Status: Slow Updates
Learning to Fall
Do What You Do
Over the weekend (the last weekend in October), Alex drops by Tara’s house while I’m there hanging out with her and Stefanie.
“Why are you here?” Tara asks.
I glance at Stef from my spot on the living room couch. Alex is only 10 feet away from me, standing right outside the front door.
“Well, I saw Stella’s car here and I just wanted-”
“To ask her out?”
“What? No, I wanted to talk to her about the SAT’s. Do you realize that they’re only two weeks away?”
The small amount of hope that I had is now gone and I’m getting really annoyed at him. Who does he think he is, anyway?
“Yes, I realize that, Alex. But you’re not coming in to talk to her. Leave her alone.”
“But she’s my math tutor!”
“Not anymore.” Tara shuts her front door while Alex is in the middle of speaking and she looks at me. “My cousin is an asshole. You shouldn’t tutor him anymore.”
“But I have to…”
“No, ask for someone else. Tell Mrs. White that Alex is a special case and is absolutely incapable of learning math.”
I think about it for a second. Not tutoring Alex would mean I won’t have to see him anymore. I wouldn’t have to fall for his stupid ‘oh I really do care about you’ acts. But who am I kidding? I couldn’t just give him up altogether…
“Yeah. I’ll think about it,” I lie. I thought about it already, and I’m not quitting on him.
**
“The police dropped this off this morning,” My dad says to me on Saturday night after I come home from Tara’s. It’s nearing 1AM and I have to wonder why he’s even awake right now.
He places Zack’s cell phone into my hands and I stare at it. “Why did they even have this?”
“They wanted to check it to see if he was texting or anything like that at the time of the crash. It’s standard procedure. He wasn’t, but they only just got it back to us now…”
“Why are you giving it to me?”
“Well, I figure you will know what to do with it.”
With that, he stands from his seat at the kitchen table and leaves me alone. That was the strangest conversation I think I’ve ever had with my dad.
After drinking a glass of water, I go upstairs to my room. My mom must have been in here, because it’s cleaner than it was this morning. The bed is made, too.
I open my desk drawer and place the phone down inside it, way in the back. There’s nothing for me to do with it. It’s not like it has a service plan or anything. After I close the drawer I sit down on my bed.
A few months ago, I don’t think I would have had anything to do on a Saturday night. I probably would have just watched TV with Ryan and waited for Zack to get home. Now, however, I have friends. Not just friends, but good friends. Tara and Stef seem to actually care about me, and Kaitlin, Rae and Julia are slightly closer to me than they were before. It’s weird that I had to lose my best friend in order to make more. But it makes sense, in a way.
**
At 9:15 the next morning, my phone is ringing. Even though I wish I could pretend that I don’t know who’s calling, there’s only one person it can really be.
“Hello?” I answer, my voice slightly scratchy from sleeping.
“You’re not tutoring me anymore?”
Alex voice is panicked, and I get a satisfied feeling and I don’t even feel bad about that.
“Well, I don’t-”
“No, Stella, you have to! If I don’t do well on the math part of the SAT, no college is going to want me!”
“Maybe you should have thought about that before you went and messed with your tutors feelings.”
He stays silent on the other end. I can’t help but want to just laugh at him. He deserves this. Then he sighs loudly.
“Stella… Mrs. White isn’t going to give me another tutor if you quit on me. She told me this was my last chance.”
“Well… Alex, you’re just…”
“I’ll stop. I’ll be better. I won’t lead you on. I’ll be your friend and nothing more.”
That’s not quite what I want, but it’s better than being lead on.
“Fine. But seriously… if it happens again, I don’t think-”
“Then you won’t tutor me anymore. But it won’t happen, I swear.”
“Fine. Come over at 12 tomorrow and we’ll start a new topic.”
After I hang up, I feel terrible. ‘Just friends’ is the worst relationship I can have with him. I want more.
“Why are you here?” Tara asks.
I glance at Stef from my spot on the living room couch. Alex is only 10 feet away from me, standing right outside the front door.
“Well, I saw Stella’s car here and I just wanted-”
“To ask her out?”
“What? No, I wanted to talk to her about the SAT’s. Do you realize that they’re only two weeks away?”
The small amount of hope that I had is now gone and I’m getting really annoyed at him. Who does he think he is, anyway?
“Yes, I realize that, Alex. But you’re not coming in to talk to her. Leave her alone.”
“But she’s my math tutor!”
“Not anymore.” Tara shuts her front door while Alex is in the middle of speaking and she looks at me. “My cousin is an asshole. You shouldn’t tutor him anymore.”
“But I have to…”
“No, ask for someone else. Tell Mrs. White that Alex is a special case and is absolutely incapable of learning math.”
I think about it for a second. Not tutoring Alex would mean I won’t have to see him anymore. I wouldn’t have to fall for his stupid ‘oh I really do care about you’ acts. But who am I kidding? I couldn’t just give him up altogether…
“Yeah. I’ll think about it,” I lie. I thought about it already, and I’m not quitting on him.
**
“The police dropped this off this morning,” My dad says to me on Saturday night after I come home from Tara’s. It’s nearing 1AM and I have to wonder why he’s even awake right now.
He places Zack’s cell phone into my hands and I stare at it. “Why did they even have this?”
“They wanted to check it to see if he was texting or anything like that at the time of the crash. It’s standard procedure. He wasn’t, but they only just got it back to us now…”
“Why are you giving it to me?”
“Well, I figure you will know what to do with it.”
With that, he stands from his seat at the kitchen table and leaves me alone. That was the strangest conversation I think I’ve ever had with my dad.
After drinking a glass of water, I go upstairs to my room. My mom must have been in here, because it’s cleaner than it was this morning. The bed is made, too.
I open my desk drawer and place the phone down inside it, way in the back. There’s nothing for me to do with it. It’s not like it has a service plan or anything. After I close the drawer I sit down on my bed.
A few months ago, I don’t think I would have had anything to do on a Saturday night. I probably would have just watched TV with Ryan and waited for Zack to get home. Now, however, I have friends. Not just friends, but good friends. Tara and Stef seem to actually care about me, and Kaitlin, Rae and Julia are slightly closer to me than they were before. It’s weird that I had to lose my best friend in order to make more. But it makes sense, in a way.
**
At 9:15 the next morning, my phone is ringing. Even though I wish I could pretend that I don’t know who’s calling, there’s only one person it can really be.
“Hello?” I answer, my voice slightly scratchy from sleeping.
“You’re not tutoring me anymore?”
Alex voice is panicked, and I get a satisfied feeling and I don’t even feel bad about that.
“Well, I don’t-”
“No, Stella, you have to! If I don’t do well on the math part of the SAT, no college is going to want me!”
“Maybe you should have thought about that before you went and messed with your tutors feelings.”
He stays silent on the other end. I can’t help but want to just laugh at him. He deserves this. Then he sighs loudly.
“Stella… Mrs. White isn’t going to give me another tutor if you quit on me. She told me this was my last chance.”
“Well… Alex, you’re just…”
“I’ll stop. I’ll be better. I won’t lead you on. I’ll be your friend and nothing more.”
That’s not quite what I want, but it’s better than being lead on.
“Fine. But seriously… if it happens again, I don’t think-”
“Then you won’t tutor me anymore. But it won’t happen, I swear.”
“Fine. Come over at 12 tomorrow and we’ll start a new topic.”
After I hang up, I feel terrible. ‘Just friends’ is the worst relationship I can have with him. I want more.
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