Learning to Fall

“Stella, will you help me out here?”

“No.”

The dream is so vivid and realistic; I can almost feel Zack pull my hair. My 12 year old self screeches and then wastes no time in going to help Zack pick up all the Monopoly pieces off the floor.

“Why are you playing Monopoly, anyway?”

“Because it’s fun. You can play too, I guess.”

“Who are you playing with?”

“Alex.”

“Oh… Is Alex your best friend?”

“Yeah…”

“I don’t have any best friends…”

The last piece of the game is put into the box and Zack shakes his head. “What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know… everyone just thinks that I’m too quiet.”

We both stand and he puts his arm around my shoulders. “Well, I’m your best friend. And your pretty much one of my best friends. You’ll make better friends in high school, though.”

I wake up from my dream – or nightmare, rather – and look at the alarm clock next to my bed. 4:53 am. Fuck, I have school in a few hours.

I don’t even understand why I had that dream in the first place. I didn’t eat chocolate before bed, or anything weird like that. It’s just so… random. Like, why would I have that dream? Why not a more significant one?

Well, actually, I guess it was pretty significant. Zack was my best friend. I never made any in high school. I was just too quiet. Still am, in my junior year. But maybe I’m on my way to making one… I mean, I’m pretty close with Kaitlin… I don’t know. I’m never good at the ‘friends’ thing.

I get out of bed and stretch. No use in trying to fall back asleep. My thoughts are concentrated on Zack now, and that means that I’m never going back to bed.

I open my door quietly and walk down the hallway to Zack’s bedroom, still untouched by Mom, which is weird. She’s too upset, I guess. I sit down on his bed and glance around the room. It’s covered in pictures and band posters – including the very small Good Charlotte poster he kept hidden behind the door. I always made fun of him for that, but he claimed he bought it by mistake, thinking it was a Brand new poster. Yeah, sure.

“What are you doing in here?”

My eyes focus on the doorway where Mom is standing, looking half asleep.

“Couldn’t sleep,” I respond, and she just shakes her head.

“So you come in here?”

I nod. “It actually makes me feel a little better…”

“Well,” she says, coming over and sitting beside me. “I do the same thing sometimes when you’re at school.”

I turn to look at her. “Really?”

“Yeah… I just… I don’t know why. I feel like he’s here somehow…”

“That’s how I feel, too.”

**

“It’s a basic graph. It shouldn’t be so difficult.”

“But… What’s this mean, again?”

“Oh, my God, Alex!”

Alex grins sheepishly and looks down at his notebook. “Sorry…”

“Can we take a five minute break? I cannot explain that again right now,” I admit, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Sure.”

We sit in an awkward silence for about 25 seconds before he coughs and bites his lip.

“So…” I say, not exactly sure where to start.

“I’m sorry about um… about kissing you and saying all the stuff I did… and then pulling that whole stunt with Gracie… I’m an ass, I know that.”

“You know how you can make it up to me?”

He looks nervous, as if he’s afraid of what I’m going to say. He should be.

“What’s that…?”

“What happened between you and Zack the night he died?”

My question is blunt and it catches him off-guard. He blinks twice and takes a few seconds to start talking.

“A fight,” is his simple answer, but it’s not a good enough one.

“About what, though?”

“It’s… stupid. I’m not telling you. Not right now, at least. It’s not important. It just…” he trails off, looking across his living room. “… It just got ridiculous. Out of control.”

“Oh… I guess that’s why he was so pissed before he left.”

“I wish it didn’t happen… It was my fault.”

“I’m sure he had some involvement in this fight –”

“No, he did, yeah. I mean that it was my fault he died…”

My eyes narrow and I’m slightly concerned with what he’s going to tell me next. “What are you talking about?”

“If I hadn’t have brought up the subject that we fought about, then he wouldn’t have gotten so pissed at me. If he hadn’t gotten pissed at me, then he wouldn’t have gone out with Pete and Mike, and would have come over my house like he was supposed to. If he had come to my house, the car wouldn’t have been hit and he would still be alive.”

He’s obviously had a lot of time to think this over, I observe. His eyes are watery and his hands are shaking.

“Alex… Don’t think like that. You couldn’t have known-”

“Stop! Stop trying to convince me that it’s not my fault! If I had just done one thing differently, I would still have my best friend! You would still have your brother! I just… I don’t know what to do without him… it’s… too weird…”

He trails off on a completely different subject. He’s mumbling something about how is he supposed to get through senior year without Zack, and I’m just sitting on the floor. I think I should just go.

“Alex… I’m gonna go home… Call me if you need more help with this.”

He looks up at me, his brown eyes pulling me in. But I can’t – and won’t – fall for him. He’s not the type of guy I would want as a boyfriend.

“Bye, Alex.”