It's Not A Love Song

The sea was a calming addiction in some senses, now that most people had cleared from the white sands of the beautiful beach beneath my feet, the silence was over powering in the most amazing sense. The sound of the waves crashing against each other and the wind forcing the leaves of tall palm trees scatter against each other created a stunning melody that made me close my eyes under the lovely heat of the sun as Joe and I walked hand in hand together through the shallows of the sea. Some small rippling repercussions of larger waves would scurry across our feet then return back to join the larger body of the ocean.

It was always a memorable moment whenever Joe and I actually stopped trying to battle each other, or talk, or make noises come out of our bodies and just took the time to be with each other. The rare silence between us was settling and something to relish in as a couple. Joe made sure to let me know he wasn’t drifting so far away he was forgetting I was there all together by occasionally rubbing his thumb against my own.

From the corner of my eye I spotted that both Emma and Nick had returned to the beach, together they sat on one deck chair. Nick was gently caressing Emma’s face while she looked lovingly down into his eyes, he looked at her with such intensity that no one could deny it was love. It brought a smile to my face knowing that Emma had realised that no matter what anyone else had said or admitted, their love was special, sacred and secret. But what worried me was the lack of knowledge they both had about the hardships to come; keeping secrets are like lies inside of you.

Joe and I appeared to have the same idea as once I turned slightly he did too and we sat on the hot, dry sand and looked out onto the ocean next to each other. “This is so amazing.”

I smiled at Joe’s words and nodded, “I know. It’s totally like a secluded paradise. I haven’t seen internet or a cell phone for nearly a day.”

Joe stiffened at the word ‘internet’ but soon relaxed; I guess he was having withdrawal symptoms too. “I know, congratuwelldone.”

I chuckled and rolled my eyes at him. I couldn’t resist. I pushed myself upwards an pressed my lips to his, he smiled against my own and pulled my closer to him. Ever so carefully, I pushed my hand around the back of his neck and played with the ends of his soft hair, our lips moved together in a sweet passionate kiss that almost drown me into a puddle of love.

After our kiss, Joe pecked my lips then stood up. I stretched out my arms, signalling for him to pull me up to my feet which he did then we strolled over to Emma and Nick who were sucking face.

“Emma and I are going out to dinner tonight, just so you know.” Nick announced as I sat down in the sand.

I looked at Emma, she blushed and nodded, confirming my beliefs. He was taking her out to make her feel better and probably planning other things, and it appeared to be working judging by the smile on her face. Then, just like that, they began to swallow each others saliva.

“Nice.” I mumbled, twisting my body so I could lie under the sun on my back. I reached onto my lounge chair to pick up my Blackberry onto my hand a large and familiar hand clamp down on my own.

“No phones.” He stated firmly.

I rolled my eyes, “I only wanted to check the time.” I mumbled, tutting to myself.

I closed my eyes and relaxed onto the towel, enjoying the feeling of the sand beneath it moulding to my body. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t get comfortable under the sun so I sat up and put on a pair of sunglasses. “Emma, come for a walk.”

She sighed and reluctantly dragged her self away from Nick. Joe hadn’t seen me move considering he had fallen asleep under the sun, so I managed to sneak away from him and steal his vest to slip over my bikini while Emma wore a large shirt of her own that she had cut so it fell off her left shoulder.

Emma and I strolled through the paradise of green plants and white sands, past the clear swimming pools filled with excited children and cautious parents towards the marble lobby of the actual hotel. Employees nodded at us with smiles or quickly asked us how we were in passing, obviously sucking up to the ‘high class’ visitors that we were tagged as. We didn’t say anything, but occasionally scoffed at some of the ‘swimsuits’ that girls were wearing while we made our way towards a one of the lounges dotted around the hotel.

We found was relatively empty one, filled with only a few adults and their annoyed children who had obviously been dragged there. A waiter immediately brought us two diet cokes with a slice of lime and crushed ice in it, he had remember what we ordered when we first came.

“Joe’s sticking to you like the sand in my ass cheeks, what the hell is up with him?” Emma spat out, with all seriousness and no shame.

I held in my laughter and sighed, “I don’t know. I’m surprised he hasn’t turned on his Julia-dar and chased after me.” I groaned and nervously scratched my arm. “Emma, I think he’s done something. Something really bad.”

She frowned, “Why do you think that?”

“I can just feel it right in my gut, and his constant stalking of me is just confirming it.” Emma just kept eye contact, pity within her brown orbs as she could see my own blue eyes tearing up.

“You know, you just have to trust your instincts and you’ve been right before. I’m not saying he has done something, but it wouldn’t be the first time…”

I laughed, “Yeah, remember when you went on a date with him.” She looked taken back at the fact that I had brought it up again after all this time.

She was silent. I shot her an ice glare and picked up my glass of coke then sucked some up through the straw into my mouth. We were quiet for a while. Emma watched people walk by us while I continued to drink from my glass and look at her to bring something else.

I stood up and adjusted Joe’s vest straight, “Whatever, I’m going for a wander.”

I took off at a fast pace, my flip flops snapping against the marble floor as I walked speedily back towards the beach. Some teens I walked past did a double take but before they could react I was gone, just a freakish look-a-like is probably what they put it down to. Eventually I reached the now empty beach, I could hear Denise shouting loudly; to whom I didn’t know. I hung behind a bush while she shouted, calling one of her boys ‘inconsiderate’ and ‘unbelievable’.

I was too eager to know who she was shouting at so I stepped on to the beach, to my surprise it was Joe who was at the receiving end of the frightful scolding Denise was belting out loudly on the baron beach. As soon as she saw me behind Joe, her face relaxed but her posture remained tense and rigid.

Joe spun around, horror on his face. “What’s with the shouting?” I asked, folding my arms over the thin material that covered me.

I saw Joe attempt to sneak a look at his mom without me seeing, but he failed, I saw it and it worried me. A sinking feeling settled in my stomach and my mouth felt like sand paper.

“Joe?” Denise said, glaring at him.

“Well?” I nervously laughed, running a hand through my hair.

Joe stepped forward and gently grabbed onto my wrist, then led me off the beach away from everyone. I stayed silent and let him lead me briskly all the way up to our hotel room, even in the elevator I left the silence alone. Once we were in the hotel room, I stood in the middle of the room a few feet away from him.

I decided to talk first. “Well, Denise was having a good old shout. What happened?”

I was very nervous, the look on his face just told me something was seriously wrong with him or us. My palms were sweaty from the pace my heart was beating when I looked at him, hoping for some sort of sign everything was fine.

Then, just like that, he blurted out, “I cheated on you.”

My heart felt like it had jumped up my throat and my legs felt as if they had been clamped into a tense straight posture. I could feel my throat getting drier as I gasped in a mouthful of air to my lungs. The whole of my body felt ten times heavier as my worst fears were solidified.

I ran my tongue over my lips and teeth. “I knew it.” I whispered out. “I knew it.” It seemed I could only form that sentence.

“It meant nothing. It was a mistake, I’d take it all back if I could.” Joe stuttered out, tears pouring down his cheek.

Usually, when I saw him crying it broke me, but now it gave me a slight satisfaction. Usually, when I see him I get butterflies, but now all I felt was disgust. I’d given him everything I had left inside of me and he’d just thrown it away.

“I can’t believe you.” I croaked out, “I believed everything, everything… the idea of us being together was like perfection. Maybe that’s the thing you loved,” I watched his lips quivering through my tears that fell down my cheeks, “you loved the idea of us two together not me—”

Joe furiously wiped the tears from his cheeks, “You know that’s not true!” He shouted, his voice bellowing through the room.

“You wouldn’t have done that to me if you did love me!” I shouted back at him, letting out a sob that made my rib cage ache.

We just stood, looking at each other, every emotion rushing through us and in the small space between us they crashed together like the once calm seas that suddenly erupted into one almighty storm. A storm in which Joe and I had been swept away from each other, and though it broke my heart I knew it was for the best.

I took my final look at him, turned my back and walked out of the room.

Through my pain I managed to force myself to my room, my body was tearing itself apart along with my heart as I tried to gather all my things together. I couldn't grasp the fact it was over, it hurt me like a dagger through my gut when ever a new realisation of what I was losing struck me.

From the fact I’d never get to kiss him to all the memories we already have that would haunt me, but even still I couldn’t help but think I was just naïve and the only one in love. How could he just do that to us so easily? Why would he do it?

I had so many questions that I don’t even believe he had the answers to, he just stood there expecting me to do what I usually do when he cries; give him a cuddle and tell him everything’s going to be okay. But he wouldn’t have that ever again. And I sincerely hoped that he would realise what he was losing, because I couldn’t go back now, not after what he’d done. It would always be a doubt in my mind, I’d never trust him again. Though my heart wanted him to wrap me up in himself, my head was attempting to focus me on all the mistakes and things he’s done wrong to me.

My head was the only thing that kept me packing those clothes and from running back to him and forgiving him. The heart within me was convincing me that what he did wasn’t that bad while my brain argued the reality, I couldn’t act off of love but the thoughts inside me were giving me a headache.

Finally, I slammed my suitcase shut and crawled onto my bed.

And, then just as I needed her my mom came rushing through the door. Her motherly/witch instincts had obviously brought her here, she crawled onto the bed with me and cuddled me into her. “It’s okay sweetie.”

The salty tears seemed never ending, even as I licked my lips I could taste them and my face felt stiff from the tears that had dried and made my skin taut. “Mom, it hurts.”

“I know it does honey, but you gave it your all. That’s the best you can do.” She kissed my hair and rubbed my arm, her touch comforted me and relaxed me so much I actually stopped crying.

But I was still as sad as ever.

Though, I promised my self something, something big. That I would live the life I wanted with nothing holding me back, but with the knowledge of my mistakes to cushion the falls along the way.