Hidden Within

I bring my hand up to my cheek, letting my fingers trace over where Brian’s lips had been, and I don’t know what to think. No one’s ever kissed my cheek like that before, and frankly, I don’t know why it is making me feel so confused. I know that it was all for show, it was all because my parents think we’re dating and he’s just trying to look like the sweet type with nothing but good intentions, but it doesn’t stop my from feeling…funny.

“Lana, sweetheart, you should get ready for bed,” my mom’s voice says, slicing through my thoughts and bringing me back to reality.

I quickly let my hand fall to my side and I turn my head to look at my mother to see a small smile tugging at her lips. She must have thought that the kiss was cute or something. I nod and make my way towards them, stopping in front of them to tell them each goodnight and give them a hug.

“Have a good night, sweetie. I love you,” Mom murmurs.

“I love you, too, Mom.”

“Goodnight, kiddo.”

“Night, Dad.” I stand up straight and bite my lip. I know that he said that he would see Brian tomorrow, but I am not totally sure if it means that he is okay with me going on this stupid date. Part of me is praying that he says no. But it is doubtful seeing as how Brian was such a hit with the family tonight. “So, it’s okay for me to go out with Brian tomorrow, right?”

“I’m going to have to think about it a little more.”

“But you said you would see him tomorrow,” I point out softly.

“That does not mean that you can go. It just means that I want to talk to him a bit more before I make up my mind.”

I simply nod my head and begin to walk towards the stairs, doing my best to push the thought of Brian and that kiss out of my head.

“Alana.”

“Yeah, Dad?” I ask as I turn around to face my step-father.

“I thought about it some more, and I think it’s safe to say that you may go out on your date tomorrow with Brian,” he says with a gentle smile and the corners of my mouth curl up.

“Really?”

“Yes; he seems like a really good kid. I like him.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. Have a good night.”

“You, too,” I reply, feeling a small relief cascade over me. We didn’t screw this up tonight; we did what we were supposed to and we did well.

I walk up the stairs and head up to the bathroom. I step into the bathroom and flip the switch on. I close the door behind me and lock it, letting out a heavy sigh as I glance into the mirror. My fingers return to my cheek and they lightly brush over the spot where his lips lingered. It’s weird how one little kiss from someone I don’t even like has made me like this. I always thought that I’d be afraid if someone were to get close to me; I always thought I’d recoil from anyone who tried to go near me, but I didn’t.

I actually kinda…liked it…

I shake my head and run my fingers through my hair; I pull one of my hair ties off of my wrist and put my hair up into a messy ponytail. I turn the sink on and stick my hands underneath the flowing tap, letting the water fill up in my hands before splashing it onto my face. I grab my facial cleanser and squeeze a small amount into the palm of my hands; I build the soap up into a nice lather and gently rub it onto my face, ignoring the tiny skip of my heart when I go over the skin Brian had kissed.

I rinse my face off, blindly reach for the hand towel hanging nearby, pull it off of the rack, and I pat my face dry. I open my eyes and place the towel back where it belongs. I grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth; I rinse out my mouth and wipe the water from my lips. I pull my hair tie out of my hair and my dark hair falls past my shoulders; I tuck my hair behind my ears, my eyes flicker up to my reflection and I bite my lip as my eyes scan over the image staring back at me. My cheeks look like they’ve gained some color to them; I don’t look quite as pale as I have been. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part. Maybe I just want to think that I’m getting better because I know just how bad I’ve let myself get…

I chew on my bottom lip and softly exhale as I look away from the mirror. I grab the doorknob and open the door, walking out of the small room and turning the light out as I make my way to my bedroom. I reach my room, turn on the light, and shut my door behind me. I cross the room to my window to shut my blinds and pause for a moment. My gaze falls onto Brian’s window for a moment and shake my head, closing the blinds. I walk over to my bed and start to change into my pajamas.

I finish pulling on my pajamas and set my dirty clothes off to the side; I’ll take care of them in the morning. I sit down on my bed and sigh, fighting the urge to go to my window. I glance over at my nightstand, my CD player sitting where I had left it earlier. I suppose listening to some music to pass the time. It sure beats watching someone play an instrument without being able to hear them. I grab the player off of the night table and I set it down onto my lap, popping it open to see if I still have Green Day in there or not. I pick up my headphones and get ready to place them onto my ears when a soft knock comes at my door.

“Come in!” I call out, resting the headphones around my neck.

Sandi pokes her head in the doorway and smiles at me. “Hey, I wasn’t sure if you were still getting ready for bed or not,” she says as she steps into the room, gently shutting the door once she’s inside.

“You have great timing. I just got done,” I reply. “What are ya doin’ here?”

“I wanted to talk to you, of course,” she answers, skipping over to my bed and plopping herself down onto the mattress.

“About what?”

“Your boyfriend, duh!”

“Oh, right… Him…” I mumble, looking down into my lap. “What is there to talk about?”

“Um, how about the fact that you bagged a total hottie!?” she exclaims with a giggle. “Lana, I know you said he was hot, but you didn’t tell me that he was freaking gorgeous!”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal,” I mumble with a shrug, not really sure what else to say. It never occurred to me to say how “gorgeous” he is because I don’t think he’s good-looking. How was I supposed to know that he’s attractive?

“Of course it’s a big deal!” She sighs, softly shaking her head. “You have no idea how luck you are. Girls would kill to be with someone as hot as him, and here you are acting completely oblivious to it.”

“I don’t think that looks are that important. I just want someone who’s sweet.”

“Oh, come on, Lana! We all say that, but we all know that deep down in there we want someone who’s good-looking; someone we don’t mind looking at every day; someone who is easy on the eyes.”

“Sandi.”

“What?”

“You can’t be that shallow.”

“I’m not saying that looks are all that matter. But they’re a huge part of it, Lana. You don’t give ugly guys the time of day unless you’re forced to spend time with them. You have to have some level of attraction going on there or you’re not going to end up anywhere.”

“Sands, it’s really that not important that he’s cute.”

“I guess you’re right. But we both know that his looks had something to do with why you said yes to him.”

“Fine, it had something to do with it,” I grumble, hoping that it’ll get her off my back about this whole Brian thing. “But can you blame me?”

“No, I can’t. I’d go weak in the knees if he did so much as smile at me. I can only imagine how you must feel when she looks at you the way he does,” she says with a smile, and I knit my brow in confusion. “Oh, come on, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about; it’s so obvious. His eyes light up and he gets a goofy smile on his face when he looks at you; you make him happy.”

“I never noticed.”

“Of course you didn’t. I think we established that you’re not very observant,” she chuckles. There’s a soft knock at the door and we exchanged confused looks.

“Yeah?” I call out, thinking that it’s only Kris wanting to ask some stupid question; probably something along the lines if he thinks Brian would be interested in coming over one day to play a stupid video game or something of the like.

“Hey, girls,” Mom smiles at us as she peeks into the room.

“Hey, Mom,” we chorus.

“I just wanted to tell Sandi goodnight and she wasn’t in her room, so I figured she’d be in here talking to you.”

“Sorry, Mom, I just wanted to talk to Lana about Brian and their date tomorrow,” Sandi replies with a small smirk on her lips.

“Sandi…” I mumble, but she doesn’t seem to hear me.

“He is something, isn’t he?” Mom smiles as she walks into the room and closes the door behind her. “He’s a sweet boy.”

“Mom…”

God, didn’t I get enough of this earlier before dinner? I really don’t want to hear about Brian and how wonderful my mother and sister think he is. They don’t know what he’s really like; they don’t know what a jerk he really is. But then again, they don’t know the truth about me and him anyway. They think that we’re this cute little couple and have no clue that it’s all a stupid little act. I guess I can’t blame them for thinking that he really likes me and all that silly little stuff.

“Lana, sweetheart, I don’t want to embarrass you. I’m just saying that you two are cute together. He’s a nice boy and he likes you very much. You should be happy that we all like him.”

“I know, Mom. But it’s not a big deal; he’s just my boyfriend.”

“He’s your first boyfriend. Mothers get excited about their daughter’s first boyfriend; you’ll understand one day when you’re a mother.”

I simply nod my head in response.

“I’m glad he was able to come over tonight. He’s a sweet boy, and very handsome, too.”

“Yeah, he is pretty cute,” I agree, rubbing the back of my neck. I hate lying to everyone like this. As if there isn’t enough that I’m keeping from them, now I’m just adding more to the list.

“So, how excited are you for your date?” Sandi asks with a large grin.

“Are you nervous?” Mom chimes in.

“Um… A little nervous,” I softly admit.

What can I say? I’ve never been on a date before. Sure, this isn’t a real date, but it’s still going out to dinner and a movie with a boy; it’s close enough to being the real thing, and that is probably why I’m a little anxious. Well, that and the fact that I’m going to have to spend a good portion of the day spending time with one of my least favorite people on the planet.

“Aw, it’ll be okay, sweetheart,” my mother assures me, walking over to my bed and sitting in the empty space beside me. “First dates are always a little nerve-wracking, but it’ll be fine. I’m sure Brian will be just as nervous as you are.”

“I doubt it…”

“He was nervous tonight, Lana,” Sandi tells me with a laugh.

“Not really…”

“Uh, yeah, he was,” she retorts. “He was practically sweating bullets when he was around Dad. He really wanted to make a good impression tonight.”

“And he did just that. But tonight was nothing compared to how nervous he’ll be tomorrow. His mind will probably be racing a thousand miles an hour as he worries about what to talk about, how to act--”

“And if he’ll get to kiss you or not,” Sandi finishes with a smirk.

“I don’t think he’ll be thinking about that one,” I tell her softly as my cheeks grow warm. I really didn’t want her to bring up the subject of me and Brian kissing in front of my mom. Of course seeing how she’s been about everything else, she’ll probably think that me and Brian kissing will be one of the most precious things on the planet.

“Sandra, don’t embarrass your sister like that.”

“Sorry, but we both know that he’ll be thinking it.”

“Anyway,” Mom chuckles, trying to transition to a more comfortable topic. “Do you know what you’re going to wear?”

“What I’m going to wear?” I ask, cocking an eyebrow at my mother.

“Yeah, you’re gonna have to have something in mind. You’re not going to go naked, are you?” Sandi kids.

“Of course not. I just never put any thought into it…” I mumble. “I didn’t realize it was a big deal…”

“And it’s not,” Mom quickly tells me before Sandi has a chance to speak, resting her hand on my shoulder. “But you may want to think about it.”

“Oh, and your hair.”

“My hair?” I ask, bringing my hand up to my hair and twisting a small section around my finger as I look down at my locks.

“Yeah, like, are you going to wear it up, are you gonna curl it, or are you just going to let keep it down? I mean, you wanna look nice for Brian and all.”

“But he’ll like you no matter what you look like,” Mom adds when she sees the panic on my face. “I’m sure he already thinks your beautiful.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he does…” I softly say under my breath. “Um, I hate to cut this short, but I think I should get to bed. Big day tomorrow; I don’t wanna be fallin’ asleep or anything,” I tack on with a forced chuckle.

“Alright, sweetie,” Mom murmurs; kissing my forehead. “You have a good night and I’ll see you in the morning. And I am here for you if you need anything, anything at all.”

“I know, Mom. Thanks,” I smile, watching my mother as she gets off of my bed and tells Sandi goodnight, telling her not to stay in here much longer so I can get some rest. She leaves the room, leaving the door ajar, and I hear her footsteps fade away as she disappears down the hallway.

“Don’t worry, Lana, I’ll help you get ready,” Sandi tells me, placing a reassuring hand over mine. “I’ll do your hair, makeup, and clothes. You’re going to look gorgeous and Brian’s going to be left starin’ at you with his jaw on the floor. You’ll be stunning.”

“Thanks, Sands,” I smile, my dark eyes meeting her bright blue orbs. “You’re the best sister a girl could ever ask for.”

“It’s not a problem, sis,” she smiles. “I’m gonna let you get to bed.”

“Alright. I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Lana,” she says, giving me a one-armed hug. “And have fun dreaming about your hot boyfriend,” she smirks as she walks to the door.

“Yeah…” Because that is exactly what I want to do; dream about Brian Haner.

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Alright.”

She closes the door and I let out a heavy sigh; my eyes scan my room and I bite my lip when my gaze lands on my window. I shake my head and shift my position on my bed, resting my back against the headboard, as I glance over at my alarm clock. It is starting to get late; I should get to bed like I had told my mom I was going to do. God knows I’m going to need to be well-rested if I’m going to have to put up with Brian tomorrow.

I take the headphones off from around my neck and place them and the CD player down onto the mattress. I turn on my lamp and get off of my bed, walking over to the light switch and turn it off.

I lie down on my bed, getting myself under my covers, and grab my headphones, placing them over my ears before I reach over and turn off my lamp. Darkness washes over the room and I rest my head on my pillow. My fingers brush over the top of the CD player and I find the play button, pressing it and letting the music flow from the headphones into my ears. My eyes fall shut and I inhale deep and even, exhaling through my mouth as I let my muscles relax.

That’s what I need to do; I need to relax. I need to forget about everything. I need to forget about this date. I need to stop feeling so guilty about lying to everyone. And I need to put everything behind me. I need to try to start living my life instead of letting myself get held back by the wound Craig left over the summer. I have to stop pushing people away and I need to find the girl that I used to be.

~

I sit up in my bed, hugging my knees in close to my chest, my eyes glued to my bedroom door. I can hear footsteps coming down the hallway, drawing closer to my room, and my heart rate accelerates. I swallow hard, my saliva practically ripping its way down my dry throat. I would get up and lock the door, but I can’t move. I can’t get myself off of my bed because part of me hopes that if I don’t move, if I stay quiet, then he won’t know that I’m in here; I think I’m safe.

My heart jumps up into my throat at sight of the doorknob as it slightly jiggle; signaling that he is on the other side of the door. I hug my knees tighter and try my best to keep my whimpering down. The door creaks open and my breath hitches up. I bite my bottom lip hard, and I see his foot slip in through the small cracked doorway. I tightly close my eyes and hide my face in my knees, not wanting to see him again. I don’t want to see him again; I never want to see him again.

My entire body goes stiff at the feeling of a hand on my shoulder and I keep my face buried in my knees. My brain is screaming for me to run, but my body isn’t letting me. Instead I’m stuck here, left to go through this whole damned thing all over again.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be that way,” his cool voice whispers, his fingers sneaking their way towards my chin. “I just wanted to say hi.”

He lifts my chin so I can look at him, but I keep my eyes firmly shut.

“Come on, Lana. Look at me.”

I shake my head, tears leaking through my closed eyelids.

“Fine, I know what will get you to open those pretty eyes of yours,” he says with a smile in his voice.

I try to ignore him; I try to block his voice out of my head; I try my hardest to not give him what he wants. His lips brush over my cheek, and I flinch, but keep my eyes closed.

“Fine, I guess you need another push.”

The tip of his nose traces over my skin and I realize that his lips are getting too close to mine. I pull myself away, opening my eyes and letting the tears flow down my face. He smirks at me, his grey eyes amused.

“That’s my girl,” he smiles. “Now, where were we?”

~

I gasp sharply, sitting up in my bed, soaked in a cold sweat. My eyes pop open and I wince, the small amount of sunlight sneaking through my window momentarily assaulting my eyes. I exhale heavily and shake my head as I run my fingers through my sweat-drenched hair.

A knock comes at my door and my eyes go to my door; the door opens and Mom sticks her head in the door, with a smile on her face. But her smile quickly disappears when she sees me.

“Lana, are you okay?” she asks, rushing to my bedside.

“Yeah, Mom, I’m fine,” I reply with my best attempt at a reassuring smile.

“You don’t look well,” she murmurs, cupping my face in her hand, her concerned eyes scanning my face.

“I’m okay. I just had a bad dream; that’s all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, it’s alright, Mom. It was just a dream. Dreams can’t hurt me.”

“Okay, sweetheart. But remember, if you want to talk, I’m here.”

“I know.”

“I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you, too, Mom. So, what are you doing up here?”

“I just wanted to see if you were awake. Lynn called a few minutes ago and I let her know that you’re allowed to go tonight. She said that she and Zacky will meet you guys at the theater.”

“Thanks for letting me go. I know you had a big part in Dad saying that it’s alright for me to go out with Brian.”

“You’d be surprised. Henry thinks Brian’s a good boy; I didn’t have to really talk him into giving the green light.”

“He really likes him?”

“Yes, he does.”

“That’s good… I was afraid you guys wouldn’t like him…” I mumble, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“We adore him; he fits right in with the family.”

“Yeah, I guess he does…” I trail off, thinking about last night.

My mom’s got a point; Brian did get along with everyone. The whole family loved him. Kris was chatting him up as if he were the big brother he never had, Sandi definitely approved, Mom simply adored him and couldn’t have been happier, and Henry even got around to joking around with him. Everyone treated him like family; he fit in so well. It’s kinda weird how well he got along with everyone.

“Yes, he does. He’s a keeper, Lana.”

“Yeah… A keeper…”

“Well, I’m going to go back downstairs and get lunch fixed up. Anything in particular you want today?”

“Nah, I’m good with whatever you fix, Mom. I’m going to take a quick shower though.”

“Alright, sweetie,” she smiles, kissing my forehead. “I’ll see you downstairs.”

“Okay.”

She leaves the room and I exhale heavily through my mouth. I glance down at my mattress and see my CD player not too far away from me; my headphones had fallen off during the night. I was probably tossing and turning around so much that they fell off. I’m surprised that the cord didn’t wrap around my neck or something; that’s what usually happens when I have rough nights.

I swing my legs to the edge of the bed and I get up onto my feet. I bite my lip and glance at the window, tempted to open my blinds and peek out across the street, but I manage to walk right past my window to my dresser for some clean clothes to change into after my shower. I make my way to the hallway, with clothes in hand, and grab a towel from the linen closet before I reach the bathroom.

I turn on the light and close the door, making sure to lock it, and I set my stuff onto the counter. I start the water in the bathtub and stick my hand underneath the steady stream of warm water, adjusting it until it’s at the right temperature. I shake my hand, sending tiny beads of water flying down into the tub, and wipe the remaining moisture off onto my pajama pants. I take off my clothes and step into the tub, switching the water from the faucet to running through the showerhead.

I turn my back to the water, tilt my head back enough to wet my hair, and grab the shampoo. I squeeze the shampoo out onto my palm and bring it up to my hair, lathering it up in my hair. I stare out at the wall in front of me and my mind wanders back to the nightmare that woke me up moments ago. So much for me trying to live life and going back to the girl that I used to be. How can I possibly manage to do that when I can’t even get through the night without a constant reminder of the damage that has been done? I’m not the same girl that I was.

I’m damaged.

I’m broken.

The Lana Fray that I was before Craig came to visit has been destroyed, and now only this shell remains.

I guess I could tell my family what happened. But what are the chances that they would believe me? And even if they did believe me, I don’t want to cause a huge rift between my parents and my aunt and uncle. It would split my family apart if this were to all come out into the open. The last thing I want to do is rip my family apart; to have my mother upset with her sister and despise her nephew.

My eyes sting as tears begin to well up in my eyes, blurring my vision. Why can’t I just hold it together? Why can’t I just be the Lana that I was before this summer? Why do I have to feel like this worthless piece of shit; this broken down, pathetic excuse for a human being? Maybe if I had done things differently, if I hadn’t spent so much time with Craig, then I wouldn’t have to be going through this. Maybe if I had just gone to visit my dad, like I was supposed to, then he wouldn’t have had the chance to…

I shake my head, softly telling myself that it wasn’t my fault. It’s the only thing that I can tell myself to keep from breaking down. But it doesn’t do much good when I know that I must have done something to have made him even think it was okay. If I hadn’t ignored all of the weird feelings I would get in the pit of my stomach then I would be the same Lana I was before all this.

I would be happy.

Truly happy.

I could have friends without questioning why someone is being so nice to me. I could even have a boyfriend. A real boyfriend. Not one that I have to pretend to date against my will but someone I could talk to, laugh with, share my hopes and dreams with. Someone to hold me, to make me feel safe, protected, and loved. But at this rate I may never get that. At this rate it looks like Brian is going to be the closest thing to a boyfriend I’ll ever have.

I finish up my shower, turn off the water, and step out onto the bathmat. I grab my towel and dry myself off, wrapping it around my hair to soak up the water. I pull on my clothes and unwrap the towel from my head, running the towel over my hair to get anymore excess water out. I gather up my pajamas and head out of the bathroom; I go back to my room to pick up my dirty clothes from last night before I head downstairs. I go through the kitchen and drop everything off in the hamper sitting in the laundry room.

“Feel better, sweetheart?” Mom asks with a smile as I reenter the kitchen.

“Mmhmm,” I nod.

“Great,” she grins. “Lunch is almost ready.”

“Awesome; what are ya makin’?” I ask, walking over to her and resting my chin on her shoulder.

“Chicken strips and tater tots.”

“Sounds great. Do you need any help?”

“Nah, it’s alright, sweetie. I’ve pretty much got it here. I’ll call you guys when it’s done.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I smile, kissing her cheek before I head out to the living room, where my siblings are sitting around watching TV.

“Hey, Lana,” Kris mumbles, his eyes fixated on the television.

“Hey,” I reply, taking a seat next to Sandi on the couch. “What are we watching?”

“No clue. Kris picked it out and I’ve been trying to figure out what it is for the last ten minutes with no luck,” she replies, turning her head to look at me. “So, are you getting excited?”

“Eh, I guess,” I reply with a shrug.

“Any idea what you wanna wear?”

“Um, I figured this,” I reply, gesturing to the baggy blue top and old jeans I have on.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Um… Yes?” I ask, not really sure what the right answer is. I figured it must be yes since she looks like she’s about to have a heart attack. “What am I supposed to wear?”

“Something cute, something fun, something a little sexy--”

“I’m trying to watch TV here!” Kris interjects.

“We’re not being that loud; just ignore us,” Sandi retorts. “Anyway, you need to look just a little put together. This is a date, not just some regular day at school.”

“I know, but everything I own is just for a regular day at school.”

“I’m sure you have something lying around in that closet of yours. And even if you don’t it isn’t a big deal because I have some stuff you can try on.”

“Alright, sounds good.”

“And your hair?”

“Let it dry and brush it.”

“Lana, don’t you wanna look nice for Brian? I mean--”

“If he likes me then he’ll like me even if I don’t look nice.”

“But it’s a date. Think about how happy he’ll be to see you look all dolled up and gorgeous. He’ll get a big smile on his face, he’ll tell you that you look beautiful, your heart will flutter and you’ll blush--”

“Sandi, this isn’t some stupid little movie or TV show. People don’t do that.”

“Yes, they do, Lana. Now when is he going to pick you up?”

“He told Dad he’d be her around 4:30.”

“Great, we have plenty of time to get you all pretty and you’ll get to see exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Sandi--”

“God, will you two just shut up and let me watch TV?” Kris groans. “You two are worse than a couple of Valley Girls!”

“Kris, do you even know what a Valley Girl is?” Sandi queries, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, dumb girls.”

Sandi rolls her eyes at him and lets out an audible breath. “So, anyway, Lana, you should, like, totally, like, let me get you all pretty and stuff. Brian will be, like, so stunned when he sees you, and he’ll, like, think you’re, like, really pretty.”

I can’t help but chuckle at her while Kris lets out a frustrated groan. A small smirk pulls at my sister’s lips and she faces Kris, flashing him a wide grin as he glares daggers at her.

“Lunch is ready!” Mom calls out from the kitchen.

Kris scoffs, grabbing the remote and turning off the TV before he gets up to his feet and leaves the room. Sandi breaks into a fit of giggles and I chuckle lightly at her as I stand up to go to the dining room. We make our way into the dining room where Kris and Henry are sitting. Henry must have been working on something in his den; that’s where he usually is when he isn’t out in the living room with us on the weekends.

“Hey there, girls,” my step-father greets us as we walk into the room.

We greet him in return, taking our seats at the table as Mom places food out in the middle of the table.

“Oh, my God, Lana,” Sandi says with a mock gasp. “Mom, like, totally made chicken strips!”

“What got into you?” Henry asks her as he gets a piece of chicken and sets it on his plate.

“She’s just annoying Kris,” I reply as I put some tater tots on my plate. “He called us a couple of Valley Girls, and now Sandi is showing him just how much of a Valley Girl she can be.”

“And it’s, like, so much fun! I feel, like, a million times smarter, and, like, a billion times prettier!” she adds on with it flip of her sandy blonde hair.

“Sandra, stop,” Henry sighs. “You’re killing your brain cells.”

“Henry, be nice,” Mom tells him as she sits down at the table.

“Nah, Mom, Dad’s right; I was killing brain cells,” Sandi smiles, adding some food to her plate. “I could feel them dying; it was not a good thing.”

“My brain cells were dying,” I chuckle, lifting my glass of water to my lips.

“You two are so silly,” Mom smiles as she gets her food.

“But you wouldn’t have us any other way,” Sandi grins, taking a bite of her chicken.

“That’s right. I love you both just the way you are.”

A smile pulls at my lips and I bite my lip, looking down at my plate. I didn’t grab much, just a handful of tater tots and two chicken strips, but it looks like I got more than I’ll be able to eat. I pick up a tater tot and nibble it, my stomach churning once the small bit of food touches my tongue. I slowly chew my food and instantly regret getting so much to eat.

I wonder how I’m going to fare tonight. Brian’s seemed to notice my eating habits lately, and I don’t want to go through another round of questioning from him. Hell, I don’t want him to talk to me at all. I can see him now, glaring at me like he does at lunch. He’d probably even find a way to corner me and ask if he’s the reason I’m not eating. Because, apparently, having him call me a fat ass all the time really knocks down my self-esteem to the point where I purposefully starve myself to meet his stupid standards. How full of himself can he get to actually think that his opinion really affects the way I eat?

“You’ve hardly touched your food, Lana. Are you feeling alright?” Henry’s voice cuts through my thoughts.

I look up from my plate and smile at him, gently nodding my head. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“She’s probably just a little nervous about her date, that’s all,” Mom joins in.

“Yeah, just making sure I’m not too full to eat dinner,” I add on.

“Well, he’s picking you up at four thirty. I’m sure that you’ll have plenty of room by then.”

“Right… I guess I forgot…” I trail off, picking up a piece of chicken and taking a bite.

“Well, just remember that you shouldn’t be afraid to eat in front of Brian tonight,” he comments.

“But don’t pig out; it isn’t ladylike to do so,” Mom quickly tacks on.

“If he holds the door for you make sure you thank him.”

“And remember to avoid just talking about yourself the whole time; take an interest in him.”

“And--”

“Mom, Dad, I think she knows what to do and what not to do,” Sandi quickly cuts in, saving me from my parents advice. “You’re just going to make her nervous.”

“Sorry,” Mom says softly. “I guess we’re just a little anxious about tonight. We just want everything to go well.”

“And it will. She’ll just get more nervous if she’s got your voices running through her head reminding her what to do and what not to do.”

“Alright; we’ll stop,” Henry concedes. “But I want to add one last thing.”

“Dad, please don’t--”

“No kissing.”

“Dad!”

“Henry!”

“Gross,” Kris mumbles. “I’m trying to eat.”

“I’m just letting her know that she shouldn’t--”

“Don’t worry, Dad,” I pipe up in hopes to be able to calm everyone down. “I have no intentions on kissing Brian tonight.”

“Good,” he says with a curt nod, and the rest of the table falls silent.

God, if I had known that my parents were going to be like this about my date then I would have never let Lynn lie about me and Brian. I don’t remember anyone ever being like this about Sandi and her boyfriends. But then again, Henry’s always said that Sandi’s boyfriends don’t count because it wasn’t as if she was actually going out anywhere with them, at least that he knew of, as far as he was concerned Sandi and her ex-boyfriends only saw each other at school. She was the smart one.

I return to my food, giving my best try to eat with my stomach being so uncooperative. After a couple more bites of chicken my stomach begins to settle and I’m able to eat a good portion of my food, leaving behind a few tater tots and about half of my second chicken strip. It’s quite possibly the most I’ve eaten in months without feeling like I’m completely forcing myself to keep everything down in my stomach.

“You done, sis?”

I nod my head, swallowing the last bit of tater tot I have in my mouth.

“Well, me and Lana are gonna go upstairs to get her lookin’ prettier and stuff!” Sandi announces as she finishes up her lunch. She gets up from her chair and I push my seat out enough so I can stand up. “Come on, sis; I’m gonna make you look super beautiful!” she smiles, linking her arm with mine.

“Alright,” I chuckle. “Thanks for lunch, Mom. It was delicious.”

“Yeah, it was great!” Sandi grins.

“You’re welcome, girls,” she smiles at us.

“Do you want help with dishes or anything?” I ask as Sandi begins to pull at my arm.

“It’s alright, sweetie. I’ll get it when everyone’s done. You go on upstairs and get ready.”

“Alright.”

“We’ll be back when she’s all beautified!” Sandi calls out as she leads me out of the room and towards the stairs.

“Sands, I really don’t need to get all pretty and stuff,” I tell her as she drags me up the stairs. “I’m sure Brian won’t care what I look like.”

“Lana, it’s your first date. Please just let me have some fun with this and dress you up for once.”

“But what if Lynn doesn’t dress up and I do? I’ll feel like an idiot.”

“Believe me; Lynn’s going to look nice tonight. You won’t feel like an idiot. Besides, I’m not trying to get you all glammed up or anything like that. We’re going for a dressy casual look. Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing,” she replies with a smile as she walks me into my room.

I take a seat on my bed and sigh. “So, what’s first?”

“First we are going to find you something to wear,” she answers, shutting my bedroom door and heading straight towards the closet.

“You’re not going to find anything date worthy in there,” I tell her as she begins to search through my closet.

“You never know!” she says in a sing-song voice. “I’m sure you must have something nice in here. Something that isn’t some ratty band tee or just plain baggy…”

“Good luck,” I mumble as I swing my legs out in front of me. “Anything you want me to do?”

“Find some jeans that aren’t worn out at the bottoms of the legs.”

“Alright.”

I pull myself off of my bed and walk over to my dresser, opening the second drawer on the right hand side and start digging through all of my pants. I pull out a pair of jeans and look them over, tossing them aside when I see that they’re frayed at the bottoms from where I’ve walked on them. It isn’t exactly uncommon for my jeans to look like this, I’m short and finding jeans that are my size and aren’t a bit too long is difficult; it’s going to be almost impossible to find jeans that aren’t frayed at the bottoms.

I grab the last pair of jeans left in the drawer and sigh; they’re frayed too. I knew I didn’t have any that weren’t worn out at the bottoms. I start to put away all of my jeans, and Sandi tosses a couple of shirts onto my bed. I scrunch up my face as I put the last of my jeans back into the dresser drawer, wondering where the hell I got those shirts in the first place. I don’t recognize them at all. One of them is a navy blue top and the other is a long sleeved purple shirt with some sort of weird sash or tie around it… I don’t really know how to describe it. That’s how bad I am with clothes and all things fashion.

“Where did you find those?” I ask, pointing to the shirts on my bed.

“Back of your closet. Way back in your closet. I had to get past all the hoodies, jackets, and coats to get to them.”

“I don’t even know when I got them.”

“I do,” she replies as she closes the closet. “Aunt Carly got them for you for Christmas. Remember? You opened up the box, saw them, gave her a fake smile and thanked her for them.”

“Oh yeah… I forgot about that…”

“Did you find some good jeans?”

“Nope, all of them are torn up at the bottoms. Sorry, I can’t help it; my legs are too short for my jeans.”

“It’s alright; I’ve got some jeans that should fit you. I shall return!” she calls out as she skips towards the door.

“Yippie!” I mumble under my breath. I let out an audible sigh and look around my room. My eyes land on my window and I bite my lip. It wouldn’t hurt if I opened my blinds for a little bit.

I take a couple steps towards my window and reach for the wand to open the blinds. I peek out through the spaces between the blinds and look at the house across the street. My eyes fall on his window and I can see him in his room, sitting on his bed and talking to a woman, who I assume to be his step-mom. I wonder what they’re talking about; maybe he’s getting a talk on proper dating behavior, too.

A smile pulls at my lips when I see him smile at her and give her a hug. It’s kinda cute to see him like that with his family. I never really pegged him as someone who really cared much for his family, but it looks like he really does. It’s sweet… Really sweet…

“And I’m back!” Sandi exclaims, cutting through my thoughts and bringing my attention back to the task at hand, getting me pretty for my date.

“Great, did you find anything?” I ask, quickly turning around to face her.

“Yes, I did!” she grins, setting down not only jeans, but shirts as well. “We’ve got plenty of options here! Oh, and I’ve got shoes to go with everything, too! Don’t you love being the same size?”

“Yeah, it’s fantastic,” I grumble. If we weren’t the same size then I’d be able to wear my worn out jeans, comfy shoes, and a baggy top on this stupid date.

“So, I found this gorgeous top that would look amazing on you!” she starts, holding up an olive green V neck tee. “I also grabbed this pink--”

“No pink,” I interject. “I hate pink. I’m not wearing it.”

“Fine, no pink. But what about this cute peach shirt?” she asks, holding up an off shoulder peach colored tunic.

“Won’t my bra show?”

“I’ve got a strapless bra you can wear, too.”

God, I hate being the same size as her…

“Now, I was thinking that you could go with this purple top and pair it with this pair of flared jeans,” she starts, matching up the items in question on my bed so I can see them together.

“Looks great. I’ll wear it!”

“Ah! I’m not done yet!” she scolds. “Next I was thinking of the tunic with a pair of dark wash skinny jeans. It looks adorable and I have the perfect shoes and accessories to go with it!” She places the paired items next to the other outfit she just made and I watch her as she goes through and matches everything up.

To be quite honest I’m not sure why she matched up the items that she did. I don’t think it would have really mattered if she put the tunic with the black flared jeans or the skinny jeans with the navy top. They all look like clothes to me, and they all look like things I would never wear.

“So, which one do you like the best?” she asks me as she rounds the bed and stands next to me, looking over her handiwork with a proud smile on her face.

My eyes sweep over the selection and I grimace. None of these are very appealing to me at all. I still don’t understand why I can’t just wear a pair of frayed jeans and one of my band tees on this stupid date that isn’t even a real date. I bite my lip and my gaze falls on the purple shirt and flared jeans; it’s the one that covers me up the most and looks like it’s be comfortable.

“I like the purple shirt and flared jeans,” I answer.

“Alright, well, I really like the tunic and skinny jeans.” She takes a step towards the bed and examines the clothes lying there once more. “But the navy shirt is just plain adorable and would look gorgeous with your skin being so fair. What are you guys gonna be doing?”

“Umm… Date stuff?”

“I mean what are you guys going to be doing while you’re out, are you going to be playing mini golf, go bowling, see a movie, that sort of thing.”

“Oh… I think we’re just going out to eat and then catching a movie.”

“Where are you going to be eating?”

“I dunno,” I shrug. “I guess someplace kinda nice but not too expensive…” At least it better not be expensive; I don’t have a whole bunch of cash on me since I’m going to be buying a skateboard and shit.

“Then I’m saying no to these two outfits,” she says, pointing at the navy shirt ensemble and the olive shirt one. “Why don’t you try the peach and then the purple out then?”

“Try them on?”

“Yeah, I wanna see what you look like in them before I make my final decision. I’m going to make you all pretty, remember? I need to see which one is going to make Brian’s jaw drop to the floor.”

“Sandi, nothing is going to make his jaw dr--”

“Lana, like I’ve said countless times before, you don’t see the way he looks at you. He really likes you, and seeing you all dolled up is going to let him see just what a beauty you are. Guys love it when they see their girl all pretty and stuff, especially if she doesn’t dress up very often.”

“Fine… Which one do you want me to try first?” I grumble as I cross my arms over my chest.

“The purple,” she replies, grabbing the clothes off of the bed. “You go ahead and change; I’m going to go grab some shoes so I have a better idea what the finished product is going to look like.”

“Alright,” I sigh, taking the clothes from her hands.

She squeals excitedly and bustles out of the room, making sure to close the door behind her; I mutter under my breath as I toss the clothes back onto the bed and start to change into the first outfit. At least she narrowed it down to two instead of making me try all four. And thank God she didn’t think of any more than four.

I head towards my dresser and I grab a bra out of my underwear drawer before I start to try on the shirt. I pull off my baggy shirt, put on my bra, and put on the purple shirt. I take off my tattered jeans and slip on the neat flared pair. I purse my lips and play with the weird little sash thingy around my waist, not really sure what to do with it. I can’t really tie it into a bow, that would just look silly; but it also looks odd with it left loose.

A knock comes at the door. “You done in here?” Sandi asks.

“Yeah, I think so.”

The door creaks open and she sticks her head in, smiling when she sees me. “Well, don’t you look cute?”

“I guess. I don’t know what to do with this thing, though,” I mumble, playing with the ties around my waist.

“Hmm… I’m not sure… We could tie it up, but that may not work very well. We’ll figure it out later if that’s the one we go with. Put on these shoes; I wanna see what it looks like,” she tells me, holding out a pair of cute black flats.

“Fine.”

She sets the shoes on the floor and I slip my feet into them. “How do shoes give you a better--”

“It’s not enough,” she cuts me off, shaking her head from side to side. “It’s too close to what you’d normally wear. Try the other outfit. And I got you this,” she adds on, tossing a strapless bra onto the bed. “It’s going to feel a little funny at first, but it’s better than showing your bra straps to the world.”

“Alright,” I sigh, not seeing a point in arguing with her on this. I grab the bra and turn my back to her, taking off the shirt and removing my bra, replacing it with the strapless one. I turn around and take the shirt off the bed, tugging it over my head, and then change into the skinny jeans. I make a face, not too happy with how tight the skinny jeans are compared to my usual pairs. I smooth out the shirt and bite my lip as I walk to the mirror, trying to get my best look at this outfit. The last one felt comfortable, almost like my regular clothes so I figured I looked like myself, but this… this one feels different.

“This is it!” she exclaims, clapping her hands together excitedly. “You look perfect!”

“You don’t need to see the shoes with this one?”

“No, because it’s already perfect! It’s still cute, but it’s got just a little sex appeal to it. Brian’s going to be drooling all over you!”

I inwardly cringe. The last thing in the world I want is for Brian to be drooling over me. I don’t even want him to do so much as look at me. I don’t like it when he looks at me. I feel like he’s evaluating me, judging me. He always seems to be watching my every move, taking note of the little things that I’ve been doing, and I don’t like it.

“I don’t know, Sandi, maybe it’s a bit much…”

“It’s perfect! It shows off your curves, but it doesn’t look slutty. You look great, Lana. And I know exactly what to do with your hair and makeup now! You’re going to be breathtaking. God, I wanna be there to see Brian’s face when he comes to pick you up because he’s going to be in awe!”

“Alright; so, now what?”

“Now we move on to hair and makeup,” she smiles. “And after that it’s time for you to knock your boyfriend off his feet.”

~

“Don’t bite your lip,” Sandi gently scolds. “I’m trying to put on your lip gloss and that is very hard to do when you’re gnawing on your bottom lip all the time.”

“Sorry, I just wish I could see what you’ve done to me.”

“I’m almost done, don’t be so antsy. You’ll see it soon enough and I think that you are going to be very happy with the results.”

“Okay,” I sigh, resisting the urge to bite on my lip. I never realized how much I bite my lip until now.

She runs the small wand of gloss over my lips and instructs me to rub my lips together, and I quickly comply, relieved to move my lips. She takes a step back and looks over my face; a smile crosses her face, and I can see that she is admiring her handiwork. She brings a hand up to my hair and gently sweeps my hair to the side, nodding her head gently.

“Alright; you’re done!” she announces. “And you look gorgeous, if I do say so myself!”

“Can I see now?”

“Yes, you may,” she grins, moving out of the way of the mirror.

I look at my reflection and almost have to do a double take to make sure that it is really me staring from the reflective surface. I bring my hand up to my face and run my fingertips over my right cheek. It’s amazing.

I look… pretty.

Even better, I look healthy. I’m still pale, but my cheeks have a little bit of color to them, giving me a healthy glow. My honey-colored eyes seem to sparkle and my full lips don’t look chapped and dull. My hair isn’t straight and flat like it usually is; my long dark brown locks are now cascading down my shoulders in loose waves and she somehow created the illusion of side-swept bangs. She did the impossible; she made me look pretty.

“So, what do you think?” Sandi asks with a smirk on her lips.

“It looks amazing,” I reply, still in awe at how different I look. It’s not like she did my makeup heavy or anything; far from it. It’s light and I feel like my skin can breathe, so I can tell it’s not caked on my face. But there is something different and it’s noticeable. I just can’t place my finger on it.

“Well, we just need to put on your jewelry and shoes and you’ll be ready to go!” She glances at my clock. “He should be here in five minutes.”

“Cutting it pretty close, huh?” I chuckle.

“Perfection takes time, my dear sister.”

“Thanks you for doing this for me, Sands. Really, thanks,” I tell her softly as I rise to my feet.

“It’s not a problem,” she smiles. “Now, earrings and necklace.” She holds out a pair of medium sized silver hoop earrings and a cross necklace with a small gem in the center. “Shoes are right by your bed.”

“Alright, thanks.”

I take the earrings from her and put them in, then put on the necklace. I walk over to my bed and see the shoes she’s talking about, a pair of silver sequenced flats are resting beside my bed and I slide my feet inside.

“So, how do I look?”

“Perfect.”

The doorbell rings and I start to head towards the door, but she stops me.

“He can wait a couple minutes. He’s three minutes early.”

“But what if Dad plays Twenty Questions again?”

“Fine,” she sighs. “But you are so letting me stick around to see his face when he sees you.”

“Okay, now let’s go before Dad gets the door,” I say, hustling towards the door and making my way down the stairs. The sooner I get out of here, the sooner this date will be over.

I make it to the last step and groan when I hear Henry’s voice. He beat us to the door and now he’s chatting up Brian. I take a deep breath and make the last step down, and I see Henry, Mom, and Brian all by the front door. They all stop talking and my parents turn their heads to look at me. Mom’s got a huge smile on her face, while Henry looks like he’s about to tell me to go grab a jacket to cover myself up.

My eyes flicker to Brian and I can’t tell what kind of expression he’s making. All I can tell is that he hasn’t blinked in a while and staring is not a good look for him. I give a small smile at him and he finally blinks, the corners of his mouth turning up a little bit.

“Sorry, to keep you waiting,” I mumble as I walk towards them.

“It’s alright; I’m early,” he replies, his eyes fixated on me.

“Lana, don’t you think you should--”

“Get on going?” Mom quickly cuts Henry off. “We don’t want you guys to be late.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“I’ll have her home by ten, sir,” Brian tells my step-father.

“Alright; you two have a good time. And, Lana, remember what we talked about earlier,” he tells me with a pointed look. He must be talking about that no kissing thing.

“I will.”

“You two have fun, and if you need more time just find a phone to call and let us know,” Mom smiles.

“But ten is preferable,” Henry quickly tacks on.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure ten will be fine,” Brian assures them.

“Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad,” I tell them, giving them quick hugs as I start to make my way out the door with Brian.

“Bye, kiddo.”

“Bye, sweetie. And you can forget what your father was talking about. If you want to, then you can.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

I finally make it out of the house and close the door behind me, letting out a soft sigh.

“Sorry about them. I guess the first date’s a big deal,” I mumble.

“It’s alright. I like your family.”

“They can’t hear you; you don’t have to suck up, Haner.”

“I’m not sucking up. I really like your family,” he replies sincerely.

“Oh…” I bite the inside of my lip and look out to the street. “Where’s your step-mom?”

“She’s at home. She and Dad wanted to meet you. I know I should have told you sooner, but--”

“It’s alright, Haner. You met mine; the least I can do is meet yours.”

“Thanks.”

“So, let’s get on over there,” I announce, starting to take a step forward, but stop when I realize that Brian’s not moving. “What is it?”

“I just… I wanted to tell you that you look really nice,” he murmurs, his dark eyes meeting mine.

“Thanks,” I reply, my voice soft like a whisper, and my face grows warm. “You do, too,” I add, taking note of his outfit; he’s dressy casual, too. “But you know you didn’t have to say that, right?”

“I know. I just wanted to.” A small smirk pulls at his lips and he brings his hand up to my face, running his thumb over my cheekbone. “You’re really pretty, Sunshine.”