I Dreamt Someone Would Love Me

I pulled the sheet over my head, trying to block out the lightening that was lighting my room from the outside.
A whimper escaped my lips as the loud boom of the thunder.
My eyes squeezed shut and I hummed to myself.

Images of John quickly fluttered before my eyes, of him smiling and signing and holding onto me.
Images of the past, when things were better than they are now.
Images that make me sick to my stomach, no matter how much they shouldn’t.

My eyes quickly opened as I looked around my room.
Every trace of him was gone, left when he did.
I didn’t want it anymore, he didn’t want it any less.
He promised that he loved me, but he was full of lies.

“Ava?” my younger brother questioned, opening my door “I can hear you whimpering,”
“I’m fine,” I answered, curling up in a ball. “Go back to your freaking room,”
He sighed “You don’t sound fine,”
“Kevin, get the hell out of my room!” I yelled, throwing a pillow at the door, missing by a foot at least.
“Whatever,” he slammed the door shut and left me alone in the storm.

Tears brimmed my eyes as I felt arms warp themselves around me.
My eyes opened up, I must’ve fallen asleep.
“Ava?” he questioned.
“John?” I gasped, turning around quickly to face him. “What are you doing here? I thought you were in LA!”
He smiled slightly at me “I missed you too much,” he whispered softly, his breath blowing on my face.
A smile crept onto my face as I pushed it into his chest, “I missed you too,”
His chuckle filled my ear as he traced small circles on my hip, “I’m sorry that I fought with you. And didn’t tell you that I was leaving,”
My hair bounced as I shook my head “It’s fine. You’re here now,” my lips pressed against his shoulder “I’m happy that you came back for me.”
John laughed a little “Of course I came back for you, I love you Y’know?”
I just grinned against his torso, “I love you too, Johno” my voice whispered.
His fingers brushed through my hair as he sighed next to my ear. “I’ve missed this, holding onto you,”
I pulled my head back so that I could look at him “You think that I didn’t miss it?”
He just grinned and kissed my forehead.

We spend hours just talking about old times, interrupting the stories to steal kisses from one another.
I stayed in his arms the whole time, just like everything used to be.
John would whisper that he loved me, and I would whisper it back.
His laugh would fill my room, and mine would follow in suit.
Kevin shouted at us to quiet down, but we only talked louder.
Not wanting this night to end.

He made love to me, as if nothing ever happened.
As if our fight had never occurred.
The way he touched me made everything in my world okay.
I never wanted it to end, I love the way that he makes me feel.

“I love you Ava,” he whispered, pulling me back into his arms, fingers tracing hearts on my bare back.
“I love you too, Johno,” I mumbled, placing my head onto his naked chest.
My lips grazed his chest, and my eyes dropped tiredly.
John’s other hand started to play with my arm, as he voice softly sang to me.
“Promise me that you’ll be here when I wake up,” I whispered, licking my lips.
“I promise.”
“Promise that you won’t leave me again,”
“I promise Ava. Anything you want.”
“Promise…promise that we won’t fight like that anymore.”
He chuckled quietly “I promise. Now go to sleep. I can hear how tired you are in your voice, my love,”
I nodded my head “You first,”
He laughed a little loudly, before he picked up where he was singing from before.
“Tell me that you love me, and it’ll alright,”
I dozed off to the sound of his voice of the song that he wrote a long time ago.
Sounds of familiar times.
The way that I always used to, knowing that he was there helping me fall into the best sleep that I’ve had since he left.

I felt a vibration against my shoulder and I rolled over to find my phone.
My clothes were a wrinkled mess as I pressed the end button to turn my alarm off.
“John?” I whispered, trying to find him in my room.
“Why are you calling for him?” Kevin asked walking into my room.
“Cause he was here last night!” I snapped, glaring at him.
“….No he wasn’t…” my brother replied slowly “It was just you and me. You were making some weird noises in your sleep though. I was pretty worried about you,”
My breathing became irregular as I fell back onto my bed.

He wasn’t here last night?
It was just a dream again?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?

“but, he was here. I remember. He told me that he missed me, that he loves me,”
“Ava, you must’ve been dreaming again. He’s out in LA still. You’re still….” he sighed “Broken up.”
I shook my head as tears rushed down my face “But, it felt so real this time Kevin,”
“You say that at least twice a week Ava, honestly now. Last night, you dreamt that he loved you.”
I bit my lip “But…he did love me,”
“Months ago, you were dreaming last night. Giving your self some more false hopes. More false alarms.”
I wiped at my eyes as I looked around the room. “Why does this keep happening?”
“Cause you still love him,”
“It’s so stupid,”
“I know, but… you gotta get ready for work,” he sighed, leaning against my doorframe.
I nodded my head.

“I know that you wish that he would come back. Damnit Ava!” he yelled after I didn’t move “He’s not going to. Stop getting your hopes up. My gosh, you’re harming yourself.”
“There’s no harm in dreaming,”
He shook his head. “Just, don’t beat yourself up over it anymore. He wasn’t that good anyway.”
I nodded my head, and got up off my bed with a sigh.

Last night, I dreamt that somebody would love me. no hope, no harm, just another false alarm.