Lasting Dreams.
prologue
There are days that I swear I made the wrong decision. There are days that I think I shouldn’t have let her get away, that I should have just kept her when I had her and never let go. She was my everything once. She was my all, and I gave her everything that I could. I gave her everything I had in me and, when I was young, I think that I really loved her.
Sometimes I still think that I do.
I still think that I need her here with me, that I need to have her by my side in everything I do. I wonder if she ever thinks of me the same way I do, the same way I always used to. And I swear that sometimes I dream her face at night. I dream about how she would stare at the sky in the darkness, and I’d turn and look at her to find her eyes brighter than stars, staring right through me. I wonder if they still shine that way. That’s how I’ll always remember the way she looked at me. That’s how I dream her face.
There’s something in me that knows she’s still beautiful. There’s part of me that knows she’s still out there, looking the same way she did when I used to know her when we were still so naïve. It doesn’t help it when I’m home all by myself, doing nothing in particular, and I see something that reminds me of her. And I’ll just stop and think about how much I let myself go since then.
But as soon as I start feeling that panic in my gut, that feeling that I know I don’t need to be feeling where I’m at in life, I remind myself that I had to either choose her or the career. I had to choose between my two loves, two things that I didn’t think I could choose between but had to anyway because somebody out there decided to play God without realizing how severe things would become.
In the end, I chose my job. I remind myself that time and time again, and after a while I start to feel good about myself. It usually doesn’t take long, just a few minutes or so.
Even so, for those few moments I remember how good I had it, I feel like a big jerk. I feel like I had ruined everything beautiful and pure; I didn’t realize that I could do so much damage by making a decision on my own. And for the time I spent trying to convince myself that I was only being rational, I know that I really messed everything up and I wouldn’t be able to fix it.
That is, until the crash.
All I could do was watch as everything fell apart.
Sometimes I still think that I do.
I still think that I need her here with me, that I need to have her by my side in everything I do. I wonder if she ever thinks of me the same way I do, the same way I always used to. And I swear that sometimes I dream her face at night. I dream about how she would stare at the sky in the darkness, and I’d turn and look at her to find her eyes brighter than stars, staring right through me. I wonder if they still shine that way. That’s how I’ll always remember the way she looked at me. That’s how I dream her face.
There’s something in me that knows she’s still beautiful. There’s part of me that knows she’s still out there, looking the same way she did when I used to know her when we were still so naïve. It doesn’t help it when I’m home all by myself, doing nothing in particular, and I see something that reminds me of her. And I’ll just stop and think about how much I let myself go since then.
But as soon as I start feeling that panic in my gut, that feeling that I know I don’t need to be feeling where I’m at in life, I remind myself that I had to either choose her or the career. I had to choose between my two loves, two things that I didn’t think I could choose between but had to anyway because somebody out there decided to play God without realizing how severe things would become.
In the end, I chose my job. I remind myself that time and time again, and after a while I start to feel good about myself. It usually doesn’t take long, just a few minutes or so.
Even so, for those few moments I remember how good I had it, I feel like a big jerk. I feel like I had ruined everything beautiful and pure; I didn’t realize that I could do so much damage by making a decision on my own. And for the time I spent trying to convince myself that I was only being rational, I know that I really messed everything up and I wouldn’t be able to fix it.
That is, until the crash.
All I could do was watch as everything fell apart.
♠ ♠ ♠
so far, i haven't seen one dallas green story....tah-dah?
wonder if anyone will even read this.
hmm.
surprise me.