Vermilion

But I won’t let this build up inside of me.

I kept constantly repeating this phrase inside my head, like a broken record as I swayed side to side, feeling nervous, feeling a bit less overjoyed then I really should be. I mean, today is Edward’s and Bella’s wedding and I was there to support her. Really, the girl has been almost a nervous wreck for three weeks sporting the engagement ring, especially when she told her father.

For her sake, as well as mine, Alice and I have had to force Jacob into wearing something slightly nice, but we weren’t sure exactly how well this was going to go. Everyone knows that, despite Jacob and I are well enough in love, that there’s the burning desire for Bella in the bottom pit of his stomach. He can’t hide that from me.

“Would you guys hurry the fuck up? Aren’t girls suppose to take our sweet ass time getting ready?” I screamed, pounding my fists against Jacob’s door, getting nothing but over-exaggerated moans. Meaning, they must have been playing video games to pass the time, expecting us to be late. No. I’m fast at getting ready.

“What’s taking them so long?” Alice asked, beside me before the sound of her approach could be heard. She was only here because Sam allowed her too, out of the goodness of his heart (and because I poked and prodded him with sticks and pleaded until I finally broke his spirit).

“I haven’t a clue.” I really did, but I can’t tell Alice that they are playing video games, for I’d have to buy Jacob a new game system.

“Well they need to hurry, because I have other stuff to attend to, like the bride herself.” Alice spoke sharply, and I gave his door a long look before I sighed.

“Just, go before it’s too late.”

“But you don’t have the address.” I sighed again.

“I know, but Jacob knows where it is. He’ll give me the best damn directions a teenage boy can.” Alice shook her head as she gave me a quick hug and left with only the slamming of the screen door to be heard of her exit. Then his bedroom door opened, and I could see the solemn face of him and Seth and Embry, who are the only ones bothering to be there for moral support. For Jacob’s case.

“I don’t think I should go…”

“Jacob, please.” I whined, but his jaw tightened with sincerity in his thoughts.

“No. If I go, I know something bad will happen. I’ve stepped out of line before.”

I took a long, exaggerated sigh, which I’ve been doing a lot of lately. I can’t exactly get through to Jacob anymore, despite our ‘imprinting’ situation. It’s as if that spell just a few months prior to this is being kicked in the face by Karma, very slowly. But I know that someday, my actions were going to face me. Three times as much as how bad that situation was…

His warm hand was pressed against my cheek lightly, his lips pecking my forehead softly, and then he whispered, “Please, don’t make me go. I can’t stomach it.”

After all this time. After being with me. He can’t stomach seeing his best friend getting married to a bloodsucker. And I can’t pull the “do it for me” card because I’ve already tried that, already pulled the variety of cards to get him to come. But I think I’ve tried to reason with him enough.

“Fine. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going.” I spoke, giving him a small peck on the cheek before I walked away from him.

“You don’t even know where it is!” Jacob yelled out as he followed behind me, and I shrugged my shoulders. “Your going to get lost. Your smarter then that, Elaine.”

“Am I?” I turned around, giving him a cold stare, the thoughts of the previous three years, all of the self harm, all of the pain, coming back to me. His eyes grew sad at the sound of my bitterness, and I could tell that he knew exactly what I was talking about. “Am I really so fucking smart? No, I’m not. And to prove I’m not I’m leaving to the wedding, and I hope I do get fucking lost.”

That was it before I slammed the door shut, crunching my keys in my hand enough to nearly puncture the skin and I climbed into my little yellow car. The piece of shit was not worth driving, not only would I get lost but my baby would break down in the middle of the road and I’d be stuck there. I honestly didn’t give a shit, because I promised Bella I’d be there. Like I promised Bella to get Jacob there. I’ve already broken one promise, I can’t break another.

I pushed the car key into the ignition and it busted and gurgled to life, then as I began to pull out of the drive way, Jacob slammed his hands against the hood, rattling the car. He came to the side and pulled the door open, slipping into the car. I looked at his appearance, still the same as he did when he woke up this morning. But I know that doesn’t matter. At least he’s going.

After a moments silence we were on the road, and it was taking all the strength I had to keep my mouth closed. But my will wasn’t strong enough.

“I really need to know why this is so hard for you.” I spoke, not giving him a glance but I could sense that he was probably glaring at me through the corner of his beautiful brown eyes.

“I don’t know, Elaine. But honestly, these past years haven’t really been the spiffiest for everybody.”

“I know that more then you do.” I spat, a growl erupting from, not only his throat, but my throat as well.

“Elaine. Let’s not argue. We did that spell thing for a reason, to make everything better.”

“It’s called Karma, Hun. And it’s going to give me shit because of the little stunt I pulled a few months ago.”

His hand was over mine on the stick of the gear shift, the warmth instantly filling me, instantly melting my anger like wax. I almost felt the need to let the tears collecting on the corner of my eyes fall, but I held it together, reminding myself of strength and the crystal quartz ring around my right ring finger. The tears disappeared as a sense of hope filled me with the thought of my mother’s inability to be strong, and how much better I need to be.

“Whatever happens, I promise I’m going to be there for you.” He whispered, trying his best not to distract me from the road, but I can tell from the way his hand felt like twitching that he wanted nothing more then what I was feeling in my heart and my gut right now. To kiss. That’s always what closed our deals of passion and ended the hindering I did on our relationship. I know its all my fault that we fight so often, but he always knows how to fix it, bring us closer.

“I hope you will. Because I can feel there’s going to be a mountain on the road in just a short amount of time.” I can’t believe I had spoken my fear out loud, but that didn’t matter, whatever it was Jacob was sure to help fight it with me. As long as I kept my other promise. Not to back track.

The first time I had physically harmed myself, I tried to poison myself by huffing aerosols as I sprayed them into my mouth, a detail that no body really knows, and I tried to punish myself by spraying a can of compressed air side ways into my mouth. I had frost bite, and I almost thought I’d loose my cheek. I did that because my mother died. Because she committed suicide.

And then two years later, after months in a mental behavior institute in Montana and then a year being home-schooled, popping anti-depressants, and having therapy twice a week, I made enough progress to ‘move on’. But as Carlisle told me just months ago, I was not ready to move on. That he should have followed his instincts and made my father keep me at home. I really believed him. I was so angry though, that I stormed out of the hospital while my limbs still hurt from the cuts. Caused by the second time I hurt myself.

My father had died, after being bitten by a reckless vampire coming through the town, and then he tried to kill me. He was thirsty, stubborn, and angry with everybody, especially Jacob for letting my father turn out that way. I blamed Jacob too. I blamed Jacob for a lot of things in our past. So, the Cullen’s tore my father apart. I grieved, had an argument with Jacob, and froze my mouth and throat half to hell.

Things have been increasingly better, until Jacob and I started fighting everyday since two weeks ago. And he knew as well as I did that fighting is going to get old. But there’s always the times where I’m still to bitter and selfish to care, and I rip a whole through everyone’s hearts at the mention of what I did to myself. Sometimes they do that too, especially Jacob, who finds it a necessary weapon whenever our arguments get really bad. That’s how he gets the last word.

“Okay, now I think I know where the Cullen’s house might be from here but I can’t exactly be sure.” Jacob broke the silence, awkwardly I might add, and I saw him scratch his head in thought. How cute.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll know if you’re wrong.” I held onto my amethyst around my neck, a small piece on a silver chain that has been with me through much. A security blanket that I haven’t taken off for five years. Amethyst promotes psychic awareness, and I’m sure that I’ll need it right now, with Jacob’s bad sense of direction currently. I think our fights have wigged him out a bit out of his normal, wolf habits.

“Um, I think that’s the road right there.”

“Um…no.” And I passed it, feeling in my gut that that wasn’t the turn we need to be taking.

“Okay, what about that one?” He pointed to the next one on the left, but I shook my head and sped past as fast as my little car could go.

“That one?”

“No.”

“That one?”

“No.”

“That one?”

“No. YES!” I screamed and laughed hard as I swerved the car onto the road, noticing already that a long string of lights were set up among the trunks of the trees. I guess I didn’t need my amethyst for this, considering the decorations were pretty obviously set up for a wedding, and I know Alice.

There was already several cars parked out of the front, which means that people were already here for the ceremony, which also means that Jacob and I are pretty close to being late. Alice was already expecting us thirty minutes ago, but I’m really bad at making time when things concern Jacob.

As I exited the car and quickly sped up to Jacob’s side, I grabbed his hand and squeezed tightly, knowing that reassuring him through this should help. A bit.

I stopped him then and turned him around, his eyes question me as his eyebrow rose. Then I kissed his cheek lovingly, using an expression my mother always did for things like the first day of school, tests, and such. “For good luck.”

He smiled brightly, as did I, and we made our way up the porch steps and were greeted by Carlisle into the Cullen’s very modern home.

“I’m so glad to see you’ve come, Jacob. Bella will be so happy.”

But something felt strangely out of place here. I gazed around to see that everything looked as it did the last time I was here. Somehow, though, something felt very wrong, and the more my thoughts lingered on it the more my stomach clenched tightly. Jacob sensed my discomfort, and squeezed my hand, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.

“Finally you guys are here! Jacob what the hell are you wearing?” Alice screeched as she flew down the stairs, or just about flew, and was beside us, her eyes boring into the outfit Jacob was wearing.

A pair of jeans. A band tee I bought him at a Hot Topic somewhere, and some random hoodie from his floor. Yeah, not very set for a wedding.

“At least I got him out of the house.” I said, giving Alice a stern look. Her eyes then bore into mine, finally understand what Jacob’s been trying to tell us since he heard of the wedding (which was the most terrible time considering his reaction really ticked me off) and she backed away.

“Anyway, everything will start soon we’re just waiting for the guests. I need you for a moment, Elaine, to tell me how Bella looks.” And then she pulled me away by my arm, and I quickly blew Jacob a kiss before I was hauled up the stairs and into Alice’s room.

Bella looked astonishingly beautiful in her wedding dress, and I absolutely felt envious of her. But I reminded myself that beauty was an opinion, and that no matter how beautiful Bella may shine on this day, it was her right, and my envy was only going to bring the worst out in me.

“Awe she’s beautiful.” I cooed, walking up to her and quickly sneaking a kiss to her cheek. “For good luck.” I explained.

Bella smiled and blushed, the pink color filling her cheeks quickly. Something told me the color in her cheeks wouldn’t be there for much longer, and this icky feeling in the pit of my stomach was really starting to worry me.

But I won’t let this build up inside of me.