There Is No Arizona

"Baby, it will be so much better, I promise. We'll be away from the hustle and bustle of California, just relaxing in the Arizona sun." Steve stood there trying to convince me for the tenth time this week.

"Honey, I just don't know. Where would we live? What about jobs? I mean, I can't just pack up shop and move." I reasoned.

"Zoey, I've figured that part out okay? I'll go down there first and get everything figured out for us. Then I'll come back for you. That way, if things don't work out, I'll come back and we'll continue life right here." He put his hands on my shoulders and I looked up at him. "Come on baby. This is what we need."

I sighed. "Okay. You can go and get shit settled, as long as you prmoise to come back for me."

He kissed me quickly. "Oh honey! I promise! Thank you so much! You're the best girlfriend ever!" he hugged me and went upstairs to start packing.

I sat on the couch and stared at the wall. Do I really want to do this? I mean, I have my tattoo shop established and growing here in LA, my own place, plus, my family is here in California. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't see them anymore.

On the other hand, I love Steve. I want to be with him, and if he thinks we need to start over in Arizona, then I trust he knows what's best for us. I got up and decided to just go to bed and deal with all this tomorrow.

He promised her a new and better life, out in Arizona
Underneath the blue, never-ending sky, swore that he was gonna
Get things in order, he'd send for her
When he left her behind, it never crossed her mind

I woke up and turned over to find the other side of my bed empty. I looked around to see most of Steve's stuff gone. I panicked a little, throwing the covers off myself and running downstairs. Almost all of his stuff was gone. I saw a note taped to the tv and grabbed it.

'Zoey~

Hey honey, I'm off. You're probably freaking out a little, but don't worry. Things will work out. Sorry I didn't wake you up when I left, but you were sleeping and it would be harder on both of us if we said goodbye, so I'll just say; see ya babe! I love you!

Love,

Steve

Oh, and I grabbed all my stuff so it's easier on you when you come join me. Love ya!'

I took a deep breath and tried not to start crying. He said he was going, but I didn't know he meant today. I sat there on the floor and stared at my half-empty living room until my phone started blaring Lead Sails (And A Paper Anchor) by Atreyu; my brother's ringtone. "Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Zo, we're stopping at BK on the way, you hungry?" he asked. I was silent as I tried to figure out what the hell he was talking about. "Zoey?"

"Huh?"

"You okay sis? You seem pretty out of it." he said, concerned.

"Yeah, Jim, I'm fine. Now, what did you ask?"

"I said, we're stopping at Burger King on the way, do you want us to get you anything?" he repeated, a little bit of worry in his voice.

"On the way where?"

"Zoey Nichole Sullivan, what the fuck is up with you?" he asked harshly, snapping me back to reality. "It's Friday. Me and the boys are staying with you this weekend, like we do every weekend."

"Oh, right. Sorry Jimmy, I just lost track of the days is all." I lied, looking at my empty house. "Are you guys in town already?"

"Yeah," he said a little relieved. "We'll be there in about 20 minutes."

"Okay. I'm gonna jump in the shower. I'll see you guys when you get here." I said as I got up off the floor and made my way up to my room.

"Okay sis, see ya." Jimmy said and we hung up.

I started the shower and got in. I let the warm water cascade down my body and wash away all my worries and doubts. I just stood there under the water for a while, then washed up and got out. I wrapped a towel around myself and went into my room to get dresed. It was a nice day, so I pulled on a pair of shorts and a Hard Rock San Francisco tanktop. I didn't bother with my hair or makeup cuz I heard voices downstairs already. My brother has a key so they probably just let themselves in.

I made my way downstairs to see all the guys sitting on my couches eating Burger King. Brian saw me first. "There's the Animal." he smiled at me. I smiled at my nickname. Little sister of a drummer, growing up around them forever, I'm almost as good at them as Jimmy is, I just look a little wild doing it. Hence the name; Animal. I walked over and sat between Brian and Johnny, stealing one of Johnny's fries as I sat down. "So babe, where's Steve?"

I knew this was coming. This was going to be hard, but I had to tell them soon. There was no telling how long it would take Steve to figure shit out. I looked up into the guys' concerned faces and took a deep breath. "He's in Arizona." I said. "He's.... He's going to get a place for us there."

"'Us?' You don't mean.... You're not leaving again, are you?" Jimmy asked me, hurt written all over his face. I just nodded. "But, but why? You're doing so great here. You've got your shop, your own house, and you can't go any farther away from us Zo. We can't just go to Arizona every weekend to see you."

"I know, Jim." I said, trying to speak around the lump that had formed in my throat. "But Steve can't find a job here and - "

"FUCK Steve!" Matt said angrily, causing me to jump. "He's the reason you left Huntington in the first place! Cuz 'Steve can't find a job'. So you move down here to LA and he still can't find anything! Don't you realize Zo, it's not where he goes, it's just HIM!" he stood up. "He's a loser, Zoey. If you can't see that, then I'm sorry. But I'm not gonna sit here and watch you choose him all over again, over us, your fucking family, and let him drag you farther away." he walked out the backdoor and I burst into tears.

Johnny put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. "Zoey, if this was something you needed to do for yourself, we would understand. But it's Steve, again, taking you farther away from us. You know you need to stay close for Jimmy. Who does he go to with all of his problems? Hell, who do we all go to? You, hon. I'm not trying to be selfish here, but we need you too much."

No one spoke for a while. Finally, Jimmy stood up. "I'm gonna go find Matt." he said and walked out.

"Animal," Zacky said. "I can't watch Jimmy go through this again. Last time you left, he fell apart. You're all he has. That's why we come to see you every weekend. He needs to see you to stay sane. He needs to know you're still here for him."

"But what about what I need?" I asked. "Don't get me wrong, I love Jimmy. He's the only family I have left, but why should his problems make the decisions in my life?"

"Jimmy has been in and out of rehab, struggling with addiction, and tried to kill himself twice, Zoey." Brian reminded me. "You know he needs you to keep him grounded. You're the only person on this Earth he trusts 100%"

I got up from the couch, grabbed my keys and walked out the front door. I needed to think. The guys were right. Jimmy needs me. But I need Steve, right?

I drove around until about eleven pm. I finally decided that the guys would just have to deal with it. If Steve came back and had everything taken care of, I'd go to Arizona with him. Pulling up to my house, all the lights were off and I knew the guys would be in bed. I went inside and up to my room. I changed in the dark and crawled into bed, almost screaming when someone wrapped their arm around me.

"Have a good drive?" the deep voice asked.

"Damn it, Matt! You scared me!"

He chuckled and pulled me closer. "Sorry."

"What are you doing in here anyway?"

He shrugged and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Just wanted to see you."

His hot breath on the back of my neck sent chills down my spine. "You couldn't wait until morning?" I whispered, trying to keep my voice even.

"Would YOU like sharing a bed with cuddle-bug Zacky?" he laughed.

"It's not like I haven't before." I chuckled.

We were both quiet for a few minutes and I thought he had fallen asleep, until he started making patters on my side with his fingers. I knew it was wrong, because I have Steve, but I couldn't help the butterflies that erupted in my stomach at his touch. "I'm sorry for yelling at you today." he whispered. "I just.... I can't watch everyone get hurt again, including me. You know how much we all care about you."

"Matt, I have to." I said quietly.

He didn't say anything for a while. "What if..." he paused and took a deep breath. "What if I could convince you to stay?" he asked.

"How?" I wondered, finally looking at him since my eyes had adjusted to the darkness. He just placed his hand on the side of my face and stared into my eyes. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his intense hazel ones. He slowly leaned in, closing the distance between our faces, still looking me in the eyes. I felt the electricity before our lips even touched. I knew in my mind I shouldn't be doing this, but my heart was beating too hard and fast for me to hear my mind's arguments.

The kiss was the most gentle, sensual, passionate, erotic, amazing kiss I've ever experienced. When I was younger, I'd always dreamed of what it would be like to kiss Matt, always jealous of his girlfriends that got to find out. But now it was my turn. 'Matt's kisses make you feel like the most special person in the world' his ex, Tracey once told me. I thought she was full of shit, but now I know exactly what she meant. His hand moved from my face into my hair. I put my hand on his side and gently pulled until he was half on top of me. His weight was so comforting, he made me forget about my problems. As wrong as this was, I just couldn't stop.

When he finally pulled away for air, he rested his forehead on mine. "You convinced yet?" he asked me.

"Matt, I have to - " I started, but was cut off by his lips meeting mine once again. This time he was slightly more agressive. His tongue traced my bottom lip, asking for entrance, which I granted immediately. My mind was blank and all I could think about was this moment.

"Now?" he asked, pulling away just enought to speak and then crashed his lips into mine again.

I pulled away slightly. "Maybe." He gave me his killer smile, knowing his technique was starting to work. He wasn't really changing my mind though, only making me even more confused.

She got a postcard with no return address, postmarked Tombstone,
It said 'I don't know where I'm goin next, but when I do I'll let ya know.'
May, June, July, she wonders why she's still waiting,
She'll keep waiting

"Zoey, you have mail." Zacky said as I came home from the store. In the 3 months since Steve's been gone, Zacky came to live with me, the boys still visit every weekend, Matt and I have made out a few more times and I'm really disappointed in the lack of communication from Steve. "Hey love." Zacky hugged me as I came into the kitchen. I picked up the postcard from the counter.

I sighed; same as all the others. No return address, some cliche Arizona picture on the front, this time The Grand Canyon. It simply said 'Zo- Don't know where I'm goin next, but when I do I'll let ya know.' It was postmarked Tombstone, Arizona. I sighed and threw it in the trash, same as all the others I've gotten. "Can you order chinese for dinner? You know what I want." I said. Zacky smiled sympathetically and I went upstairs to my room. I put my stuff down and saw I had an IM waiting on my laptop.

XShadowXDwellerX: Hey, you home from work yet?

*TheBeezKneez*: Yup, just got home

XShadowXDwellerX: Oh, hey :)

*TheBeezKneez*: LOL Hi

XShadowXDwellerX: So, I get to come see you tomorrow :)

*TheBeezKneez*: Yup.

XShadowXDwellerX: You ok hon?

*TheBeezKneez*: Eh, got another one

XShadowXDwellerX: ..... what this time?

*TheBeezKneez*: Same - no return addy, doesnt know where hes going. from tombstone this time tho.

XShadowXDwellerX: Aw babe, im sorry. you want me to come over today instead?

*TheBeezKneez*: *shrug* u can if u want. if not it's no big.

XShadowXDwellerX: I'll leave in 5 mins. see u soon hon.

XShadowXDwellerX has logged off.

I smiled and went to take a shower. When I got out I heard Zacky yell "Zoey, dinner!" I got dressed and ran downstairs. "Here ya go, chicken chow mein and sweet n sour pork." he said, handing me my food.

"Mmm, thank you Zack." I said and dug in. "Oh, Matt's coming today by the way." He looked at me and smirked. "What?" I asked innocently.

"Nothing." he smiled.

"Vengeance, what?"

"You two are just really cute together. Honestly, ever since Steve left, everyone's been a lot happier, including both of you. "

"Yeah, but Matt and I are-"

"More than just friends Zoey. Everyone knows it. Hell, even Matt knows it. He just.... He doesn't want to push you at all. He knows you're waiting on Steve and he doesn't want to interfere. He's liked you for a long time but he's been waiting in the wings for you to feel the same."

I didn't kno what to say. I just ate in silence. Zacky kept glancing up at me, but I ignored him and turned on the tv.

About 2 hours later a car pulled up. I heard more than just Matt's voice and when the door opened, all guys were standing there. Matt flashed me his killer smile. "Hey love! I called the guys to tell them that I was coming up today instead and they decided to come with." he walked over and sat on the couch next to me, pulling me onto his lap. "How are you?" he whispered. I shrugged and he kissed my cheek.

As the guys started a conversation about noodles (don't ask), I zoned out the window and stared at the setting sun. I thought about what Zacky had said about me and Matt. I mean, I've always had a thing for Matt, ever since Jimmy first brought him over. But I knew he just thought of me as Jimmy's little sister, Animal, little sister to the guys. And Steve.... Why hasn't he given up, or at least CALLED me to let me know what was going on. I thought he wanted us to start over together.

And tht's when it finally hit me.

"There is no Arizona." I said outloud.

"What babe?" Matt asked, snapping me back to reality.

I looked at them. "He was lying. He didn't want me to go with him. He wanted to get away and not come back. All the things he promised; blue, never-ending skies, Sedona, Grand Canyon, everything. It was all a lie. There is no Arizona."

I felt Matt's grip on me tighten. "I'm sorry babe. We wanted you to figure it out on your own, but we all realized that a while ago."

I nodded. "I think I kinda knew all along as well, I just didn't want to admit it to myself." I laid my head on Matt's shoulder and he kissed the top of my head.

"So, you're staying then?" Jimmy asked.

"Yes Jim, I'm staying. Brian, I need you to see if your mom was still going to sell her salon. Maybe I can transform it into a tattoo shop. Then I can move back home." I said. The guys broke out into cheers.

Each day the sun sets into the west,
Her heart sinks lower in her chest
And friends keep askin when she's goin
Finally she tells them, Don't you know

There is no Arizona,
No painted desert, no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her.

But they don't exist, those dreams he's sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona.

The guys and I talked for a little while longer and then we all went to bed. Matt came with me to my room.

"So, you and Steve are over then?" he asked once we got in bed.

I smiled. "I guess so."

That night, and almost everynight since, Matt has made me forget all about Arizona.