Have You Ever Felt Alone In A Crowded Room?

It’s been a while since I last heard from Jacoby. I wonder if she’s alright. She must be doing better than she ever has. And what about Danny? What’s he up to now?

I know her graduation is coming up soon. I wish I could go see her, but that won’t happen. My parents are probably still pissed at me, or they’ve forgotten about my existence by now. Maybe Jacoby’s changed her mind about moving to New Jersey.

She’d probably have a better life back home. After she graduates, Jacoby could go on doing horse shows all over. And then, maybe she’d train for the Olympics or something. I could see her winning a gold medal. Her mother would be so proud, and maybe even that Ted guy...

I haven’t told her about my new friends, our heroes, in an email or phone call. But I wanted to, and maybe tell her about a road trip we should go on together, and even bring Danny along. I may be dirt poor right now, but if I saved up enough, we could travel someplace nice. And even if I’ve become closer with My Chemical Romance, it’s still pretty lonely here without Jacoby.

“This night’s a perfect shade of dark blue dark blue, have you ever been alone in a crowded room?”

I was quietly singing along to the radio playing Jack Mannequin’s “Dark Blue” on my night shift at the record store. It was still pretty early in the evening, and I wouldn’t be seeing Frank or the rest of My Chem until the end of the night. I thought any moment Dickbag John was going to yell at me for being annoying, but he didn’t.

Instead, he said “I didn’t know you could sing, Dahlia. You’ve got a beautiful voice.”

That may have been the first nice compliment he’s given me. Ever.

“Oh, thanks. You know, when I came here, I hoped to start a band.”

“Really? That sounds cool.”

Since when does he care?

“Yeah, but I still don’t know a lot of people. And I was waiting for one of my friends to come around so we could get a band together. But she may not, so...”

“Do you want me to help you out?”

I paused before I said “Um, I’m sorry to ask, but...why are being so nice? I was pretty sure you hated me.”

“Well, I’m starting to like you a lot. And it kind of helps that you’re cute.”

He smiled at me for the first time, and I actually started blushing. He thinks I’m cute? Maybe he’s just messing with me. But John is actually pretty handsomeawkward. He’s got short black hair that’s a little messy and tousled, and he’s a bit taller than me with the prettiest dark green eyes I’ve ever-Whoa...wait...

Am I really starting to get attracted to this guy?

After a tiny bit of silence, I said “Well...um...I’ve been putting the band thing off for a while. I’m kind of happy with the job I have here.”

After that, the next few hours we went back to watching for anyone else come into the shop. The only noise in the background was coming from the radio on the front desk, now playing Secondhand Serenade’s “Fall For You.” How appropriate.

I heard John humming along to it. And pretty soon, I started too.

We were both singing “Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you over again, don’t make me change my mind. Or I won’t live to see another day, I swear it’s true. Because a girl like you is impossible to find.”

And when the song was over, and my shift was done, as I was heading out the door, I heard John sing to himself the rest of the song.

No. He probably doesn't look at me like that. Why would he? What would he see in me?
________________________________________________

As soon as I unlocked my apartment door, I was immediately tackled someone who was already inside. I nearly screamed bloody murder, but then I found out who it was.

As I sat up, I said “Oh my God, Frank! You scared me half to death! I thought you were a fucking murderer! And how did you get in?”

As soon as he was done laughing at me, he answered “You gave me a spare key, remember?”

“Oh. But still, why are you here?”

“I was waiting for you. And I got your mail.”

As he helped me up and pulled out some envelopes from his jacket pocket, I thanked him and said “What’s up with everyone else? Bob, Mikey, Ray, Gerard?”

“They’re all at home, asleep. Except for Mikey. I brought him along. He’s actually asleep on your bed.”

The one guy that ends up in my bed and it’s Mikey...

Frank wonders out loud “How did he sleep through all the commotion we made?”

I tried not to laugh. I think Jacoby turned me into a pervert...

Frank went over to my mattress on the floor. He shook Mikey a little and said “Hey Mikey. Hey, Mikey. Mikey. Mikey. M-“

“I heard you the first forty fucking times! Jeez!”

I called to him “Evening, Mikey!”

He sat up and said “Oh hey, Dahlia. How was work?”

I replied “Funny thing happened. John and I were actually getting along.”

“Dickbag John? The same guy that called you an Emo freak?”

“Yes. He said that I had a beautiful voice and I was...cute.”

“Well, you are. But you’re more than that, Dahlia.”

“Oh, come on, Mikey. I’m really not.”

I’m nothing.

I put the envelopes on the fold out table in the apartment to look over later, but one letter caught my eye. It was a screaming neon yellow envelope with my name on it, from Jacoby!

“Hey guys, Jacoby’s sent me a letter! I hope everything’s alright with her.”

I opened up the envelope and began reading. As I read the letter, Frank asked “So what did she say? Is Jacoby okay?”

Mikey sat there and listened to what Frank and I said. He was quiet all night, except for the occasional comment.

“She sounds really happy. She says her and Danny are doing alright. And...well, she’s telling me about a decision she has to make. Jacoby says that either she’ll come here to Jersey and live with me, or...follow her dreams as a horse fanatic and...stay home.”

“Is she asking for your help on deciding?”

“No, but she knows what I’d say. I would tell her to pursue her dreams and stay where she is. I would reassure her that I’m doing fine here, even if I miss her terribly.”

“Is going back home a choice for you?”

“Not really. Aside from all my teachers in high school thinking I’m a total failure, no home to go back to, and my parents ultimately disappointed in me, there’s nothing there for me. Other than Jacoby and Danny, of course.”

“Did she say anything else?”

I looked over Jacoby’s words again and replied “She said she’s afraid of burnout if she does stay. But she’s doesn’t want to leave me here. I’m going to call her and just...tell her about my situation up here. I’ll assure her I’m getting better at wanting to live and being happy, and then she’ll have nothing to worry about.”

Some days I wonder why the hell I keep going on. Other days I feel nothing. And there are those few moments when I feel...content. Almost like right now, with Mikey and Frank with me. I’m trying to convince myself that things will get better in time, but I’m not an optimist. I’m a pessimist.

There was an awkward silence as I grabbed the phone and began dialing Jacoby’s number. There were three rings before someone picked up.

“Hello?”

It was Jacoby’s voice. I’m surprised she picked up at all, it was so late at night.

“Hi, Jackie. It’s Dahlia.”