It's Not A Love Song

31st June 1999

That’s the day that my father died. Being only 7 years old I never understood it fully, but all I knew was that my dad had gone and wasn’t coming back. I was fine with it, everything happens for a reason. I was never angry about it and I never felt like I’d missed out on anything because I didn’t have a father. I never blamed anyone. I was completely happy with my life.

My mother is a soldier, through out all of this she never lost her cool. She claims it’s because of our family friends; the Jonas family. They’ve helped us through a lot whether it be Christmas’s or debts. They always have our backs.

It was us who bought them their first van, when my dad’s mom died she left us some money and that’s what we spent it on. So I travelled with them, selling shirts and handing their CDs out at shows. I was their little helper but when they got big, they needed real proper helpers, not some teenage girl.

So, I stayed at home with my Mom, but most people know her by Cath. They toured around the world, talking to me whenever they had time spare. It was hard, but worth it. I had things to pass my time, like my ex-boyfriend Nathan.

Tired of the distance between us it had been decided my mom would be an assistant to them and I would come along for the World Tour. Excited was an understatement. I’d packed all my bags and saved up a lot of money so that I could buy things in different cities. They managed to squeeze us onto their tour bus by adding two more bunks, it would be squished but I didn’t care.

The night that was my last night with Nathan before I flew to Dallas. When he arrived at the house, I knew something was wrong. “Juliana!”

He sat me down on the porch and told me he was breaking up with me. Said he couldn't handle a long distance relationship. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact he wasn't even willing to try it but it made me even more positive that he wasn't worth it anymore.

That night was hard to sleep through, my mom didn’t check up on me, she must have just thought I'd fallen asleep. She checked on me once, but mom doesn’t give intense checks on my sleeping patterns. I was awake for six in the morning, an hour before I needed to, so I decided to shower.

When I looked in the mirror I wasn’t surprised. My eyes were blood shot and bags were apparent under them. My usually nude coloured face was almost green looking and my hair was greasy but a shower could fix that. Once out of the shower I tied my hair back into a wet messy bun and decided against make up, I was in no mood to look even half decent.

My mother had awoken during my shower, she seemed as if she knew what was wrong. When I stepped into the kitchen dressed in some old jeans, a black tank top and Nathan’s grey zip up hoodie my mother sighed.

“Honey, aren’t you going to make an effort for the Jonas’s? Joe will be there.” She hinted flipping a pancake onto my plate.

My mother had never gotten over my fifteen year old crush on Joe Jonas. I was very over it, yet she hung onto it with a steel grip. So did Denise though she wasn’t as forward as my mother was about the whole fiasco.

“I’m not hungry.” I told her pushing the plate away from me. “We’re going to be late.” I said monotonously pointing to the clock. She sighed once more and turned off all the appliances in the kitchen, all except the fridge… does she have some special trust bond with the fridge? Mothers are weird.

I slept the whole of the journey yet I found myself still tired when we wandered through the airport and to the cab outside. My mother was taunting me with make up, telling me I’d regret it when I really wasn’t bothered about it too much. Instead of going to the over sized golf course home of the Jonas clan we went straight to the stadium which I only found out about when the car stopped as I fell asleep again.

“Jesus, sleep anymore and you’ll go into a coma.” My mom mumbled as I shoved my white rimmed Ray Bans over my tired eyes.

“Yeah, you’re so hilarious mother.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed my bag from the trunk.

I carried it inside, following Jeff through the unfamiliar stadium. He pointed to their dressing room where I quickly entered while my mother headed to the stage where they were rehearsing.

Normally I would be speeding down the corridors to my friends but today I was too tired and I was in an awful mood so I didn’t want to see them. Instead I laid down on their sofa, sunglasses and all, and went back to sleep with tears flowing down my cheeks onto the sleeve of my ex-boyfriends jacket.

My sleep was interrupted later on by everyone entering the dressing room. I attempted to force my self to sleep but the conversation was too easy to concentrate on.

“I thought you said she’d slept the whole way here?” Nick’s voice asked.

“She did, from the car to the plane, to the car to here.”

Nick laughed to himself, “Can I wake her up?”

“No you can’t!” Joe shout whispered, “Leave her to sleep.”

“She hasn’t eaten all day.” My mother said. Why she felt the need to voice my nutrition information to family was beyond me. “Joe, maybe you could make her eat…”

I rolled my eyes under my closed lids. Everyone filed out of the room and I smiled to myself, finally I could sleep. Or so I thought. A rude hand began to shake my body like an annoying cloud in a clear blue sky. I opened one eye to see a very unstyled Joe Jonas looking down at me.

“Ugh, what’s with the outfit?” I cringed. He wore some loose fitting jeans and a black shirt with a green hat and white running shoes. The hat was the off bit, all off his curls stuck out from underneath it like an afro under pressure.

He smiled at me cockily. “What’s with the face?” He retorted.

I scrunched up my face at him and rolled over to face the inside of the sofa. “Leave me alone.”

Joe laughed, “I missed you too.” He paused for a moment and rolled me onto my back. I looked up at him. So his style and hair had changed, but his face hadn’t apart from he looked a bit more masculine. “You need to eat something.”

I shook my head. “I’m tired.”

I didn’t fight him when he used his muscles to prop me up right making my head momentarily hurt. “Well once you eat something you can go back to sleep.”

I nodded, agreeing with the compromise, and he smiled at me thankfully. He picked up yoghurt from the coffee table and squished onto the sofa with me. My heart jumped a bit when he put his arm around my shoulder but then I realised it was just to make some room and I calmed down.

He held the spoon of yoghurt out in front of me so I leaned forward and wrapped my lips around the spoon, dragging the food into my mouth. After a few spoon full’s I felt pathetic, like a loner. I didn’t even notice the tears on my cheeks until Joe swiped them away. He placed the cup and spoon on the floor and wrapped both arms around me. I sighed unhappily and turned on my side to rest my head on his chest.

Peacefully, he played with the ends of my hair while I traced invisible shapes on his chest. “I never liked him anyway.” He mumbled to me.