Drifting

As I drifted I remembered,
As I drifted I saw,
As I drifted I grieved,
As I drifted I remembered...

Time seemed to flow before me. As I hovered I fled away from my desecrated body, drifting in my own memory, dredging back memories of my earliest past...

I blinked in the sunlight of my flowery room. The bright colours imprinted themselves on my eager blue eyes. The sunlight flashed off of my watch- 6 o'clock it read. I rolled over under the sheets, drawing them arround me, a warm shroud against the chill morning air. I breathed in deeply and sighed, squeesing my eyes shut- I knew mum would come to wake me soon.
I remember that morning, it was much like every other Saturday. Wake at six, watch TV, snuggle up on the sofa with my familly. I remember feeling so close. Thier smilling, bright faces as warm as the toast they piled on my plate. Wedged between Mother and Father, I snuggled and hugged, breathing in thier personal smells. We were so close...what happened?

Again I was drifting. My baby brother was born. I cherished him, wrapped him in my arms, nurtured his sweet soul as we grew. I was never jealous those first few years, never realised I got the hang-me-downs. Only when I was old enough to understand, the beggining of secodary school. He had big brown eyes, shaggy blonde hair, and was utterly and completely narsicistic. He would strut around school in the latest fashion, whilst I sat on a bench reading the latest fiction books. What I thought was love, turned to envy. He was quick witted (and mouthed) and had a lot of "friends", I sat on that bench everyday, watching him mess around. I pulled the grades, he got the girls. We would have made quite a pair but soon after I realised that I was demanding less and less attention from my familly. Adam got the warm toast and the new clothes, I got hang me downs from my cousin- and I felt so alone...now I understand...

I lowered my eyes from the sorry image of my pitiful younger self to the older one. Then I moved on.

Of course, if there was no storm how could you feelo the calm? I flitted amongst images of myself. Playing football with the boys, my laughter as I dodged them to score a goal. Laughter, it was a beautiful sound. My forced attempt to make friends with girls my age- it seemed alot easier to make friends with younger children, they appreciated me more. My eventual breakthrough, after my pain and toil, I had found the solid ground I needed to stand. Eve, Charlie and Zoe were kind to me, Charlie was our ring leader- I remember making jokes, bitching about eachother we would say now but it was all good fun then...

My friends grew. I became popular but now I wasn't remembering- I was seeing myself through thier eyes, as they saw me.
I felt envy, I felt anger, I felt compassion, I felt woe, I felt caring, I felt coping, I felt awareness, sophistication and so much more. My image changed each time, depending on how they felt about me. So much anguish and hurt so mucch caring and kindness created. So much LOVE. What I was lacking, was right here, but I had been blind.

The image changed back to the now...

As I drifted, I remembered...

...