Learning to Fall

At home, Mom questions me about the whole math tutoring situation. She’s been doing it since she found out about it, but now it’s ten times worse. Now she knows who I’m tutoring.

“Alex Gaskarth? I always thought he was a really smart kid.”

“Well, I guess he just has trouble with math.”

“… Are you going to do it?”

“Do what? Tutor him? I have to.”

I look down at my notebook. I spent the past hour and a half outlining what Alex needs to know for the SAT’s that are coming up in November. I’m starting off slow and just doing some simple Binomial Expansion. Well, it’s simple to me, at least. Who knows if he’ll be able to do it?

“No, you don’t have to. You can ask for someone else.”

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. You might be uncomfortable around him… Because of how close he was with your brother.”

I just stare at my Mom. She’s got to be kidding me.

“That makes no sense. I’m going up to my room.”

I gather all of my books from the kitchen table and put them back into my backpack. Mom doesn’t say another word, just goes back to washing the dishes from dinner.

I walk upstairs and on my way to my bedroom, I have to pass Zack’s room. The door is closed and the ‘Caution: Do Not Enter’ sign in still hanging up. I ignore it and push the door open anyway.

Inside, it looks exactly like it did before. His posters are still up and the bed is, of course, un-made. I guess Mom hasn’t had the courage to come in here yet.

His laptop is still on, and the screensaver is playing. Out of curiosity, I take the three steps towards it and sit down in the computer chair. I’m waiting for the moment that I freak out and need to get the hell out of here, but so far I don’t feel it.

I move the mouse and the regular screen comes back up. His AIM is on and there’s an IM window open. It’s between Zack and Alex, but Alex is the only one who’s said anything. The time he sent it was 1:22AM. On the same day Zack died. It reads, ‘man, I’m sorry’.

I sit and stare at it for maybe 30 seconds before the horrifying realization that I’m in Zack’s room reading his IM’s hits me. If he was still here, I would be so dead.

I bolt from the room in a matter of seconds and slam the door shut behind me. I turn to walk the rest of the way to my room, but I’m stopped by my Dad walking out of the computer room.

“Are you alright, Stells?”

“Fine,” I answer, keeping eye contact to a minimum.

“Were you just…?”

He points to Zack’s closed door and I simply nod, pushing past him to get to my bedroom.

**

Sitting in my AP math class, I start to get nervous. I’m meeting Alex after school by my locker. He said we’re going to work at his house. I don’t want to go. I’m nervous like you have no idea and I just know something bad is going to happen.

Mrs. White is going over some extensive equation that I have already finished and gotten right. She’s explaining it to some girl who’s just not getting it. This gives me time to silently freak out.

There’s no sense in denying how attractive Alex Gaskarth is. If you deny that, then there must be something wrong with your vision. His dirty blonde hair hangs perfectly in his eyes, which are brown. He’s tall and really skinny, which I usually don’t find very attractive, but it just works for him. Overall, he’s just a really hot guy. Which is why I’m so anxious.

Most of the senior girls are in love with him. I found this out from Zack one day when he was ranting about how unfair it is that Alex gets all the girls at the parties. I mean, I think Zack was a little over-dramatic, because he’s had his fair share of girlfriends (who all showed up at the funeral practically drowning in tears). It’s pretty much expected for me to be so nervous, right?

The bell rings at exactly 2:45. I was hoping that it would run a little late, but that’s just my luck. Now I have to pack up and get to Alex’s locker before 3.

I pack up quickly because I really don’t have too much homework and I make the journey down the senior hallway. A few of them stare at me. Most of them are boys because they were friends with Zack and probably know who I am just because of that reason. The girls who take second glances at me are Zack’s ex-girlfriends. They give me a sympathetic look and then turn back to whatever story they were just telling their friends.

Alex’s locker, according to him, is right next to the girl’s bathroom. When I get there, I lean against the wall and get ready to wait for him. His locker neighbor, however, keeps me from doing so.

“Are you waiting for Alex?” he asks, shoving a textbook into his backpack.

“Yeah… I am.”

“Well, he just left. I was in the middle of a conversation with him and he just bolted.”

I stand there awkwardly for a few seconds longer than I should have, but finally I have the sense to walk away.

“Thanks,” I say as I turn towards the doors. The boy waves me off and I feel like an idiot.