It's Been One ***ing Year

I’m sitting here – thinking of you. There’s no grave I can go visit. You never wanted that. Instead, your body was cremated and your ashes spread into the world – the wind carrying it away.

But really; those ashes weren’t you. You were already far away from those burned remains.

And though I wish that you are somewhere good, then I can’t help but feel that you’re still right here; with me. You never seemed to leave me. It’s like I can still see you.

When I close my eyes, I can still see your face. Even though I’m usually horrible at remembering faces – even names – yours has never faded. I can still close my eyes and see every inch of your face – every fall, every crease, every slight change in color depending on the time of day.

I can still feel your hair in the palm of my hand. How soft and full it was. How I never seemed to be able to see your scalp. Only your ears were able to be seen, since they goofily poked out on each side of your head.

Your scent is one I’ll always remember, and never find anywhere else. Your natural smell. It was sweet, musk, dry, earthy – healing. If I just closed my eyes and inhaled your aroma, nothing in the world was or could harm me. Even now – with my eyes closed and my heart close to breaking – the recollection of your scent heals me, at least just for a moment.

I still remember your eyes. That deep, hazel-brown color that seemed to be absorbed into those black orbs, whenever I’d just stare into your eyes up close. You never looked sad. Even your pupils seemed to be more of a dark-blue, than black.

You never looked sad. I never felt sadness around you. I never felt sad, when I was around you.
You always made me smile. Even on the worst of days, and even near the end, I could never hold back a smile when I saw you.
Even now, when tears are welling up in my eyes, I still have a smile stretched across my face.

I think of you, and I smile. I love you, and I cry.

But I don’t miss you – I don’t allow myself to. Because missing someone means that you want them back and I can’t want that. I won’t allow myself to be that selfish.

You never admitted it, but I still know that your last few months were painful. You didn’t move much and though you always put on a brave face, I still saw the pain in you. You got tired so quickly. You slept so long. You barely ate.

Yet one thing you never denied was the fact that you went through it for me. You never said it, but I know. Those last few months were for me – you went through them for me. Even though I never told you, it was like you could sense that I needed you, and you hung on until I was ready to let you go.

I’m so sorry for that. I never wanted to cause you pain. I never intended to be so selfish.

I’m so grateful for those months. You taught me to fight, to love and to appreciate what I’ve got – because the next day, it could be gone.

Freedom was a feeling you made me appreciate. When you ran through the fields, roads, paths, clearings and made me follow you like you were the one on a leash, you taught me the true feeling of freedom. You were never on a leash. You were never tied down. And yet; you stayed here – you stayed with me.

You taught me options instead of limitations. Maybe that’s why I’m still smiling through my tears. Maybe that’s why I always laugh instead of rage. Maybe that’s why I’m loving the ones I love, instead of hating the ones I hate.

You never hated. You never fought. You didn’t need to. The only time you ever ran away was when someone screamed out in pain. You ran away to the only place we both knew was safe. I ran after you, and when I caught up, you let me hold you.

I always held you. Your head would lie on my arm, so that both of my hands were free to caress your soft hair. You loved it when I ran my palm over it. Perhaps you loved it so much, because you knew I loved it – and that I loved you.

I must’ve kissed you a billion times in attempt to show you, but all those kisses were never enough. No amount of kisses could ever show how much I loved you – how much I still love you.

It’s been a year since I lost you, but 11 years since I met you. And though I can’t remember them in detail, then I do remember each and every day I had with you.

You’re the only reason I still believe in love, because I will always love you.

To this day; to this hour; to this minute, it’s a year since you went away.

But I never did lose you.

Because I still love you.