Chasing Chaos

Tom: The one I could never live without.

I could never exactly grasp what held me to him. I didn’t understand how we could love each other so absolutely and never be in love. What was it that bound us to one another in such an inexplicable way? A way that our friends and our family marveled over. A way that his brother would later claim was ‘more than love’. Why could we never stay angry with one another? Why was he the first person I turned to even when I knew what I’d done would hurt him? Why did he forgive me?

But to me, to him, none of the answers really mattered in the long run. The only important part was that we were us and we were together through everything, even when he was oceans away. He was my safety net, my warm blanket, my ride-or-die.

And that’s it. The only thing I can say about him. Everything else sounds wrong or foolish or trite. Everything else is just words.

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Oli: The one that I had to live without.

I didn’t care. Totally absolutely didn’t care about him any longer. Not in that particular way. I mean, it had been four years since the big meltdown. That’s time enough to get over someone. More than enough time. So beyond enough time. Plus it’s not like we were ever together per say. So I’m not entitled to him; I don’t have some ages old claim on him. Well, not one that anyone would take seriously. Nothing that was written in wet cement or carved into a tree or anything. It wasn’t like that. It was mostly just a little girl crush. After so long, stuff like that just stops mattering.

I didn’t mind seeing him around either. And I saw him around a lot. His brother was my best friend on the planet. His friends were my friends. We traveled in the same circles, if you will. However we never spent any substantial amount of time together. He had that band thing going for him and I was busy with Uni and stuff. But when they were home, we frequented the same places. The same house parties, the same clubs; that sort of stuff. He’d wave at me or me at him and we’d maybe say a couple words. The normal ‘hey, how are you’ kind of things. It wasn’t awkward or anything. We’d matured past dwelling on our petty fight. We were very pleasant with one another. But never were we close like we were during the summer I was sixteen.

That’s something that’s always bothered me about life. That you can’t go back. You can’t reverse the things you say and do. It’s like how tea cools on its own but never heats on its own. Some physics principle or another. Once something is done, you don’t undo it. It’s there forever. You can’t go back.

And I’m not sure I’d want to. All that stuff was really complicated and intense. Too intense for a summer fling but apparently not enough to be something more. I don’t know. It was a messed up time in my life. My rebellious stage or something. And after it had ended, I got back on track. I think that going back to how I was the summer I stayed out all night every night chasing chaos might be a bad idea. Because I was kind of good at it. I made rebellion look like an art form. Just like he did. We were a good pair for those few months. But I guess you’ve gotta grown up sometime. It’s just weird saying that Oli was the reason I grew up so fast.

It’s surprising to me how non-bitter I am about the situation. There are some girls that wish him nothing but car accidents and house fires. In some cases, he probably deserves the ill-will. Just not in mine. Though the end came with a vicious screaming match in front of his house, though it came with a lot of tears… It was okay. After all the trouble, there was just catharsis. Overwhelming relief and understanding.

Maybe it was because I knew what he was like all along. I knew what to expect. I knew that he wasn’t perfect and that he hurt people. I knew I’d get hurt. Maybe I wanted to get hurt. But also, maybe it was because I knew he’d been right to end our non-relationship. It was wrong from the start, never destined to last. Never carved in any trees.