Love Between Siblings
Part 4
I had always loved to look at Adam. Dressed or undressed. And I had managed to make myself believe that every woman loved to look at an attractive young men. Even though it maybe was her own brother!
A diary note from the 5th of august.
Thomas called tonight. I wish he was only half as handsome and funny as Adam.
And that he had Adams amazing shoulders... Yea, yea, I know. Shame on you, Amanda!
Easy.
It was just a couple of days later when I found out what it really meant when my heart began throbbing like crazy every time Adam undressed himself and laid down his gorgues body on my bed.
8.9.83
The clock is soon 4 am and I can't sleep. Can you answer me on this one thing? Is it legal to get all fuzzy and warm by looking at your own brother? Is it that legal, even though he is the prettiest and most handsome boy in the universe?
I can't help it!
I feel so ashamed. What if he knew! I'm crazy.
Terribly comical is it though. I've seen many naked boys before. Just think about all the models at the painting course! I didn't feel anything more for them than I felt for all the ugly flowervases and fruitbowls we had to paint in the painting classes at school! They just stood there and were lines, forms, light and shadows.
Not flesh and blood.
Not laughter, jokes and fun. Not like Adam.
It's sick, huh? To get attracted to you own brother?
Perverst.
I have to get myself together! I have seen him naked a hundred times before!
No, not like that. In pose, you know.
He looks so... HOT. So warm.
The first picture was done tonight. It stands by the wall to dry off. I'm thinking about make one more. But I don't know. I should probably stop it now.
I don't even know why I want to paint anymore!
Maybe only to see him. But that's so wrong. It have to be wrong.
Sick.
Perverst.
Then I decided that I should quit painting.
I was going to say it to him the next day.
8.10.83
Icouldn't do it!!!
I just couldn't say to Adam that I didn't wantg to paint anymore pictures!
I was about to say it when I suddenly thought about how surprised he was going to be and then he would ask why!
I couldn't fool him.
Never.
He would have seen right trough me and I would have been so ashamed I could rather die!
Tonight, when we watched TV he sat tight beside me. I didn't even know what the program was about. I jsut sat there against his shoulder and felt how warm he was and how good he smelt, and tried not to think about his naked, extremely hot body on my bed.
Have you ever noticed that if you try to not think about somthing, that's the thing that is most stuck in your head?
And have you noticed another thing?
How gorgues his eyes are? And his so amazing lips? And Amanda, for christ sake!!! Stop it! Go to bed and sleep instead! Your crazy! You should have been locked up in some kind of crazy house!
Now it's soon morning again.
But lucky for me it's summer vacation, if it wasn't I would probably have slept and snored like a pig the whole day.
The last days Adam was model for me was changed from amazing to more a mysterious mix of sham, lust, fear and expectations.
It's probably weird that Adam didn't notice how his sister moaned and huffed.
But when Adam is in the middle of an exciting book there isn't much he picks up, other than text in the book.
8.13.83
Found the word perv in the synonym wordbook;
abnorm, unnatural, wrong, sick, confused, confused about your sex.
I'm scared, you know that?
And I care about him so crazy much. To much. I've always been.
I know.
His eyes, his smile, everything!
Dear god, never let anyone read my diary!
If someone do, I'll probably get locked away in some crazy place!
In 14 days I nearly wrote 150 pages in the diary. And for the first time in my entire life, I hided the diary when Adam came in the room.
He had never tried to read any of them. Why should he? I've always told him everything.
Until now.
8.16.83
Tomorrow night it's over.
I just have one more night of standing there 'painting' and be scared shitless thinking if he saw up, he would see right through me.
I don't even dare to look him in the eyes anymore.
Have you ever heard of an artist that can't look at their models?
Maybe I can create a new 'thing'. The Ford painting school.
Artists get themselfs a really hot model, make sure they get really horny and paint out from memory later!
I know.
I'm crazy.
I'm about to become insane.
It's like I can feel his skin under my nails when I paint.
My longing for him crawls inside of me.
Am I aloud to curse?
Fuck!!!!
Thanks.
Everything will be over tomorrow night. Everything will be like usual again.
That Adam hadn't noticed what the abnorm, unnatural, wrong, sick, confused, confused about your sex sister he had stood and thought of, I can thank Umberto Eco for.
Thank you, Umberto Eco.
The last night of painting, both the pictures where done so I moved on to my painting book.
Adam changed position every 10th minute. That was much easier, cause I hadn't time to think.
But when the time had gone out, he came over to me and looked at the paintings.
I felt his body's warm temprature beside me, and didn't dare to look at him.
"That looks like Apollo or something," He said, "Am I that amazing?"
"Yes" I said. And I noticed it sounded more like an apology.
A diary note from the 5th of august.
Thomas called tonight. I wish he was only half as handsome and funny as Adam.
And that he had Adams amazing shoulders... Yea, yea, I know. Shame on you, Amanda!
Easy.
It was just a couple of days later when I found out what it really meant when my heart began throbbing like crazy every time Adam undressed himself and laid down his gorgues body on my bed.
8.9.83
The clock is soon 4 am and I can't sleep. Can you answer me on this one thing? Is it legal to get all fuzzy and warm by looking at your own brother? Is it that legal, even though he is the prettiest and most handsome boy in the universe?
I can't help it!
I feel so ashamed. What if he knew! I'm crazy.
Terribly comical is it though. I've seen many naked boys before. Just think about all the models at the painting course! I didn't feel anything more for them than I felt for all the ugly flowervases and fruitbowls we had to paint in the painting classes at school! They just stood there and were lines, forms, light and shadows.
Not flesh and blood.
Not laughter, jokes and fun. Not like Adam.
It's sick, huh? To get attracted to you own brother?
Perverst.
I have to get myself together! I have seen him naked a hundred times before!
No, not like that. In pose, you know.
He looks so... HOT. So warm.
The first picture was done tonight. It stands by the wall to dry off. I'm thinking about make one more. But I don't know. I should probably stop it now.
I don't even know why I want to paint anymore!
Maybe only to see him. But that's so wrong. It have to be wrong.
Sick.
Perverst.
Then I decided that I should quit painting.
I was going to say it to him the next day.
8.10.83
Icouldn't do it!!!
I just couldn't say to Adam that I didn't wantg to paint anymore pictures!
I was about to say it when I suddenly thought about how surprised he was going to be and then he would ask why!
I couldn't fool him.
Never.
He would have seen right trough me and I would have been so ashamed I could rather die!
Tonight, when we watched TV he sat tight beside me. I didn't even know what the program was about. I jsut sat there against his shoulder and felt how warm he was and how good he smelt, and tried not to think about his naked, extremely hot body on my bed.
Have you ever noticed that if you try to not think about somthing, that's the thing that is most stuck in your head?
And have you noticed another thing?
How gorgues his eyes are? And his so amazing lips? And Amanda, for christ sake!!! Stop it! Go to bed and sleep instead! Your crazy! You should have been locked up in some kind of crazy house!
Now it's soon morning again.
But lucky for me it's summer vacation, if it wasn't I would probably have slept and snored like a pig the whole day.
The last days Adam was model for me was changed from amazing to more a mysterious mix of sham, lust, fear and expectations.
It's probably weird that Adam didn't notice how his sister moaned and huffed.
But when Adam is in the middle of an exciting book there isn't much he picks up, other than text in the book.
8.13.83
Found the word perv in the synonym wordbook;
abnorm, unnatural, wrong, sick, confused, confused about your sex.
I'm scared, you know that?
And I care about him so crazy much. To much. I've always been.
I know.
His eyes, his smile, everything!
Dear god, never let anyone read my diary!
If someone do, I'll probably get locked away in some crazy place!
In 14 days I nearly wrote 150 pages in the diary. And for the first time in my entire life, I hided the diary when Adam came in the room.
He had never tried to read any of them. Why should he? I've always told him everything.
Until now.
8.16.83
Tomorrow night it's over.
I just have one more night of standing there 'painting' and be scared shitless thinking if he saw up, he would see right through me.
I don't even dare to look him in the eyes anymore.
Have you ever heard of an artist that can't look at their models?
Maybe I can create a new 'thing'. The Ford painting school.
Artists get themselfs a really hot model, make sure they get really horny and paint out from memory later!
I know.
I'm crazy.
I'm about to become insane.
It's like I can feel his skin under my nails when I paint.
My longing for him crawls inside of me.
Am I aloud to curse?
Fuck!!!!
Thanks.
Everything will be over tomorrow night. Everything will be like usual again.
That Adam hadn't noticed what the abnorm, unnatural, wrong, sick, confused, confused about your sex sister he had stood and thought of, I can thank Umberto Eco for.
Thank you, Umberto Eco.
The last night of painting, both the pictures where done so I moved on to my painting book.
Adam changed position every 10th minute. That was much easier, cause I hadn't time to think.
But when the time had gone out, he came over to me and looked at the paintings.
I felt his body's warm temprature beside me, and didn't dare to look at him.
"That looks like Apollo or something," He said, "Am I that amazing?"
"Yes" I said. And I noticed it sounded more like an apology.