It's Sorrow That Feed Your Lies

It was a loud series of bangs that pulled me out of my deep and somewhat pleasant sleep. "Jesus Christ, Zacky! Could you be any clumsier!?? Jen is sleeping ya know!?" I heard Brian yell from what appeared to be across the hall and I couldn't help but smile.

”I know, Brian! It’s not like I intending on making that happen!” Zacky said trying to defend himself. Man I sure missed these guys. Yup, I won't be missing them anymore though because my dad said we were here to stay. I will refuse to move again. I don't care if I am left homeless. I'm done moving for good. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Carefully getting up out of bed, I walked into the bathroom and stood there, analyzing myself in the mirror. Man I looked horrible. Bracing myself against the sink, I just stared into my pathetic reflection, wishing it wasn’t me. I ran my fingers through my long messy strands of dark hair before deciding that a cigarette is what I really needed. I was a bit unsure as to whether or not I could get away with smoking one but thought fuck it, I'll do it anyways.

Hmm….where to smoke? Looking around at my surroundings, I caught sight of the balcony in my room. How did I miss that? This was just too perfect.

I stepped out onto the sturdily built balcony and inhaled the fresh air around me. Routinely placing a cigarette to my lips filled with desire, I lit it and drew the smoke in slowly savoring the taste I craved much too often. Blowing the smoke out softly, I shut my eyes momentarily and allowed the smoke to swarm around in my face, filling my nostrils.

God, I hope Mom isn’t watching, I thought. I’d feel so ashamed of myself.

What would the guys think of me smoking? Probably nothing. It's the alcohol and self mutilation that I worried about the most. I had to wear long sleeved shirts and jackets constantly to protect my arms from exposure. Damn, I needed to stop this shit. I don’t know how much more my arms could take.

Yea, cutting made me feel better but really….what does it solve? It doesn’t solve anything. It makes life much more complicated. And it puts me at great risk. So does the alcohol. But I couldn’t stop these things on my own. I needed help. I needed mom. But mom’s not here so I had to find someone else.

“Since when did you start smoking?” I heard Zacky's voice emerge through my doorway and I froze. Shit. Aw, who am I kidding? This was bound to happen right? There’s no need to freak out. I’ll just have to tell him the truth.

“About a year now. It’s what I do to relieve stress and it really helps,” I admitted as I avoided turning around to face him.

"Does your dad know?"

"Nope."

"Do you plan on telling him?"

"Maybe eventually. Not like it's a crime anyways," I told him honestly as he came up beside me.

"Well hey if that's what you want...."

"No it's not what I want but it's the least painful way I can relieve stress so I do it the most,” I said and then regretted that. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Jen…are you telling me that you're hurting yourself intentionally? What else do you do aside from smoking?” His face showed fear and confusion. I had to come up with something.

“I degrade myself mentally. Words can be painful too you know.”

“Bullshit. You came up with that on the fly. Why are you lying to me?”

"I'm not lying. Believe what you want. I'm old enough to handle myself Zacky so I don't need you treating me like a child," I argued feeling slightly offended. I mean, he was right but I wasn't going to tell him that.

"I'm sorry...it's just...if something happened to you...."

“Nothing is going to happen to me, Zacky. I’ve lasted 18 years now and that’s not going to change,” I said to him shortly as I stomped out my cigarette and walked away. First it was Matt and now him. Next thing you know, everyone's going to be prying into my personal life and keeping tabs on me.

“Jen wait,” he called out as he grabbed my arm lightly and pulled me back towards him, “I’m not trying to get all up in your business okay? I do respect your privacy but you need to respect the fact that I do care about you and I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you that I could have prevented,” he explained to me and I swear it looked like he was about to cry. Wow, I’m mean.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry this car ride over here was just so long it’s got me in a mood. You’re just trying to look out for me. When I'm ready to talk, I promise I'll let you know." I felt bad having to lie to him but I was just trying to protect myself. I was desperate to try and avoid my problems right now.

“Okay, Jen, that will make me feel a lot better. Talk to me when you’re ready. I didn’t come up here to spy on you. I just wanted to tell you how much I missed having you around," he admitted in his usual adorable tone that caused me to instantly blush.

“Awh at least one of you missed me. You were always my favorite,” I laughed, trying to play my emotions cool.

“Really?” He questioned in almost disbelief.

“Yes...isn’t it obvious that I—..” but I stopped myself instantly realizing that for some insane reason I was going to blurt our to him that I had a crush on him. Holy hell Jen get a grip on yourself.

“You what??” His gaze met mine momentarily full of curiosity.

“Nothing. I’ll tell you later when my mind is fully rested.” I replied quickly breaking his piercing gaze.

“Okay fine, but I won't forget. In the meantime, we have pizza downstairs,” he informed me.

“Pizza? I thought Matt said we were going out?”

“The guys are too tired so we just ordered pizza. Sooo come eat.”

“Yes sir,” I said with a weak smile and he chuckled. Zacky was my dream crush. If he knew he'd probably never let me hear the end of it. Maybe one day I'd work up the nerves to tell him.

My stomach churned as I saw the freshly made pizza. I was not hungry at all. If I didn’t eat though, someone would surely say something. So I took a couple of cheese slices and unwillingly ate them. Bad thing about pizza is that I loved to pair it with alcohol...something my body desperately began to crave.

All of the guys were sitting comfortably on the living room couches, including my dad, and they were deep in conversation about their upcoming tour. Perfect.

Slipping away stealthily into the garage, I opened the fridge that the guys used strictly for beer and fished through the different bottles, finding nothing appealing. Just as I was about to turn around, an unopened bottle of Jack Daniel’s caught my eye on a shelf just above the fridge with a few other bottles of liquor. Okay now all I had to do was make it to my room without being noticed.

I quickly passed by the kitchen again I saw Matt glance up at me. He didn’t appear to notice the bottle clenched in my hiding hand so as soon as I had reached the stairs, I made a run for my room. I had to do this as quickly as possible.

Plopping down onto my bed, I uncapped the bottle and took a bold first sip. It always made me cringe at first. Shit, would they notice this bottle gone later? Oh well, fuck it because I don’t give a shit. As I had barely eaten anything today, the whiskey had immediately taken effect and I felt tipsy. And when I felt tipsy I craved sex. Clearly I couldn't fulfill that right now but I could always let my thoughts entertain me.

But then a sense of loneliness completely consumed me and I lost it. Wow. I went from angry to horny and then straight into depression. What a fucking train wreck I was.

My cheeks burned as the tears poured out of my eyes. Even though I looked at crying as a form of weakness, I found myself doing it all the time.

As the time slipped by, my vision grew extremely weak and blurry. I couldn’t get up no matter how hard I tried. I was angry…very angry at myself for not thinking this through. And then the moment I dreaded yet longed for finally happened. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and held me tightly. But with the state I was in, I didn't look up to see who it was.

How was I going to explain myself? The thought haunted me until I finally lost consciousness.