Moving On Up

Nick POV

The beach was deserted, with nothing and no one in sight. I was alone. The only sound was of the waves brushing the shoreline only to leave once again. I stood and brushed the sand from beneath me and slowly walked along the beach, having no plan of where I was going. My feet slowly sank into the sand as I walked, leaving a defined trail behind me. Looking around once more, I noticed that I really was alone. It was a common feeling these days. I’d learnt to live with loneliness.

The sun above was blinding my vision but I saw a flash of white in the far distance. The more I looked, the more I noticed a figure beneath the white. I stopped and waited for my vision to readjust, to show that I was hallucinating. But I wasn’t. It was a woman.

I remained in the same position, watching as the woman ran closer.

“Charlene.” I whispered. “Charlene!”

I stumbled forward and began to sprint towards her. Her eyes were big and beautiful, her smile wide and inviting.

“Nick!”

My breathing began to get heavy and ragged as I got closer, my heart beating outside of my chest. I almost had her.

She jumped into my arms, my grip pressing her into my chest. Her arms were wrapped tightly around my neck as I set her down on her feet and stared into her beautiful eyes.

“You’re here.” I whispered, stroking her cheeks softly, scared that if I touched her she would vanish.

She smiled and brought her hand up to my hair, her fingers tangling in my curls. I had missed that feeling deeply.

“I love you.” She said quietly.

My eyes widened and I froze at her words. I cupped her face with both of my palms and rested my forehead on hers.

“Say it again.” I whimpered.

“I love you.”

“And again.” I cried as tears slipped from my eyes.

“I love you. I always have and I always will.”

I let out a sob and began to shake. She touched my chin and brought my gaze up to meet hers which was loving and full of reassurance.

“Its ok baby, its ok. Everything going to be ok. I love you so much.”

My eyes flickered down to her lips and then back to her eyes as I slowly moved in to kiss her. I tightened my grip on her cheeks as my lips almost touched hers. Just as I thought I had reached her lips, she must have moved back since I didn’t feel anything. I opened my eyes and instead of seeing her passionate eyes, I saw the empty beach. My hands were grasping onto nothing but air. I turned around and nothing was there but my footprints. I looked ahead and no footprints were there, leaving no sign of Charlene ever have being there.

“But I love you.” I whispered, more tears falling and polluting the clear and beautiful ocean. “I love you Charlene.”

…

The next morning I was still recovering from my dream. Ever since I had seen Charlene again she was all my dreams revolved around. Before that, I never had real dreams. I just saw darkness when I slept since my heart wasn’t hopeful enough for Charlene to feature in my sleep. I’d always prayed she would be in my dreams, so I could at least experience being with her even when if I was unconscious, but until recently she never was.

I poured myself a mug of coffee and sighed as I stood and stared out of the large windows overlooking New York. Her flight back to England was today and I didn’t know if I would ever see her again. Imagine knowing you could never see your soul mate, your true love. Imagine knowing they are happy with someone else to whom you could never compare. Imagine knowing they are the only thing that can bring you happiness, yet you will never have them. And imagine that the reason you don’t have this person, is because of your own actions, your own mistakes which cost you everything.

There was a knock at the door which broke me from my dangerously deep thoughts. I set my coffee on the counter and walked over to the door, only wanting to see one person on the other side, but I knew she would never be there.

It was John from the floor below.

“Hey buddy, your mail was addressed to my apartment so I just thought I’d do the honours.” He chuckled, handing over some letters.

“Oh, thanks.” I gave him a weak smile and shut the door, discarding the mail and walking back to the kitchen. Just as I was about to take a sip of my coffee the door went again. “For petes sake.” I mumbled, walking back down the corridor, not in the mood for whoever was on the other side.

“Yes?” I asked as I swung the door open. My breath instantly caught in my throat and I let out a loud cough, almost like a bark.

“Oh my gosh, are you ok?” She stepped forward and hit my back as I tried to clear my throat. As my coughing slowed her hand remained on my back and her eyes were filled with concern. “Are you ok?”

I nodded and straightened up, looking at her in disbelief. “Charlene, what are you doing here?” I asked softly. She looked at me and must have seen something I didn’t realise I was doing.

“Oh, urm, I’m sorry. You’re right, it was rude of me to come here without calling first. I’ll just, err, I’m…bye.”

She turned quickly and tried to head to the lift. “Wait.” I stepped forward and grabbed her arm, perhaps a little too tightly.

“Oww!” She laughed, hitting my hand away. “You must be a killer on the football pitch.” She chuckled as she rubbed her arm.

“Don’t leave. I don’t want you to leave. I’m just…surprised, that’s all.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be an inconvenience.”

I let out a soft breath and stared down at the woman I loved with everything in me, so much that it hurt. “You’ll never be an inconvenience Charlene.”

She looked at me for a long time without saying anything, though I was desperate to know what was going on in her mind.

“So long as you’re sure.”

“I’m sure, now let’s go inside.” I smiled, bowing down to her. “After you my lady.”

She laughed and walked ahead. “You’ve always been a bit of a loser.” She grinned.

“Bit of? I recall you calling me all sorts of stuff back in the day.” I laughed.

“All with good humour.”

I walked with her into the kitchen and offered her a fresh mug of coffee whilst I finished my own. We walked into the living room and sat on the same couch, watching the city below.

“Isn’t your flight today?”

“Yeah it is; good memory.” She smiled. “It’s in about 5 hour’s time.”

“Shouldn’t you be packing?”

“I’m already done. Mark’s finishing up and I said I wanted to go out for a bit.”

“Does he, does he know you’re here?” She didn’t answer. “Charlene?”

“No. He doesn’t know about our history.”

“So what, you’re embarrassed?” I tried to hide the hurt on my features but clearly didn’t do a good job since she instantly tried to recover.

“Oh no no no. Nick, no girl could ever be embarrassed of dating you.”

“Is that all you think we did? Date each other? I would have considered it much more than that; much more.”

“Nick, you’re looking into my words too much. We both know our relationship went above and beyond ‘dating’. But that doesn’t help the situation. If Mark knew we had dated, that would make this all very awkward. But if he knew the extent to which we were together; big no no.”

“I guess.” I sighed.

“Have you told Katie?”

“Nope.”

She scoffed and hit my chest whilst laughing. “And here you are sending me on a huge guilt trip. Foul play Mr Jonas.” I laughed and took her quickly into my chest as we both continued to laugh. “You’re such a cheater.”

“I am not!” My stomach began to hurt as I continued to laugh and hold Charlene tightly against me. Almost at the exact same point, we stopped and realised the position we were in, my arms tightly around her as she was snuggled against me. She looked up at me with so many emotions in her eyes.

“Why did you come here today Charlene?” I whispered, placing a hand on her cheek.

“Because I wanted to see you. You’ve changed a lot since high school, but I can still see my Nicky in you and I miss him. I miss the Nick that was always happy, always so lively and warm. Everyone misses him.”

“Well we both know why that Nick went away. That Nick was in love and ready to spend the rest of his life with his soul mate. This Nick;” I let out a deep breath and much to my dismay, my voiced cracked as I spoke, “this Nick is lonely.”

I watched as tears gently rolled down her cheeks. “That’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.” She whispered. She looked back up at me and gulped. She slid out from my grip and stood, holding her hand out for me. I took it and she instantly took me into her arms, stroking my hair as tears fell from both of our eyes. We were both usually very unemotional people, but together we were a disaster. We stood embracing each other for a long time but I had a little voice in the back of my mind, saying I should tell her, that I should show her.

“I want to show you something.” I sniffled, intertwining my fingers with hers and leading her to the kitchen. I opened one of the cupboards and took out lots of little bottles, every single one of them.

“What is all this stuff?”

I stayed quiet until I had put them all on the counter. She stepped forward and looked at each of the bottles. “Antidepressants? Insomnia? Anxiety?” She took a breath and looked into my eyes, begging me to explain. “Nick?”

“I have to take every single one of these tablets twice a day.” She covered her mouth and shook her head as she stared at all of the bottles. “I’ve had to take them for just over four years now. This is Nick, not your Nicky. I’m a monster.”

“No!” She yelled and I jumped backwards, surprised at her reaction. “You can’t be taking all of these! You can’t!” She sobbed as her body was struggling to cope with all of her emotions.

“This is Nick.”

“No, this is not Nick! You are the same person, the same Nicky I fell in love with in high school!”

“I am not the same person Charlene, just accept it! The person you fell in love with does not exist anymore!”

“Don’t say that or God help me I will hit you with a freaking frying pan to knock some sense into you.” She growled. Her eyes widened as she looked at me and she turned away. Her arms were brought into her chest, her hands covering her faces as she cried. I warily walked closer and placed my hand on her shoulder, slowly turning her around to face me.

“You are the same person.” She cried. I brought her into my chest and slowly rocked back and forth to calm her and myself.

“I’m not, Charlene.” I whispered.

“You are, you’ve just gone down a long, dark road and need help getting out of it. I’ll help you, I’ll get you help.”

“This is the result of all the ‘help’.” I motioned to the pills. I looked down into her eyes and could feel my own welling up again. She placed her hands on my cheeks and pulled my face down to rest our foreheads together; just like the dream.

“I don’t want to lose you again Charlene.”

“You won’t. I’ll always be there for you Nick. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

“But I’m too far gone.” Our eyes locked and the pure passion passing between us was so strong.

“You’re not. You’re still my Nicky and you always will be.”

“Then-” I looked down and shook my head. “Never mind.”

“No, go ahead.” She smiled and stroked my cheeks.

“If I’m still your Nicky…then why don’t you love me?”

…

Charlene POV

Two weeks on and that conversation was still ringing in my ears. My inability to answer his question was playing heavily on my heart.

“I do still love you.”

“But you don’t love me like you used to do you?”

I had stayed quiet.

“Charlene, believe me I hit rock bottom a long time ago, nothing you say can hurt me.”

“Everything is different now Nick.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

I had looked into his eyes which gave away no sign of how he was feeling which didn’t help me at all. “Then I guess I can’t answer your question.”

And I couldn’t. I was in love with Mark; he was the main man in my life, not Nick. Mark made me feel safe and loved, and our relationship had a hell of a lot less bumps than my relationship with Nick did. I could breathe when I was with Mark, and not fear what could be right around the corner.

It was a rainy January evening and I had just got home from a late lecture and was shattered. I smiled as I slipped into Marks baggy shirt that I always wore to bed and teamed it with loose sweats to keep me warm. The phone rang and I grinned when I saw Mark’s number.

“Hey baby.” I said cheerfully.

“Hey sweetie, how was your day?”

“Ok, I’ve just got back from my lecture. How was your day? Are you coming home soon?”

“Busy to say the least. Yeah, I’ve managed to snake my way out of going to another meeting so I’m just leaving now. I was ringing to ask if you wanted me to pick up a takeaway or something.”

“Yes, yes, yes. I’m craving Chinese food.” I found myself jumping on the spot for some reason. I must have been more deprived than I thought.

“Ok.” He laughed. “I’ll be home in about half an hour. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I hung up and stared at the phone, smiling at the thought of Mark. He was perfect. A no drama relationship was heaven.

As I was watching TV I noticed the rain had gone from soft to violent within minutes and I had to check Lola was ok. When Mark had said she was a bitch to most people, he was right. The mailman kept a good distance from our house. But Lola seemed to love me and for some odd reason I felt honoured, which is pathetic I know.

“Lola?” I called. I looked outside and saw her little head poking out of the kennel, too scared to make the run inside. I opened the door and squatted, calling her name. She looked at me and whined. I threw on Marks jacket and ran outside, scooping the tiny dog under the jacket and legging it back inside. I placed his jacket over the heater to dry and picked Lola up again who showed her thanks by licking my face all over.

“There are my girls.” I looked to see Mark standing in the living room and smiling at us both. Lola went crazy and I set her down, grinning as she sprinted for her daddy. I walked over to him and he placed a kiss on my lips before placing Lola on the ground and wrapping both arms around me.

“I love you.” He grinned, brushing his nose against mine.

“I love you too.” I pressed my lips to his and then pulled back, holding my finger to his soft lips. “You taste of prawn crackers. You ate some in the car didn’t you?” I laughed.

“Maybe.” He chuckled and kissed my nose. “Hey, that’s not for you.” He said as Lola started sniffing around the bag full of Chinese. He picked up the bag and walked into the kitchen with me under his arm as I snuggled close to him. I sat on the counter as I watched him take out all of the food and tell me about his day. My mind wandered to marriage. I kept thinking, when would he propose? How would he propose?

Looking around at this house, at Mark, at Lola. It would be the dream life. We had fit into each others lives perfectly and just the thought of making it official by becoming man and wife made me giddy with excitement.

I laughed as Lola was below me trying to jump up onto the counter. No chance, she was tiny. I stepped down and picked her up; holding her close to me and feeling myself relax as she nested into my chest. It was still amusing that such a manly man had such a tiny, cute dog, but that just made me love him even more.

We spent the evening snuggling up on the couch with the chinese on the coffee table, watching ‘Friday Night with Jonathan Ross’ and feeling utter calmness.

“Did I tell you the New York Giants are coming over here for a few months?”

Calmness broken.

“No.”

“Oh, well when their season comes to an end, they’re coming over here for training, to get away from all the press in the States and to focus purely on the game.”

“When you say they, do you mean the whole team?”

“Yep. They’re all going to rent a places here since they’ll be here for so long.”

“In London right?”

“No, here in Oxford.” Oh shit. “The training ground for rugby is out of use since the season is done, so they’ll be there. Nick will be coming as well obviously, but not Katie, which I said you’d be gutted about.” Gutted…right.

“You spoke to him?”

He looked at me like I was crazy. “Babe, of course I spoke to him. He’s the top dog of the team; his opinion is just as important as their management.”

He brought me closer to him and lay his head on top of mine as we continued to watch TV. “Mark? Where’s Nick going to be staying?”

“Oh shoot that reminds me. I hope you don’t mind but I said Nick is more than welcome to stay here.”

I jerked my head from under his and glared at him “What?” I growled.

“It will only be for a few months and he’s really excited about staying with us.” I’ll bet he bloody is.

I stood from the couch and tried to shake off his grip. “Get off me.” I spat, yanking my hand from his.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked, standing and watching me leave the room. “Charlene!” He called and jogged through to the entrance just as I was going up the stairs. “Charlene.” He grabbed my hand and made me turn to look at him. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“Did you not for one second consider me in your lovely little arrangement? Maybe I don’t want someone I hardly know living with us for freaking months on end!” Ok, so maybe Nick wasn’t someone I ‘hardly knew’.

“Ok, I should have asked but-”

“Damn right you should have asked. You clearly don’t think I have a say in who comes and goes in this house since at the end of the day you own this property.”

“Don’t be like that and you know that’s not true.”

“No, Mark. You’re meant to ask me. We’re meant to discuss stuff like this. If this relationship is going anywhere, we should at least me able to talk to each other. How awkward do you think this is going to make me feel? You know what; I had might as well just move back in with my friends who actually value my opinion.”

“You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

“Stop speaking so bloody calmly! I am so angry with you right now.” Lola rounded the corner and started barking about all of the commotion. “Oh yeah, Lola’s going to be really pleased when another man comes into the house isn’t she?” I laughed coldly, knowing she would certainly be giving Nick a hard time. Lola ran up the stairs and started jumping, asking to be picked up and cuddled. I bent down and picked her up, before looking at Mark again. “Enjoy sleeping on the couch tonight.”