Don't Make This Easy, I Want You to Mean It.

Alex
It had been over a day since I had told her. I'd attempted to stay in my room the entire time, but Jack came over and literally dragged me out of my room whilst Marissa was at work. I'd wanted to stay in the entire time, staring around my room at everything she'd left behind. Everything she'd touched and everything that even remotely reminded me of her. I wanted everything preserved, and I wanted it to stay the same forever. I knew Jasey, I knew she wouldn't forgive me, but I hoped to God she would keep her promise - though hoping in vain, it was clear. This was one of the things I loved about her, that she was always so strong, but when she needed help she always turned to me, and now it was driving her away. She needed help and she couldn't come to me, she was too proud and confused to come to me and make everything okay with us again.
It was around seven when I returned home. The house was empty and dark, my parents over at the Rae's. It was going to hurt so much living next door to them, always reminding me of their daughter. They would never like me again, not after I'd hurt their little girl. As conceited as it sounded, I knew I had hurt her more than anyone else ever had. I could see it in her face, in the way she sat so rigid when I told her, the tone of her voice when she spoke next.
I trudged up to my room, not bothering to turn on any of the lights as I went and bumping into far more objects than I had done in my entire life, tripping up the stairs twice as I went. It had been over 24 hours since I had eaten, but merely thinking about food made me feel like I wanted to be sick. Like I'd told her, nothing felt right without her, and she wasn't even officially gone yet - though it was only a matter of time.
It was in the bathroom when I first noticed something was wrong. Her hair dryer had always lain on my bathroom sink, plugged in to the side. My mother never moved it; she always said that was my job. Holly was a guest in our home, and I was to clean up anything she accidentally left lying around. I never did. It was my bathroom, and it was just one more bit of clutter added on to my own huge pile. I couldn't place where it could be. She couldn't have been over here, could she? I opened the bathroom cupboard: her brush and face wash had gone too. I stumbled back into my bedroom in a blind panic, flicking the light switch on as I went.
Pulling open her drawer, I found it empty. Everything was gone. There wasn't even a thread left from any of her clothes or anything. No more makeup on my desk, no more shoes in the corner with mine, none of the junk I had always pretended annoyed me.
My heart started to crack as I spotted a piece of paper stuck to my mirror. I didn't know if I dared open it, only knew that I would have to at some point. I stared at it, pondering everything it could possibly be. Could she be breaking her promise? After all, I'd broken every single one of mine; it was only fair for her to do the same. I walked at a slow pace to the mirror, ignoring the lack of her random writings on my desk below it, and picked the paper off the mirror. I didn't want to open it even remotely but, as I watched myself open it, I knew that I'd lost all control over anything I did.
'I'm out.'
The words tore my heart into infinite pieces. I couldn't believe I'd managed to lose her. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid; so reckless and unthinking. There was more to the note, more to read, though only a few words more. I didn't want to read it, I crumpled the paper in the palm of my hand and made my way down the stairs.
I didn't bother picking up my keys as I left, instead picking up the closest bottle of alcohol I could and leaving the house, not even locking it. I didn't even bother to think what would happen to our belongings - I didn't care.
It took an hour to get to my destination, by which time I couldn't walk straight, stumbling up the stairs to where I wanted to be. The door wasn't far ahead of me as I stopped in my tracks. I didn't know if I should do it - whether it would make it better, or make it worse. Another gulp of the liquid told me that it was a good idea, that it was now or never – and that never would be too painful.
I raised my fist to the door, hitting it hard and shouting for Holly to open. Though the slurring in my voice was apparent, I knew she’d come. She couldn’t say no. It may seem like I was thinking with my ego, but I knew Holly Rae could not, and would not, deny me my chance to beg.
It was only eight-thirty, so I was more than shocked to see her neighbour stumbling out of the door, bleary eyed in a dressing gown.
“Gaskarth? What are you doing here?” He yawned, staring at me in curiosity.
“I need to talk to Jasey,” I mumbled in reply, feeling pathetic.
“Alex, she doesn’t live here any more. She moved out this afternoon. I helped her carry her things to the car…” he told me.
“She- she’s gone?” He nodded at me slowly. “I’ll just wait for Jack and Marissa to come back. Sorry for waking you.” He nodded, shutting the door in silence as I slid down the wall. She was gone – she had actually left and it was all my fault.
The bottle lay on the floor beside me, no longer as tempting as it had been on the way here. I buried my head in my hands, finally coming into contact with the paper I had forgotten in my palm. My head shot up, staring at the ball of paper I held.
Slowly, I straightened it out, getting rid of as many creases as possible before I read her final words to me:

'P.S. I loved you.'