Moving On Up

“Nick...I miss you.”

All I received was silence in return and I had to force myself away from the phone to check we were still connected.

“Nick?” I questioned quietly, doubt swamping my words.

“I miss you too. God, I miss you so much Charlene.”

A sigh of relief escaped my lips and it was only then I realised how fast my heart had been beating in anticipation of his response.

“Where are you?” He asked, not bothering to beat around the bush which was so typical of Nick. Without even contemplating hiding it from him; I just came right out and said it.

“Home.”

“Chicago?”

“Yeah.”

He let out a long and deep breath and I could just picture him running his hands through his hair, his eyes deep with emotion and thought.

“I’d do anything to be there right now.” He added and I knew there were lots of different meanings to this one line.

“How are things with you and Mark?”

“Have you spoken to him?”

Shit.

“Urm, well, he urr, his, his phone was switched off when I rang.” I was the worst liar ever and I doubted Nick believed me but he didn’t push it.

“Things are strained to say the least.”

“Are you still living in our house?”

Another deep sigh was heard through the line. “Yeah, but I’ve bought an amazing apartment on the other side of town which is already fully furnished, so day by day I’m taking all of my stuff over there. It’s happened amazingly fast but the landlord said it’s not large to be empty so he was desperate to get someone back in there. I can’t live here with you two anymore. I can’t look Mark in the eyes anymore. He’s been nothing but amazing and I’ve been an ass.”

A heavy tear trickled down my cheek and I tried to sniffle without Nick hearing and once more, I’m sure he heard but he just didn’t say anything.

“Do you regret it?”

“Regret what?” His tone was laced with genuine confusion and I wondered if he knew how much his ambiguous words were hurting me.

“Me.” I whispered.

“I don’t know.” He also whispered and I let out a quiet sob, unable to contain myself. “Baby, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

“How can I not cry Nick?! I’ve been put through hell because of all of this and now you’re telling me it didn’t even mean anything to you?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” His tone was hard and affirmative and I realised he too had been hurt just as much. “Knowing my selfish actions have caused you and Mark both so much pain is unbearable. I don’t regret loving you and wanting to be with you; but I do regret the way I went about it. I mean, if I hadn’t been so pushy you’d still be here and not on the other side of the atlantic. The house is so quiet without you here Charlene. Mark and I are lost. Mark just sits and stares out of the window for hours on end like there is nothing inside of him. We both need you and that’s what is so hard.”

“So when you do think you’ll be fully moved in?”

“Hopefully by tomorrow. It’s taken a week to sort out the place but its pretty much done now. When I first arrived in England I’d seen an advert for the apartment and even from that early on I was interested so it’s pretty much worked out perfectly. I wanted to wait for you to get back, rather than you coming back home and finding me up and gone. But now that I’ve spoken to you and know where we stand, I feel a bit better.”

“No!” Suddenly my mood had flipped and I was angry; no I was furious, at his brushing off of me and my feelings. Had he no clue of the emotional turmoil of which I was living? “We do not know where we stand; well I sure as hell don’t! You can’t simply brush me off Nick after all of the damage you have done.”

He laughed coldly and I knew his mood too had done a 360. “How typical everything always comes back to me. Charlene, it is your fault just as much as mine, if not more, that you are hurting. You have no idea how much pain I am in, but unlike you I am trying to make this right, rather than simply waiting for life to sort itself out because newsflash, life doesn’t work that way. What do you want Charlene? Huh? Do you just want me to sit and wait; watch you and Mark prove how much you love each other right in front of my face?! Do you expect me to simply sit around and wait for you to ever place me in favour again? Because Charlene, I’m done living that life. You know my feelings for you and don’t pretend you don’t. You know I want to be with you, but I would rather live alone and have nothing to do with you than forever live in the shadows of you and Marks love. You’ve chosen and I have to accept that.”

And that was when my heart shattered. He’d given up.

“And how do you know that Nick? How do you know what or who I’ve chosen? If I had chosen then I wouldn’t be in freaking America, trying to get my heart and head back together. If I’d chosen I would have been rid of you a long time ago and if I’d chosen, I wouldn’t be desperate and longing to have you here with me.”

“Yes but if...”

It had finally sunken in what I had said and all I could do was pray he’d react well to the news. I missed him.

“Is that true?”

“More than anything.” I whimpered softly, cursing my fragile emotions that could so easily be set off.

“I can’t.” He whispered.

“I know.” I too whispered, knowing nothing would ever happen to make this situation easier. At that point in time, happiness didn’t appear to be on the cards.

“Stay with me.” He said abruptly, throwing me completely off course.

“What? Where?”

“In my new apartment. Stay with me for a couple of days to just figure everything out. I want to help you Charlene; not make this harder.”

“But Mark wouldn’t allow-”

“I’m not suggesting you tell him. We need to talk Charlene, and we have to be alone and in the right mind set to do it; rather than forever worrying about whether or not Mark is about to storm in.”

He hadn’t given up; not yet. I was scared at how light my heart was beginning to feel at knowing this; the fact that Nick wasn’t about to ditch me made me frightfully happy.

“What have you been doing to cause this sudden turn around?”

I sighed and played with the ends of his shirt, wanting nothing more than for this pain in my heart to stop. It was becoming unbearable.

“I stumbled across my high school ‘memory box’. I found loads of things that just triggered my emotions. I was just watching a dvd of us at your house that night after our engagement when we were playing pictionary.”

Nick let out a genuine laugh and I smiled, gripping on to his shirt even tighter. “Where Joe proved to the world how ‘sensational’ his art is.” This time we both laughed and it felt amazing to feel happiness again, even if it was for only a few seconds. His laughter suddenly died and then that unsettled feeling formed again.

“Come home Charlene.”

“I am home.”

“Come back to England and me.”

We remained in silence for a few minutes as the double meaning of his words slowly sunk in. I wasn’t stupid; I knew he didn’t just mean to return to England. He wanted us to reconnect as lovers. He was done with the pointless running.

“Ok.” My voice was hushed and he asked me to repeat myself, though he must have known what my response would have been.

“Do you want me to book your flight for you?”

“No it’s fine...crap, I’ve left most of my credit cards back in England.”

“Can’t you just bring your flight forward?”

“I only bought a one way ticket. I didn’t know how long I’d need. God, I’m so stupid.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’ll book your tickets for tomorrow and email you through the details. Does that sound good?”

“Thank you so much Nick.” I stood and walked over to the window, staring outside at all of the snow that threatened to keep me from Nick. I didn’t care about how dangerous the runways were going to be; I was going back to England. I’d only been away for a week but was already feeling slightly better and sane which was new.

“You’re welcome but I was wondering if you could do me a favour.” He paused and waited for my response but when he didn’t get one, he continued. “Could you go and visit my mum? My dad’s on a business trip, Kevin and Joe obviously aren’t around and Frankie’s in France on a school trip. She’s just a little lonely and I know she really misses you. So would it be too much if-”

“I’d love to.”

I knew he was smiling which in turn led to a small smile of my own creeping onto my face. “Great. So, urm, I’ll book these tickets and then get back to you.”

“Ok, bye Nick.”

“Bye Charlene, say hello to your parents from me.”

“I will, thanks for everything Nick. Bye.” I went to hang up but waited to see if he would first, then my heart stopped as I heard him speak so quietly, so timid that he clearly thought I was no longer there.

“I love you.”

...

I knocked on the door, hoping Denise was in yet at the same time wanting to run away and not face her. My breath caught sharply in my throat when the door opened, revealing the woman who should have been my mother in law.

“Oh my gosh.” She whispered, staring at me as if she couldn’t quite believe her eyes.

“Hi Denise.” I spoke timidly, half expecting her to slam the door in my face for messing with her sons heart.

I watched in shock as her eyes filled and then collapsed with all of her tears. “Charlene my love.” She took a step forward and hugged me, rubbing my back comfortingly. “Please come in sweetheart.”

Taking my hand in hers, she left me inside to the warmth and I smiled as I saw a fire was already burning in the living room. Their house was still as amazing as it had always been.

“Remember your second home?” She chuckled, still leading the way through to the kitchen where she had just boiled the kettle.

“How could I forget? It’s just as welcoming as it always was. I’ve really missed this house.”

“Well the entire household has missed you!” She smiled widely, stopped in the middle of the kitchen and hugged me once more. “It’s good to see you again Charlene. You’re like a daughter to me.”

I smiled into her curly locks and could feel tears once again gathering in my eyes. Since when had I become such a nervous wreck?

“I’ve missed you Denise.”

“I’ve missed you too darling; we all have.” She stood back and smiled at me softly, walking over to the kettle and pouring out some coffee.

“Nicholas told me you were back here.”

“What else has he told you?”

Slowly she turned and looked at me with pitying eyes; she knew. “Everything.” We stared at each other before she broke the contact and cleared her throat, retrieving the mugs. “Let’s take this through to the living room shall we? It’s much warmer in there.”

Nodding, I again followed her lead and walked back through the house which I had fallen in love with over five years ago. Denise sat down on one of the couches and patted the space next to her. Just before I sat, I noticed some pictures on the mantel piece. Not being able to help myself, I walked over and was astonished at the changes in the boys.

“Wow, Frankie’s gotten tall. How old is he now?

“14. He’s in France on a trip at the moment.”

“Nick said.”

My eyes moved over to a picture of Nick holding up a New York Giants shirt with two men by his side. He was smiling but I could see right through it. The smile was for show. My Nicky didn’t smile like that.

“He’s not happy.” I turned and saw Denise who had said exactly what I was thinking. “He got signed to them only 7 months after you two ended and you can see he’s still reeling from it in this picture. Now this...” She reached over and picked up a picture and my heart leapt when I saw it. “...is a genuine smile.”

“I don’t remember that picture.”

My nose was nuzzled into Nicks neck and I was saying something that had caused Nick to laugh and have a huge smile on his lips. He looked so happy. We looked so happy.

“Now this is just me taking a guess, but I’m assuming you haven’t smiled like that recently either?”

“Not since all this drama began.”

“Come, lets sit and talk.” She pulled me from the picture but I grasped onto it and carried it with me over to the couch. She took my hands in hers and stared at me as I looked down, not having the guts to face her. “So...how have you been?”

“Denise, we both know that’s not why I’m here.”

She chuckled and nodded, squeezing my hands and bringing my gaze back to hers. “I”m sorry Nick has done this to you.” I raised an eyebrow in question. “He’s never stopped loving or wanting you Charlene. When he saw his opportunity to get close to you again he took it. He ended things with Katie as so-”

“Katie! Oh my gosh, I completely forgot about her!” I panicked, wanting to slap myself for being such a bitch. “Here I am being all self centered and having taken someones boyfriend from them! She loved him as well!” I cried, groaning as ran my hands down my face.

“Repeat that last line.”

“She loved him as well?”

“Exactly. It was a one sided relationship. We could all see that he didn’t enjoy being with her, it was simply because he thought it would make me happy that she was from a good christian family whose mother I got along with. He always treated her well but when you reappeared he just became a different person and seemed so withdrawn from her. She kept thinking something had happened to him since he never remained in contact with her. Nick broke things off with Katie shortly after you two met once again and it was made very clear that you are still the only one for him. Katie loved him, but she’s not his kind of girl at all because she’s not at all like you. Nick always says that he misses being put back in place.” She chuckled, knowing I had never put up with any crap from him. “As much as I like the girl, Katie is a ‘yes sir, no sir’ kind of girl and Nick hated that. She wasn’t you and he couldn’t cut it.”

“I can’t believe it.” I whispered. “I honestly thought Nick cared deeply for her.”

“To be honest sweetie, knowing my son, he was most likely just trying to make you jealous and get back at you for the pain your absence had caused him.”

“The pain I caused him? He’s the one who started all of this.” I scoffed.

“I know sweetie but that boy doesn’t always think before he does stuff. I think he was trying to prove he could move on...even though we all know he can’t. I know he did not intend for this whole mess to happen, what with Mark and everything, but you must know that he did not intend for all of this pain and hurting to be caused. He told me he wanted to spend some time with you to see if the connection was still there. You’d become almost like an illusion to him; with his love being so strong for a person that he was unsure existed anymore. He said that within a month if you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with him then he’d leave. But I guess even if you tried you couldn’t deny what you and Nick share.”

“I’ve tried Denise. I wanted nothing to with him. He broke my heart and I’m still in pain from it and that’s why I wanted to hate him. But I couldn’t. He was my first love. But Denise; I too am sorry. I’ve hurt your son so much and messed with his head probably beyond repair. I just need to figure things out myself but its hard to do that when he and Mark are so present in my thoughts. So, I’m so sorry for all of the pain I have caused your son; it was never my intention.”

“I know it wasn’t sweetie.”

I smiled weakly at her, so appreciative that she was such an understanding woman.

“I just want you to be happy; whether or not that be with Nick, I just want you to be happy. Sure, I’m biased seeing as Nick is my son, but I want you to happy and satisfied with whatever you choose to do. I’ve almost come to accept that you and Nick will never be together again and though that’s been hard for all of us to come to terms with, we all hope you two can at least remain friends. You clearly love Mark and I am happy you have found another man who loves you because you are truly an amazing person Charlene.”

Oh no, I could feel the water works coming as well as a confession I didn’t want to make but somehow I couldn’t stop myself. My mind was racing, telling me to keep my mouth shut but I couldn’t listen and before I could stop myself; “I love them both.” I whispered.

“Yes, but there’s a difference. You love Nick but you’re in love with Mark.”

“No.” I sobbed.

“No?”

“Denise,” I clasped onto her hand, my breathing ragged and sharp, my eyes wild and alive. “I’ve been too much of a coward to say this out loud or even admit it to myself until now.”

Her grip on my hand tightened and she moved closer to me, concern etching her features.

“I’m in love with Nick.”

She froze and stared at me and it seemed like time itself had stopped as there was no movement from her whatsoever. “You mean...”

“I’ve never stopped loving Nick. I don’t just love him, I’m in love with him and I don’t know what to do. I thought that if I simply ran from him I’d recover, but that was naïve and foolish. You can’t run from love.”

“Oh sweetheart.” She cried and pulled me closer, holding me tightly as I cried my heart out onto her shoulder. “It’s alright.” She calmed me, rubbing my back as I continued to sob and shake uncontrollably. It took a whole 20 minutes until my cries slowed to whimpers, my shaking gradually subsiding. She spoke softly into my ear as I clung to her, my eyes shut and trying to imagine a better time.

“Charlene, you know I’m biased, but I just want you to know that he would do anything for you. Almost five years on and you are still all he talks about, all he thinks about. You’re his world Charlene. The only way he knows how to survive is to hold onto the possibility of you loving him again and wanting to be with him.”

“And that’s what scares me, because I love him too! Just as I think I’ve gotten over him, he makes a grand entrance once more and sends me right back to square one. I haven’t even spoken to my should be fiancé.”

“What?” She pulled back and looked into my eyes, questioning my words.

“Mark was going to propose. I heard him speaking to my parents during our last visit here.”

“Does Nick know?”

“No. How does this make me look? Instead of calling the man that planned to marry me, I went and called-”

“The other man that planned to marry you.”

My mouth shut and I stared at her, wondering if she knew how many thoughts she’d just created in my mind.

“Charlene, tell me this; if Mark were to ask you to marry him now; what would your answer be?”

“Before I would have said yes. But now...I don’t know.” I whispered, disgusted at how quickly I had responded.

“And why’s that?”

I stared at her, at the picture in my hands and then back up at her, feeling my confidence come crashing back down to earth.

“I’m sorry Denise, but I have to go.” I whispered, knowing I was on the verge of yet another break down.

“Wait, Charlene.” She stood quickly, taking my arm in her grasp and turning me to face her. “I want you to know that I will always be here for you and so will the entire family; regardless of any future decisions you make. We all love and miss you Charlene.”

I smiled weakly, uttering out a quiet “thank you” because turning and heading for the front door, only then realising that I was still holding the picture of me and Nick which I then turned to hand to her.

“No.” She pushed the picture back. “Keep it. It gives you a reason to come back and return it in the future.”

I hugged her tightly, telling her thank you once more and feeling her hug me back just as tight.

“Look after yourself you hear.” She smiled.

“I will. You too Denise.”

I waved her goodbye as I turned and walked down their large driveway, looking at nothing but the picture in my hands, the picture that said more than words ever could. The picture that was breaking my heart.

...

As he’d promised, Nick had booked my flight for late the next day and he’d made it adamant that it was his call and that he’d refuse if I tried to pay him back. It must be nice to have so much money that you can just spend and spend and not think twice. Nice for some.

Walking over to the British Airways desk, I noticed that I was one of the only people I could see that was a lone traveller. The couple in front of me were clearly newly weds, not able to keep their hands off each other and feeling the need to show random strangers how much they loved each other.

“Hi.” I said softly, handing over my passport and ticket to the small woman on the other side of the desk.

“Dear you look absolutely shattered, this 10 hour flight is going to be the end of you.” She chuckled.

“I plan to sleep the whole 10 hours.” I smiled, placing my bag on the conveyer belt.

“Well I’m sure being in first class will help...a lot.” She laughed again. I frowned and leaned over slightly to peer at the ticket. “You don’t seem too happy about being in first class.” She laughed softly and I sighed, realising it was Nick’s doing. “Did you not book this ticket?”

“No my...friend; did.”

“Well I’d like to know where you get friends that generous.” She smiled, pressing a button which activated the conveyer belt and I watched as my bag left my sight.

“I hope you enjoy the flight and get your well needed sleep.” She said, handing over my passport and ticket with a smile on her face.

“Thank you very much; have a good day.” I replied, smiling and walking away to stock up on magazines and junk food which I had gone far too long without. I picked up the usuals; Elle, Vogue, Cosmopolitan, but I was stopped in my tracks when I saw a sports magazine with Nick on the front.

‘America’s golden boy’

I saw several people buy the obviously popular magazine and pulled down a copy for myself, staring at the picture of him. He was wearing nothing more than a pair of loose shorts and a black towel hanging over his shoulder, covering the left side of his chest. I quietly gasped as I saw how ridiculously toned he was. He had always had an amazing physique but since he’d grown and matured he had become almost God like.

“I’d tap that.” Some blonde bimbo giggled as she pointed at Nick and her equally as dizzy friend giggled and agreed.

“What crazy bitch wouldn’t?”

Just at that moment I felt my phone vibrating in my back pocket which I swiftly pulled out and wanted to laugh at the irony upon seeing it was Nick.

“Hey.” I said softly, seeing the girls still eyeing up Nick and flicking through the magazine.

“Hey, you at the airport now?”

“Yeah, thank you so much for arranging it all and Nick, first class, I mean seriously?”

“You’re welcome and Charlene you’ve been so stressed that you at least deserve this. Besides, its a bitch of a flight so you had might as well be comfortable.”

“Thank you so much Nick; it means a lot.” I spoke as I stared at the front of the magazine, not believing that he could be so amazing. Most men who had the opportunities Nick did would be absolutely assholes but to me Nick was nothing short of incredible.

“You deserve it. What’s all the squealing in the background?”

I shot a look at the same girls who were extremely noisy and kept commenting on every picture of Nick. The people around them were also reading the same magazine, mainly 20 or 30 something men, appreciating the content and interview and getting extremely peeved with the girls.

“Over excited teenage girls. Enough said.” I chuckled. “Was there a reason you were calling?”

“Just checking everything was still a green light. You should land at about midday English time so I’ll come and get you from the airport.”

“Oh no its fine, I was just going to get a taxi back.”

“Charlene, I will be there at the airport whether you like it or not.” He laughed.

“Fine.” I sighed dramatically and then laughed, taking all of my magazines including the one with Nick, and walking over to pay for them. “I guess I’ll see you in about 11 hours then.”

“Indeedy.”

I chuckled at the fact he was such a nerd yet was seen globally as the ultimate sex symbol, known for being very stern and hard but that wasn’t the Nick I knew.

“Ok, see you then, bye.” I smiled, hanging up my phone and fishing out some cash for my purchases. As I walked to my gate, I noticed so many people reading the magazine of Nick and I felt a weird sense of pride, knowing I knew a side to him no one ever would. The media hadn’t been able to dig into all of Nick’s past thankfully which saved him the pain of having to discuss his private life.

It wasn’t a moment too soon that I was finally on board and settled into my absolutely huge first class seat. I no longer pitied the celebrities who had to travel so much if this was how they did it. I’d brought Nick’s hoodie back with me which was just one of the many things I had come across whilst staying with my parents who were sad to see me go. I pulled the jumper out of my bag and slipped it on, snuggling into its warmth as I got comfortable.

As I waited for takeoff I took one last look at the picture I had taken from the Jonas household and had absolutely fallen in love with. Tracing my thumb over Nick’s smile, I felt a smile of my own form at how happy he looked which was something I had not seen in such a long time.

The lights of the cabin went down and I placed the picture back in the bag and cuddled into the huge duvet of my seat with a soft smile on my face, being claimed by sleep before we had even left the ground, and staying that way for the whole 10 hour flight; smile still in tact.

Drama, here I come.