You Don't Know A Thing About My Sins
"Would you like to take your car out for a spin?"
After I was finished with the food, which was remarkable, I cleaned up and started my way to Denis' office. I kept thinking about what Janice had said before about her husband.
He wants me to continue living, to live a good life and to always think of him lovingly, and not in despair....it would just upset everyone else in my family as well if I died along with him.
Was this a sign of something? She couldn't possibley know about my plans for one hour's time, right? Oh well, I'll still go along with it. She had a good reason to keep living. I'm just a perverted crazy man that's a burden on society. No one would miss me here.
I was sitting in Denis' office, with him at his desk, completing a call. He finally finished and focused all his attention to me. He smiled brightly, showing his pearly whites.
"Well, Mr. Way, it seems as though you've made phenomenal progress in the past couple weeks, which has led me to make a decision that I think you'll like..." he announced, looking at me for a reaction. I gave him a look of anticipation, and he quickly picked up on it. He threw something at me, it hit my chest with a slight THUD, and the object jingled. I picked up the projectile and saw that it was a set of keys. My keys, to be exact. I gave him a look that mirrored the words that followed.
"What in the hell? Are you saying I can drive now?" I exclaimed, shocked by the realization. He nodded, but then quickly held up his left hand.
"Only to an extent….you're allowed to leave for the day, if you wish, but you must report back by 8 PM, just like your curfew now...and you can only take it out 4 days a week, but I think that those regulations are satisfactory for you...you don't seem to be the kind of man that needs his car 24/7." he said, lowering his hand and meshing it with the other, folding his hands. I couldn't believe it...I could drive now? This was something I liked, if I do say so myself.
"Yeah...Holy crap, that's just amazing. Thank you, Doctor." I chirped, looking at my keys in the palm of my hand. This was just something I was amazed at. I missed driving...not to mention that it gave me much more freedom than I previously had, which I thought was a lot to begin with. Denis smiled and chuckled at my reaction.
"Would you like to take your car out for a spin?" he said, giving me another toothy grin. I nodded my head, but then sank as I remember the curfew time he specified, and the current time.
"I can't tonight...I would have less than an hour to drive around, that's not enough time for me It's like a teaser, which I personally hate..." I mumbled, saddened by the timing of events. He sighed and continued to smile, so much that his dimples were very apparent.
"I think for tonight I'll stretch the time out till about 10 PM...since I gave you a late start...how's that?" he suggested. I jumped out of the chair and ran over to him. I picked him up from his chair and hugged him tightly, so happy that my freedom was that much closer to being fully recovered. He laughed and cleared his throat.
"Okay, okay...calm down and focus your energy on the driving. I'm sure you'll want to start soon, it's already around 7:30...go on, have fun, and be careful!" he said, pulling away from my strong grasp. I laughed and ran out of the room, running to get my jacket in my room and then closing the door soon after.
I rushed to the parking lot and searched for my car. I saw it in the far corner of the parking lot, underneath a low tree and covered in fallen leaves and twigs. I got in and used the wipers to rid of them, and I felt like a little kid on a sugar high. It was just pure joy for me, and I reveled on it. I blasted the stereo on the radio station that I had always loved. 93.3 FM...MMR...that station was just the best for rock music...especially all kinds. Once in a while they'd play our stuff, but it wasn't so much that it was overplayed. Just enough for the average listener, I always thought.
I cruised through the town, happy to feel the wind blow through my hair and the salty sea air as I approached a bridge near the beach. It was a big bridge, I'll give it that. Probably could fit hundreds of cars on it at once. I crossed it and stopped at a beach. I wasn't sure which one, but it didn't matter to me. Just to hear the seagulls cry and the waves crash was enough for me.
Despite all the good that was happening in my life right now, I knew it wouldn't last forever. That's why I was still going ahead with my suicide. I had it planned for 9:30 PM, but I wanted to take advantage of the freedom that I'd have for a while before returning. I suppose I could wait a little bit, but it was going to be hard, knowing that I could end my life pretty soon, and yet here I am at the beach, free to an extent and with my own car...my keys...my brief happiness.
It was enough to make me sick.
*****
After the beach was no longer enticing to my senses, I decided to head back. It took a while for me to drive to the beach in the first place, so I might as well not push my luck and end my friendship with Denis on a bad note. I cranked up the stereo once again, and as I approached the huge bridge once again, "Enter Sandman" by Metallica started up, and it got my attention. It had been ages since I heard this song, yet I never did fall in love with it, and it was a song that I'd listen to on occasion.
I slowed down to about 20 MPH so that I could concentrate on the song more. There were hardly any cars on the bridge, anyway, despite the fact that it was only...9:27 PM. I guess that'll wait for about a half hour or so...God, waiting this long is just torture. I mean, what if Mikey stopped by whilst I was ending my life? No doubt that would leave him scarred for sure. That's why I wanted to end it right away, and not wait a half hour or so. I screwed up again, and now I just made it harder on myself...nice going, Gerard...you're last few minutes of life are spent in self hatred. Then again, that's why I was killing myself in the first place.
The song went into the chorus, and around the end, a certain phrase, even though it didn't seem to fit in with anything I was dealing with, it made sense to me somehow.
Take my hand...we're off to Never Never Land...
It struck me as a sign...a sign that the end was closer than I thought...I have no clue how that triggered that specific thought, but then again, my mind works in mysterious ways. The power solo started, and it made the sign even more obvious. I knew now what I had to do...to avoid any chance of Mikey finding me in the act of self destruction...to avoid the horror on his face as I slip into oblivion...to finally leave solitary and peacefully...well, not peacefully, but at least I'd be alone. As the solo ended, the familiar chant I remembered in the song started up.
Now I lay me down to sleep...
I pray the Lord my soul to keep...
And If I die before I wake...
My decision couldn't be reversed now, for I was already headed right for what I wanted. I didn't wait for the last line to start before I rushed into my end. I gripped the steering wheel and saw a break in the bridge's walls. I could tell it was too weak to hold back a car, so I went at full speed, charging at it with no looking back. The wall got closer, and it seemed that it got brighter as my headlights got denser.
I closed my eyes and screamed at the top of my lungs, and just as soon as I did, I felt the front of the car ram into the bridge. I could feel the bumper fly off the car's front and onto the road, and I knew my assumption of the wall's break was correct when I didn't feel the car slow down significantly. I felt the front of the car dip down low, and the rest of the car soon followed, with me in it. Finally the last word of the chant played, and it seemed perfect for the situation now. It was only a matter of time before those words would actually be asked in my mind.
I pray the Lord my soul to take...
It was pitch black now, and the only thing I could see was the lights from the radio dashboard's front. It was glowing a bright green, and as the car sped to the watery depths, I only saw it appropriate that I see no light as I reached my death. I turned off the radio, and the green light dimmed away to nothing, and I could only see black. The wind was powerful as the car sped faster and faster to the water.
As I waited for the water to arrive, since it was a huge drop, I kept thinking of Mikey, and him being happy with Alicia. Then Elle's face flashed in front of his, and then meshed, as if I was saying goodbye to both of them. It wasn't fair to her that I was leaving this way. She might think that she was the cause, but that would be wrong. It was me, and I was doing a public service by leaving this planet. It was only right...it was only fair.
My thoughts were interrupted when a huge impact swept through the car. I felt water enter from the windows, which I had forgotten to close beforehand. Oh well, it'll be quicker that way. The water was already to my knees, and I felt the suction from the submerging vehicle pull me out of the car, through the window, and pull me down along with the car itself. I was completely submerged, and the water was chilly. I didn't struggle, and I didn't hold my breath. I just thought of Mikey, of Elle, and of the others. The guys went through so much shit for me...now they had to suffer a loss. Well, it might be a gain, if you look at it a certain way.
Oh God, I don't think they'll be able to handle the funeral...let alone the wake...poor Frankie...he had trouble dealing with my grandmother's wake. I hope the others will help him through that...I can only hope that they'll have it a closed casket. I should've requested that, but then I would've been held in contempt for even considering suicide. Oh well, I'll hope for the best. My lungs were starting to beg for air. I figured it was time to let my body succumb to its watery grave. I inhaled deeply, and I felt myself gagging, my body refusing the water I had just drawn in.
My throat immediately closed up, a reflex I couldn't stop, and it stopped the water from entering the lungs, but it made my lungs hurt even more, aching from the harsh water penetrating my fragile lung tissue. After a bit, I felt my head starting to burn, and I knew it was because of the lack of oxygen to the brain. I felt my eyes starting to droop, and I thought I felt something on my arm, but my limbs were practically numb now, so that probably didn't mean a thing. My eyes finally closed shut, and I felt my throat give way to let in more water. I let my body go limp, and my last thought was of Mikey's face, smiling...it faded away, along with my faint existence.
Goodbye, Mikey, I love you.
...I was aware of nothing more.
He wants me to continue living, to live a good life and to always think of him lovingly, and not in despair....it would just upset everyone else in my family as well if I died along with him.
Was this a sign of something? She couldn't possibley know about my plans for one hour's time, right? Oh well, I'll still go along with it. She had a good reason to keep living. I'm just a perverted crazy man that's a burden on society. No one would miss me here.
I was sitting in Denis' office, with him at his desk, completing a call. He finally finished and focused all his attention to me. He smiled brightly, showing his pearly whites.
"Well, Mr. Way, it seems as though you've made phenomenal progress in the past couple weeks, which has led me to make a decision that I think you'll like..." he announced, looking at me for a reaction. I gave him a look of anticipation, and he quickly picked up on it. He threw something at me, it hit my chest with a slight THUD, and the object jingled. I picked up the projectile and saw that it was a set of keys. My keys, to be exact. I gave him a look that mirrored the words that followed.
"What in the hell? Are you saying I can drive now?" I exclaimed, shocked by the realization. He nodded, but then quickly held up his left hand.
"Only to an extent….you're allowed to leave for the day, if you wish, but you must report back by 8 PM, just like your curfew now...and you can only take it out 4 days a week, but I think that those regulations are satisfactory for you...you don't seem to be the kind of man that needs his car 24/7." he said, lowering his hand and meshing it with the other, folding his hands. I couldn't believe it...I could drive now? This was something I liked, if I do say so myself.
"Yeah...Holy crap, that's just amazing. Thank you, Doctor." I chirped, looking at my keys in the palm of my hand. This was just something I was amazed at. I missed driving...not to mention that it gave me much more freedom than I previously had, which I thought was a lot to begin with. Denis smiled and chuckled at my reaction.
"Would you like to take your car out for a spin?" he said, giving me another toothy grin. I nodded my head, but then sank as I remember the curfew time he specified, and the current time.
"I can't tonight...I would have less than an hour to drive around, that's not enough time for me It's like a teaser, which I personally hate..." I mumbled, saddened by the timing of events. He sighed and continued to smile, so much that his dimples were very apparent.
"I think for tonight I'll stretch the time out till about 10 PM...since I gave you a late start...how's that?" he suggested. I jumped out of the chair and ran over to him. I picked him up from his chair and hugged him tightly, so happy that my freedom was that much closer to being fully recovered. He laughed and cleared his throat.
"Okay, okay...calm down and focus your energy on the driving. I'm sure you'll want to start soon, it's already around 7:30...go on, have fun, and be careful!" he said, pulling away from my strong grasp. I laughed and ran out of the room, running to get my jacket in my room and then closing the door soon after.
I rushed to the parking lot and searched for my car. I saw it in the far corner of the parking lot, underneath a low tree and covered in fallen leaves and twigs. I got in and used the wipers to rid of them, and I felt like a little kid on a sugar high. It was just pure joy for me, and I reveled on it. I blasted the stereo on the radio station that I had always loved. 93.3 FM...MMR...that station was just the best for rock music...especially all kinds. Once in a while they'd play our stuff, but it wasn't so much that it was overplayed. Just enough for the average listener, I always thought.
I cruised through the town, happy to feel the wind blow through my hair and the salty sea air as I approached a bridge near the beach. It was a big bridge, I'll give it that. Probably could fit hundreds of cars on it at once. I crossed it and stopped at a beach. I wasn't sure which one, but it didn't matter to me. Just to hear the seagulls cry and the waves crash was enough for me.
Despite all the good that was happening in my life right now, I knew it wouldn't last forever. That's why I was still going ahead with my suicide. I had it planned for 9:30 PM, but I wanted to take advantage of the freedom that I'd have for a while before returning. I suppose I could wait a little bit, but it was going to be hard, knowing that I could end my life pretty soon, and yet here I am at the beach, free to an extent and with my own car...my keys...my brief happiness.
It was enough to make me sick.
*****
After the beach was no longer enticing to my senses, I decided to head back. It took a while for me to drive to the beach in the first place, so I might as well not push my luck and end my friendship with Denis on a bad note. I cranked up the stereo once again, and as I approached the huge bridge once again, "Enter Sandman" by Metallica started up, and it got my attention. It had been ages since I heard this song, yet I never did fall in love with it, and it was a song that I'd listen to on occasion.
I slowed down to about 20 MPH so that I could concentrate on the song more. There were hardly any cars on the bridge, anyway, despite the fact that it was only...9:27 PM. I guess that'll wait for about a half hour or so...God, waiting this long is just torture. I mean, what if Mikey stopped by whilst I was ending my life? No doubt that would leave him scarred for sure. That's why I wanted to end it right away, and not wait a half hour or so. I screwed up again, and now I just made it harder on myself...nice going, Gerard...you're last few minutes of life are spent in self hatred. Then again, that's why I was killing myself in the first place.
The song went into the chorus, and around the end, a certain phrase, even though it didn't seem to fit in with anything I was dealing with, it made sense to me somehow.
Take my hand...we're off to Never Never Land...
It struck me as a sign...a sign that the end was closer than I thought...I have no clue how that triggered that specific thought, but then again, my mind works in mysterious ways. The power solo started, and it made the sign even more obvious. I knew now what I had to do...to avoid any chance of Mikey finding me in the act of self destruction...to avoid the horror on his face as I slip into oblivion...to finally leave solitary and peacefully...well, not peacefully, but at least I'd be alone. As the solo ended, the familiar chant I remembered in the song started up.
Now I lay me down to sleep...
I pray the Lord my soul to keep...
And If I die before I wake...
My decision couldn't be reversed now, for I was already headed right for what I wanted. I didn't wait for the last line to start before I rushed into my end. I gripped the steering wheel and saw a break in the bridge's walls. I could tell it was too weak to hold back a car, so I went at full speed, charging at it with no looking back. The wall got closer, and it seemed that it got brighter as my headlights got denser.
I closed my eyes and screamed at the top of my lungs, and just as soon as I did, I felt the front of the car ram into the bridge. I could feel the bumper fly off the car's front and onto the road, and I knew my assumption of the wall's break was correct when I didn't feel the car slow down significantly. I felt the front of the car dip down low, and the rest of the car soon followed, with me in it. Finally the last word of the chant played, and it seemed perfect for the situation now. It was only a matter of time before those words would actually be asked in my mind.
I pray the Lord my soul to take...
It was pitch black now, and the only thing I could see was the lights from the radio dashboard's front. It was glowing a bright green, and as the car sped to the watery depths, I only saw it appropriate that I see no light as I reached my death. I turned off the radio, and the green light dimmed away to nothing, and I could only see black. The wind was powerful as the car sped faster and faster to the water.
As I waited for the water to arrive, since it was a huge drop, I kept thinking of Mikey, and him being happy with Alicia. Then Elle's face flashed in front of his, and then meshed, as if I was saying goodbye to both of them. It wasn't fair to her that I was leaving this way. She might think that she was the cause, but that would be wrong. It was me, and I was doing a public service by leaving this planet. It was only right...it was only fair.
My thoughts were interrupted when a huge impact swept through the car. I felt water enter from the windows, which I had forgotten to close beforehand. Oh well, it'll be quicker that way. The water was already to my knees, and I felt the suction from the submerging vehicle pull me out of the car, through the window, and pull me down along with the car itself. I was completely submerged, and the water was chilly. I didn't struggle, and I didn't hold my breath. I just thought of Mikey, of Elle, and of the others. The guys went through so much shit for me...now they had to suffer a loss. Well, it might be a gain, if you look at it a certain way.
Oh God, I don't think they'll be able to handle the funeral...let alone the wake...poor Frankie...he had trouble dealing with my grandmother's wake. I hope the others will help him through that...I can only hope that they'll have it a closed casket. I should've requested that, but then I would've been held in contempt for even considering suicide. Oh well, I'll hope for the best. My lungs were starting to beg for air. I figured it was time to let my body succumb to its watery grave. I inhaled deeply, and I felt myself gagging, my body refusing the water I had just drawn in.
My throat immediately closed up, a reflex I couldn't stop, and it stopped the water from entering the lungs, but it made my lungs hurt even more, aching from the harsh water penetrating my fragile lung tissue. After a bit, I felt my head starting to burn, and I knew it was because of the lack of oxygen to the brain. I felt my eyes starting to droop, and I thought I felt something on my arm, but my limbs were practically numb now, so that probably didn't mean a thing. My eyes finally closed shut, and I felt my throat give way to let in more water. I let my body go limp, and my last thought was of Mikey's face, smiling...it faded away, along with my faint existence.
Goodbye, Mikey, I love you.
...I was aware of nothing more.
♠ ♠ ♠
GASP! Comment/Subscribe :)