Learning to Fall

Kissing Alex Gaskarth is not an experience you can easily describe. There are so many things going through my head right now, as he pulls one hand through my hair, that I can’t even make sense of anything. I’m just barely remembering that I’m supposed to breathe every once in a while.

For some reason, I don’t feel guilty. I don’t feel stupid. I feel like this is right, as ridiculous as that may sound. Alex kissing me feels natural.

Of course, as soon as I think about how normal this seems, he pulls away. His hands push against my shoulders and he keeps me pinned to the wall. He stares down at me and looks like he’s struggling to find words.

Before he can find them, I push him away. I’m not going to let him stare at me like I’m some kind of mistake.

“Stella – Wait!”

He shouts after me as I walk down the hallway towards the kitchen. I stop and turn around to look at him. He’s still standing in the same spot and doesn’t look like he’s about to chase after me.

“What?” I ask, sounding very impatient.

“I… Stella…”

“If you’re just going to say my name over and over, I really don’t have a reason to stand here.”

“I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have done that. You’re so vulnerable right now and I just-”

“Vulnerable? Are you kidding me right now, Alex?”

“No. I’m not. But Stella…” He takes the six or seven steps towards me until he’s only inches away. “I don’t regret kissing you… I know that you probably won’t believe me. But I don’t.”

“Okay…”

For a second, I feel hopeful. Why, I can’t tell you. It’s not like I like Alex, or anything like that.

“But Stella,” He continues, “I can’t be with you like that. At least not right now. Do you understand what I’m saying? Kissing you was a bad idea, but not one that I regret.”

His words just confuse me even more, and I’m seriously two seconds from walking away.

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say to me.”

“I’m saying, basically, that I can’t be in a relationship right now. A relationship would not be a good idea for me, especially after everything that happened not even a month ago,” he says, putting his hand on my arm in an attempt to be comforting. “I’m still pretty shaken up about it. And I know you are too.”

I don’t respond, only because I know that he’s right.

“If Zack were here right now, do you know how much shit I would be in if he found out I made out with his little sister?” he jokes, and I have to smile.

“He would kill you.”

“He would. So right now, we’re just friends. Nothing more.”

“Nothing more… Right.”

“Stella… You’re beautiful, okay? I can’t even deny that. Nobody could. You’ll find the right guy. It’s probably not me.”

I nod in agreement. It’s probably not him. But then why is this whole ‘just friends’ situation bothering me so much already?