Will You Catch Me If I Fall?

I opened my eyes, feeling a soft ground beneath me. I couldn’t remember falling down. In fact, I couldn’t remember anything. I blinked, a white haze in front of my eyes, I couldn’t see clearly. I wasn’t uncomfortable lying here, but nor was I comfortable. It seemed I had been catapulted into a world of unanswered questions-where was I? How did I get here? Why can’t I remember?

My name is Addison Grey. I’m 15 years old. I live with my parents and my older sister Stephanie.

No, something didn’t seem right.

I blinked again, finally the strange haze in front of my eyes clearing away. But again all I met was white, I sat up, a strange grey robe covered my body and it almost felt like I was wearing nothing, the fabric was so light. I bunched part of it in my hand, allowing the clothing to run through it. It almost felt like water running over my palm.

The red of my hair seemed strange in this place filled with neutral, calming white. It appeared as if I were more alive than the place allowed. I sat there, in my strange state, just considering, racking my memory...trying to clear the strange confusion until a cough and a familiar laugh made me turn around.

The blonde haired girl seemed distant in my memory, and she almost wavered as if she were made from memories and air itself. She was smiling at me, and an unreadable emotion was clouding her bright blue eyes, grief it seemed, and love all mixed in one. Yearning as well.

I recognised her, and i felt something pull at my chest so strongly it was painful and I staggered towards her. Towards my sister. I needed to hold her, to touch her. I needed her to hug me the way she used to when I was a little girl, to wipe the tears away. I always wanted to be like Steph. Strong and beautiful. She had always been my heroine.

My sister caught me and held me tight to her chest. She shushed me as I cried but no tears fell from my eyes. Tears didn’t exist here, wherever here was. Her fingers ran through my hair, and I closed my eyes against the feel of it. My sister, my sister...where had she been? Why did I feel like this?

And when she pushed me away from her, and made me look straight into her eyes; her black pupils sparkled with something that wasn’t quite real. As if there was some higher ethereal power inside of her that was shining out. I began to recall a terrible memory of pain and loss. The day my sister died, the way my mother had wailed in grief. The sight of my father’s face becoming as grey as ash.

I looked around, at the white surrounding and looked back at Steph.

“I’m dead, amnt’ I?”

She just stared at me, and in my mind’s eye I could feel and hear it, the rushing noise of a engine, my own scream, the yell of a man, the feeling of the air rushing past me, and then the hard smack as I had hit the road.

I flinched, feeling the pain and I raised my hand to my head, expecting to feel a bump or a raised welt but I felt only smooth skin. I looked at my arms, that I now remembered had been crisscrossed in scars I had inflicted upon myself. They were smooth, as if no harm had ever been done to my body. I was in a brand new shell, a new cocoon to shelter me from the cruel world I was no longer a part of.

“You can’t have expected to be so reckless and not have an accident Addison,” Stephanie’s voice jolted me from my thoughts. It was as unnatural as the light inside her eyes, it seemed to echo and contained more wisdom than I knew Stephanie had possessed when Death had claimed her.

I only nodded, grief filling my stomach and heart.

Stephanie still stared at me. “Why are you sad? Why are you grieving your life Addison? It wasn’t stolen from you. You came looking for Death to take you. Your life wasn’t stolen. You willingly gave it as I did not.”

There was a hint of anger in my sister’s tone and then shame crept in. I realised how much I had chosen to give up, how much I had left behind. I thought of those I was leaving behind as my memories resurfaced- my new friends, Mason and Simara, Ant, Frank-E and Trace...my dearest, my love...my Trace.

I didn’t feel angry towards him as I realised I had overreacted at him. He had sat there as a girl had sprung herself upon him, and I had walked in just before he pushed her away. I knew here, in this place where there were no lies that Trace had not meant to hurt me. He loved me. He wanted me. And right now he was grieving over my dead body. And he would blame himself.

I knew Stephanie could read my mind, my emotions. She was surveying me with those eyes.

“I wish I could have one last chance, one more time to make things right. With him, with...with mam and dad,” I whispered to myself.

Stephanie smiled, and then I noticed something else out of the corner of my eye. A dark shape walking away into the distance. I recognised him immediately. My Frank-E. He was walking straight and proud but away from me. I frowned, calling out him, telling him I was here, to come back but Stephanie shook her head,

“Calling him will do no good. He’s gone already. He’s sees no-one but her.”

I was about to ask ‘who?’ when I saw her. A tiny little thing, dressed in a white angel costumes, wings and all. She smiled up to him, and placed a tiny hand in his. His daughter. She led him away and in a single moment, Frank-E was gone. I’d never see him again.

“Then how come I can see him?” I asked. “I’m dead, I’m not returning...am I?”

Stephanie only smiled and then the white all faded and we were standing on the edge of a road, shadowed by trees. I heard the noise of a rapidly approaching engine, and I could even tell it was going fast, much too fast for this sharp corner. I looked at Stephanie and she kissed my brow.

“I will always be with you Addison. My sister. In here,” she pointed to my head, “And in here,” rested her palm over my heart. “Live your life the way I wasn’t able to. Love him, love our parents. Love yourself.”

With that she was gone, and I watched and waited.

~
I watched in some strange state, an outer body experience when the bike came around the corner. I looked tiny behind Frank-E, I was pressed into his leather clad back, protected from the elements but not the road. I watched as the bike began to tip and slide and with the sudden movement, we both were thrown into the air. Frank-E came down first, his head smacking into the pavement in a way I knew killed him instantly. He lay motionless on the road, as I landed a few metres away from him, my arm snapping, my legs becoming a bloodied mess. I lay still.

A car approaching the other way slowed and stopped as it noticed the bodies on the roads. My heart went out to the people witnessing the terrible scene. Two people, seemingly dead. Blood and glass scattered over the road.

I was beginning to fade, as I was swept back into the life that was still breathing in my broken body by the roadside. I looked at myself one last time, and closed my eyes. And then I felt the pain.

I opened my eyes, unable to move, this time feeling shards of glass sticking into my body, my legs gashed open, my face wet with my own blood. I forgot everything that had happened; I only knew I wanted Trace. I wanted Frank-E but most of all I wanted my mother.
I looked to my right, hardly able to move my head, and I screamed aloud, long and high at Frank-E’s open, staring eyes looking right at me. I knew he was dead. He was gone. He had left me behind when we had promised we would be together in death. The sight of the blood dripping from his mouth, his nose, and his ears was awful. I continued to scream, until it faded into moans. I lost my energy, I wanted to die.

And then I remembered Stephanie, seeing Frank-E enter another world. My promise to myself. But I was fading, I could feel it. Someone was moving me, someone was shouting, “we’re losing her.”

I didn’t feel or hear anything, and then there was a jolt and I opened my eyes as my heart came back to life. “She’s back,” the paramedic shouted and the young woman looked at me, and held my hand. “You’re going to be okay sweetheart, what’s your name, keep talking to me, there’s a good girl.”

I stared at her, seeing the face of Stephanie behind the woman’s shoulder and then she smiled one last time and was gone for good. I looked back at the paramedic and began to talk weakly, fighting to stay alive.