It's Sorrow That Feed Your Lies
One
I hated long road trips. It was the one thing I absolutely could not stand doing for many reasons I’d rather keep to myself right now. Glancing at the radio’s digital clock, I took notice that it was almost nine in the morning. It struck me that we had now been on the road for nine straight hours already. That was much too long. I did everything I could to get my dad to change his mind but no matter how hard I tried…it just didn’t work.
I had to give my final goodbyes to my friends yesterday which, of course, brought many tears. They were now hundreds of miles away, already becoming forgotten memories embedded into the past. I took a quick look at my father who was busy rocking out to Avenged Sevenfold’s song, Unholy Confessions and off in his own little world. Huh. Dad, I thought as I shook my head. It was pretty cool that my dad listened to the same shit I did and it made things….easier I guess you could say.
Yea, my dad seemed pretty cool to most people who met him but I hated how he never listened to me. He never has. Well…not since my mom died. He got me upset quite often because of all the careless shit he tended to do sometimes and in the end it always seems to be my fault. I had to say that my dad really did have some anger issues... but he tries not to let that side show. And when it shows, oh boy you’d better look out. No, he’s never laid a hand on me but his words hurt just as equally painful if not worse. He’s partly the reason why I do half the shit I do. Things could get pretty intense.
Reaching into the glove compartment of my dad’s new pickup truck, I grabbed my fluffy green diary along with the fluffy green pen my mother had given me years before the accident. Wasting no time, I began to scribble words on the blank page filled with my mother’s scent.
Dear mom,
We’re moving…AGAIN. This really is tiring me. Dad keeps telling me that the next move is the last move but do you know how many times he’s told me that? Too many times. Yes, I just turned 18 but it's hard being on your own when you're so young. You would know. Am I excited that we get to be around some super attractive rockstars? I'd be crazy to say no. But who knows how that's going to go....
I’m just tired of not being able to keep the friends I make every time we’re in a new city. I’m tired of starting over every time dad feels an urge to move. I want to actually be able to go to get comfortable and make new friends. I get so lonely with all the moving we’re doing. If you were here I know it would all be different but….you’re not here.
I miss you so much, mom. You have no idea. Talking to you through this diary doesn’t quite make me feel any better. I know you don’t want me to cry but it’s so hard not to. Dad just completely loses it every time you pop into a conversation and his drinking hasn’t gotten any better. If anything it’s gotten worse. He drinks until he passes out and all this drinking is going to end up leaving me not only motherless…but fatherless too. I don’t know what to do to help him or stop him. He's just not able to handle this in the right way and neither can I. I drink too.
Yes, I know it’s horrible. I drink. I cut. I smoke. I cry myself to sleep. Everything you’ve never wanted me to do. I’m sure you’ve seen what I’ve done and I’m sure that you’re upset about it too but it’s the only way I feel better…. I don’t drink like dad does though. Well…sometimes when I get real upset I do but I do my best not to. I’m trying so hard to stop but…mom I need your help. *sigh* well we’ve been driving for nine hours straight now and I’d better get some sleep. I’ll write back later.
Love,
Jen
Sighing softly, I placed the diary back into its usual resting spot in the glove compartment and leaned back into the cushiony leather seat. Gazing out the cold window, I stared aimlessly at the moving bodies that seemed to be moving rather slow with no motivation at all. The glass my hand had been pressed against tightly for so long seemed to separate me from the real world…from reality…away from life itself.
Closing my eyes slowly, I tried clearing out the thoughts lingering in my mind…somehow managing to fall into a peaceful sleep….sleep my body had been craving for hours.
*****
I awoke to the gentle shaking of a very familiar hand, bringing me back to my alert mode. I guess it was obvious that I was startled and I heard a little chuckle to the right of me. Looking over in that direction I found myself gazing into the face of Avenged Sevenfold's stunning lead singer.
“Hey kiddo..sorry to startle you. I was told to come wake you up. It was kinda cute I must say,” he admitted looking quite amused and I instantly felt my cheeks burning red. I tried to think of Matt as a big brother figure so that I could keep my hormones at bay. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.
“Yeah I bet it was. Hi to you too,” I said sarcastically as I climbed out of the truck and stretched sleepily.
He closed the door behind me and said, “Long time no see, eh?”
“Yea I know,” I replied while embracing him in a warm hug. Feeling his muscular arms around me always made my stomach fill with butterflies. But I've gotten used to it.
“How are you?” he asked me as he took a step back as he glanced over me a few times.
“Alright. Just….tired,” I said honestly to him.
“Yea I’m sure you are. Are you excited your dad is going to be working with us now?” he asked me curiously.
“Yea of course but…..” I really didn’t want to tell him what was on my mind so I cut myself off.
“But what?”
“Nah, nothing,” I said, shrugging.
“You sure?” He seemed a bit worried.
“Yeah, it’s cool,” I replied, although I could tell that he wasn’t convinced at all. I wasn’t going to waste my time trying to explain to him my life story because for all I knew, he might go and tell my dad who’d then lecture me for hours. That’s the last thing I needed. It’s just best that I keep my problems and thoughts to myself right now and assure everyone that there’s nothing wrong and that I’m happy to be here. Then we’d all be happy right?
Maybe I will like it here in California better than Florida. I guess I just had to find out. I knew the guys pretty well and we kept in touch regularly prior to us moving here with them. So I was hoping this transition wouldn't be as rough as the rest. I’ve spent quite some time with them on the road and at concerts and I have even gone on a couple of tours with them. It’s a pretty incredible experience.
"Jen?” his voice startled me again. I found myself once again gazing into Matt’s eyes that were unsurprisingly filled with concern.
“Sorry,” I said apologetically, scowling myself silently.
“Don’t apologize. Something just…isn’t right. I can see it in your eyes,” he pointed out. Shit. I knew he was going to say that….but I didn’t know what to tell him. I had to make something up…but nothing came to mind.
“You're over analyzing me again. I hate being stuck in a damn car for so long. Give me a little time to warm up and you won't be thinking that anymore," I laughed, instantly changing the look on his face to display amusement.
"Whatever you say pumpkin," he teased, causing me to slap him in the arm. I hated when he called me that and he knew it.
I followed him into the large house through the garage door, and into what appeared to be a living room filled with all sorts of eccentric furniture. And there was my dad of course, chugging down his first bottle of Heinekin.
“Look who’s back!” Zacky cried as he ran over and hugged me, practically tackling me to the ground. His touch instantly caused my stomach to churn from all the nerves he gave me. I have always had a little girl crush on him since before I met them two years ago.
“Jesus! Dramatic much?” I laughed, trying my best to hide my nervousness from him.
“Do you expect anything less from me?” He questioned after finally letting go of me.
“No, I suppose not,” I replied as I shook my head.
“C’mon, girl. You’re room’s over this way. Don’t mind those douche bags. Oh and you guys need to go help Jack unload everything because he’s the one doing us a favor!” Matt ordered and the guys all groaned. One by one they hesitantly picked themselves up and piled outside where our truck was parked. Matt proceeded in taking me to my room.
Following him up the long set of stairs, I was introduced to my new room. To my surprise, it wasn’t that bad at all. Quite large actually….and designed in favor of my taste.
“You like it?” he asked me, smiling.
“Yea! It’s kick ass!!! The decorations…the color of the walls…the posters….the way it’s all set up. And I get my own bathroom in here?? It’s every girl's dream!” I exclaimed excitedly.
“I did my best and had a little help from your dad. I’m glad you like it,” he said proudly.
“YOU DID THIS!!?” I was shocked.
“Yes ma’am”
“Wow. Thank you so much Matt!!! You did an awesome job. You’re most definitely the best!” I cried, hugging him tightly for a second and he laughed.
“You’re welcome Jen. I wanted you to be happy here and I know you’re going through a lot right now…. But I need you to know that I am here and if you need me don’t be afraid of me. I won’t go running to your dad if you tell me something you don’t want him to know. You can tell me anything Jen, I promise. I’m always willing to listen. And if you need a shoulder to cry on, that’s what this big boy is here for,” he said, patting his large, muscular shoulder that was covered in beautiful tattoos, which made me giggle.
“Thanks again, Matt for everything.” I said, a bit unsure as to why he’d said all those things. I mean, I've told him some things that I've gone through but never anything super in depth. They all knew about what happened to my mom so I assume that's what he's referring to. I found that…rather sweet because no one’s ever done that for me and so maybe being here would do me some good. Who knows?
“Well I’d better get back downstairs and help your dad finish the unloading. I think we were planning on going out to dinner when we’re done. I’ll let you know in a little bit okay?”
“Sounds good to me.” I stood there until he disappeared into the hall and I crashed onto my bed. I was so tired and dazed by the emotions Matt had provoked out of me. I felt tears begin to leak out of my weary eyes as they took its usual course down my cheeks.
No Jen. Stop being a little bitch.
I knew I needed sleep terribly. So that’s what I did. I cried myself to sleep.
I had to give my final goodbyes to my friends yesterday which, of course, brought many tears. They were now hundreds of miles away, already becoming forgotten memories embedded into the past. I took a quick look at my father who was busy rocking out to Avenged Sevenfold’s song, Unholy Confessions and off in his own little world. Huh. Dad, I thought as I shook my head. It was pretty cool that my dad listened to the same shit I did and it made things….easier I guess you could say.
Yea, my dad seemed pretty cool to most people who met him but I hated how he never listened to me. He never has. Well…not since my mom died. He got me upset quite often because of all the careless shit he tended to do sometimes and in the end it always seems to be my fault. I had to say that my dad really did have some anger issues... but he tries not to let that side show. And when it shows, oh boy you’d better look out. No, he’s never laid a hand on me but his words hurt just as equally painful if not worse. He’s partly the reason why I do half the shit I do. Things could get pretty intense.
Reaching into the glove compartment of my dad’s new pickup truck, I grabbed my fluffy green diary along with the fluffy green pen my mother had given me years before the accident. Wasting no time, I began to scribble words on the blank page filled with my mother’s scent.
Dear mom,
We’re moving…AGAIN. This really is tiring me. Dad keeps telling me that the next move is the last move but do you know how many times he’s told me that? Too many times. Yes, I just turned 18 but it's hard being on your own when you're so young. You would know. Am I excited that we get to be around some super attractive rockstars? I'd be crazy to say no. But who knows how that's going to go....
I’m just tired of not being able to keep the friends I make every time we’re in a new city. I’m tired of starting over every time dad feels an urge to move. I want to actually be able to go to get comfortable and make new friends. I get so lonely with all the moving we’re doing. If you were here I know it would all be different but….you’re not here.
I miss you so much, mom. You have no idea. Talking to you through this diary doesn’t quite make me feel any better. I know you don’t want me to cry but it’s so hard not to. Dad just completely loses it every time you pop into a conversation and his drinking hasn’t gotten any better. If anything it’s gotten worse. He drinks until he passes out and all this drinking is going to end up leaving me not only motherless…but fatherless too. I don’t know what to do to help him or stop him. He's just not able to handle this in the right way and neither can I. I drink too.
Yes, I know it’s horrible. I drink. I cut. I smoke. I cry myself to sleep. Everything you’ve never wanted me to do. I’m sure you’ve seen what I’ve done and I’m sure that you’re upset about it too but it’s the only way I feel better…. I don’t drink like dad does though. Well…sometimes when I get real upset I do but I do my best not to. I’m trying so hard to stop but…mom I need your help. *sigh* well we’ve been driving for nine hours straight now and I’d better get some sleep. I’ll write back later.
Love,
Jen
Sighing softly, I placed the diary back into its usual resting spot in the glove compartment and leaned back into the cushiony leather seat. Gazing out the cold window, I stared aimlessly at the moving bodies that seemed to be moving rather slow with no motivation at all. The glass my hand had been pressed against tightly for so long seemed to separate me from the real world…from reality…away from life itself.
Closing my eyes slowly, I tried clearing out the thoughts lingering in my mind…somehow managing to fall into a peaceful sleep….sleep my body had been craving for hours.
*****
I awoke to the gentle shaking of a very familiar hand, bringing me back to my alert mode. I guess it was obvious that I was startled and I heard a little chuckle to the right of me. Looking over in that direction I found myself gazing into the face of Avenged Sevenfold's stunning lead singer.
“Hey kiddo..sorry to startle you. I was told to come wake you up. It was kinda cute I must say,” he admitted looking quite amused and I instantly felt my cheeks burning red. I tried to think of Matt as a big brother figure so that I could keep my hormones at bay. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.
“Yeah I bet it was. Hi to you too,” I said sarcastically as I climbed out of the truck and stretched sleepily.
He closed the door behind me and said, “Long time no see, eh?”
“Yea I know,” I replied while embracing him in a warm hug. Feeling his muscular arms around me always made my stomach fill with butterflies. But I've gotten used to it.
“How are you?” he asked me as he took a step back as he glanced over me a few times.
“Alright. Just….tired,” I said honestly to him.
“Yea I’m sure you are. Are you excited your dad is going to be working with us now?” he asked me curiously.
“Yea of course but…..” I really didn’t want to tell him what was on my mind so I cut myself off.
“But what?”
“Nah, nothing,” I said, shrugging.
“You sure?” He seemed a bit worried.
“Yeah, it’s cool,” I replied, although I could tell that he wasn’t convinced at all. I wasn’t going to waste my time trying to explain to him my life story because for all I knew, he might go and tell my dad who’d then lecture me for hours. That’s the last thing I needed. It’s just best that I keep my problems and thoughts to myself right now and assure everyone that there’s nothing wrong and that I’m happy to be here. Then we’d all be happy right?
Maybe I will like it here in California better than Florida. I guess I just had to find out. I knew the guys pretty well and we kept in touch regularly prior to us moving here with them. So I was hoping this transition wouldn't be as rough as the rest. I’ve spent quite some time with them on the road and at concerts and I have even gone on a couple of tours with them. It’s a pretty incredible experience.
"Jen?” his voice startled me again. I found myself once again gazing into Matt’s eyes that were unsurprisingly filled with concern.
“Sorry,” I said apologetically, scowling myself silently.
“Don’t apologize. Something just…isn’t right. I can see it in your eyes,” he pointed out. Shit. I knew he was going to say that….but I didn’t know what to tell him. I had to make something up…but nothing came to mind.
“You're over analyzing me again. I hate being stuck in a damn car for so long. Give me a little time to warm up and you won't be thinking that anymore," I laughed, instantly changing the look on his face to display amusement.
"Whatever you say pumpkin," he teased, causing me to slap him in the arm. I hated when he called me that and he knew it.
I followed him into the large house through the garage door, and into what appeared to be a living room filled with all sorts of eccentric furniture. And there was my dad of course, chugging down his first bottle of Heinekin.
“Look who’s back!” Zacky cried as he ran over and hugged me, practically tackling me to the ground. His touch instantly caused my stomach to churn from all the nerves he gave me. I have always had a little girl crush on him since before I met them two years ago.
“Jesus! Dramatic much?” I laughed, trying my best to hide my nervousness from him.
“Do you expect anything less from me?” He questioned after finally letting go of me.
“No, I suppose not,” I replied as I shook my head.
“C’mon, girl. You’re room’s over this way. Don’t mind those douche bags. Oh and you guys need to go help Jack unload everything because he’s the one doing us a favor!” Matt ordered and the guys all groaned. One by one they hesitantly picked themselves up and piled outside where our truck was parked. Matt proceeded in taking me to my room.
Following him up the long set of stairs, I was introduced to my new room. To my surprise, it wasn’t that bad at all. Quite large actually….and designed in favor of my taste.
“You like it?” he asked me, smiling.
“Yea! It’s kick ass!!! The decorations…the color of the walls…the posters….the way it’s all set up. And I get my own bathroom in here?? It’s every girl's dream!” I exclaimed excitedly.
“I did my best and had a little help from your dad. I’m glad you like it,” he said proudly.
“YOU DID THIS!!?” I was shocked.
“Yes ma’am”
“Wow. Thank you so much Matt!!! You did an awesome job. You’re most definitely the best!” I cried, hugging him tightly for a second and he laughed.
“You’re welcome Jen. I wanted you to be happy here and I know you’re going through a lot right now…. But I need you to know that I am here and if you need me don’t be afraid of me. I won’t go running to your dad if you tell me something you don’t want him to know. You can tell me anything Jen, I promise. I’m always willing to listen. And if you need a shoulder to cry on, that’s what this big boy is here for,” he said, patting his large, muscular shoulder that was covered in beautiful tattoos, which made me giggle.
“Thanks again, Matt for everything.” I said, a bit unsure as to why he’d said all those things. I mean, I've told him some things that I've gone through but never anything super in depth. They all knew about what happened to my mom so I assume that's what he's referring to. I found that…rather sweet because no one’s ever done that for me and so maybe being here would do me some good. Who knows?
“Well I’d better get back downstairs and help your dad finish the unloading. I think we were planning on going out to dinner when we’re done. I’ll let you know in a little bit okay?”
“Sounds good to me.” I stood there until he disappeared into the hall and I crashed onto my bed. I was so tired and dazed by the emotions Matt had provoked out of me. I felt tears begin to leak out of my weary eyes as they took its usual course down my cheeks.
No Jen. Stop being a little bitch.
I knew I needed sleep terribly. So that’s what I did. I cried myself to sleep.