Jealousy

I stared at the black board, thinking of something else.

I wasn’t listening to the teacher. I tried to but it gave me too much pressure. It somehow…made me nervous. I feared I might get caught. I preferred a pure and spotless record. I wanted to pay attention to class, but I couldn’t help to space out, drifting away.

I couldn’t focus on anything.

There was something on my mind that had been bothering me since the beginning of the year term, which was about a few months ago. This thing was something I couldn’t ignore, even if I attempted to, even I had been pretending to.

I was jealous.

Jealous… I shuddered at the sound of the word.

This unpleasant feeling gave me the creeps. I was a prideful person. I would never admit I was jealous. Not to my friends, my family, not even to myself. Well, my subconscious self might, but not me. I knew this feeling that disgusted me to no end was genuine, not simply an illusion. I hated myself for having this feeling. I understood it was only human to be envious, yet it didn’t change the fact I loathed it. Whenever I had this feeling, I felt filthy, dirtier than a street rat in a sewage or rubbish bin. No matter how I disliked it, it kept reappearing. As if it was inevitable.

The cause was my best friend, Eric

In this school, students were seated in pairs. Everyone chose to sit with their friends, including me. On the first day of school, I pulled Eric, my BFF (Best Friends Forever) to the seat next to me before anybody could object. Eric was a popular guy. I believed everyone wanted to sit with him. He was popular because he was a regular in soccer team and he was also a handsome young man. He had short sandy blond hair, emerald eyes, fair skin and muscular body, fitting his sporty personality. Unlike the other jocks in my school (or at least my class), he wasn’t a flirt, he didn’t date any preppy cheerleaders either. Heck, he never had a girlfriend before (neither had I. Well, I never had a boyfriend). When I was younger, I wondered would he ever find his true love.

Eric and I had known each other in elementary school. We became the best of friends when we were freshmen in junior high. And now, in the second year in senior high, our friendship had strengthened over the years. We were almost inseparable, like a couple. Hence, a rumor about me and Eric are lovers was spread. The ridiculous rumor didn’t annoy me or Eric at all as it was supposed to be, (I suspected that some of the people who wanted his reputation ruined started it.) Maybe it was due to our ‘It’s-nonsense-so-whatever’ attitude, which was also a trail that attracted our admirers and haters.

That day I was so certain that we could spend our year term together as seatmates. I had failed to do that for the past four years.

Unfortunately, I was wrong again.

The teacher decided to appoint Eric as the seatmate of a new transfer student. (The new seat was a row beside mine)Her name was Selena Campbell. She was a very beautiful person. Tons of boys in my class had already fallen head-over-heels for her. It must be love at first sight. I knew Eric was an exception. He wasn’t a shallow guy like the rest. Sure, he cared for outer beauty, he cared for inner beauty more. Even though I was his BFF, I didn’t comprehend what kind of girl he favored. I guessed it would probably be someone who was good-looking, and gentle, smart too. If this was his standard, Selena was ideal for him. No, she was above the standard, beyond perfect.

Selena was a petite female. Her golden locks were thin and long, like angel’s hair. It flowed down freely, reaching her lower back, azure orbs shinning like diamond stars, her heart-shaped face was peach color, small cherry lips usually cured into a smile. She was a flawless painting, a delicate sculpture. She looked so fragile and breakable, like glass. It made people had a sudden urge to protect her, shield her from the world. Who could blame them? She was just that loveable.

Eric introduced me to Selena soon, we became friends. It wasn’t anything special. She befriended everyone, consisting of senior, junior and freshmen. She was kind and caring, earning her the title of ‘one of the most popular and wanted student in school’, Eric was one too. They deserved each other. I hoped I was right about it. I had never seen anyone so similar to someone else. I was happy for Eric then. I wished for the best and gave them my blessings.

But that didn’t last long.

I made friends with my seatmate---Cindy Seeger, an energetic brunette. She was loud, and she liked singing. We talked in class, seldom though. She was the childhood friends with the twins in front of us, Rebecca and Richard Gray. They shared identical appearance, minus their hair length. They too were brunette like Cindy, with hazel eyes. Although their looks were pretty much equivalent, they had total different personality. Rebecca was a shy girl while Richard was an hyper boy. The three of them were best buddies. I always felt like an intruder. They tried to include me in their conversations, but either I wasn’t interested in it, or my answers were too short to continue the conversation. (For example: ‘Do you like this dress?’ ‘…Not really.’ ‘Have you had your lunch yet?’ ‘Yes.’) I was a bit sad. I felt like a wallflower, but it was my fault. They had tried. I was the one who gave up. I appreciated their effort.

It’s alright, I told myself. I still have Eric.

That was my belief…until one day, it changed my mind.

As usual, I was daydreaming in class while the teacher continued her boring speech. For some reason, I wanted to talk to Eric. I didn’t know why, I merely wanted to. I turned my head, wanting to chat with him.

‘Hey, Eric---’ I stopped in the middle of the sentence, shocked by what I had seen.

Eric and Selena were chatting excitedly, laughing.

At that moment, I thought my heart was punched by something, hard. It wasn’t painful but it was a very uncomfortable feeling. It was also pumping harder than it normally was. Jealousy, I concluded, yet, I refused to acknowledge this. I felt sadness and sorrow too.

In all the years I had spent with Eric, he had never laughed that much. When I had met him in primary school, he was a quiet, anti-social boy. He didn’t have many friends. I was the first to reach out to him. I made him opened up, I made him talked. I transformed him into the popular student. Starting from high school, he was busy 24/7, surrounded by fans, meetings with members and teachers, etc. However, he strived to spare time for me. We would discus in class, gossip after school, watch TV drama or movies at weekends. I was the main person he would talk to. It was one of the best things that happened in my life so far.

But now, things had changed. Ever since Selena came into our lives, it wasn’t the same any more. I thought I was some-what the center of his life, or at least I was someone who was most important to him (he was mine, no doubt about it), his friend, his adviser, his comforter, his listener. Suddenly, it wasn’t me any longer. It was Selena Campbell. Neither Eric nor Selena noticed it, yet it didn’t equal it wasn’t real.

Replaced…

The hollow feeling of loneness lingered within me.

Alone…

With each passing day, I felt more and more invisible.

Sadness…

I thought he was filling my heart, never guessed he was digging a deeper one.

Jealousy…

Why?... How could Selena gained something that I had used years and patience to build?

It wasn’t fair…

I cleared my head and throat. ‘Um...Eric?’

‘Yeah?’ he answered nonchalantly.

‘So…’ I stuttered, losing my confidence. ‘There's going to be a quiz later, right?’

‘Yes, math quiz, chapter eight.’ He nodded. Although it was weird, considering I was forgetful, it was normal for us. He didn’t elaborate more. Instead, he resumed his conversation with Selena. Chuckles and giggles could be heard.

I was hurt.

The irritating sensation stayed in my chest. I wanted to cry, yet my eyes remained dry. I continued to smile, to talk as ordinary, while I was bleeding inside. I was still breathing, living. Nothing was wrong, life was the same. It just…missed one significant person to me… Let me rephrased that. I was becoming less meaningful to one of my most important one. I didn’t try to make new friends. I had to get used to solitude, sooner or later. I had to be independent. You might think I was over doing it. Whatever…All that mattered was it made sense to me. I wasn’t a sociable human being. I didn’t love crowds, and I would choose silence over noise any time.

Bring!!!

Whenever I was drowning in my own world, time seemed to pass quicker, it flied. I was in daze as the loud bell kept on screaming. Student streamed out of the classroom. I didn’t notice there was somebody in front of me till he knocked on my desk.

‘On cloud nine again?’ Eric teased.

‘Yeah…’ I replied absentmindedly, looking at the person next to Eric, Selena.

‘Hello!’ She greeted me politely.

‘Hi,’ I faked a smile.

‘Ha! You can’t fool your best friend, me! I can read you like a book!’ Eric smirked proudly, pointing at himself.

‘Of course, Eric. Of course…’ I lied.

I yearned to tell him how incorrect he was, how jealous I was, how painful my heart was. ‘You understood everything about me in old days, but nothing right now.’ I suppressed this desire, seeing that Selena was here. It wouldn’t make a difference though. I would have kept my mouth shut, for the sake of our friendship. I didn’t want him think that I was an over-protective, possessive, obsessed dimwit.

‘Are you ready?’ He asked. We would walk to home together before Selena was here.

‘Um…I have something to do, you can go without me.’ I hesitated, finally deciding that it was a bad idea to walk home with them. The atmosphere would be awkward. I would be excluded from their little world. I didn’t care and knew nothing about their common interest. I was a stranger to them, a blockage between them. Therefore, it wasn’t necessary for me to be present. In fact, I wasn’t needed. It would be better if I wasn’t there. They might want to be alone anyway. I would create an opportunity for them.

‘Well then, bye!’ Shrugging, he strolled out of the room, pulling Selena along with him.

Looking at their retreating figures, I could imagined them walking out together like a couple, with their fingers intertwined, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ear, planting kisses on cheeks and lips. They were meant to be. I couldn’t, shouldn’t, and wouldn’t stop them. Even if that indicated I would become wounded inside.

Packing my books, I left the classroom as well---the place where everything began, and ended.