Hidden Within

I quietly close the front door and bite my bottom lip in an attempt to hide the smile on my face. I lift my right hand to my cheek once again and my fingertips trace where his lips had been. I know that he kissed my cheek because he thought that Suzy was watching us, just like he had kissed my cheek last night when he came to meet Mom and Henry, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling…funny. I don’t really know how to describe it, really. I just know that every time he kisses my cheek, my heart has to calm itself down, my face has to cool off, and I have to fight the smile that pulls at my lips. But I don’t know why I feel this way, and I wish I did.

“You’re home early.”

“Huh?” I ask, looking up to see my step-father standing in the entry way with a smile on his face.

“You needed to be home by ten. Brian got you home five minutes early.”

“Oh.” My eyes flicker over to the clock up on the living room wall and I see that he’s right; Brian got me home five minutes early. “Yeah, he made sure we’d be home in time. He didn’t want you to hate him if he brought me home a minute late or anything.”

A small smile pulls at Henry’s lips. “He’s a good guy, Lana.”

“Yeah,” I nod softly. “He is.”

“Did you have a good time on your date?”

“Mmhmm,” I nod again. “I did. We saw Twister and then we went to that Italian place over by the theater for dinner. I actually have leftovers right here,” I comment, lifting the Styrofoam container up even though he can probably see it since he’s standing only a couple feet in front of me.

“And you have cookies?”

“Oh, I met Brian’s parents before we left for the date. His step-mom, Suzy, made me cookies. She packed some up in this Ziploc bag for me. They’re really good.”

“That’s good. You should get ready for bed. I’ll take care of your food; put the leftovers in the fridge and hide the cookies so Kris doesn’t find them.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I smile.

“You’re welcome, Lana,” he tells me as he takes the Styrofoam container and cookies from me. “And Lana?”

“Yeah, Dad?”

“I’m glad that you had a good time on your date.”

“Me, too,” I smile. “Goodnight, Dad.”

He smiles and kisses my forehead. “Goodnight, kiddo.”

I softly nod my head and begin to walk towards the staircase. I glance into the living room and I notice that Mom isn’t sitting on the couch watching TV or reading a book like she usually does every night. My brow knits together and I bite the inside of my lip. I figured that she would be sitting in the living room, waiting to ask me about my date, but instead she is nowhere in sight. I guess she wasn’t as excited about the date as I thought she was, but I guess that’s alright. I release a heavy sigh and start to make my way up the steps.

I reach the upstairs landing and I head down the hall to my room. I step inside my room, turn on the light, and close the door behind me. I run my fingers through my hair, slip off my shoes, and go over to my dresser. I pull open the top right drawer and pull out a fresh set of pajamas to change into. I look at the clothes in my hands and I tap my foot, debating if I should just wash my face tonight and wait to take a shower in the morning or not. I did take a shower earlier this morning, so I guess it wouldn’t hurt if I waited until the morning, especially since I don’t have plans to go anywhere tomorrow and Sandi didn’t have to put a whole bunch of product in my hair when she styled it. I take a couple steps towards my bed and I toss the pajamas down onto the mattress.

I glance at my window for a moment to ensure that the blinds are closed and I change out of the outfit Sandi chose for me. I pull off the orange top and toss it onto the floor before picking up the baggy blue t-shirt I chose and tugging it on. I smooth the shirt out a little before I take off my jeans. I step out of my jeans, kicking them off to the side to join the orange top. I slip into my black pajama shorts and a smile pulls at my lips. The clothes that I was wearing weren’t exactly uncomfortable; they just weren’t me so they just didn’t feel as nice as a baggy shirt and a comfortable pair of shorts or jeans.

I take off the strapless bra that Sandi had loaned me and pick the discarded clothes up off of the floor. I take a quick glance at the floor to make sure that I grabbed everything and head out the door to toss the dirty clothes into the laundry hamper downstairs. I make the quick trip down the stairs, through the kitchen, and into the laundry room to put my dirty clothes away. I briskly walk through the kitchen and dining area and turn the light off once I make it through the rooms. I glance into the living room and see Henry watching the evening news, but there is still no sign of my mom. I bite the inside of my lip, debating if I should ask him where she is, but I shake my head, deciding against it.

I head back upstairs and make a stop in the bathroom to wash the makeup off of my face. I open a small drawer and pull out a black elastic band to tie my hair up. I thread my dark brown hair through the band a couple of times, forming a loose-fitting ponytail, before I turn on the sink. I stick my left hand underneath the steady stream of water, adjusting the temperature with my right hand until it’s satisfactory. I look up at the mirror in front of me and I take one last look at Sandi’s handiwork. I still find it hard to believe that the person looking back at me is myself; that a little bit of makeup was able to take me from pale and sickly to pretty and fresh-faced, but it did.

I bite my lip and lift my right hand to my cheek, tracing the place where Brian’s lips had been. Again, a tiny smile tugs at my lips, and I draw them into a thin line in an attempt to keep the smile at bay. I shake my head and silently scold myself for the involuntary action. The thought of that kiss should be making me want to scrub my cheek until it’s raw, not making me smile. But for some weird reason, he didn’t make me cringe, he didn’t scare me. For some reason, I felt comfortable, I felt normal. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a regular girl; I was just a regular girl on a date with a guy that she really likes. Even though I can’t stand Brian and I’m not an ordinary girl, I still felt as if I was.

I softly scoff at the thought that just ran through my mind and I shake my head as I cup my hands and stick them underneath the flow of water. I lean forward and splash the warm water onto my face. I wipe the water away from my eyes, peek to find my face wash, and reach out for the tube of cleanser once I spot it. I open the cap and squeeze a small amount of cleanser onto my hand. I set the tube back down onto the counter and I rub my hands together to create a foamy lather before putting the face wash onto my face. I massage the soap onto my skin for a few seconds, making sure that I get the makeup off, and I stick my hands back underneath the faucet, letting them fill up with water once again.

I splash a couple handfuls of water onto my face, making sure that I rinse everything off, and I blindly reach for the hand towel. I pull the towel off of the rack and pat my face dry. I set the hand towel back onto the rack and I pull the elastic out of my hair, letting my dark brown locks fall past my shoulders. My gaze falls on my reflection and I can clearly see the difference that the makeup had made. The dark circles underneath my eyes are prominent again, my cheeks have lost that healthy glow, and my skin looks ghostly pale like it usually does, the only exception being the freckles scattered across my nose and cheeks. I’m back to the damaged girl that fears going to sleep at night because she never knows when another nightmare will creep into my mind, the girl that fears the next family reunion or visit from my aunt’s family because that means seeing him again.

I’m back to being broken…

I exhale shakily through my mouth and close my eyes as I inhale deeply through my nose, trying to keep myself from crying; crying because I don’t want to be broken and damaged; crying because I want so much to be that normal girl that I felt like for that brief moment on the porch with Brian. I open my eyes and look at the girl staring back at me. A year ago, I would have never imagined that I would look like this, that I would feel so empty and worthless inside. I never thought that a member of my own family could scare the living shit out of me. It is crazy how much can change in a single year, in one summer, in a month, or in just a day. Isn’t it weird how one moment can change your entire life? How one event can turn you into a person that you never dreamed of becoming; into a person you can’t even recognize?

A rogue tear rolls down my cheek and I sniffle, lifting my hand up to wipe the tear away. I blink a couple of times to keep any others from possibly slipping out. I don’t want to run the risk of Sandi seeing me cry because then she’s only going to assume that I’m crying because the date didn’t go well, and I can’t have her thinking that. Especially when the date actually went alright; well, as alright as a date with Brian could go. I let out a heavy sigh and finish getting ready for bed.

“Everything’s okay,” I softly assure myself once I finish brushing my teeth, staring at myself in the mirror. “It’s okay.”

I gently nod my head and walk out of the bathroom, making my way back to my room. I close the door behind me and I walk to my nightstand to turn on my lamp. I stop by the small night table for a moment and my gaze falls onto my window. I bite my lip and take a couple steps towards the window. It wouldn’t hurt to just take one look outside; it’s not too late, so he could be playing his guitar before he goes to bed. I reach for the blinds wand to sneak a peek outside. A soft knock comes at the door, and I jump a little, quickly letting my hand fall to my side.

“Um… Who is it?” I call out unsurely. I watch the door open a little bit and Mom peeks inside. “Oh, hi, Mom,” I tell her, a small smile pulling at my lips.

“Hi, sweetie,” she grins. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” I reply, stepping away from the window to sit down on my bed. “I was kinda wondering where you were.”

“You were?” she queries, stepping inside my room and softly closing the door behind her.

“Well, I just… You seemed so excited about me going on this date that I figured you would have been sitting in the living room waiting to talk to me about it or something.”

“Well, I would have, but I thought that you probably would have needed some time to yourself, get ready for bed and stuff like that before we talked about it. So, now that you’ve had some time to get ready for bed and relax a little; how did the date go?”

“It was good,” I reply with a slight nod.

“What did you do?” she asks with a smile.

“Well, we saw a movie and then we went to dinner afterward.”

“What movie did you guys see?”

“We went to see Twister, even though Lynn really wanted to see Romeo + Juliet.”

“Oh, that looked like a pretty good movie. Did you like it?”

“It was okay, but I’ve seen better movies.”

“I see, well, did Brian like it?”

“He felt about the same way as I did, I think. Um, we actually started to make fun of the movie a little bit towards the end,” I tell her with a light chuckle as I remember the moment.

“Well, it sounds like you at least enjoyed that,” she smiles.

“It was kinda fun. I don’t know; it was kinda nice to talk to someone else about how predictable movies are sometimes. Um, after the movie, we all walked over to that little Italian place near the theater.”

“The new one?”

“Um, I guess it’s new. I don’t really know. I never really paid much attention to the places around the theater before.”

“Well, I think it’s only been there for four or five months, so it’s not completely new. Is the food good there?”

“Yeah, it’s great,” I answer with a smile. “I actually brought home some leftovers and you’re welcome to them, if you want to try.”

“That’s fine, sweetie. That’s yours. I’ll just have to convince Henry to take me there sometime.”

“It’s a really good place.”

“So, I heard about the movie and dinner, what about Brian?”

“Brian’s…” I pause to think about the right word to use and a genuine smile tugs at my lips. “He’s great. I mean, he’s incredible, really. He was a total gentleman, you know? He did it all, he held doors open for me, he paid for my movie ticket, he pulled my chair out for me at dinner, and he even paid for my dinner. I just... He kinda surprised me tonight. He was just…”

“Perfect?” Mom asks with a tiny smirk playing on her lips.

“Yeah, he was. He was perfect,” I softly agree, biting down on my lip a little. I can’t believe that I just admitted that Brian Haner, Jr. was perfect at something.

There’s a knock at the door, and I look to see Sandi poking her head in. “Hey, sister,” she grins, and I can tell by the gleam in her eye that she’s more than excited to ask me about my date with Brian.

“Come on in, Sandi,” I chuckle, waving for her to come join me and Mom.

“So, I’m sure that Mom already asked you this, but how was the date?” she asks as she sits down beside Mom.

“It was great,” I answer, starting to feel a little bit like a broken record.

“What’d ya guys do?”

“We saw Twister and then we went to eat at that Italian place by the theater. Nothing really special. Well, I did get to meet his parents, but I guess that’s only fair since he met you guys.”

“Oh, you didn’t tell me that you met his parents!” Mom exclaims. “What are they like?”

“Um, they seem pretty cool. His step-mom, Suzy, actually baked me some really delicious cookies. She’s a sweet woman. And his dad, Brian, Sr., seems like a pretty cool guy, too. He likes to joke around and pick on Brian, and it was kinda cute to see him get all embarrassed like that,” I say with an amused chuckle as I recall how uncomfortable Brian was about some of the things his dad and Suzy had said about him and shown me.

“You really like him,” she beams.

“He’s… cute… That’s all, Mom,’ I mumble, nervously tucking my hair behind my ear.

“Oh, don’t lie to us, Lana,” Sandi tells me with a smile on her face. “You like him! That’s why you’re all smiley and blushing right now.”

I’m smiling and blushing?

“No, I’m not,” I insist, trying my best to ignore the fact that there’s still a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth and my cheeks are growing very warm.

“Honey, there’s nothing wrong with liking him. I mean, we already knew that you like him a lot. You wouldn’t be dating him if you didn’t.”

“But you really, really like him, and that’s great,” Sandi finishes.

“It is?” I ask, looking up at them.

“Yes, it is, sweetheart,” Mom murmurs, gently tucking some more hair behind my ear. “It’s a very good thing.”

“So, now that we know where you went on your date, did anything happen?” Sandi queries, a grin still on her face.

I draw my eyebrows together, not really sure what she’s asking. “Happen?”

“You know, did he put his arm around you or hold your hand during the movie? Anything like that happen? Anything you feel like sharing?”

“Um… Well, he… We held hands for a little while…” I trail off, biting my lip a little bit as my eyes dart over to look at Mom. Even though this is all an act, I do not feel comfortable talking about this kind of stuff with Mom around.

“Well, it sounds like you had a really good time. I would love to stick around and hear more about your date, but I think I should get ready for bed,” Mom tells us as she stands up. “Don’t stay up too late, alright?”

“Alright, Mom,” I smile as she leans in and gives me a hug.

She pulls away and looks down at me for a moment, a smile on her lips as she brushes some hair out of my face again. “I love you, sweetheart. And I’m really glad that you had a good time on your date tonight.”

“I love you, too, Mom.”

I watch her as she tells Sandi goodnight and she takes one last look back at us before she slips out of the room and into the hallway.

“So, now that Mom’s not here anymore, anything else happen?”

“Um, he spilled some water on me at the end of dinner.”

“That’s not exactly what I was looking for, but okay,” she chuckles. “I was more interested in knowing if there was anything that happened at the very end, like if there was a kiss, maybe?”

“Sandi…”

“Oh, come on, Lana, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean, you guys like each other. It’s alright if he kissed you. I mean, I know that so many people are always, like, don’t kiss on the first date and all that, but really, I think that whole thing applies more to if you’re dating someone you barely know. Ya know? And you’ve known Brian for a very long time, so I would say that if he kissed you, then that’s perfectly fine,” she practically rambles.

“Okay… Well, um, at the end of the date, his step-mom dropped me off, Brian walked me to the door, and he…” I pause for a moment, slightly chewing on the inside of my bottom lip before I continue. “He kissed me.”

“Oh, my God! He did? Tell me everything!” she practically squeals.

“What do you mean? I just told you.”

“I meant details, you know. Like, did he look into your eyes and just leaned in all slow and your lips met, or did he just like go right in and kiss you?”

“Oh…” I trail off, realizing that she misunderstood me. She thinks that Brian really kissed me, not just pecked my cheek. I don’t know what to do, should I tell her the truth? Or should I just let her believe that Brian kissed me tonight? “Well… Umm…”

“Wait; was this your first kiss?”

“Well…”

“Listen, Lana, if it kinda sucked, that’s alright. I mean, I remember my first kiss, and it wasn’t all that great. We were both super nervous and didn’t know which way to turn our heads. We actually bumped noses; it wasn’t very romantic at all. But, we just kinda laughed it off and went for it, and it was okay. Believe me, if they suck at first, they do get better.”

“When did you--”

“Like, back in seventh grade with Logan Schmidt. It was behind the bleachers after he had soccer practice so he was kinda sweaty and stuff… Believe me, sometimes, I wish that I had waited a while before my first kiss. I would have picked someone that I really, really liked, like you did with Brian. That way, it would have been really special.”

“Oh... Right, special…”

“Yeah, because every girl’s first kiss should be special, and I so wish I knew that when I decided to kiss Logan. So, was it at least kind of good?”

I stare at my sister for a moment, unsure what to tell her. She stares back at me expectantly, her brilliant blue eyes shining with anticipation. “Yeah, it was. It was really good,” I fib.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I nod.

“So, was it, like, super romantic? I see Brian as giving you a super romantic kiss. Was it?”

“If you’d stop asking me all these questions, maybe you’d know,” I chuckle.

“Okay. Sorry. Go ahead, tell me the details,” she grins.

“So, you want to know everything?”

“Well, everything you’re comfortable telling me. I mean, you can omit certain things, but I’d like to know the good parts.”

“Okay…” I start, noticing Sandi lean forward just a little bit, eager to hear this story, and I look down into my lap. “Well, um, he walked me to the door and he was carrying my stuff for me, so he set them on the porch swing and told me goodnight. He was closer to the door, and I wasn’t sure why he wasn’t moving. I thought that maybe he was expecting me to move forward and kinda get out of his way, you know.

“So I started to move out of his way, but he rested his hand on my arm and stopped me. I looked up at him and my eyes met his; those pretty dark brown eyes,” I stop for a second and that inexplicable smile starts to spread across my face. “He brought his hand up to my cheek and he ran his thumb across my skin. My heart started to race a little bit as he leaned in and…” A soft airy sigh passes from my lips and I can’t help but grin at the thought of the peck he gave me. “And he kissed me.”

My gaze goes back up to Sandi and I see a huge smile on her face. “Oh, my God, Lana. That… Did it really happen like that?”

“No, I was lying. He pushed me against the door and we made out,” I reply flatly. “Yes, it happened like that. Why?”

“Because that was… It was, like, perfect.”

“Perfect?”

“Yeah, Lana, that’s the kind of kiss that girls dream of when they think about their first kiss. I bet it took your breath away, didn’t it?”

“A little,” I reply a little unsurely. “I just remember that my heart had to stop racing, my face had to cool off, and I just couldn’t stop smiling.”

“God, you are so lucky, Lana! Now I wish that I hadn’t wasted my first kiss on Logan after soccer practice.”

“I’m not that lucky…” I mumble.

Really, I’m not.

“Of course you are. You have a guy that everyone in the family likes, even my dad likes him, and you know how Dad is. And if that wasn’t enough, Brian absolutely adores you, Lana. It’s unreal. The way he looks at you is just so… I wish I had a guy that looked at me the way Brian looks at you.”

“The way he looks at me?”

“Yeah, he just… It’s kinda hard to explain, but when he looks at you, it’s like he’s not even aware of anything else around him; that it’s just you and him, and nothing else matters. You’re just special to him and he cares about you. It’s sweet.”

“Oh… I didn’t realize he looks at me like that…” I mumble, letting my gaze fall onto my hands resting in my lap. “Does he always look at me like that?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” she chuckles. “Leave it to you to not notice when a guy is interested or head over heels for you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, think about it, Lana. You told me that you have known Brian since, like, kindergarten and that he picked on you for years. When I told you that he probably picked on you because he likes you, you simply brushed it off and didn’t believe me. But it looks like I was right all along; you just had no clue that he liked you.”

“Guess I should listen to you more, then. I dunno, I just never thought that Brian would like me. Boys sure have a funny way of showing they care…”

“Yeah, they do,” she sighs. “But once you figure them out, it’s not too bad. At least Brian’s not picking on you anymore; he’s finally matured and realized that he can show you he likes you just by being nice.”

“I guess so…”

“What? You don’t think he’s matured, or you still don’t think he likes you? Because if you’re going with the second option; then you’re just being silly. I mean, I doubt that he would be dating a girl that he doesn’t like,” she points out with a light laugh.

“Yeah, I knew that. I just… Sorry if I seem a little spaced out right now. I’m just kinda tired, that’s all; long day.”

“That’s fine, Lana. We can always talk tomorrow,” she smiles. “I’m really glad you had a good time on your date, though. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“Alright; I’ll talk to you then.”

“Night, sister,” she says, leaning forward and giving me a quick hug.

“Night, Sands,” I tell her with a small smile as we break apart.

“And have fun dreaming about your boyfriend and that perfect kiss,” she giggles as she walks towards the door.

“Alright,” I chuckle, not really sure what else to say in response to that. I wish she’d stop saying that, because one of the last things I wanna do is dream about Brian.

I watch her as she walks out of the room, closing the door behind her as she steps out into the hallway, and I let out a heavy sigh as I collapse onto my bed. I blankly stare up at my ceiling and my mind wanders back to the conversation I just had with my sister. I hate lying to Sandi; I hate lying to my mom. I hate that they think that I’m so happy with Brian; that I’m lucky to have found such a great guy, when it’s all just a huge lie. I’m not happy and I’m far from being lucky, but it’s not like they’ll ever know this.

I turn my gaze away from the ceiling and it travels to my window. I sit up a little and stare at the window; the urge to open the blinds and peek out across the street keeps nagging at me. I stand up and draw my lips together as I stare at the window, trying to fight the urge to look across the street. I tear my eyes away from the window and turn on my lamp before walking to the other side of the room to flip the light off.

I begin to walk back to my bed, but my eyes flicker back to the window before I make it to my destination. I lightly chew on my bottom lip for a moment, silently debating the pros and cons of looking across the street. If I do look, I’m being a total creeper. But really, is there any harm in looking? It’s not as if I’m being some perverted peeping Tom that’s waiting for him to get undressed; I’m just looking to see if he’s playing his guitar. And if he is, I’m just going to watch him until he’s done playing. So it’s actually harmless and I’m not being a total creeper, right?

I inch closer to the window and I lift my hand to grab the wand, slowly twisting it to open the blinds. I peek out across the street through the pane and I can see that Brian’s bedroom light is on. I squint a little bit to get a better look into his room and I notice that he isn’t alone; his dad and Suzy are both in there. They’re probably talking to him about the date, just like Mom and Sandi did with me. To be honest, I’m kinda surprised to see his dad in there, though. Henry had little to no interest in how my date went, but I guess it’s a little different when you’re a dad and your son just went on his first date with his new girlfriend. In Henry’s mind, I’m his little girl, just like Sandi, so he probably doesn’t want to think of me growing up and dating boys; he’s happy just knowing that Brian’s a decent guy.

I watch him talk to his parents for a little bit, smiling a bit at the sight of them grinning fondly at their son. I glance over at Brian to see that he looks so at ease talking to them; he doesn’t look like he’s uncomfortable at all, which is the exact opposite of how I felt when I talked to Mom and Sandi. I guess he’s just a better liar than I am or something because he has really been selling the idea that we’re dating to his parents. I mean, Suzy even said that he talks about me all the time, and I hardly ever talk about him unless asked. Maybe I could pick something up from him as far as how to get everyone to believe your fake relationship is a real one.

A couple of minutes pass by, and I see his dad and Suzy stand up, taking turns giving him hugs as they tell him goodnight, and another smile tugs at my lips. He really seems to be sweet to his parents and has a good relationship with them; it’s nice to see that. I watch as Brian, Sr. and Suzy walk out of the room and my eyes quickly return to Brian, wondering what he’s going to do next. It’s not really that late, so there is a chance that he’ll pick up his guitar and play a little bit. I’m really hoping that he’ll play, at least for a few minutes. My focus is trained on him as he walks across the room to the place where he keeps his guitar, and the smile on my lips grows just a little wider.

He takes a seat on his bed, and I continue to stare at him as he sets the instrument onto his lap. He places his fingers onto the fretboard and he begins to strum a few chords. I gaze on in awe, taking in every silent note that he plays, imagining just how beautiful it must sound. If only I could hear what his playing sounds like; I bet it sounds just as captivating as it is to watch. How could it not? I mean, he plays with such passion and such ease that it’s almost impossible to imagine that it could possibly sound terrible. There is no way he can’t be good.

After several minutes, he stops playing, and I feel my heart fall a little. I know this sounds ridiculous since I can’t even hear what he’s playing, but I don’t want him to stop. There’s just something about the way he plays that seems to put my mind at ease, that makes me forget about all the problems in my life; when I watch him play, everything in the world just seems right. I know, it’s silly to say that, but it’s true. I think I just get so lost, so mesmerized, by his playing that I can’t think about anything else; and in an odd way, it’s almost like a blessing because it keeps the unpleasant thoughts at bay, even if it is only for a short time.

I rest my head against the window frame, still watching him in case he picks his guitar back up. He leans over to turn on his lamp, and I bite my lip, knowing that when he does that it means that he’s about to go to bed. I guess this means that the guitar session is over for the night and I should get going to bed… But it wouldn’t hurt if I stuck around for a couple more minutes, just in case he decides to go back to his guitar.

He picks up his guitar and walks back to where it looks like he keeps it, and I begin to gnaw on my lip. It really doesn’t look like he’s going to be playing anymore for the night. But I stay; still watching him intently in hopes that maybe he isn’t calling it a night just yet. He makes his way over to the wall where the light switch is, and the main light shuts off, leaving the small lamp to illuminate the room in a dim blanket of light. He begins the short trek back to his bed, unbuttoning and slipping off the button up shirt he was wearing on our date on the way there, and I swallow hard.

I know I should look away, but I don’t. Instead, my eyes stay trained on him, skimming over his now bare torso. He’s not super muscular, but he’s not scrawny either; he looks like he’s pretty toned, though. At least, as toned as any fifteen-year-old guy can be; he looks nice. He reaches his bed, and I let out a soft, yet audible, sigh as I accept the fact that he is going to bed. I lift my hand up to close the blinds and take one last look at Brian before I begin to twist the wand in my hand.

“Goodnight, Superman,” I softly whisper as I slowly close the blinds.

I let go of the thin white wand and it softly clacks against the plastic blinds. I step away from the window and run my fingers through my hair as I make my way to my bed. My hand falls down to my side and I pull my comforter down a little bit. I sit down on the mattress, stretch my legs out underneath the covers, and reach over towards the lamp to turn it off.

Darkness washes over the room and I blindly reach for my covers as my eyes adjust. I lie down onto my bed and pull the down comforter up to my shoulders as I make myself comfortable. I used to hate having my covers up so close to my face, I used to feel like it suffocated me, but now, as silly as it may sound, now it makes me feel safe. I shift myself onto my stomach and I adjust my pillow a little bit; I hug my pillow close to my chest, almost as if I’m holding onto someone, and I close my eyes as I nuzzle my face into the pillow.

~

I hug my knees to my chest, staring at my bedroom door, watching for any shadows that may show up through the slight crack between the door and the floor. I hear footsteps coming down the hallway, coming closer to my room, and my heart begins to pound rapidly in chest. I take a deep breath through my nose, hoping to calm my racing heart, and I swallow hard at the sight of a shadow playing across the floor. I want to hop up and lock my door to keep whoever is making their way down the hall out of my room, but I can’t move; it’s as if I’m paralyzed. I can do nothing but hope that I’m safe. The shadow stops at my door and I see the doorknob jiggle.

They’re coming in…

My arms tighten around my knees and I keep my eyes locked onto the door, watching it as it slowly begins to open. I bite my lip and I see one of his legs slip in through the cracked doorway. I quickly close my eyes and bury my face in my knees; I know exactly who this is. And I never want to see him again. Not after what he’s done to me. His footsteps seem to echo in my ears and I softly whimper, afraid of what he’s going to try to do this time.

He places his hand on my shoulder, and my entire body goes stiff. I take another shaky breath, trying to hold onto any composure that I may have left. I want to run, I want to scream, but I can’t do either of those things. I’m stuck, paralyzed, and vulnerable once again.

“Hey, what’s wrong, Sunshine?”

What did he just call me?

Did he just call me--

I cautiously lift my head and slowly open my eyes to look at him. Instead of the cold, grey eyes I am expecting to see, I’m met with a pair of warm, comforting brown eyes. A small smile plays on his lips and he lifts his hand up to my face, gently tucking away a loose section of hair from my face.

“Hey there, Sunshine,” he softly murmurs as his fingers slowly glide through my hair.

“Hi, Superman,” I whisper, hugging my knees a little closer to my chest.

“What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“You looked like you were scared.”

“I wasn’t scared.”

“Then why were you hiding your face like you were afraid to see me walk through the door? Why are you hugging yourself as if you’re going to fall apart if you let go?”

“I’m fine,” I insist as I let go of my knees. “It’s nothing.”

“You sure?”

I simply nod my head in reply.

“You’re different,” he comments. “Did you know that?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You just look… You look like you feel broken; like you need someone to talk to. Someone to help,” he says, and my gaze flashes back up to him.

I look at him for a moment, studying his eyes to see if I can sense any hint of deception, and I bite the inside of my lip. “Why would you wanna help me?”

“Because I’m kinda-sorta your friend, and we are dating, after all,” he smiles, and I feel a tiny smile tug at the corners of my mouth.

“I was just…” I let out a heavy sigh, already feeling tears prick at my eyes. “I was scared that you were someone else.”

“Who were you afraid I was?”

“My cousin Craig.”

“Why are you afraid of him?”

“I don’t really wanna talk about it right now,” I sniffle. “Let’s just say that he hurt me and I don’t trust him or want to be around him ever again.”

“I’m sorry, Sunshine,” he whispers, gently placing a finger underneath my chin. “Everything will be okay, though.”

“How will it be okay, Brian? What if he hurts me again?” I sniffle.

“He won’t, because I’m going to keep you safe, Lana.”

“You will?”

“I promise.”

I blink away the tears that have pooled in my eyes and smile as I lean in and wrap my arms tightly around him. He pulls me in close to him, gently rubbing my back as I bury my face into his shoulder, and he softly presses his lips to my hair.

“Everything’s going to be alright, Sunshine. It’s all going to be alright.”

I sniffle a little bit and pull my face out of his shoulder. He softly smiles at me and gently sweeps some hair out of my face. I smile back at him. Our eyes lock onto each other and for some reason, my heart begins to race. His fingers leave my hair and lightly trail down my arm, his eyes still fixated on mine. I anxiously lick my lips, and he cups my face in his hand, running his thumb over my cheek. He slowly leans in, and my eyes fall shut just as his lips meet mine in a sweet, tender kiss.

~

I stare down at my breakfast as I push my scrambled eggs around my plate with my fork. I’ve learned that sometimes if you just move your food around a little bit, people actually think that you’ve eaten something. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but you’d be surprised just how many times simply pushing around a few forkfuls of eggs or mashed potatoes creates the illusion of eating.

I know that it’s not exactly healthy for me to not eat like I should, but it’s been difficult eating for the last couple of months. I just never feel all that hungry anymore; food just doesn’t seem appealing to me like it used to. Especially when almost every single time I put food in my mouth, I have the revolting urge to throw it all up. I think a lot of people wouldn’t feel like eating if it made them wanna hurl whenever a single morsel touched their tongue. But maybe that’s just me…

“Hey, space cadet; do you want some more hash browns?” Henry asks me, and I am forced to look away from my breakfast.

“Um, no thanks, Dad; I’m getting pretty full already.”

“Oh, alright; well, if you get hungry there’s plenty, okay, kiddo?”

“Okay, thanks, Dad,” I reply with a tiny smile as I let my gaze return my food.

I begin to chew on the inside of my bottom lip, wondering if it looks like I’ve eaten enough. I’ve taken a couple bites of toast, a little bit of my hash browns, and I think I’ve pushed my eggs around enough that it looks like I have eaten a good portion of what Henry gave me. I sigh as I look down at the meal in front of me; it looks delicious, but I just don’t feel like eating it. At least Brian’s not here.

I don’t know why, but he’s been so… observant, and I don’t really like it at all. He’s been picking up on so many things, things that no one in my family has really been able to notice, and it’s kinda weird. I mean, the boy has done nothing but pick on me for years, made my life hell, and now he’s acting as if he’s worried about my well-being? Maybe it’s because he’s still thinking that Laney and the girls will kick his ass if he’s not nice to me, but I told him to back off when they aren’t around. So why does he act as if he actually cares?

Maybe he does care…

I shake my head at the thought that entered my mind. There is no way that he actually cares about me, and I don’t know why the thought even came into my mind. Okay, so maybe I can think of a reason why I would think that, but it’s not a plausible one since it was all a dream. It was all just a stupid dream; a stupid, unrealistic dream that I should have never dreamed in the first place.

But why did I have that dream? The one night I’m not plagued by nightmares of Craig, I dream about Brian. Sure, it was nice to not wake up from another nightmare, but did I have to dream about someone that I can hardly stand? And if I had to dream about him, why did I have to dream about feeling safe and comfortable with him? And more importantly, why did I dream about kissing him? Why did I wake up from that dream with a racing heart and the faintest hint of a smile on my lips? Why do I feel like I kind of enjoyed it?

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

“Huh?” I ask, looking up to see who had spoken to me.

“What are ya thinkin’ about?” Sandi repeats, chuckling a little bit at my slightly dazed state.

“Nothing,” I reply, shaking my head a little bit.

“You sure?” she giggles. “Because it didn’t look like it was nothing. It looked like you were thinking about something that makes you all smiley.”

“I wasn’t smiling,” I mumble, taking a forkful of hash browns and stuffing it into my mouth.

“Yes, you were,” she replies in a sing-song tone. “I bet I know what you were thinkin’ about.”

“Sandi, I’m trying to eat.”

“You hadn’t touched your food for like five minutes before you shoved those potatoes in your mouth.”

“I suddenly got hungry again.”

“Oh, you did? Then will you eat the rest of my hash browns for me? Because I’m stuffed,” she says, pushing her plate towards me.

“Fine, I’m not hungry, but I don’t feel like talking right now,” I mumble, shooting a quick glance towards Mom and Henry, hoping she’ll get the message.

She notices the glance and softly chuckles as she shakes her head. “Mom, Dad; may Lana and I be excused?” she asks our parents, and I feel my stomach drop a little. I should know known that she would do this.

“Of course,” Mom replies with a smile.

“Did you guys get enough to eat?” Henry asks.

“Plenty; thanks, Dad,” Sandi grins as she gets up from her seat.

“Yeah, thanks, Dad,” I start, getting up out of my chair. “It was really delicious.”

“You’re welcome, kiddo.”

I pick up my plate and follow Sandi into the kitchen. We put what’s left over on our plates into the garbage disposal, and Sandi turns on the cold water before flipping the switch and letting the disposal run for a few seconds. I cross my arms over my chest as I wait for her to finish up. She stops the garbage disposal and turns off the faucet, turning to me with a smile on her face.

“So, ya wanna go talk in my room or yours?”

“It doesn’t really matter, I guess,” I mumble as I fiddle with my hands a little bit.

“Let’s go with your room since mine’s kinda a mess right now,” she says, taking my hand and dragging me towards the stairs.

“Why is your room messy?” I ask as we bound up the stairs.

“I kinda tore my closet apart looking for outfits for your date last night and I just never got around to picking everything up. I’ll probably do it tonight before Mom and Dad nag at me for being a slob.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah, it’s not a lot, but it’s still enough to where you can’t really see most of the floor, and you know how they can get sometimes about our rooms being a wreck.”

“Yeah, Dad starts threatening to throw our stuff away since we clearly don’t care enough about it to put it away,” I reply, slightly rolling my eyes.

“Exactly, but it can wait a few more hours. Now,” She pulls me into my room and closes the door. “Tell me what’s got you all smiley this morning.”

“I told you it’s--”

“It is so not nothing, so don’t even try to tell me that,” she cuts me off. “Besides, I think I already know what you’re smiling about, remember?” she grins as we sit down on my bed.

“I wasn’t being smiley.”

“Uh-huh, and that’s why you had that goofy looking grin on your face at breakfast.”

“Sandi--”

“Lana, it’s alright that you’re thinking about your boyfriend after a great date like that. I know I would be! I mean, everything was basically perfect. Gaby even told me how cute you and Brian were last night.”

“When did you talk to Gaby?”

“Last night before you got back from your date; I would have said something about it last night, but you were getting all tired and stuff. But really, I knew you guys were cute, but I didn’t realize that you were completely adorable! She said that you totally got a keeper, and I couldn’t agree more!”

“Yeah, I am pretty lucky to have him…” I mumble, wondering just how much longer I’m going to have to act like I really like Brian, because it’s starting to get very difficult now.

“So, you were thinking about him at breakfast, weren’t ya?” she asks with an enormous grin on her face. Are sisters supposed to be this interested in each other’s love lives? Because I honestly don’t recall ever being so interested in any of Sandi’s relationships.

“Yeah,” I softly admit.

“Aww! That’s so cute!” she exclaims, leaning forward a little bit. “So, did you dream about him and that perfect kiss you had last night?”

“Yeah…” I reply, biting my lip, hating that I did in fact dream about him last night.

“And I bet that’s what you were thinking about at breakfast, huh? That perfect kiss with the perfect guy.”

“Well, you can’t really blame me for thinking about it. I mean, I never even expected it to happen… I wasn’t even expecting to like it so much…”

And I wish I hadn’t. Even though it was just a dream, the fact that I even for one moment enjoyed the thought of kissing Brian makes me wonder what’s happening to me. How can I go from hating someone to going on fake dates, creeping on them at night through my window, and dreaming about kissing them?

“Sometimes, those are the best kind,” she says with a tiny smile. “Those are the kind that take your breath away, the ones that you are going to remember for the rest of your life, the ones that mean the most.”

“They are?”

“Yeah; at least I think they are. I mean, you always see it in movies and read about them in books. You know? From what you told me last night, you and Brian totally had one of those kisses.”

“I guess we did...”

A knock comes at the door, and Mom peeks into the room. “Lana, honey, Lynn’s on the phone for you,” she tells me, holding the phone out to me. I get up from my bed and thank her as I take the cordless from her hand.

“Hello?” I answer once I’ve brought the phone up to my ear.

“Hey, Lana!” Lynn’s cheery voice rings through the receiver.

“Hey, Lynn,” I chuckle. “What’s going on?”

“Well, I was wondering if you wanna come hang out with me and the others in like two hours. We’re just gonna chill out at the park like we did before, maybe go to the spot, I dunno all the details right now.”

“Well, I have to ask my parents, but I guess it’ll be alright.”

“Great! Z and I can stop by your place and walk with you.”

“Yeah, that sounds great,” I smile, but it quickly disappears. “Um… Do you think that Brian’s gonna be there?”

“I don’t know. Zack was supposed to call him to see. If he does, we’ll just stop by his place after we get you, or vice versa.”

“Oh, alright; well, I’ll ask Mom and Henry if it’s alright and I’ll call you back, okay?”

“Alright; talk to ya later, babes!”

“Bye.”

I hang up the phone and sigh, glancing over at my bed to see Sandi grinning like a Cheshire cat. I forgot she was in here. And that means that she heard me say Brian’s name, which means that I definitely can’t get out of hanging out at the park if Mom and Henry give me the okay. This is just fantastic.

“Sounds like someone’s got plans,” she says, smiling from ear to ear.

“Only if Mom and Dad say I can go.”

“They will. You know they will. We have no plans for today, and they both love Brian. They’ll let you go. Especially since Mom likes seeing you get out and have fun with your friends after being a shut in for most of the summer.”

“I guess you’re right…” I nod, walking towards my door to go out and put the phone back in its place. “But I think I should ask just in case.”

“No point in asking!” she calls out after me as I scurry out into the hallway.

~

Sandi was right; there was no point in asking. As soon as they heard Sandi say Brian was going to be there as she happened to conveniently walk by, they were more than happy to tell me I could go. I should have known better than to let her know I was going to ask if it was okay. I should have known that she was going to pull something like that to make sure I’d be able to go. I know that she thinks that she’s doing me a favor by helping me go somewhere with Brian, but she’s really not.

I stare at the front door, anxiously shaking my right leg as I wait for the doorbell to ring. I hope that Brian’s not with them… I know that we had a somewhat good time with each other last night, but that doesn’t tell me what he’s going to be like today when we’re around everyone else. I mean, they don’t know that we’re ‘dating’ so that means he’s free to go back to being the asshole he usually is. And I don’t think I wanna deal with asshole Brian today.

The doorbell rings and I sigh as I get up from my seat. Mom smiles at me from the recliner and tells me to have a good time with my friends, but I know that she really means that she hopes I have fun with Brian. God, now I wish that he hadn’t made such an impression on my parents. I am going to hate seeing their faces when they find out that I’ve ‘broken up’ with him. I give her a quick hug and tell her that I’ll be home in a few hours before I make my way to the door.

I open the door to see Lynn and Zacky waiting on the other side with smiles on their faces. I notice that Zacky’s got his arm comfortably placed around Lynn’s waist, holding her close to him, and I can’t help but wonder why couples feel like they need to do these little displays of affection in public. I mean, sure, it’s kinda cute to hold hands or whatever, but to be hanging off of each other all the time just seems a bit like overkill.

“Hey, babes!” Lynn greets me.

“Hey, guys,” I say as I step out of the house and close the door behind me. “How’re you?”

“We’re great,” Zacky beams. “How are you?”

“I’m alright. So, did we ever figure out all the plans for today?”

“I think we’re all going to go to the spot today. At least that’s what Matt said.”

“Oh, well, that’s cool…” I trail off, feeling a little nervous about going to this ‘spot.’ I remember that they said they usually hang out there and drink, and I’m not into the thought of drinking at all.

“Yeah, we’ve just gotta go swing by Brian’s place and then we’ll be ready to go.”

“Oh… Great…”

“Hey, you two got along last night; it won’t be bad,” Lynn tells me, and I just nod my head since I don’t feel like fighting with her about this.

I follow them across the street and run my fingers through my slightly damp hair. Although Sandi wanted me to look a little nicer, I got out of the house with a pair of blue jeans with a hole in the right knee and a loose fitting purple top. We walk up Brian’s driveway and onto the porch, and Zacky rings the doorbell. A few moments later, the door opens and Brian steps out of the house.

“Hey, guys.”

“Hey, Bri,” Zacky and Lynn chorus; I don’t bother to say anything; I just look down at my Chucks.

“So, what’s on the agenda for today? Was Jimmy able to get some drinks?”

“Last I heard, he was working on it. But we’re still on for going to the spot. At least that’s what Matt said.”

“Awesome!”

We walk down the driveway and onto the sidewalk, and Zacky and Lynn begin to fall behind me and Brian as they get lost in whatever little conversation they’re having. Maybe I should have opted to walk by myself.

“Hey, Sunshine,” Brian says as he falls into step beside me, and I try to speed up a little.

“Hi,” I mumble, doing my best not to look at him. I never realized how awkward I’d feel around him. I mean, I knew that I didn’t want to be around him, but I didn’t know that it would be because he makes me feel so...awkward. I guess that dream threw me off more than I thought it did.