Hidden Within

I walked quietly down the hallway to my room, hugging myself tightly as tears flowed down my face, and I gently shut the door. I locked it and retreated to the far corner of my room. My back hit the wall and I slowly slid down to the floor, my body shaking as I try to regain my composure. I wrapped my arms tightly around my knees, hugging them in close to my body, as more tears spilled from my eyes and cascaded down my face.

I felt so terrible, so worthless, so dirty.

A soft knock came at my door and my entire body grew stiff and rigid. My breath caught in my throat as I stared at only thing separating me from him.

“You gonna let me in?” he asked softly from the other side.

I didn’t reply.

“Come on, I know you’re in there. Please open the door.”

I remained silent, praying that he’d take the hint and just leave me alone.

“Well, I guess I’m just going to go to bed then since you won’t talk to me. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I bit my bottom lip hard; his words played over and over in my head.

I’ll see you in the morning.

A sob escaped from my lips and I buried my face in my knees as more tears were released. I had never even considered the fact that I was going to have to see him in the morning. That was the last thing I wanted.

In fact I never wanted to see his face ever again.

All I wanted was to forget this night for the rest of my life.

~

“Alana! Alana, wake up!”

My eyes fly open and I quickly sit up in my bed, my chest rising and falling rapidly with my breath.

“Whoa! It’s alright, it’s just me,” my step-sister, Sandi, says softly. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You were tossing and turning like crazy. I was worried about ya. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I mumble as I run my fingers through my hair.

“You didn’t sound fine.”

“It’s nothing to worry about, Sandi, really,” I tell her, trying my best to smile at her.

“You would tell me if something were wrong… Right?”

“Of course. I tell ya everything.”

She nods her head softly. “Well, I’m here if you ever need to talk.”

“I know, Sands, I know.”

She sighs. “Well, it’s time to get ready for school. First day and all that; don’t wanna be late.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

“I’ll see ya downstairs.”

“Okay.”

She turns to leave and stops just as she reaches my door. She turns back around to face me and I scrunch my eyebrows together in confusion.

“What?” I ask her, wondering why she’s stopped.

“I love you, Lana.”

“Love you, too, Sandi. But did you really have to stop and tell me that?” I ask with a slight chuckle.

“Yeah, I think I did,” she replies softly before she lets out a heavy sigh. “You just haven’t been yourself since Craig was here.”

I tense at the mention of his name but try my hardest not to let it show. “Craig hasn’t been here since the summer.”

“I know, and you haven’t been the same for the last two months. You’re so… I dunno, it’s like you don’t trust anyone anymore.”

“What makes you think that I don’t trust anyone?” I ask a bit too defensively.

She shrugs. “You just seem so wary about everyone; like you think everyone’s out to get you.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I reply with a forced chuckle. “I know I can trust you guys. I mean, family’s all you have in the end, the ones who are always gonna be there for you, to watch out for you.”

“Yeah, always.”

We fall into silence for a moment, her standing by my bedroom door and me sitting on my bed with the covers bunched up around my waist. Her staring at me, me looking down into my lap and biting my lip in a nervous manner.

I know I should say something; that I should tell her. I will probably feel a lot better if I do. But I just don’t feel like this is something I should tell her. I don’t feel like it’s something that I should tell anyone. I shouldn’t tell anyone because it’s sick, it’s wrong, and most of all because I wish it never happened.

“Well, I guess I’ll let you get ready,” she says quietly. “Mom’s making scrambled eggs for breakfast.”

“Awesome, I’ll be down in a bit.”

“Kay.”

I watch her as she leaves the room, closing the door gently behind her. I bite my lip and I close my eyes in hopes that it will keep any tears from falling. I hate keeping this from her; I hate keeping this from my family, but what am I supposed to do? It isn’t exactly something that I can just bring up at the dinner table like it’s no big deal.

I inhale deeply through my nose to try and calm myself down, doing whatever I can to drive the thoughts of that night out of my head, but it doesn’t work. I open my eyes and a few tears crash down onto my comforter, staining the light purple fabric. My lip quivers as I stare down at where my teardrops fell and soon more tears begin to fall and splash onto the covers.

I sniffle and take another deep breath. I can’t breakdown now; the last thing I can do is go downstairs with tear tracks on my face and worry everyone. I know that Sandi’s not the only one that’s been worried about me. I’ve noticed the concern reflecting in my mom’s eyes when she looks at me. The only one that seems to be oblivious to everything is my dad. But that’s not much of a surprise since he’s always been on the unobservant side; I think it’s a common male trait to be unobservant and oblivious.

I finally get my tears to stop and I pull myself out of bed. I walk to my dresser; pull out my clothes for the day, a pair of jeans and a simple burgundy T-shirt; and I quickly get dressed. I brush my hair, not even bothering to look in the mirror, and throw it into a sloppy ponytail. I hurry to the bathroom across the hall and I wash my face. I blindly reach for a hand towel and dry my face off. I look up into the mirror, looking over my reflection, and I grimace.

I’m disgusting…

“Lana, hurry up in there! I gotta pee!” my younger brother, Kris, calls out as he knocks on the bathroom door.

“Just a second!” I tell him, my voice a little on the shaky side. Thank God it’s Kris there; if it were Sandi she’d be wondering what’s going on.

I look away from the mirror and bring my hands up to my eyes, checking for any tears that could have snuck out on me, and sigh in relief when I see that my fingertips are dry. I open the door and Kris rushes past me, not even giving me a second glance, shutting the door as soon as I’m out in the hall. I gently shake my head, feeling a light chuckle catch in my throat at his urgency to get into the washroom.

I head on down the stairs to the kitchen where my mom, my step-dad, Henry, and Sandi are sitting at the table having their breakfast. I see a plate in front of my chair and I sit down to eat. I pick up my fork and poke at my eggs; it’s hard to eat when I don’t really feel hungry. I haven’t really had much of an appetite for a while now.

“You okay, Lana?” Henry asks me after he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Yeah. Why do you ask, Dad?”

“You look a bit thin,” he comments, gesturing at me with his hand holding his coffee mug.

“No, I’m the same weight,” I mumble, shoving a forkful of eggs into my mouth. Truth be told I don’t know if I am the same weight or not; I haven’t bothered to weigh myself in weeks.

“You sure, sweetie? You do look like you’ve lost some weight and you haven’t been eating much at all lately,” Mom states.

“You’re not trying some crazy diet, are you?” he queries. “Because you know that’s not good for you with your blood sugar the way it--”

“No, Dad, I’m not on some crazy diet,” I reply, cutting him off.

“Okay… You sure you’re alright? You look kinda pale.”

“I’m always pale.”

“Henry’s right, Alana, you do look a bit pale this morning. Are you sure you’re alright.”

“Yes, Mom, I’m sure. I just don’t have any makeup on right now so I look a little pale,” I fib.

Sandi glances over at me and furrows her brow. She knows that I don’t wear makeup, but my mother thankfully forgot that little detail about me. I guess it’s because I’m a fifteen year old girl and we usually wear makeup by now.

“So, are you girls excited for your first day of high school?” Mom asks, trying to avoid an awkward silence.

“I guess,” I mumble, taking another mouthful of eggs. I want to retch, but I force myself to keep my food down.

“Yeah!” Sandi exclaims happily and I can’t help but chuckle at my sister’s enthusiasm. But I guess if I were as popular as her then I would be excited to go to school, too.

It’s not like Sandi ignores me or anything like that at school; it’s just that her friends aren’t exactly the kind of girls I like to hang out with. They’re all too into fashion, hair, and makeup for me and it all really confuses me. Truth be told I don’t have that many friends at all. I’ve really just got my best friend, Lynn. But I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks, something about a boyfriend; I’m not too sure.

“It’s going to be so awesome! Whitney, Gaby, and me are thinking of going out for cheer.”

“That’s wonderful!” Mom smiles. “Are you thinking of going out for anything, Alana?”

“Not really. I’ve got band, but I’m not sure if I’ll stay since we’re gonna have to march and stuff… Maybe choir.”

“Oh, okay…” she says, sounding a bit disappointed.

I bite my lip.

It seems like all I ever do is disappoint her…

Imagine how disappointed she’d be if she ever found out about what happened… She’d be so ashamed of me…

“Well, I’ve gotta go get my stuff,” I say quietly as I push my seat out. I grab my plate, which I managed to clear, and set it in the sink. I walk out of the kitchen, through the living room where Kris is watching TV, and up the stairs. I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth before heading to my room.

I grab my backpack and flute case off of the floor and begin to leave the room when I catch sight of myself in the mirror. I swallow hard when I realize that Henry was right; I have lost weight and do look a bit paler than usual. Maybe I can cover it up if I put my hair down. I pull my hair out of the ponytail I had put it up in and my dark hair falls down around my face. I frown when I realize that it only makes what is shown more noticeably white. But at least my honey colored eyes stand out now.

“Alright, kids, time to leave!” Henry calls out.

I sigh and sling my bag over my shoulder, rush out of the room, down the stairs, tell my mom bye real fast, and run out the door. Kris beats me and Sandi to the car and claims shotgun so we climb on into the backseat. Kris animatedly tells Henry about how he and his friends planned to go out for the football team. Sandi fights back a chuckle at the news, probably because Kris has never been athletic and will probably break every bone in his body playing football. I’d probably laugh too if I didn’t have my mind on other things…

“Alright, girls, here’s your stop,” Henry announces as we pull up in front of the high school. “Now you’re gonna have to take the bus home since your mom and I are gonna be at work, alright?”

“Alright,” Sandi and I sigh.

“Have a good day!”

“You too,” we chorus as we slide out of the car.

“High school, isn’t it exciting, Lana?”

“Yeah, exciting,” I grumble as my eyes scan the crowds of kids congregated outside of the building, hoping to find Lynn in the sea of people.

“Oh, there’s Whitney and Gaby!” Sands exclaims. “I’m gonna go on over there. You wanna come with?”

“Nah, I’m alright,” I decline with a small smile. “Lynn should be here somewhere.”

“Alright, well, have a good day!” she calls out as she runs over to her friends.

“You too…” I reply, but it’s no use since she’s already out of earshot. “Alrighty, Lynn, where are you?” I mumble under my breath.

I spend the next five minutes looking for my friend with no luck at all. The bell rings and I let out a groan. As if this day weren’t bad enough to begin with, now I’ve gotta spend my first day without my best friend.

I walk into the building and I make my way to my assigned locker and throw in my stuff, pulling out a binder and pencil from my backpack before I shut it. I pull my schedule out of my binder and look it over; I groan again when I see that I have Geometry first hour.

Well, this day is just getting better and better by the second!

At least it can’t get any worse after this. I mean, nothing can beat nightmares all night, no friends at school, and math first hour.

I walk into the room and make a beeline straight to the back of the room, taking one of the last seats there. I sit down and open up my binder, writing down the name of the class in the corner of the paper since I have nothing better to do.

The teacher enters the room a couple minutes later and I sigh, preparing myself to be bored to death.

“Alright, I’m Mr. Widmier and this is Geometry so if you’re not supposed to be in here, I suggest you leave now and find the right class.”

A couple of kids get out of their seats, hanging their heads in embarrassment as they walk out of the room.

“Anyone else?” Mr. Widmier asks and everyone shakes their heads. “Okay, then I’m gonna take roll real fast and then we’ll go over the syllabus. Nice easy day before we get into the fun stuff,” he says with a smile as he goes behind his desk. He pulls out a white sheet of paper and a pen and starts calling out names.

I bring my attention down to the paper in front of me and I begin to doodle in the corner, drawing random patterns around the word ‘Geometry’ that I had written earlier.

“Alana Fray?”

“Here,” I reply, raising my hand a bit so he knows where I am before I go back to my scribbling.

“Brian Haner?”

My hand stops at the sound of the name and I inwardly groan. Just when I thought this day couldn’t get any worse. Of course I had to have Brian Haner in my first class of the day. It’s like God is out to make my life a living Hell today…

“Brian Haner?” Mr. Widmier calls out again, causing me to lift my head up and look around the room. No sign of Haner is to be found. Maybe God isn’t out to get me today. “Guess he’s not here,” he says and begins to mark Brian absent.

Just as he brings his pencil down to the paper a dark haired boy walks into the room.

Please, God, don’t let it be Haner. Please don’t let it be Haner.

“Your name?” Mr. Widmier asks.

“Brian Haner.”

Nevermind, God is out to make my day terrible…

“Alright, Brian. You can go ahead and take a seat in the back there next to Miss…” he glances down at his attendance sheet. “Fray. Alana, raise your hand so Brian knows where you are.”

“It’s alright, I know Alana,” Brian replies.

“Alright,” Mr. Widmier smiles before he goes back to calling roll.

I glare at Brian and he smirks at me as he takes a seat next to me.

“Hey there, Fray.”

“Leave me alone, Haner,” I mutter as I bring my attention back to my binder.

He chuckles in amusement. “I see you’re still a bitch. Glad to see some things haven’t changed.”

I roll my eyes, not bothering to look up at him since I know he still has that stupid smirk on his face. Sometimes I just wish he’d leave me alone; it’s bad enough that he’s made elementary and junior high a living nightmare for me. I thought I was going to have a freakin’ break in high school when I heard he was gonna have to go to another school out in Lakewood or some crap like that.

Guess his plans changed…

~

“Oh, you’ve gotta meet my boyfriend!” Lynn squeals as we head to lunch.

Yes, Lynn is at school. Turns out she was running late this morning and so that’s why I didn’t see her this morning before first hour. I was so freaking happy to see her smiling face in second hour, it was enough to make up for Haner’s presence in not only first hour but my second hour class, too. Turns out the jerk’s schedule has been practically identical to mine with the exception of band. He’s not in there and I am very tempted to keep that class for that simple fact alone; even if I have to march.

“Alright,” I chuckle as she drags me down the hallway to the lunchroom. “So, where is your boy toy? What’s his name anyway?” I ask I look around the cafeteria, trying to find someone that’s Lynn’s type.

“Oh! There he is!” she exclaims, completely ignoring my question as she sprints off to her boyfriend.

I run after her and stop in my tracks when I realize that she is running over to Zack Baker.

She can’t be dating him… She hates him… She must be going to someone else… Someone past Zack…

But I’m proven wrong when I see her wrap her arms around Zack with a large smile on her face.

I must be having a nightmare or something. There is no way that she would ever date Zack Baker. Because if she dates Zack then that means that I have to hang out with…

“Hey there, Fray,” a voice says from behind me and I close my eyes as I take a deep breath.

“Hi, Haner…” I grumble.

It’s official; God is out to make not only this day but my life a living Hell.