Learning to Fall

“He’ll call,” Kaitlin assures me as I reach for my phone for the fifth time in a minute.

I look up at her, unsure. I don’t think he’s going to call back… I’ve called I don’t even know how many times since we left the party early this morning. He didn’t answer once. I’m convinced he’s ignoring me, but I always do think the worst.

“He has to. He’s your boyfriend and if he wants to stay that way, he’ll call, Stella. He has a lot to explain.”

“That’s true…”

She’s right. 100% right. Alex has so much to explain to me. I just… wish he would have the decency to call now. It’s 1 in the afternoon… He’s had about 12 hours to get himself together and figure out everything… He should call.

“Do you have any idea what he’s going to say?” Kaitlin asks and I shake my head.

“No… I don’t know what the hell is going on. I really don’t and I’m fucking… freaking out inside. You have no idea…”

“I’m sorry, Stella… I wish I knew what was going on too. The way you described it… I would have flipped out right there.”

“Maybe I’m being ridiculous. Maybe I’m overreacting. He probably has nothing to do with her…”

Kaitlin nods, but I don’t think she believes it one bit. I don’t even believe it.

“Stella… I actually have to go home… I have a family party that I can’t miss. Will you be alright by yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine… Thanks for coming by, okay? I really, really appreciate it. I needed someone…”

“I know, I get it. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Yeah… okay.”

Once she’s gone, I wish that she didn’t leave. I feel more alone that I did before, just waiting on his call.

**

He calls at 3:30, but not in the form of a phone call. He climbs through my window, and it scares me to admit that I wasn’t the least bit surprised. He stands awkwardly in the middle of my room, as if he’s trying to figure out exactly what to say.

“Honestly… I just… I can’t even imagine what you must be thinking right now,” Is all he says, and that makes me more annoyed than anything.

“You think, Alex? You fucking… I just can’t… I don’t even know what to think!”

“I know, I know… And I’m so sorry… I don’t even know how to explain… I’m not sure what the right way to explain is and… I just…”

“She’s pregnant,” I say simply and he nods. “Is it yours?”

“I…”

“Alex, if you can’t just say it to my face, then you can just leave.”

He runs a hand through his hair and looks down at the floor. “Yeah. It’s mine.”

I breathe in deep, knowing what has to happen. “Just go… please…”

“Stella, I … I –”

“You lied to me.”

“I … I didn’t lie exactly –”

“You didn’t tell me the truth,” I say through tears. I point to my door and he stares at it. “Please just go. I don’t want to see you… I can’t…”

“Okay,” He says simply. He sighs dejectedly and drags his feet as he walks to the door. Once he has it open, he turns and says “Don’t forget, I love you.”

I laugh at the statement and shake my head. “I don’t wanna hear it.”