You Don't Know A Thing About My Sins

There was a full moon out tonight. There were stars glittering in the sky, their very presence welcoming to anyone who noticed. The moon was so bright, so illuminating that my skin took on a pale blue glow, and I looked up at the big rock with much affection. It was so beautiful, so peaceful, so serene that I could stay in this elation forever.

Too bad that I'd be gone within a couple hours time.

I thought back to when I found out that Mikey was wearing my jeans, and how I was obsessing over the very thought that he was wearing them. They were just pants...I'm probably too calm to think otherwise now, but I guess my emotions got the best of me. Eh, doesn’t matter. He can have them. I won't have much use for them after the night's end.

I sat back onto the bed and closed my eyes, appearing to try to go to sleep. I knew that was nearly impossible to do, so I didn't even attempt to drift into a dreamful slumber. Instead I got out my iPod. I never used it while I was in here. Strange...I had all this time to think to myself, to listen to music, to read, to draw, to do many creative and wonderful things.

Instead I passed away the time by fantasizing about my kid brother.

I searched through the song index, looking for a song that would go with my mood. I saw "Cemetery Drive" come up, and I paused for a second. I knew the song all too well, so I knew why I paused. I selected it and turned up the volume as loud as it could go. The drums started up, and I smiled, loving the familiarity of the music.

Okay, I know it's music I wrote, but still...sometimes I like to admire my own creation.

The chorus came up, and it made me sadder than anything.

I miss you...I miss you so far...

I kept thinking of Mikey when those words came up. Oh, how much I missed his warm embrace, the brotherly security I got when they were wrapped around me was something I survived on. Of course, now that he's with Alicia, naturally I'll die because of the lack of embraces, which are now being reserved for her. I didn't blame her in the slightest, God no. She's an amazing girl, and she has every right to be with him. It's just, I wish there were two Mikeys, so that we could each have one. That probably would be a bad idea, though, because knowing me, I'd get jealous and want both Mikeys, and I'd end up killing myself anyways. Oh well, I guess you can't everything in life...not even two Mikeys.

The song was soon over, and I found the door making large thumping noises, which confused me. I suddenly realized that someone was pounding from the other side, and I rushed to open the door. Standing outside the door was my nurse, Janice, whom I was a little happy to see. She sighed loudly and fixed her name tag, which was crooked.

"Well, Mr. Way...I've been pounding on that door for four whole minutes. I suppose your food is freezing cold by now!" she said, sounding a little tired, but not mean. I was taken aback by what she said.

"Food?" I asked, and I ran to look at the clock in my pitch black room. It glowed a bright red as the numbers stood out in the blackness surrounding it.

6:37 PM

"Oh...I'm sorry...I was distracted." I confessed. That was the truth, after all.

"I guess it's okay, I've dealt with people who've thrown their plates at me, and they think it's funny...you're forgiven entirely." She said with a smile and a chuckle. I smiled back and saw the plastic bowl and clear plastic cover, condensation from the warm food building up, causing water droplets to appear as well as steam, and hiding the contents inside.

"So, what's for dinner anyway?" I asked, hoping it was something good. I wanted my last meal to at least be edible.

"I hope you like baked ziti..." She said, starting to wheel the cart carrying the food into my room. I smiled widely, happy that the food was pasta.

"I love it!" I exclaimed, sitting down at the small dining table in the far corner of the room. I turned on a light above me and saw the whole room light up. It looked eerie for some reason, as if the lighting was making the room seem completely different than before. I rearranged myself so that I could look out the window whilst eating, since the view was incredible. Janice opened up the bowl and laid it out for me to eat. She gave me a plastic fork and a napkin and sat down next to me.

I was puzzled by her last action. She had never stayed to watch me eat. To tell you the truth, I would've been creeped out if she had done that. Yet she wasn't looking at me, for she was looking out the window, admiring the same view I had come to love. I cleared my throat and began to eat, and within five seconds I was happy, for the food was just amazing. Maybe it was because I knew it was my last meal, and my mind convinced my taste buds to tell differently, but whatever it was, it made me happy. Janice saw my smile out of the corner of her eye and chuckled.

"I suppose that food tastes better today than other days?" she asked, seeing my contented face. I nodded quickly, which made her laugh.

Janice wasn't old, but she was definitely older than me, I think. Not too much, though...probably in her late 30's. There were small crow's feet in the corners of her eyes, which gave away her age, and her red hair was a little faded, pulled back into a tight bun. She was a delicate little thing, though. She was no taller than 5 feet, and she was thin. She had tan skin, and her eyes were a bright green, which made it almost definite that she was Irish. She planted her head onto the edge of the table, and she sighed in exhaustion.

"I swear, sometimes life is so strenuous. So cruel and unfair, but at the same time you want to keep going...not wanting it to end." She randomly said, facing the wall. This took me by surprise, and I quickly swallowed the bite of ziti that I was chewing and wiped my mouth with the napkin, and then I cleared my throat.

"Why is that?" I asked, not wanting to seem nosy. She sat up and fixed her bun a little bit, then sat back and looked out the window.

"Nah, it's nothing...don't worry about it." She quickly said, trying to avoid the situation. I sighed.

"If you didn't want to talk about it, then why bring it up in the first place?" I said, looking her in the eyes. She stared at me for a minute before biting her lips and clearing her throat.

"Well, my husband...he's dying from pancreatic cancer."

"Oh...sorry to hear that." I automatically responded. Damn, I know firsthand that you don't say that to a family member...that's the worst that you can say.

"Don't be...he's not dead yet, and there's still a chance that he could make it through alive...but..." she trailed off. I could tell what she was going to say.

"...but it's too small of a chance to have much hope?" I finished, and she nodded. She was visibly fighting back tears, and it looked like she was slowly losing that battle. She seemed to be just as depressed as I was, even though it was for a completely different, and understandable reason. "Tell me, Janice...if your husband is more likely to lose his battle with cancer, then why continue living afterwards?" I asked, seeming a little harsh, but more curious than anything. She smiled slightly at my question.

"Well...because I love him...he's the love of my life."

"…but, isn't that why you wouldn't want to live after he dies? I mean, wouldn't your life be miserable?" I asked, getting more confused with each passing second. She shook her head, still smiling.

"You don't understand, Mr. Way...my husband loves me, and not just in the wife manner, I'm talking like 'best friend' and 'companion'...he loves me too much to want me to die with him. He wants me to continue living, to live a good life and to always think of him lovingly, and not in despair...it would just upset everyone else in my family as well if I died along with him. I want to be strong, and even though it may seem impossible for me to live without him, I love him, and I want to respect his final wishes. And also because he's right, I'll always think of him being happy after he finally passes away, because he'll be going to Heaven, and he'll want me to be happy...does that make sense?" she finally finished, still looking out the window. I nodded, finally getting what she was saying.

"So, because you love him, you'll survive for him, because otherwise he'll be miserable?" I asked, getting her point.

"Exactly..."

"I see." I concluded, taking my fork and starting to eat again. She sighed and got up, smoothing out her bleach white apron. She smiled and cleared her throat, going over to the cart of now-cold food. She quickly turned back to me.

"I forgot to mention...Dr. Hitchcliff wanted a word with you...he said it was good news, but that's all he told me, and he said you should come down after dinner." she said, smiling her cheerful smile, as if the past five minutes had never happened. I was astounded by the news, and I nodded slowly, reacting to those words. She sighed once more and left the room with the cart, going to feed the rest of the hungry patients.