Learning to Fall

The last time I was here, I was a hysterical mess. Zack’s funeral had ended and we were watching him being buried. It was horrifying. It made it permanent. Zack was gone – no getting around it.

Now, sitting in Alex’s car outside the cemetery gates, I’m just as bad. Maybe not quite as hysterical, but I’m still a mess. I think it must be a combination of being with Alex and being here that’s making me freak out on the inside. On the outside, I do my best to look calm and collected.

“I’m not buying the act you’re putting on, Stella,” Alex informs me, turning off his car ignition. The radio turns off and I find myself in silence. Something I’ve come to hate.

“What act?”

“The whole ‘I’m not freaking out’ act.”

“Is it that obvious?” I ask, somewhat defeated. I hate that he can see right through me.

“I don’t blame you… Even I feel a little weird being here.”

“How many times have you been here?”

“…Four times. Including after the funeral.”

“Really? Why?”

“I don’t know…”

“What do you do?”

“Talk to him like he’s still here.”

I stare out at the gates through the front windshield. It’s too weird, I think, coming here to visit a dead person. But at the same time, I guess it makes a lot of sense…

“Come on,” Alex says, unlocking the doors. “Let’s go while the rain stopped.”

I nod and push open the door, getting out and stepping on the pavement. The rain has stopped for about 5 minutes, and hopefully it doesn’t start up again anytime soon. It’s nearing 9:45pm and I’m slightly nervous because I don’t know what kind of people wander around cemeteries at night…

When Alex walks around to my side of the car, he smiles. “Don’t be afraid.”

“Why the hell wouldn’t I be afraid of being at a cemetery at nearly 10:00 at night?”

“You’re with me.”

That one sentence keeps me calm all the way until we get to Zack’s grave. I read the epitaph and I smile.

‘To the world you may have just been somebody, but to all of us you were the world’.

“I hope you realize how fitting is it,” Alex says when he sees my smile.

“I know…”

“I miss him. All the time. I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like if I had called to apologize to him sooner…”

“Stop thinking like that, Alex. You can’t do anything about it now.”

“How can you even stand to be near me? I had the chance to keep your brother alive, and you don’t seem to care.”

I step closer to him and shrug. “Because I don’t blame you. At all. How can I? You had a fight – everyone has fights.”

“But-”

“Shut up, please?”

He opens his mouth to say something else, but changes his mind and just smiles.

**

“Thanks,” Alex mumbles when he pulls up in front of my house at 11:15.

“Thanks for…?”

“Caring, Stella.”

I feel awkward, suddenly. I don’t know why.

“Oh… Well, you’re welcome, I guess.”

“No, I’m serious… I was such a jerk to you, and yet for some reason, you still care.”

It hits me, then, that I really am stupid. He was a total jerk to me. He kissed me, told me he didn’t regret it, and then went off with random girls. Then, like the idiot I am, I call and make sure he’s okay when I hear that he might be in trouble.

“Yeah… Well, I guess that’s just the way I am…”

I was basically ignorant to everything he was doing…I acted as if it was okay. It’s definitely not.

“Don’t ever change,” he says, and he leans in closer, as if he’s going to kiss me.

“Don’t do this,” I say, and I push him away from me, causing him to frown.

“Why not?”

“I’m not falling for this again.”

I don’t look back until I’m unlocking my front door, and by that time, he's already driven away.