Learning to Fall

On the first day of March, I decided to stop sulking. Alex is not my boyfriend anymore, he’s going to be a dad soon, and I just can’t be with him. He may not have lied to my face, but he certainly did not tell me the truth. I trusted him, and he destroyed that.

So, on March 1st, I threw all of my energy back into my schoolwork. I hadn’t realized that my grades have slipped slightly, my GPA dropping a point, and my new goal is to fix that. But not only fix it – make it better. If I’m so busy with school, I won’t have time to think about Alex and the kid he’ll be raising in the near future.

*

“With these grades you can go anywhere, really, Stella… You’re taking the SAT’s in November, right?”

“I plan to, yeah,” I reply to my guidance counselor, Mr. Sanchez. He’s shuffling through a bunch of papers on his desk, most of which have my grades on them.

“If you get a high score, we can look into so many options for you. Do you have any idea where you’d want to go?”

“New York, definitely. I want to be in the city…” I answer quickly. I’ve been looking up schools online and have already planned a visit to NYU and Columbia.

“There are plenty of schools for you to look into, then. I’m glad you’ve been looking into these things,” Mr. Sanchez tells me, and then he turns to Kaitlin who’s sitting beside me.

She sits up and quickly acts as if she’s been paying attention this whole time. I however, zone out. I hate these stupid guidance meetings. I was lucky enough to get paired with Kaitlin today, but the other week I wasn’t so lucky. I ended up with Pat Liam and he kept making a big deal out of the fact that I want to go to NYU. I wasn’t surprised… his GPA is horrifyingly low.

After another ten minutes of sitting and listening to Kaitlin tell Mr. Sanchez about her plans to go to Boston University, I’m finally allowed to go back to class. Right now it’s 2:30 so I’m in History.

When I get there and sit down in my seat, Jack is sitting beside me frantically scribbling down his notes in his notebook. He doesn’t look up until he’s finished the last word. “Hey,” he says, handing me his notebook. “You can start copying the notes if you want.”

Jack’s noticed how much more focused I’ve been on school – even more focused than he usually is. I take the notebook and thank him quietly. He’s also noticed how distant I’ve been from him. But I have to be… he’s become really good friends with Alex and I don’t want anything to do with him. I know if Alex asks how I am, Jack won’t hesitate to tell him whatever he knows – which honestly isn’t a lot, but still. I don’t want Alex to know how I’m doing or what I’m doing, or anything.

“How did your guidance meeting go?” Jack asks after the bell rings, signaling the end of the day. “Did he ask you where you want to go?”

“It went well… He did ask, but I don’t think he expects many people to know yet. I just know I want to go to NYU or Colombia… you know, somewhere in New York City.”

“Yeah, I really want to go to Boston College, but Tara’s planning on going to Loyola, which is so close… I don’t want to be away from her while she’s still close to home… But whatever, that’s like two years from now. Anything can happen between now and then.”

“That’s true,” I agree. “You never know…”

“Exactly…” He gives me a suspicious look, one that I know well.

“Jack, I am not going to be with Alex in two years, you can count on that,” I inform him with a roll of my eyes. “I know, anything can happen, but that will certainly not be happening. You can quote me on that.”

With a small smile, I touch his arm gently and start walking in the opposite direction towards my locker. I feel bad that I kind of snapped at him, but I’m so sick of that question! Everyone’s been saying ‘oh you never know, you might change your mind’, but I’m not going to. Not anytime soon, at least.

When I get to my locker, Tara is there waiting. As I put the lock combination in, she holds up a piece of paper.

“I got my scholarship!” she exclaims, causing about ten other people to look our way, and then go back to what they’re doing. “The principle signed it, and now I can mail it in and I can go to Loyola!”

“Wow, that’s great!” I take the paper from her, and when my eyes land on the number, I smile. “That’s a lot… That’s so fantastic, Tara! Your parents are going to be so ecstatic… have you told Jack?”

“No, I haven’t seen him yet. Is he at his locker?”

I nod, trying not to show how guilty I’m feeling because I was kind of rude to Jack… But as she walks away, I just shake my head and pack up my bag to go home.

Of course, nothing is ever simple for me. It hasn’t been since I became closer to Alex. As I’m putting my Math text book in my bag, I see Alex walking towards me. Believe it or not, this will be the first actual contact we’re going to have since I told him to leave my room… I’ve been taking extra careful steps to avoid him since then, until now.

I try my best to hide myself, but that’s pretty much impossible because there’s really nowhere for me to go without being obvious. I stare at my bag, hoping he’ll just walk right on by without saying a single word, but as I said, nothing is ever simple with him. He looks up from his book and stops in front of my locker. I notice that the girl who has the locker that is three away from mine is staring, just waiting to see what’s going to happen.

“Stella.”

He says my name and I cringe inside. I don’t want to hear his voice; I don’t want anything to do with him. I slowly turn around, and he smiles. “Yeah?”

“I uh… never mind.”

His smile is gone and he looks at the floor as he walks away, leaving me alone again. It’s what I wanted, but why do I feel so awful?