Walk Away

It's Alright, it's OK
I'm so much better without you
I won't be sorry
It's Alright, it's OK
So don't you bother what I do

September came and went, overall a very nice month. Nothing extremely great happened, but nothing extremely horrible happened, either. October first rolled by on a thursday, meaning my birthday was on a saturday. Nick had been asking me ever since September 17th what I wanted for my birthday. I constantly gave him lame answers like, "The sun," "World Peace," "Prince charming," and other silly things. I didn't have a clue about what I wanted, in all honesty. I was just happy to have three best friends who I could turn to no matter what.

"Katie, I can't believe you're going to be 17. It seems like yesterday you were barely 15!"

Victoria and I were talking about my freshman year of high school when I met her.

"You were 17 when you met me. Now I need to meet a freshman girl and be her best friend, and we can keep up this tradition!"

We both laughed and then she asked me a serious question.

"How are things with Nick? Have you made any headway on wooing him?"

I paused for a second before answering her.

"I know you're going to be mad that I didn't tell you earlier, but I really have no excuse."

"He asked you out, didn't he? He loved you this whole time, didn't he? I don't even care that you didn't tell me, I'm just so happy for you!"

I cleared my throat. Oh, she was going to be so disappointed.

"Uh, no, Victoria. I don't like him that way anymore."

"WHAT," She screamed into the phone. Ow.

"I don't like him that way anymore. He had plenty of chances, but he didn't take any. So therefore, he obviously doesn't like me. Obviously, I shouldn't waste my time. We're great friends, but us being a couple would just be too weird."

She was in awe, to say the least, but she got over it. We got off the phone and I cracked my window a bit to circulate some air through my stuffy room. I changed clothes and washed up before I crawled into bed at 10. Unfortunately, I had one of the worst nightmares of my life.

I was running by myself. Why do all my nightmares involve running? I was running for what seemed like ages. All of a sudden, Nick was running beside me, but he could run faster than me. The more we ran the more I slowed Nick down. He slowed his pace just so he could stay with me. Finally, I turned around and ran towards a ditch I found earlier. I jumped into it but when I sank I couldn't get back up. I didn't jump into a ditch, I jumped into a tar pit. For some reason, I could still breathe, but I couldn't see anything and my limbs felt like they weighed a million pounds. The sticky goop clung to my joints and I felt frozen. The weight got the better of me and I slowly started sinking to the bottom of the pit. Eventually, I hit the lowest part of the pit. It was hard, my feet hurt as I fell onto it. Literally, I had hit rock bottom. There were voices all around me calling out for me, but I couldn't say anything back. Suddenly, the tar eased through my throat and nose and my lungs were coated in the black goo. My dream life would now be lived at the bottom of this pit, lifeless and alone. As I closed my eyes around my already blackend eyes, something grabbed my shoulder and I jumped awake.

I coughed and spluttered and blinked furiously as I flailed my arms, trying to get my movement in all areas back. I motherfucking hate nightmares.

My pajamas were stuck to my chest and back because I was sweating so much. I clambered out of bed and walked into my closet to change my shirt. Right after the hem hit my hip bone, I heard Nick fall out of my window onto the floor.

"WHAT'S WRONG. I HEARD YELLING. ARE YOU OKAY?!"

I opened the door and Nick rolled across the floor with a NERF gun, actually it was the NERF gun I got him for his birthday. He shot one at me and it hit the door.

"Nick this isn't Home Alone. I am not Joe Pesci."

We both sighed and Nick came over and hugged me. I hugged back and inhaled deeply. Nick always smelled good.

"Before you ask," I mumbled into his chest, "I just had a nightmare. I'm not dying. You may go back to your bed now. But thanks for trying to protect me anyways."

He agreed and retired to his room for the evening. I closed the window after he left, in case I had another nightmare. After I shoved the window closed, I climbed back under my covers and fell asleep to be swallowed by the airless, sightless, goop of a million pounds. I stood like a statue until the morning, and took deep breaths when I woke up.

What the hell does this dream mean?

I flung the covers off of me and got ready for the day as I thought about my dream.

Well, it started off, I was miserable running by myself in that dream. When Nick had arrived, he was moving on the fast track, but he was running with me, still. I felt like I was slowing him down, so I turned around and jumped into a tar pit? What the fuck kind of dreams do I have? But when I got into the pit, I hit rock bottom and I felt lost and lonely. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I'm going to feel like I'm holding Nick back, and I'm going to cut ties with him. Then, because I can't function without him, my life will go right down the crapper. Shit. I didn't want that to happen. I never wanted to live my life around a man. Fucking fate. Fucking cosmos. Fucking God. Stop fucking around with my life, all of you!

I let out a disgruntled yell as I spit out my toothpaste. Fuck my life, right now. This just sucks.

I walked into my closet and pulled out a pair of jeans and whatever shirt was closest. I turned on my iPod that was in its dock and increased the volume immediatly. "It's Alright, It's OK," was playing and I was so grateful. This was exactly what I needed right now. I will be okay without being Nick's love interest. It was at this point that I realized two things;

The first, being that I would always love Nick Jonas with wholeness of my heart.

The second, being that I would only love him as a brother.

But it's alright, it's okay, I'll be so much better without him. I'm alright. I'm okay.

What I didn't realize at that point, is that this was the beginning of my descent into the tar pit.