Learning to Fall

Alex Gaskarth and I are not friends. It has been assumed that we are, but trust me. He was my brother’s friend and only my brother’s friend. Of course, there was the occasional ‘Hey’ when passing each other in the school hallways, but that was the extent of our relationship.

Before the accident, Zack and Alex were inseparable. Zack was constantly over Alex’s house. He only ever really came home to sleep, and even that stopped when they both turned 16 on August 21st. But that was before the accident.

Now, as I stand on my front porch with Alex, I find myself wondering if this is the first time that I’ve ever really been alone with him. I think it is, I decide.

He stands right in front of the window, almost as if to block anybody from looking out at us.

“So…” I begin, trying to build conversation and block out the sounds of the party inside at the same time. I never really understood the concept of parties after funerals.

Alex shoves his hands into his jacket pockets and shrugs. “You looked like you needed to get out of there.”

He walks over to the bench that’s on the side of my front lawn and sits down. He stares at me, head tilted to one side, and it takes me a few more seconds to realize that he wants me to sit down too.

I step down from the porch and walk across the lawn to him. When I sit, I kind of feel a little awkward, even though I’ve known him my whole life.

“How’s Ryan doing?” Alex asks, turning his body so he’s facing me.

“Same as I am, I guess…” I respond, thinking about how my 13 year old brother took the news – not very well. Zack was my best friend and Ryan’s idol.

“I understand… We’re in the same boat, you know. Zack was like a brother to me, so I know how you’re feeling.”

For the first time, I don’t get pissed off at the words ‘I know how you’re feeling’.

“I just… don’t get why it had to be him,” I confess. Alex stays quiet. “I have a question… Why weren’t you in the car that night? Weren’t you going with them?”

I can tell immediately that my question bothers him by the way he sits up straight and his whole body becomes very tense.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says.

He stands and his hands move to the pockets of his shorts. He pats them and I hear his keys jingle and he pulls them out.

“Look, Zack was my best friend… and I know how close you two were. He would want me looking out for you. So…if you need somebody to talk to, or whatever, just find me. Even if we’re in school.”

I nod slowly and his eyes meet mine one last time before he turns and walks down the lawn to the sidewalk where his car is parked. Before he pulls away from the curb, he waves slightly. He drives away, leaving me not quite as alone as I was before.