You Don't Know A Thing About My Sins

-Mikey'sPOV-

We headed back home after having our pizza. The guys headed into the lounge but I headed towards Gerard's room. After listening to what Ray had said about him acting strange around me, it just made me more eager to find out what was wrong with him, and if Gerard wasn't going to tell me I really needed to try and find out myself. I figured his room would be the first place to start searching for anything.

I slowly opened the door holding my breath as I expected Gerard to be laid there on his bed and suddenly shout at me for not knocking before I went inside. Obviously, no one was there so I stepped in and closed the door behind me. I walked over to his desk and looked at the pictures that he'd started to draw, they were amazing. He was really quite the artist.

I opened the draws in his desk, looking for anything that might tell me something.

As I opened the last draw on the desk that he never really used to use, I noticed that there was a tatty book inside. I picked it up and looked at it. It was black and worn away at the edges. I opened it up and read the first page.

'Inside the mind of Gerard Way'

That made me laugh, it's as if it was a documentary or something. But then again my theory would be pretty close to what it actually was.

His journal.

Well, you couldn't really call it a journal. As I flicked through the pages I noticed that they just had random drawings on them or bits of lyrics that Gerard had thought up. It was more like a doodle book than anything else. I sat on his bed and looked through the pages one by one, reading and looking at the drawings that covered them.

'If this love can never happen, then what's the point in living.'

'Our lives are filled with blackness and death.'

'Give me a reason to put down this gun, give me a reason not to die for this forbidden love.'

Okay, I was worried now. All these random lyrics seemed to hint at one thing.

Love and suicide.

"Mikey!?! Where are you!?" I heard Frank's voice shout from one of the rooms.

I quickly hid the journal away under one of the pillows on Gerard's bed as the bedroom door burst open.

"There you are! You okay?" Frank exclaimed as he came closer and sat down on the bed next to me.

"Yeah, I'm okay...I just wanted...some time alone..." I muttered.

"Oh, sorry...it's just we were wondering if you wanted to go see a movie or something...but it's okay if you don't wanna..." Frank told me as he stood up.

"No, it's okay...I'll come..." I replied with a smile.

He smiled back, one of those smiles he does where he shows all his teeth. His famous toothy grin. He put his arm around me and gave me a little hug as I walked with him into the lounge. I wanted to take my mind off of Gerard for a little while and try to stop worrying, but the last thing I read in his journal wouldn't stop spinning round in my head.

'If I ever tell him, it'll be the end of me....I couldn't face the humiliation...'

I have to go and see him again later.

I just wanted to try and stop thinking about it for at least the duration of the movie, but I knew for a fact that it would be impossible to do so. I pulled Frank off to the side as we were leaving. He sighed and bit his lip at my concerned expression.

"You wanna see him, don't you?" he said, more so a statement rather than a question.

I just nodded and he hugged me quickly before leaving with the others. He threw a set of keys at me, and luckily I caught them before they fell to the ground.

"Take the car...."

"What about you guys?"

"We'll walk...it's only like 10 minutes down the road...let's hope you settle this shit out with him...we miss the Way duo..." he said sadly before closing the door. I sat there, looking at the keys, and thinking on the last thing that Frank had said.

*****

-Gerard'sPOV-

I was sat in my room once again trying hard not to think about anything...and judging by the way this situation was turning out, not thinking about anything was a pretty hard thing to do. I turned my head towards the door when I heard the handle turn.

It was Mikey.

"Hey Gee." he muttered as he walked over to me and pulled out a chair infront of where I was sat. He looked pretty happy, he was smiling anyway. But I knew my brother better than anyone else in the world. That wasn't a real smile. He put it on for my sakes, I could tell he was hurting inside and it was pretty much all because of me. I sighed and smiled back, trying not to let him catch on that I could pretty much read him like an open book.

"Hi Mikey."

"The guys have gone to see a movie and I thought I'd just come and see you for a bit...how've you been?" he asked me, tilting his head to the side a little.

So instead of going to see a movie, he came to visit me? Well if he doesn't love me back in the same way as Iove him, at least I know he cares for me just as much.

"Okay...I've been a bit bored actually, I miss you...all." I told him.

"I miss you too, Gerard..."

I looked up at him and smiled again.

My sweet, beautiful baby brother Mikey.

"It's been really weird without you. It's like...just not the same...it's like a big part of us all is missing."

There was a bit of an awkward silence after that. We both sat there staring at various parts of the room, not sure what to say to eachother. I hated it. This never used to happen, this should never have happened. I looked up at Mikey. I could tell he was tense from the way he was sitting, his back was straight and his hands were clutching the chair as if he had to hold on for dear life. Whereas I was slouching forward, my arms rested on my legs and I was propping my head up with my hands. I knew Mikey wanted to ask me something, his face had 'worry' written all over it.

"What?" I muttered, breaking the silence.

"Huh?" Mikey grunted.

"You wanna ask me something, I can tell...what is it?" I told him, sitting up slightly and regaining my posture.

Mikey sighed, "Are...are you ready to tell me what's wrong with you yet?" he finally asked.

I knew it.

No I am not ready to tell you, that is unless you're ready to have your brother confess that he loves you in ways he shouldn't.

"Mikey...I've already told y-"

"I found your journal," Mikey interupted.

Oh fuck.

"Wh-what journal?" I stuttered.

"The journal that was in your drawer...I know I shouldn't be looking through your stuff but I really want to know what's happened to you...and I found it...and read it..." he told me.

You did what!

"Mikey -"

"The lyrics you wrote down in there...I had to think about them for a while before realising the meaning behind them..." he paused, my breath caught in my throat, "you love someone don't you...and they don't love you back...so you were thinking about -"

"Don't..."

"...killing youself."

"No Mikey...no..." I muttered, standing up and walking towards him.

"You can't Gerard...please, just tell me before you do something really stupid to yourself!" he exclaimed, standing up aswell.

Okay, maybe I was contemplating it...but I wasn't actually planning on doing it.

"I'm not going to do anything stupid!" I told him as I wrapped my arms around him. He placed his head in the crook of my neck and I felt tears land on my bare skin.

"Please Gerard...just tell me!" he exclaimed again, wiping the tears from his eyes and looking up at me.

Our faces we less that an inch apart. Oh Mikey, you can't do this to me. I looked down at his lips and started leaning forwards.

No. Stop.

I stopped myself just before our lips were about touching and pulled away from his embrace.

"I...I can't Mikey...j-just please...leave..." I stuttered, tears now pouring from my eyes.

"No Gerard! You need to tell me!" he repeated, stepping forwards and reaching out to hug me again.

I pulled away.

"I said no!/i] Just leave!" I shouted, pointing towards the door.

He sniffed and drew his breath sharply as he made his way to the door, opened it and walked out, pulling the door with him so that it slammed hard against the frame. I fell to the floor and broke out into more tears.

I need to tell him.

I've got to tell him soon.

Before it kills me.