Learning to Fall

My Mom had to pick me up from school since Alex ditched me. My excuse to her was that he actually couldn’t do it today and we’re re-scheduling. She believed it.

When I got home, I took a long hot shower and then did all of my homework. I hate to admit it, but I was actually waiting for him to call and apologize, or at least explain. But never did. Why would he? He’s a senior, I’m a junior who’s helping him pass math. No big deal. I’m not very important. And maybe he doesn’t have my number.

Even I have to laugh at that one. He would have my house number.

At 9:45, somebody knocks at my bedroom door. Dad walks inside after I tell him that it’s okay, and he sits down in my computer chair.

“Hey, Stella.”

“Hi…”

“I just thought we could talk for a few minutes.”

“Um, yeah… sure. About what?”

“Zack.”

“Oh, god. Do we have to?” I whine and he just nods.

“Yes. Because we really haven’t at all yet.”

“I don’t want to.”

I burry my head into my pillow and try to block out his voice. It doesn’t work.

“You know Zack loved you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“He was your brother; he was very protective of you-”

“Yeah, I know that, thanks.”

I smile at the memory of Zack threatening to kill Mike Fiore if he ever ‘came close to his sister ever again’. Mike Fiore deserved it, though. He was a jerk.

“I’m just… you know, trying to make things better, Stella. We all miss Zack. He was so young and…”

He trails off, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes and I put my hand on his shoulder.

“Dad, it’s okay. I miss him, but he’s gone and we have to try to move on. It’s what he would want us to do.”

Dad nods slightly and stands up awkwardly from the chair. He runs his hand through his graying hair and sighs. “I’m just not sure how to do that, Stells.”

His sentence all but breaks my heart and when he leaves, I find myself right back where I was on the day Zack died – crying alone in my room, and not even sure what to make of what just happened.

****

August 27th started out just as it should have. A beautiful summer day. I had been spending my day getting ready for school which would start in one week. The only thing unusual about that day was that Zack was in a bad mood.

He was moping in the kitchen when I came down for lunch and when I asked him what was wrong, he just glared at me and told me to leave him alone. Even his response was unusual, because he was never really mad at me. And I hadn’t done anything to him that I could remember, at least.

When 6:00 came and went, that’s when I realized there must be something wrong with him. He’s usually out by now. But again, when I asked him about it, I got the same response, but he actually stormed up to his room and didn’t come back out until 9:30.

“I’m going out with Peter and Mike,” was his rushed reply to Mom’s question of ‘where are you going?’

“Oh… not Alex?”

“No. Not Alex.” He shocked me by giving me a tight hug. “When I get home,” he said to me, “we can watch the Pirates movies. Sound good?”

I remember nodding and smiling, because we had been planning to watch all 3 ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movies in one night, we just hadn’t had the chance yet. And obviously, we never will.

**

“Hey, Stella… I’m sorry about yesterday…”

The voice behind me sounds strained and nervous. I knew who it was before they even spoke. I turn from my locker and look at Alex. He truly does look sorry…

“It’s alright, I guess… But where did you go?”

“I just had to take care of something… I should have told you, I know. But I was rushed.”

I take a good look at him before I respond. His hair is a mess and his clothes are wrinkled. His eyes have dark circles under them. They weren’t nearly as obvious yesterday.

“It’s fine, Alex.”

“It’s not… But I’ll make it up to you, honestly. How about today? I will meet you at your locker. We can go to my house.”

“Okay. That’s fine with me.”

My lie sounds convincing, thankfully. I do not want to go to his house. I do not want to be alone with him.

“I promise I won’t ditch like I did yesterday.”

I nod as a response and he grins. As a group of girls in my grade walk by us, I see them stare at us with wide eyes. Alex ignores them.

“Well, I have to get to class…” I tell him, slamming my locker shut. “I’ll talk to you later, I guess.”

I walk away after he says goodbye. I think that whole conversation went fairly well. I don’t think I said anything stupid or embarrassing. Now all I have to do is figure out exactly how to act around him… Why the hell do I have to be so good at math?