How It Hurts in the Worst Way
002
Vinnie finally got tired of yelling for me. I knew this because I could hear his heavy footsteps coming up the hardwood stairs. I listened intently and heard him get closer to my door. It flung open and he looked angry.
"I don't want to fight this morning so I am just here to tell you that you need to get up because you need to go visit you mother. She has been really upset that you seem to have forgotten to tell her you would not visit for a few months."
He's right. I had forgotten all about my sick mother. She had Alzheimer's and we had to put her in a home. I visited her every other week until I found out about Britney. Without any warning, I stopped going. I decided I had nothing better to do, so I crawled out of bed and got ready to tell my mom everything.
I don't know why I bothered, she would never remember the next day. Hell, she wouldn't remember the next hour. But I'm sure I would feel better if I talked about it with someone. She may not remember who Britney was, but I know she would listen.
I dragged myself to my car and left to go see the only family I had left. On the way there, all I could think about was her. All the times we spent together. All the nights she snuck in through my window because she got into a fight with her parents...about me of course. It was still hard to believe the three years I spent loving her could end so suddenly. I could already see myself turning into some pathetic man that, after 20 years, still imagines her walking through the front door like she used to.
The drive to the nursing home wasn't long. I continued wallowing in self-pity throughout the 10 minute drive and right up until I opened the building door. I shivered from the blast of cool air from inside as I stepped out of the warm summer day.
"Jesse! My Lord. We haven't seen you in a while." Lydia worked at the front desk. She was a middle-aged, fake blonde with a thick southern accent. Only slightly too sweet for her own good. Usually, I would kindly greet her back, but I couldn't find it in me to even try to fake kindness.
"Yeah, I know. But I'm here now, so is it cool if I just go in?"
"Oh, of course. Go ahead." She smiled and I just nodded and continued on my way.
I had forgotten to ask her where exactly my mother would be, so I decided to just check her room. Luckily for me, she was there. Her back was facing the door and she was looking at two birds singing outside of her window. I couldn't see her face, but I knew she was smiling. She always loved to listen to the birds.
"Mom? It's me, Jesse" I called to her. She slowly took her attention off of the song and turned my way.
"It's Jesse, mom" I repeated. She smiled. She got up off of the bed as fast as she could and walked over to me.
"Well, hello there." Then she pulled me into a hug. I sighed with relief. She remembered me today. "My son's name is Jesse, you know."
I clenched my eyelids closed in an attempt to hold back the tears that were starting to form. I guess this is what I get for not visiting anymore. "I know, Mom. It's me. I'm Jesse. Your son Jesse." She pulled away from me and looked at me deeply. After a few moments she started shaking her head. "No..no. I would remember my Jesse." I sighed with frustration and looked around the room. I saw a picture of me on her bedside table and I quickly walked to it. I picked it up and brought it back to her. I held it up to my face to show her.
"See Mom, it's me." She looked between the two of us as if she were trying to see the resemblance. All of a sudden, her eyes lit up and she looked back at me. She pulled me into an even tighter hug than before. "Oh Jesse! It is you."
A smile spread across my entire face. "How are you doing, Sweetie? You haven't come in a while." There wasn't a single bit of resentment in her voice and I suddenly didn't feel so guilty.
"Actually, a lot has happened since you last saw me. Let's sit down" She nodded and led us to her bed. We both sat down and she looked at me, her eyes telling me that she was ready.
"I don't know if you remember Britney.." She nodded her head.
"Of course I remember Britney!"
"Ok well, a few months ago, I found out...um...I found out th-that" I was having such a hard time saying it out loud. I felt my mom take my hands in hers and squeeze them gently. I closed my eyes but it didn't stop a tear from falling down my cheek. She wiped it away.
"She died, Mom." My eyes were still closed but I heard a small gasp. She leaned forward and pulled me into a tight hug. I let myself go and just cried into her shoulder. "Honey, I am so sorry."
"I miss her so much, Mom."
"I know, Sweetie. I know.." She continued to rub my back comfortingly. "Is that why you stopped coming?"
I nodded. "I can barely get out of bed anymore."
I spent the next few hours telling her about everything that had happened in the past few months and she just listened. I felt a lot better when I walked out of the building and back to my car. I looked at my reflection in the rear-view window and my eyes were red and puffy. I didn't want to go home and explain to Vinnie why I was crying again. He made it clear that he was getting tired of hearing about it.
I decided to drive to the same field I used to go to with Britney. It was secluded and no one would ever bother us. There was a small barn off to the side that had been abandoned and we would camp out in there a lot. I pulled my car off of the road and into the dying grass. I got out and walked to the barn. The sun was just starting to set.
I reached the door and, to my surprise, it was already opened. As far as I knew, no one ever came in here except for me. I didn't push it open any further but I put my ear close to it and tried to hear if anyone was in there. I listened closely and heard the faint sound of crying. It was soft and sweet, like a girl's. I slowly inched the door open and my jaw dropped when I saw the girl look up at me with tear soaked eyes.
"Britney?"
"I don't want to fight this morning so I am just here to tell you that you need to get up because you need to go visit you mother. She has been really upset that you seem to have forgotten to tell her you would not visit for a few months."
He's right. I had forgotten all about my sick mother. She had Alzheimer's and we had to put her in a home. I visited her every other week until I found out about Britney. Without any warning, I stopped going. I decided I had nothing better to do, so I crawled out of bed and got ready to tell my mom everything.
I don't know why I bothered, she would never remember the next day. Hell, she wouldn't remember the next hour. But I'm sure I would feel better if I talked about it with someone. She may not remember who Britney was, but I know she would listen.
I dragged myself to my car and left to go see the only family I had left. On the way there, all I could think about was her. All the times we spent together. All the nights she snuck in through my window because she got into a fight with her parents...about me of course. It was still hard to believe the three years I spent loving her could end so suddenly. I could already see myself turning into some pathetic man that, after 20 years, still imagines her walking through the front door like she used to.
The drive to the nursing home wasn't long. I continued wallowing in self-pity throughout the 10 minute drive and right up until I opened the building door. I shivered from the blast of cool air from inside as I stepped out of the warm summer day.
"Jesse! My Lord. We haven't seen you in a while." Lydia worked at the front desk. She was a middle-aged, fake blonde with a thick southern accent. Only slightly too sweet for her own good. Usually, I would kindly greet her back, but I couldn't find it in me to even try to fake kindness.
"Yeah, I know. But I'm here now, so is it cool if I just go in?"
"Oh, of course. Go ahead." She smiled and I just nodded and continued on my way.
I had forgotten to ask her where exactly my mother would be, so I decided to just check her room. Luckily for me, she was there. Her back was facing the door and she was looking at two birds singing outside of her window. I couldn't see her face, but I knew she was smiling. She always loved to listen to the birds.
"Mom? It's me, Jesse" I called to her. She slowly took her attention off of the song and turned my way.
"It's Jesse, mom" I repeated. She smiled. She got up off of the bed as fast as she could and walked over to me.
"Well, hello there." Then she pulled me into a hug. I sighed with relief. She remembered me today. "My son's name is Jesse, you know."
I clenched my eyelids closed in an attempt to hold back the tears that were starting to form. I guess this is what I get for not visiting anymore. "I know, Mom. It's me. I'm Jesse. Your son Jesse." She pulled away from me and looked at me deeply. After a few moments she started shaking her head. "No..no. I would remember my Jesse." I sighed with frustration and looked around the room. I saw a picture of me on her bedside table and I quickly walked to it. I picked it up and brought it back to her. I held it up to my face to show her.
"See Mom, it's me." She looked between the two of us as if she were trying to see the resemblance. All of a sudden, her eyes lit up and she looked back at me. She pulled me into an even tighter hug than before. "Oh Jesse! It is you."
A smile spread across my entire face. "How are you doing, Sweetie? You haven't come in a while." There wasn't a single bit of resentment in her voice and I suddenly didn't feel so guilty.
"Actually, a lot has happened since you last saw me. Let's sit down" She nodded and led us to her bed. We both sat down and she looked at me, her eyes telling me that she was ready.
"I don't know if you remember Britney.." She nodded her head.
"Of course I remember Britney!"
"Ok well, a few months ago, I found out...um...I found out th-that" I was having such a hard time saying it out loud. I felt my mom take my hands in hers and squeeze them gently. I closed my eyes but it didn't stop a tear from falling down my cheek. She wiped it away.
"She died, Mom." My eyes were still closed but I heard a small gasp. She leaned forward and pulled me into a tight hug. I let myself go and just cried into her shoulder. "Honey, I am so sorry."
"I miss her so much, Mom."
"I know, Sweetie. I know.." She continued to rub my back comfortingly. "Is that why you stopped coming?"
I nodded. "I can barely get out of bed anymore."
I spent the next few hours telling her about everything that had happened in the past few months and she just listened. I felt a lot better when I walked out of the building and back to my car. I looked at my reflection in the rear-view window and my eyes were red and puffy. I didn't want to go home and explain to Vinnie why I was crying again. He made it clear that he was getting tired of hearing about it.
I decided to drive to the same field I used to go to with Britney. It was secluded and no one would ever bother us. There was a small barn off to the side that had been abandoned and we would camp out in there a lot. I pulled my car off of the road and into the dying grass. I got out and walked to the barn. The sun was just starting to set.
I reached the door and, to my surprise, it was already opened. As far as I knew, no one ever came in here except for me. I didn't push it open any further but I put my ear close to it and tried to hear if anyone was in there. I listened closely and heard the faint sound of crying. It was soft and sweet, like a girl's. I slowly inched the door open and my jaw dropped when I saw the girl look up at me with tear soaked eyes.
"Britney?"