Learning to Fall

In a sense, I have both lost and gained something. I lost my brother, and at the same time I got Alex. And I know that nobody can ever come close to replacing Zack, there’s no possible way. But Alex helps me move on from that fact.

The first Christmas without Zack is going to be bad – it’s a given. I’ve already caught my mother holding back tears while putting up the last of the Christmas decorations. As bad as it’s going to be tomorrow, I have Alex to help me through it.

“Alex doesn’t know that Jack is coming tomorrow. He’s spending most of the day with his family and then coming to see me… I really hope Alex doesn’t flip,” Tara says to me.

She pays for her coffee and we both go to sit down at the very back of Starbucks. It’s Christmas Eve so there aren’t too many people here.

“He won’t. He confessed to me after your party that he doesn’t think Jack is so bad anymore.”

I smile and take a sip of my hot chocolate.

“Really? That’s good… I just never really figured out why he hated him so much in the first place.”

I shrug. I feel guilty for lying to her. Instead of looking at her I pull my sweatshirt sleeves down so that they’re covering the tips of my fingers. It’s just something I tend to do when I’m nervous - but nobody knows me well enough to know this.

“He’s just looking out for me, I guess,” Tara decides.

“Yeah.”

“Oh!” She bends down and pulls out an envelope from her bag. It’s green and it has a small red ribbon around it. “I got you something.”

“What?” I ask, completely floored. “You shouldn’t have gotten me anything, really – I didn’t get you anything.”

She waves off my excuses and pushes the gift into my hands. “It’s nothing, really. It’s from me and Stef – and technically, I guess it’s more of a gift for Alex.”

I pull the ribbon aside and open the envelope. Inside are two tickets to the Blink182 concert that’s happening in 2 weeks.

“Tara! Are you kidding me? Why are you giving me these?”

“Chill! I bought them in like, June and Stef and I were supposed to go. But now Stef is in Mexico visiting family and I’m actually going away too, so… I decided you and Alex should go together. It’s January 3rd. The day before school starts up again.”

“Wow… Thank you so much, you seriously shouldn’t have.”

“Hey. Don’t worry about it. Alex loves Blink182. You’ll have a lot of fun.”

I manage to smile, but just barely.

**

With the new information that Tara gave me – that Alex loves Blink182 – I haul my ass to the closest music store to see what they have. I’ve seen Alex’s CD collection – he mostly buys his stuff on iTunes so he doesn’t actually own too many CDs.

One of the employees manages to help me find every single Blink182 CD and even some collector’s edition ones. Then he managed to score me some vinyl records. I’ve seen a few records on the shelves in his room – hopefully it’s something he’s into.

If I had known about this beforehand, I wouldn’t have wasted my time buying Alex every single pair of skinny jeans I could find – I suck at picking out gifts, alright?

When I get home at 2:30, my mom is not happy.

“Everyone’s here, but you. Where on earth could you have been, Stella?”

“I had some last minute shopping to do.”

I try to push past her to go up to my room but she’s a few steps ahead of me.

“Stella,” she puts her arm in front of me to stop me from moving. “Put your stuff away and then come right back down. Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

She nods towards the steps and I take them two at a time. When I pass Zack’s room I feel a sudden overwhelming sadness that just seems to be following the past few days. I blame it on the holidays and push my own bedroom door open.

When I look at my bed, something seems off. I stare at it, trying to figure out exactly what is different. The pile of jeans is still there, hidden under tissue paper and the box that I plan to put everything in is right next to it. It’s not until my eyes land on the small silver-wrapped box resting on my bedside table. Underneath it is a white envelope.

Without a second thought, my eyes move to my window – it’s unlocked.

“Damnit, Alex!” I hiss, mostly to myself, but I wish he could hear me.

I walk over and pick up the card. He stuck one of my own sticky notes on it.

‘You really need to learn to lock your windows’

I roll my eyes and pull the card out. It’s a plain white card with a small delicate looking Christmas ornament in the middle. Inside it reads,

I’ve been looking for someone like you, somewhere to belong.
-love alex.

I was going to stop there, and make it simple, but I decided to be totally cheesy –‘Yeah you're bringing out the best in me, I got a bit of a history, but you're telling me you don't care’ ...I’m embarrassed that I just wrote that, but it’s true. You bring out the best in me. And I love you.

*