Learning to Fall

Our school baseball team is having practice today. It’s April already, and today is their first practice. Tara is making me go. She wants me to talk to Alex. It’s been two weeks since Laurette came and talked to me. Since then, I’ve been keeping in touch with her. I told her she really has to tell my parents. I hope she does it soon because I really hate keeping this secret from them.

Laurette told me that she told Alex that I know the truth. That little bit of info has me convinced that Alex is either waiting for me to make the first move, or he’s just completely done with me.

“I would totally go visit schools with you,” Tara says as we sit down on the top row of the bleachers. “But you want to go to New York, and I hate that. I cannot stand that place, so I’ll have to pass.”

“Yeah that’s fine. I’ll go with my family.”

“You could always go with Alex…”

“You know, that’s a great idea!” I say sarcastically. “Especially since I haven’t spoken to him in nearly 2 months!”

“I still don’t get what you’re waiting for… You know the truth – talk to him!”

“I want to … I just don’t know what to say.”

She turns to me and puts her hand on my arm. “Stella, don’t worry about what you have to say. He’s the one who has a hell of a lot to say, isn’t he?”

I nod but I don’t really agree. I mean, I have to have something to say to him. I can’t just walk over and expect a full blown explanation.

“After practice, you will talk to him, okay?”

“I know….”

I look out onto the baseball field. It rained a lot last month, so the field is green and healthy and ready for the start of another new season. Alex is standing over by first base, about 40 feet in front of me. His back is turned, so he won’t see me.

“Alex looks really good in a baseball uniform…” Tara observes.

I have to agree, but not out loud.

Halfway through the game, Jack decides to join us. He’s carrying a huge bucket of popcorn, and I definitely do not want to know where he got it.

“Sup ladies?”

Tara smiles and I wave. Soon the couple is immersed in conversation about school and the upcoming summer. I’m too busy concentrating on my looming conversation with Alex to join them.

What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore? What if he doesn’t feel the same way still? There are too many possible scenarios – I hate it. I hate not knowing how something will turn out.

“Alex is looking this way,” Tara whispers.

It’s been about an hour since the practice started, and when I look up, I see Alex. He’s staring my way, no emotion evident on his face. I wave slightly, but he just turns back to his practice just in time to catch the ball from Rian who’s over at third base.
I frown. That’s a bad sign… He would have waved back if he was happy to see me, wouldn’t he?

At the end of practice, everyone in the stands get up to leave – except for me. Tara and Jack look at me, confusion evident on their faces.

“I’ll wait for him here… He’ll see me when he comes out to go to his car.”

“You’re going to talk to Alex?” Jack asks.

“Yeah…”

Jack nods and bounds down the steps, running off towards the locker rooms.

“So…. I definitely want to know about how it goes ASAP, okay?” Tara requests.

I nod. “I’ll call you when I get home.”

“Good luck.”

She waves as she walks back towards the school to meet up with Jack.

I end up waiting 20 more minutes before Alex walks out of the school. He’s carrying his Nike bag and his hair is still wet from the showers. He sees me and stands near the home team dugout. He sets his stuff down on the bench and then makes his way up to the top of bleachers to sit with me.

“So…”

He lets his sentence hang there, and he doesn’t say anything more. He doesn’t look at me, even.

“Laurette told me.”

“I know… And… I just really want you to know that I’m sorry, okay?”
He turns to look at me, and I really just want to get up and leave. It would be so much easier than this – than going through all of this stress and apologies.

“Don’t apologize, Alex. You were only trying to help me. And you were helping Zack as well and I… I just… I love you, okay? And I … I want to be with you. If you’ll have me again, that is.”

“Are you kidding me? I’ pretty sure it should be the other way around… If you’ll let me be your boyfriend again, I think I’d be the happiest guy alive.”

I was expecting it to be so much more dramatic – yelling, crying (from me), and so much more… But here he is, making this simple for both of us.

“Of course… I mean, I love you and-”

“I love you too.”

He pulls me closer and smiles before pressing his lips to my own. It’s the first kiss I’ve gotten from him in 2 months, and it feels so amazing, I can’t even explain it the right way.

“I missed you… You keep me sane, in a way…” he whispers. “I need you. It’s crazy how much, but I need you in my life… you bring out the best in me, like I said…”

“You have no idea how much I missed you… All I did was study and do homework… I mean, I brought up my grades, but I was so miserable without you…”

“I’m sorry I made you think that Laurette’s kid was mine… I just… I didn’t want anyone to think any less of Zack. And at the party, I thought she was going to tell you the truth, and I just couldn’t let that happen. Zack was my best friend –”

“Alex,” I interrupt. “I understand. You don’t have to explain anything to me. I mean, I wish I had known about Laurette, but it’s fine. I know now, and she’s hopefully going to tell my parents soon. They need to know. They have every right to know.”

“They do,” Alex nods. “You’re right. Did Laurette tell you everything that happened?”

“No, what happened?”

He wraps his arm around my shoulder and leans back against the bleaches. “When she told Zack she was pregnant, he called me up and told me that he was moving away. I was like ‘what are you talking about man’ and he started telling me how he cheated on Rebecca and now it’s come back to haunt him. I was seriously on the verge of laughing. He sounded like such an idiot.” Alex sighs gently and pulls me closer. “And then he decided he would have to break up with Rebecca and just deal with everything. But he made it clear that he didn’t want his family to know – especially you. When I asked him why, he said ‘because she’s my little sister. She’d think so much less of me if she knew the details’. I thought that was pretty awesome of him… he loved you so much. He would have done anything for you, you know?”

I nod. “I know… he was awesome… he was my best friend. I really miss him.”

With a smile, Alex shakes his head. “If you think about it though, he pretty much brought me and you together without even being here.”

“You’re right… And where would you be without me?”

“Definitely not where I am right now, obviously.”

“Well, you might have still needed a math tutor, and maybe you would have gotten me.”

“If Zack was still alive, I would not have had the guts to ask you out… He would not have allowed it. And besides, I still need a math tutor,” he adds with a slight laugh. “I did better on the SAT, but not good enough. I’m relying mostly on my baseball skills… a Molloy representative is coming to the opening game… it’s in 2 weeks. I have to get ready.”

“You’ll do great… and you’re definitely not taking the SAT again?”

I wish he would. It’s not good to rely on something like baseball – you never know what can happen between now and then.
“No,” he laughs. “Definitely not. I can’t sit through another one. And me and math just don’t go well together.”

“I guess… Well, no matter what, I’ll be here for you, you know that.”

“For a while, I thought I lost you. I thought I would never have another shot again. And I was pretty mad at Laurette for telling you the truth… she was supposed to keep her promise. But she was just so sick of seeing me so miserable – and now I’m really fucking glad she told you.”

*