Learning to Fall

Christmas vacation passes by quickly. One second it’s Christmas and the next it’s January 3rd. Back to school.

As much as I hate school, I guess I love it just as much. I have good grades and now that I actually have some really great friends, it’s not as bad as it used to be. Not mention, I also have Alex.

“My mom signed me up for the SAT in February,” Alex sulks as we walk to my locker. “That barely gives me a month to study.”

“So she knows that you know your grades?”

“Of course. She told me like the day after I found them. I have never heard her scream so loud. Honestly, I thought the neighbors would call the cops for suspected child abuse.”

“Well, good thing we’re going to start studying after school today.”

“What? Oh come on,” he whines. “It’s the first day back!”

“Do you want to get into college or not?”

He pouts and takes my bag from me once we reach my locker. I put the combination in and open the door, grabbing my history text book.

“Fine. We’ll go to my house. My parents are out of town and shouldn’t be home until tomorrow…”

There’s a suggestive tone to his voice and I feel myself blushing. I pre-occupy myself with getting my books and try my best to ignore the way he’s looking at me. I feel his eyes on me and I really just want to disappear instead of being here right now.

“Stells… are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I reply as I stand up. “Fine. But I have to get to class. See you at lunch?”

“I- yeah, um sure…”

I’m walking away by the time he finishes his sentence and I meet up with Jack at the end of the hallway. He walks with me to my next class and discusses what he wants to do for his and Tara’s 3 month anniversary. I try to put my own input into the conversation, but it’s useless – I’m too preoccupied with the way I acted towards Alex.

“Jack,” I say, interrupting him. He looks up from his textbook with an eager expression.

“What’s up? Are you okay? You seemed kind of out of it while I was talking.”

“Yeah… I’m kind of… I don’t know, can I ask you something?”

“Sure…”

“Well… it’s sort of awkward. I just… Alex said something and I don’t exactly know how to respond, or if I should respond at all –”

“You do realizing you’re talking to someone who Alex is not quite the biggest fan of, right?” he jokes.

“Please, I know you two have been getting along lately.”

“Yeah, I know, I was kidding. But what’d he say to you?”

We stop in front of our classroom and I lean against the wall for support. “Well I’m tutoring him in math for the SAT and today we’re going to his house after school to start and he was like ‘my parents won’t be home until tomorrow’ and he said it in like this way that I don’t –”

“You think he wants to have sex with you.”

There’s something about the way that Jack says it so bluntly that makes me realize I’m over reacting.

“I… yeah… I was thinking that…”

“Well, if you think that’s what he was implying, you have to think to yourself if you’re ready for that. Sorry if I’m like being too blunt about it.”

“No… it’s fine… I… God, I don’t know why I’m reacting like this.”

“It’s natural, Stella. I mean, it’s bound to come up sooner or later, right? How long have you guys been dating? Like 2 months?”

“Yeah.”

“Talk to him about it. See what he says. It wouldn’t hurt to know where he stands right now, would it.”

I give Jack a small smile and stand up straight. “How come you’re so smart, Jack?”

“I study.”

*

“You have been acting so weird all day. Can you please tell me what I did wrong, Stells?”

I put my bag on Alex’s living room couch and turn to him and shrug. “I’m fine… I’ve just been thinking about something you said this morning.”

There’s really no turning back now, I have to follow through with this conversation. And I mean, why not? I might as well.

“What did I say this morning? Besides ‘I love you’?”

“When we were talking about coming here after school, you said you’re parents wouldn’t be home until tomorrow-”

I’m interrupted by him slapping himself in the forehead. “I didn’t mean it like that!” he exclaims desperately, moving to stand beside me. “Shit, I really didn’t mean for you to take it that way, I just meant that they-”

“Alex, calm down! It’s fine; I don’t care how you meant it… I think we should talk about it anyway, right?”

His expression turns from horrified to confused in 2 seconds. “Talk about it? Like… what do you mean?”

“I mean, we should talk about it. You know exactly what I’m trying to say.”

“I… okay, fine.” He sits down on the couch where I just put my bag and stares up at me. “Sit down if we’re going to talk.”

I comply with what he says and leave a little bit of room between us, waiting for him to start.

“So? What exactly are we doing? You’re the one who wanted to talk, so talk,” he tells me, crossing his legs underneath him.

I shake my head. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Then what the hell are we doing here, Stella?”

“Okay fine. I just want to know what you’re expecting from me in that… area of our relationship.”

“I’m not ready for anything you’re not ready for. Simple as that, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not, Alex. Not at all. Every guy tells that to their girlfriend and then when they say they’re not ready they dump them! I just need to know… if you mean it.”

His facial expression softens when he realizes how serious I actually am about this and he moves closer to me. “I promise you, I’m not going to push you into anything you don’t want to do. When you’re ready, you’ll know and we can take it from there. Okay?”

I nod, blinking back tears that I didn’t even know where there.

“Why are you crying?” he asks softly, wiping away the single tear that managed to escape.

“I don’t know,” I admit with a laugh, and he smiles and laughs along with me.