How It Hurts in the Worst Way
001
I woke up to the faint sound of Vinnie yelling from downstairs. He quit being sympathetic about a month ago. He kept telling me that I needed to move on. That there was nothing I could do. That she wouldn't want me to be this way.
That she loved me.
I tried to believe him most of the time. But I just couldn't go a single minute without blaming myself. I couldn't take my mind off of her for a second. I couldn't believe that she was really gone.
I remember what happened. I remember everything. Every word that was said.
*********************
Three days and I couldn't help but think the worst. She told me she would call me three days ago.
Either she was avoiding me or something horrible had happened.
I honestly don't know which I preferred.
"Hey, this is Britney. I'm not here so leave a message."
I hung up the phone for the hundredth time and crashed my head back onto my pillow. It was amazing how fast I could crash when I'm without her. I laid like this, staring at the ceiling for what seemed like an hour and I couldn't help myself. I picked my phone back up and dialed the familiar number.
Ringgg.
Nothing.
Ringgg.
Nothing.
Ringgg.
"Jesse, stop calling here."
Someone had picked up, but it wasn't Britney. Her parents never liked me. I don't think I ever received an explanation as to why, but it was evident.
"Just tell me if she's OK. I haven't heard from her and I just need to know." I pleaded. I heard a deep sigh on the other end.
"She was in a car accident the day before yesterday. She died at the hospital last night." My mind immediately shut off and the phone slipped from my loose grip. I knew her mom would hang up as soon as she let the last word out so I ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I crawled into the bathtub and let the tears fall.
Fuck my pride.
That was about three months ago and it still plays in my brain like an old movie. I wasn't allowed at the funeral. I didn't even know where it was. I didn't get to say goodbye. I wasn't allowed to step anywhere near her house, so I was forced to accept the fact that I wouldn't be able to have anything that belonged to her.
I just couldn't accept that my Bee was gone.
That she loved me.
I tried to believe him most of the time. But I just couldn't go a single minute without blaming myself. I couldn't take my mind off of her for a second. I couldn't believe that she was really gone.
I remember what happened. I remember everything. Every word that was said.
*********************
Three days and I couldn't help but think the worst. She told me she would call me three days ago.
Either she was avoiding me or something horrible had happened.
I honestly don't know which I preferred.
"Hey, this is Britney. I'm not here so leave a message."
I hung up the phone for the hundredth time and crashed my head back onto my pillow. It was amazing how fast I could crash when I'm without her. I laid like this, staring at the ceiling for what seemed like an hour and I couldn't help myself. I picked my phone back up and dialed the familiar number.
Ringgg.
Nothing.
Ringgg.
Nothing.
Ringgg.
"Jesse, stop calling here."
Someone had picked up, but it wasn't Britney. Her parents never liked me. I don't think I ever received an explanation as to why, but it was evident.
"Just tell me if she's OK. I haven't heard from her and I just need to know." I pleaded. I heard a deep sigh on the other end.
"She was in a car accident the day before yesterday. She died at the hospital last night." My mind immediately shut off and the phone slipped from my loose grip. I knew her mom would hang up as soon as she let the last word out so I ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I crawled into the bathtub and let the tears fall.
Fuck my pride.
That was about three months ago and it still plays in my brain like an old movie. I wasn't allowed at the funeral. I didn't even know where it was. I didn't get to say goodbye. I wasn't allowed to step anywhere near her house, so I was forced to accept the fact that I wouldn't be able to have anything that belonged to her.
I just couldn't accept that my Bee was gone.