Something New

I sat on my bed with my legs bent, allowing my laptop to rest on my thighs. The covers went up just below my knees to make sure the ancient computer didn’t over-heat.

This seemed to be the way I spent most of my time recently, sitting in the middle of my bed, propped up on pillows leaning against the wall. My iPod always next to me, my headphone wires streaming from the audio jack on the bottom on the small orange device into my ears, constantly providing me with music, almost like an I.V. in a hospital supplying a patient with blood, or morphine.

I have no one to blame but myself for my current standard of life. I pushed away most of the friends I once had and I did the same to my family, I was just like a broken chair that sat in the corner of a room for some reason. Only there because whoever made the decisions about the goings-on in the room was too lazy to dispose of it, of me, so instead just shoved it in the corner; only being acknowledged for the fact that it was broken and useless.

I guess you could fix the chair if you really wanted too, but it was cheap, obviously poorly made, it would just be easier to buy a new one and toss that one out on the curb come garbage day.

I don’t really miss the ‘old me’ because, quite honestly it wasn’t me at all. To be completely honest I’m not even sure who I am anymore, I’m not convinced I ever did. I used to be happy, I was a normal little girl, I played with Barbies and Polly pockets and dressed up as a princess and danced around as if wherever I was, was my kingdom. Looking back on it now, I was more interested in vampires than fairy-tales and death than prince charming. I just acted that way because it was what my family had pressured me to do without me realizing it.

Of course my childhood is part of my past, a seemingly distant, past. Currently my life is boring, dull and frankly, rather lifeless. My existence consists mainly of being cooped up in my bedroom, only coming out for the rare social thing, like hanging out with the few people that I might call a friend, or school and what not. I’d come out for meals, semi-regularly and obviously to bathe and stuff. I’m not sure where this habit started, and I don’t think it matters.

At school I’m just some loner kid, you wouldn’t know by looking at me, or my ‘friends’. I use the term ‘friends’ loosely, to everyone around me they’re my friends, to me most of them are almost like props, part of the daily masquerade. I talk to them, I spend all the free time at school I get with them, we talk and joke, and laugh. I must say that the part I play is convincing. Every smile is faked and every laugh is almost calculated, I know when to feign interest and I know when to say certain things as to not arouse suspicions.

Of course I have two people I’m close with, one of them, Blake, my relationship with her is almost convenient. We’ve been friends since the first grade, we’re the typical best-friends scenario, the gossip, giggling and shared secrets. I never tell her more than I have too, and most of our conversations seem generally superficial in the grand scheme of things. It makes it easy only sharing vital information, most of the other things are lies.

I mean I care, I genuinely care about her, she’s the closest thing to family I have; but if life has taught me anything it’s not to trust people. It’s just she’s not at the same level I am. If life went her way she’d live in a fairy-tale, the ones of my childhood, and now my nightmares.

The there’s my other friend; Chelsea she’s not there for convenience. I’ve almost had to fight to stay connected with her. We’ve only been friends a few years, and there have been many times I’ve questioned her motives, not sure if she was there as a friend or if she had found a way to use me somehow and was seizing the opportunity.

I worry about her sometimes, the choices she’s made, but it’s her life and her actions will result in her consequences, I just don’t want to wake up one day and find out she’s dead, that would be a true living nightmare.

As far as I can tell she ‘gets me’ the best out of anyone I talk to she knows that life it’s all sunshine and rainbows, as matter of fact it rarely is.

She’s probably the person I trust the most, and I’m not sure why. I don’t even know if she actually trusts me or not, but it doesn’t seem to matter much. Most of the time we talk about real problems, real life. She’s the one I talk to about serious things not, boys and cute rock stars. I’ll admit we do talk about attractive musicians a bit, and even guys on occasion, really I think we talk about just about everything, but usually the more pessimistic parts of life. Some of my fondest memories are just random things I’ve done with her, like mini-golf and stupid things we talked about at three a.m.

Then they’re my other ‘friends’ the ones that are actually friends with Blake, oddly enough introduced to us by Chelsea. I mean they’re nice and all, but Cara comes off as fake a lot of the time, the things she says sound so insincere and generic like you could replace you’re name with anyone’s and it would have the same emotion. She says things that I find hard to believe, Also I find it hard to believe that her and Blake have practically completely pushed away Chelsea. The only reason why she’s gone completely is because she got tired of it and left, or at least that’s what she’s told me.

I’m not playing the innocent card in any of that. I’m not even denying my role in her departure. We used to argue a lot; usually over trivial things, that seem important at the time. I’ve even said some things behind her back, only to Blake and Cara, but still I did and she ended up finding out, as eventually everyone does, and she was, I’m assuming, hurt because of it. Of course there was a certain degree that Cara and Blake denied it, even though Chelsea had seen the conversation on Blake’s inbox and it had all of our names there.

I’ve actually felt really bad about that, especially since the message I sent directly before she read it was one saying that it wasn’t fair to her and that we should stop. Of course in that message it said nothing about telling her, or showing her the messages even, but it was immature to be even talking behind her back; especially since it wasn’t long before that I took on a ‘say it to my face’ mentality. Of course the easiest way to have gone about the situation would have been to simply ignore the messages that were sent to me, tell Blake and Cara that their actions were wrong, and possibly even shown them to Chelsea, but that wasn’t what happened in the slightest.

Other than the people aforementioned there was one other friend I had; Nathaniel, or Nate as he was called by everyone, or Natie as I used to refer to him. We’d been friends from about four years old, for the longest time he had been one of my only friends, then but the summer before we turned eleven I met Blake and we started to drift apart.

The events of the past year are, for the majority, ones that have shaped my life, and for the most part not in a good way. Between the breakups, the stupidity, and the back-stabbing, I’m not sure who to trust and in trusting Chelsea and even Blake I’m going on complete blind faith, hoping that I can at least trust Chelsea to keep the personal things I’ve told her to herself, and I hope she knows I’m doing the same.

If the things I’ve told Blake ever caught wind, the worse that would come is maybe slight embarrassment. Of course if Chelsea said anything it would probably only make things uncomfortable between Cara and I probably even Blake and I, and would possibly cause my mom to send me to a psychiatrist, of course ultimately my mother never would.

So now here I am sitting in my room, alone at quarter to five on a Tuesday morning, rain hitting my window softly, the only things I can see are the mass of trees and houses that appear as a strange black mass and the cobalt blue sky engulfing it.. The blinds are up so I can possibly catch the sunrise, for the first time in over 15 years. I’m contemplating the next few months, even the next year and how it too will, inevitably, shape my life, if it even lasts that much longer.

It’s five A.M. on a Tuesday morning; I’m going to miss the sunrise for another day since I’m slowly, finally, drifting off to sleep. With the bedside lamp now turned out, I can fully see the things outside, and the sky looks like a bluish grey color. I can’t help wonder what tomorrow brings, well technically it might be later today even.
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