Learning to Fall

It’s the second day of school, and again I’m sitting outside by myself for lunch. It’s not because I have no friends. A few girls I know are sitting in the cafeteria right now, but I chose to sit out here alone.

I want to be alone because I only make things awkward. Nobody ever knows what to say around me anymore. They’re always on eggshells. I don’t have anybody who I can call a best friend, but my closest friend Kaitlin was even acting weird around me.

So to avoid the conversation that is bound to be uncomfortable, I sit outside and do homework while I eat lunch. I realize that by doing this I’m pushing them away, but there’s nothing I can really do.

“Stella, why are you out here by yourself?”

I look up at the sound of Alex’s voice and I shield my eyes from the bright sun to get a good look at him. He’s looking down at me with an odd expression.

“I’m just… doing homework.”

“Oh.”

“Um… so what’s up?”

I think this is the most I’ve ever talked to him at school. It’s weird.

“Nothing… I have to do my math homework. Would you mind if I sat with you?”

I shake my head and look back down at my textbook. I’m doing my chemistry homework. I can’t believe it’s only the second day and I have homework in pretty much every class!

“Thanks.” He sits down beside me on the bench and pulls out his Pre-Calc textbook. “But I think I know the real reason that you’re out here.”

I look over at him and take in his side profile. His dirty blonde hair is in his eyes, slightly, and he’s wearing a small smile.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s the same reason that I’m by myself, isn’t it? You don’t want to be around people who don’t know how to talk to you?”

“Yeah… sort of.”

He nods and pulls out a piece of loose-leaf. I watch as he writes down the first problem and then stares at it.

“It’s just that… I feel like I make my friends uncomfortable.”

“Same.”

“They don’t know what to say.”

“I know.”

He’s still staring at the same problem, not writing down anything.

“Do you need help?”

“With math? Well, of course I do. But I’m supposed to try it on my own. Thanks, though.”

I look back down at my own work and feel kind of stupid. Why did I ask that? It’s kind of rude. I barely know him, really.

“Hey, so um… how’s your mom doing?” Alex asks ten minutes later. He’s moved on from question one and is halfway through number two.

“She’s not very good, honestly. She’s still really upset.”

“Of course she is… It’s expected.”

We fall silent again and he scribbles down an answer for his second problem. It took him twice as long as it would have taken me, but whatever.

“So how are you doing?” is his next question.

“Fine.”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re not a very good liar.”

“You barely know me.”

“So that means you’re an awful liar.”

“Whatever.”

I start to get up and pack my stuff away, but his hand rests on my shoulder and I pause.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s fine,” I lie and slowly sit myself back down. He’s staring at me intently. It’s making me uncomfortable, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

“Zack… Zack was my best friend, which you already know. He always talked about you. It was always like ‘my sister is so smart, I swear’ or ‘Stella’s going to go places’ and I was always like, I don’t know her well enough to agree. But I wish I did get to know you.”

“Why?” I hear myself ask.

“Because you were such a big part of Zack’s life. I probably took him away from you a lot. We should have hung out at your place more often.”

“You didn’t take him away from me. I hung out with him a lot.”

“I guess… I feel bad about it, though.”

My eyes narrow and I’m kind of confused. I don’t understand why he would feel bad at all. He was my brother’s best friend. Of course he would hang out with him all the time.

“I have a question… do you know the answer to this?”

He points at a math problem that he’s almost finished. “23,” I answer and he thanks me.

“Well, I have to get going.” He stands up and slips his math homework into his backpack. “I have math next and I have to show her my homework before I hand it in. Let’s just say I suck at math.”

I laugh a bit. He walks away and I notice that people turn to whisper to each other as he walks by.