Moving On Up

“What?”

“I never wanted to hurt you. You must know that Mark, you must.”

“Charlene please just tell me what’s going on.” He said hoarsely, staring down at me as we remained cuddled up on our bed together, but worry and dread was welling in his eyes.

“I lied about Nick.”

He frowned and stared at me, wondering what the hell I was on about.

“We had met before you introduced us last year.”

“As in, briefly met or something?”

I shook my head in shame.

“Well...how well did you know each other?”

“We were together.”

I slowly looked up into his eyes which were full of confusion.

“You dated? When?”

“Five years ago during high school.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want it to be awkward between you two.”

He sighed but still held me tight, holding his lips to my hair though I could tell he still didn’t understand or was even beginning to comprehend what I was saying.

“How long did you date?”

“9 months.”

“Did you love each other?”

I looked away from him, feeling tears falling down my cheeks. “Answer me Charlene.”

“Yes.” I whispered. He froze and it seemed like his heart had stopped beating. After a short while he lifted me from his lap and moved over to the side of the bed, resting his feet on the floor and putting his head in his hands.

“Mark.” I said softly, placing my hand on his back but he jerked it straight off. “Please...say something; anything.”

“Do you still love him?”

“Yes, but I’m not in love with him. I love him as a friend and I’m worried about him because of his current condition. There is nothing more to it. I’m in love with you Mark; not him.”

“How serious was your relationship?”

“I told you, we loved each other...well as much as you can at 18 years old.”

“Charlene don’t bring your age into it. Love is love. Now I’m going to ask you again, how serious were you two?” He was breathing deeply and still had his back to me, his head in his hands.

“Serious.”

He laughed a cold and bitter laugh and shook his head. “Meaning?”

“We were engaged.”

Just like that the room fell dead. All that could be heard was his heavy breathing and my eyes were fixed on his heaving chest. I wanted to reach over and touch him but I was scared of what was going through his mind. He muttered some stuff to himself that I couldn’t quite make out.

“What?” I whispered.

“I said I can’t believe how much of a fool I’ve been!” He yelled, standing up and throwing stuff from the bedside table. “So what?! You’ve both been laughing behind my back?! I foolishly let him stay here and all along you two were cuddling up and taking me for an idiot!”

“No, Mark please, it isn’t like that.” I whimpered, standing up and running around to him, starting to panic. “We didn’t want to hurt you, that’s the last thing we wanted.”

“Then why didn’t one of you grow some bloody balls and tell me.” He growled.

“Because I didn’t want to lose you!” I cried. “I didn’t want you thinking that someone else held a special place in my heart when only you do! If I’d told you I have been engaged to Nick, you would have thrown him out regardless of how fragile he is right now!”

“Oh, so you think I’m some sort of a monster do you?! Sure, I would have been more wary but there is no way I would have thrown him out on his sorry little arse! If you’ve nothing to be ashamed of, why have you been so secretive about it?!”

“This is why! This right here! Us arguing over something that happened five years ago!”

He scoffed and shook his head in disgust, staring down at me. “So how did your little fairytale end Charlene? Was there someone in your past you happened to hide from Nick?” He lifted his eyebrow cockily, making me furious.

“You bastard.” I whispered. “You absolute bastard. He cheated on me. He cheated on me repeatedly with a girl who made me life absolute hell and I found out about it at my own bloody prom in front of hundreds of my classmates. There, is that what you wanted to hear?” I snarled and he just looked at me, his mind no doubt turning a million times a second.

“He broke my heart and I never thought anyone could fix it, but you did Mark. You were the first guy I had properly dated since Nick and I was scared of the effect you had on me. When I first met Nick I hated him; I hated him with a passion. But with you, I loved you from the very beginning and that scared me. I try to be perfect for you but it’s hard to compete with the perfection you hold. You are such an amazing person and I’ve been trying for over a year to convince both you and myself that I am worthy of you; but I’m not. I’ve got a shady past, I mean I was freaking engaged at 18 years old to someone who was playing me the whole time! I’m smart on paper but a naive fool in reality. I thought you could accept me for who I am; who I was, but you obviously can’t and I understand that. I just need to know one thing Mark; will I ever be good enough for you?”

He just looked at me, his eyes wide open, his whole world turning upside down in the space of 10 minutes. “Where the hell did all that come from?” He said quietly, feeling totally confused. He scratched the back of his neck and looked down, shaking his head gently from side to side. “I don’t want to fight with you Charlene. You’ve completely thrown me with everything you’ve come out with since I got home and I don’t know what to think or how to feel. Charlene; you may have your faults but so do I, we all do but you are perfect in my eyes and you should know that. I don’t want you to be anything but yourself. But I need to know who you are. The fact that you’ve got this whole past that I’m so oblivious to...it scares the shit out of me.”

“I’ll tell you everything, everything you want to know Mark. You deserve to know and I’m so so sorry for keeping this from you.” I stepped forward but he stepped back and I whimpered at his gesture, knowing things were far from right.

“I need your honesty now. Do you love me more now, than you ever did him?”

“Mark, don’t.” I whispered, tears falling quickly down my cheeks. “It’s not the same.”

“How isn’t it?”

“Nick was 5 years ago and we were together for less time than you and I have been. He was my first love. What I experienced with Nick was feelings I have never felt before. He introduced me to what love could feel like. But our love was rocky and never predictable. I can breathe with you Mark. I wake up every morning in your arms knowing its going to be a good day. With Nick I lived in fear of what was always around the corner; and believe me there was always shit waiting to pounce. I’m happier with you Mark and that won’t change regardless of his presence. If anything he’s pushed me towards you more because he’s always saying how amazing you are and how lucky I am and I know that. It’s you I want Mark; not him. I love you.”

His eyes softened and a soft smile lifted on his face. “I love you too.” He whispered, taking a step closer to me. He rested his forehead on mine and I breathed in sharply, wanting to reach out and hold him. This argument had made me realise more now than ever how much I loved Mark and longed to be with him. But his next word stopped my heart and it felt like my world came crashing down.

“Go.”

“What?” I sniffled, staring up at him.

“You need time to think everything over. I think you need some alone time; I know you need some alone time. I love you so much and I don’t want you getting so wrapped up in all of this. I also need some solo time to take all of this in.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” I whispered.

“No, no, no, no.” His eyes widened with surprise at my question. He shook his head quickly, cuddling me into his chest. “I love you Charlene. I’m doing what I think will be best for us. You lied to me and I never expected you to do that to me.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry Mark.”

“Ssh shh. If time apart is what we need to strengthen this relationship, then time apart we shall I have. I need this to workout; I can’t lose you.”

“Can I call you?”

He looked at me with sad eyes, tears now falling. “No.”

I sobbed and stepped out of his arms, not giving a shit about how bad I looked with mascara running down my face. I pulled a suitcase out from under the bed and dumped it on the bed, beginning to throw clothes in there.

“Let me help you.”

I pushed Marks hands away and took a deep breath as I walked into the bathroom to collect my essentials. Mark was standing by my bag when I returned, holding pictures of Jesse.

“I thought you’d want to take these.” He said quietly. I looked at the pictures and his shaking hands before nodding and watching him carefully place them in the bag. “What about this?” He held up my favourite picture of Mark and I which I was struggling to look at.

“You said I needed time to think. If you pack that picture I will spend all of my time staring at it and longing to be back with you.”

He stared at me, tears still falling even faster than before.

“What’s going to happen to Nick?” I asked, scared about what would happen whilst I was away.

“Don’t be frightened. I’m not a monster Charlene.”

“I know, I just don’t want either of you getting hurt.”

“We’ll talk.”

I accepted that was all he was going to give me and zipped up my bag and pulled it from the bed. Mark remained behind me as I walked out of the bedroom, stopping and staring at Nick’s door before continuing on.

Nick POV

Emptiness. Emptiness in my soul, in my heart. Charlene had thrown me off course. One minute we’d be kissing, the next she’s slamming the door in my face. If she didn’t feel anything for me she would have kicked me to the curb a long time ago. Was she leading me on? I didn’t know. But even if she was, if it meant I got to be close to her then I didn’t care how much she led me on. She was the only way I could experience life regardless of how pathetic that made me.

Charlene and Mark had been in their room for about an hour and I could sense that she had told him. It was silent and suddenly they were yelling and screaming at each other. I listened closely, unable to make out their words, but fearing for Charlene’s safety.

I heard their bedroom door open and footsteps stop outside my door. I wanted nothing more than for Charlene to come in and tell me she was choosing me; that she wanted to be with me. But she never did.

I continued to stare out of the window and frowned when I saw Charlene and Mark walking outside, he had a suitcase in his hands. She looked so distressed that I began to panic. What had he done to her? He loaded the suitcase and opened the door to the drivers seat for Charlene.

“Shit.”

I pushed myself off the window seat and ran. I ran as fast as I could through the house and flung open the front door, not giving a shit if I fell down in the snow.

“You bastard! She tells you the truth and you fucking kick her out?!”

“Nick.” Mark growled, holding his hand out to stop me coming close to them. “Don’t make a scene.”

“No, she does not deserve to be kicked out! Kick me out, I’m the asshole here!”

“Nick.” He growled again. “She is coming back. Charlene’s just taking some time out to think things over.” The look in his eyes was something I had never seen in Mark; a side I never knew existed. He was furious.

I looked over at Charlene who truly looked like a broken woman. We stared at each other and I wanted nothing more than for her to finally be happy. She looked the furthest thing from happy.

“Can I say goodbye?” I asked, looking at Mark. He looked at me long and hard before nodding and stepping away from her. I stepped forward and gulped as I looked down at her before bringing her into my chest. She clung onto my shirt, whimpering quietly.

“I’ll miss you.” She whispered so only I could hear. A tear fell down my cheek and I held her tighter, secretly pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I love you.” I told her quietly, again so Mark couldn’t hear. I stepped back and allowed Mark to stand by her again. They both looked at me, different emotions in their eyes. Marks were full of sadness and betrayal, telling me to go inside to give them privacy. Charlene’s were full of regret, but for what I didn’t know, telling me to go inside so I didn’t get hurt by watching them say their farewells.

I slowly turned and walked inside, walking swiftly to my room and feeling nothing; feeling like there was no emotion left inside me. I watched them from my bedroom; his cuddling of her as she cried and apologised. He held her tightly, tears pouring down his face. The worst part was, I could see how much they loved each other and it hurt me. It hurt like a bitch.

She pulled away from him and climbed into the car. Mark remained on the driveway as she drove away but couldn’t cope and turned and walked quickly inside before retiring to his room for the rest of the day. I could hear him close all of the blinds and switch the lights off and my heart went out to him. He’d been betrayed by two of the people that were closest to him. The love of his life had lied to him and I doubted he’d get over it.

Charlene sat in her car staring at the house and then her eyes were on mine. Whether or not she could see me, I mouthed ‘I love you’ and she simply stared and eventually mouthed ‘I know’ before giving the house one more look and driving away; taking Mark and I’s hearts with her.