Chasing Chaos

2005

Gracie had never seen me so venomous. I was rarely ever angry; generally I became embarrassed or depressed before I was even close to anger. But this particular occasion warranted my venom and I was terrifying with the heat of it. “We don’t gotta go in there,” she said, holding my hand as we crossed the lawn of the house. An after party was raging inside already. I would have been surprised by my willingness to go back to the party scene after what had happened the weekend before.

“Oh yes we do.” I tugged forward.

“’E’s probably not even ‘ere. ‘E probably went home and passed out; ‘e were wasted.”

“It’s a party, Graceann. The goddamn king of the scene wouldn’t miss that.”

“Slow down, Anna,” she pleaded.

“No.” I seethed.

“Maybe yeh jus’ need a drink, to calm yehself.”

I glared at her, releasing her hand. “Calm myself? Did yeh hear anythin’ I told yeh? ‘E called me ‘is little brother’s mate. Somethin’ is goin’ on ‘ere.”

Right before we reached the door, she grabbed my wrist and pulled me to a stop, making me face her. “Anna, I think that yeh need to really think about this. Are yeh surprised at all? This is Oli we’re talkin’ about… ‘E’s not a saint, yeh know that.”

“Trust me, I know… But I jus’…” I thought that I was the exception to his rules, the change he wanted to make. Empowered again with anger, I broke from her grip. “I gotta talk to ‘im.” And I disappeared into the house, leaving Gracie behind.

He wasn’t in the kitchen by the drinks, surprise colored my expression. He wasn’t in the main room with the music and the video games. He wasn’t hugging the toilet either. I began to think that maybe Gracie was right, that he wasn’t there at all. But I knew him and I knew he was there. I could feel a fire building beneath my skin. He was close.

As I made to exit the back door to continue my search, someone tapped me on the shoulder. Why did I hope that it was Oli, that he was seeking me out like I was him? Why was I even angrier when it was only Nicholls? “What?” I spit with a sneer.

“Tom were lookin’ for yeh,” Matt said, taken back by my spite.

“I don’t care about Tom.” The first and only time I would ever say this. “Where’s Oli?”

“Uh, I dunno, Tom might know—“ He was acting rather shady and I could the distinct impression that he was trying to distract me.

“Excuse me, I’veta find Oliver.” I reached for the door knob again.

“Hold on, Anna, wait.” Though he was as drunk as everyone else, he looked quite genuine and I noted that this was the second time this evening that he displayed this sincerity.

“Hmm?”

“Jus’ remember that even though Oli does some pretty stupid things… ‘E’s got heart. ‘E jus’ don’t know ‘ow to use it.”

This just aggravated my nerves a little bit more. I didn’t want to be told about Oli’s alleged heart. I would make my own judgments regarding that matter. “Thanks…” I went outside, very certain that this was where I would find the boy that had crawled through my window several nights before, the boy that told me how he’d like to wake up next to me.

And he was there, sitting in the back garden on a mostly ornamental bench. In a sorry state. Head in his hands, hunched over and surrounded by no one, though there were several people in the yard. They seemed to be ignoring him, or he them.

“Oy!” I walked up to him and pushed his shoulder.

His eyes struggled to open. “Savanna?”

“Where’s yeh blonde friend?”

“What?”

“Nothin… Can I talk to yeh a minute?”

He blinked, straightening up as best he could. “I’ve a head on me—wait, wha’re yeh doin’ ‘ere… I told Gracie to take yeh home.”

“You told ‘er? I’m not sure when yeh became my Mum.”

“Sav—“

“Don’t yeh dare tell me to go home again. Not until we’ve ‘ad a word.”

“Yeah, maybe we do need to talk.” He stood up, wobbling only slightly.

“No maybes. We do. Like we need to talk about where yeh get off callin’ me yeh little brother’s mate.”

He was startled by my attitude and looking rather like he’d been caught. “Well, yeh are…”

I clenched my teeth. “I know we was never official about anythin’ but Jesus Oli, I thought I was a little more to yeh than yeh little brother’s mate.”

With much reluctance, he said “I think yeh’ve the wrong idea about us, Sav.”

I didn’t like that he used his cute little nickname for me in such a grave tone. “What idea is that?”

“Yeh’ve the idea that we’re more than we really are.” He was trying his best to hide the slurred edge of his words.

“An’ what are we really?”

His apathetic expression was forced, maybe feigned, as he said “Nothin. We’re nothin.”

I breathed slow and deep, to keep the fire in my chest from erupting out of my throat. “Nothin?”

He nodded, a painful affirmative. “Been tryin’ ta tell yeh that, Sav… Yer a nice kid but…”

“But I were jus’ one o’ yer conquests.” I took a step away from him, scoffing. I was disgusted with us both.

“It sounds bad when yeh say it like that.”

“Isn’t it bad?” My voice rose, perhaps drawing the attention of bystanders.

“I didn’t think yeh’d be so… attached.”

“’Ow was I supposed to NOT be attached? We spent all summer together, yeh wanker. Yeh said the right fuckin’ things, did the sweetest fuckin’ things! What’d yeh expect?” This definitely drew attention.

“Calm down, Savanna.”

“And quit callin’ me Savanna. It’s Anna, AN-NA. Not Savanna and not fuckin’ Sav.”

“I didn’t mean…” He seemed to be very troubled by all of this. Or maybe he was just drunk. I wished he would stop pretending to feel bad.

“Yeh didn’ mean what? To be a bleedin’ bastard? No, I think, yeh knew exactly what yeh was doin’. Yeh jus’ don’t care what happens to anyone but yehself. Oh honestly, ef I was nothin’ to yeh, yeh coulda told me a bit sooner so I weren’t so invested.”

He looked nearly remorseful. “Sav… I mean Anna,” he cringed. “Yeh don’t understand…”

“No, I understand fuckin’ perfectly. Yer the one who doesn’t understand. Yeh don’t understand what yeh can do to people. Make ‘em feel fuckin’ special an’ then fuck it all up.”

In an off handed way, he said “I never heard yeh get so foul-mouthed.”

“Well, I never ‘ad a goddamn reason before now.”

He shook his head over and over, his face etched with confusion or inebriation or something. “This is for the best, yeh know.”

“Yeah, yer probably right. Better now than later too, I suppose… An’ I shouldn’ expected anythin’ more from yeh. I shoulda known better. Tom were right. I’m a fuckin’ moron.” By now, we had an audience. People I knew and people I didn’t. They would all know me after this.

“No… no, yeh ain’t. Yer a smart lass. Brilliant. Yeh’ll be fine without me.”

“Damn right I will be.” I looked around and everyone was staring at us. I was no longer invisible Anna, instead volatile Savanna. “I mean, what are yeh anyway? Some bloke in a shitty local band, who spends ‘is days gettin’ piss drunk, pukin’ behind clubs and chasin’ blonde birds, goin’ fuckin’ no where… Yer right, it is for the best.” My indignation would have been embarrassing if it hadn’t been sort of accurate.

For the first time, I’d said something that angered him. “Fuck yeh, Anna,” he said my name with edges of malice. “Ef I’m as fuckin’ worthless as yer makin’ me sound, why are yeh practically in love with me?”

“In love with yeh? Ha, right,” I derided. “No one is ever gonna love yeh… Because yeh won’t let ‘em.”

“That’s not… It isn’t…” But he had nothing to fill the gaps in his sentences.

“Exactly. You’ve nothin’ to say.” Haughty and fearless, I continued. Three months ago, I would never have been confident enough to pull this off. I had him to thank for this bold tirade. “I may be pathetic for fallin’ for yer bollocks, the trips to London and the cute fuckin’ Polaroids and fuckin’ whatever… But I’m not as pathetic as yeh are ‘cause at least ‘m not a liar.”

His mouth dropped. “I ain’t a liar.”

“Oh, that’s right, yeh don’t ever say anythin’ important so yeh can’t be a liar… Jus’ fake.”

His anger faltered, faded. “Savanna…” Sweetly he spoke.

“I swear ef I’ve to hear yeh say my name like yeh do one more time, I’ll fuckin’ vomit. It makes me sick.”

He shook his head, disbelief or something like it. “I can’t … Don’t yeh see I’ve to say this stuff. I ‘ad to do—“

“Whatever.” I’d stopped listening. “G’bye.” I turned and started across the yard.

“Where are yeh goin?”

“I’m doin’ what yeh told me to. I’m goin’ home.”

“Wait, don’t—“ He followed me to the house.

“Leave me alone, Oliver.” It was a demand. A request that he would honor as long as I let him.

---

2009

Katie Estock was a lot like Gracie Donovan. She was loud, very opinionated and dressed as if she’d just stepped out of CGBG’s circa 1979. She was covered in tattoos and into interior design, Jack Daniel’s and red lipstick. She’d spent the entire summer back home in Flint, Michigan and I’d missed her no nonsense attitude. Most importantly however, she made Birmingham a lot more exciting and as a result, I would have no one else as my roommate.

When she pulled up in front of my parents’ house, I was already waiting for her, sitting on the front steps. All my boxes were packed. Tom and I had stayed up until seven in the morning double checking my lists to make sure I took everything I needed with me. So as Katie exited her car, I felt very relieved that all I had to do was put everything in her trunk and get the hell out of Sheffield.

Katie, with her blue-fading-to-green-shaved-on-one-side hairdo and Doc Martens, took one look at me and said “Long summer?”

“Yeh’ve no idea.” I stood up and Katie pulled me into a one-armed hug.

“Tell me everything,” she said, looping one arm around my waist as I lead her into the house.

As we figured out how to fit all of my things into her mid-sized car, I recounted the summer the best I could. I started with the first day, with Oli walking in on me in the bathroom and with meeting Peter at the park. It didn’t take long for Katie to figure out that Peter was not the star of my story, though he should have been. Katie knew that the real point of interest was the secretly sensitive metal frontman and our past together. Of course, I had to also recount the summer of 2005 for the summer of 2009 to make any sense to her. By the time I had finished my story, ending with the tumultuous Reading, there was only a lamp and a box left to carry outside.

“Shit,” Katie said with humor in her voice. “And to think the highlight of my summer was having sex behind the windmill on a putt-putt course.” She laughed, garish but pleasant. “I didn’t know that you had it in you, Anna.”

“’ad what in me?”

“Adventure. Trouble, whatever. You always seem like you’ve got it so together. Little miss law school.” She smiled at me and shook her head. “Let’s get the fuck out of here and go home.”

I sighed. The notion of home was still a bit messy in my mind. “Okay.”

“I gotta pee before we go though. I’ll grab that last box from your room.” She started off up the stairs while I picked up the cumbersome floor lamp.

I exited the house at the same time that a car door slammed. There was a car parked behind Katie’s. And Oli was climbing out of it. I nearly dropped the lamp onto the ground. I fumbled with it before putting it down, too confused to care about its wellbeing.

I stood on the front steps, watching as he took short steps towards me. His shirt was hanging loose, several sizes too big for his thin frame and his jeans had been cut off at the knees, jagged and fraying at the edges. “What’re yeh doin’ ‘ere?”

“Tom told me I should come over.” He shrugged.

“Really?” I should have been surprised by this, by Tom pushing us together. But I wasn’t. He would do anything for me.

Oli nodded. “I’d to give yeh somethin’ anyway. So, I jus’ thought it’d be o’reight ef…” He shook his head and finished with “I can leave ef yeh want.”

“No, it’s fine. Yeh’ve somethin’ to give me?” I raised my eyebrows, wondering what he could possibly have for me.

“Two things actually.” He rubbed the back of his neck and I realized that he had an envelope folded up in the palm hand.

“O’reight…”

He pushed the envelope forward, handing it to me. There was a business card paper clipped to the envelope. “Don’t open that in front o’ me… Don’t think I can deal with that,” he said. “But that card’s for yeh. ‘S my mate’s number.”

“Oh, uh…” I looked at the business card. It had an intricate Mexican Day of the Dead skull adorning one the side and read ‘James Davis – tattoo artist & graphic/web design’, followed by a mobile number, a shop number and a Birmingham address.

“I’ve already talked to ‘im about yeh,” Oli said. “I know yeh say that yeh okay doin’ the law thing… But it can’t hurt to ‘ave a backup plan, yeh know.”

I stared at him, not understanding. “Eh?”

“James said that ef yeh wanted, e’d take a look at yeh portfolio… ‘E’s got a tattoo shop down in Birmingham.”

“What’re yeh sayin’?”

“I’m jus’ sayin that yeh got talent and that yeh should be doin’ what yeh love.” His expression was thoughtful, calculated. “I told ‘im that yeh might not call but ‘e said ‘e hoped yeh did, that an apprentice might be nice.”

“Me? Apprentice in a shop?” I laughed. “I’d be no good at that.”

“’Ow’d yeh know unless yeh try?” Oli said and I certainly couldn’t argue with that. He looked a little perturbed by my hesitance and in a slightly sour tone, he huffed “Well, call ‘im or don’t… Jus’ thought I’d let yeh know that yeh’ve a choice.”

I looked down at the business card and then back to him. “Thanks, Oli… Thanks for, yeh know, considerin’ me.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

I rubbed my palms together, the tell tale sign of nervousness in me. “So, uh—“

Katie came flooding from the house, her teal hair sticking up in every direction. “Fuck, Anna, what the fuck is in this fucking box? It’s heavy as shit. Did you—“ She stopped at the bottom stair, seeing that I was not alone on the walkway. “Hi.” She let the heavy box thump to the ground.

I turned to look at her, eyes wide and said “This is Oliver, Tom’s brother.” I motioned a tense hand towards Oli.

“Tom’s brother?” She raised her penciled on eyebrows and gave me a devilish smirk. She was as excitable as Gracie, eager to push me off the deep end, to have me test the waters. She held her tattooed hand out for him to shake, grinning. “I’m Katie.”

Oli looked at me, interest crossing his face. He took her hand and I compared the inked patterns of their meeting hands. “Nice to meet yeh. Yer the American lass, yeah?”

“I am. You’re the rockstar, yeah?” She mimicked his curious questioning tone, letting go of his hand and leaning against my arm.

“I guess, aye.” His eyes kept glancing in my direction, completely overlooking Katie’s large presence. She was intimidating him; I could tell by the way his body leaned away.

Katie caught sight of the envelope-business-card combo in my hand and asked “What’s that?”

“Oli gave me ‘is mate’s business card.”

“Why?”

“Oli’s mate is a tattoo artist… Thought I might be interested in showin’ ‘im my portfolio.” I twisted the envelope around my hands, crumpling it more than Oli already had.

“Oh really?” Katie had a wicked excitement on her face. “That’s awesome.”

“Yeah…” I looked between them. There was a fervent awkwardness about the whole situation.

Katie got the message and said “Well, I’m gonna put this in the car,” she referred to the heavy box she carried. “You ready to go, Annie?”

I nodded. “Sure.” I watched as she made her way down to the car, shooting me hopeful glances the whole way.

Oli, as awkward as I, rubbed the back of his neck. “Better let yeh get goin’.” He was already backing up towards the street. “Bye.”

I lifted my hand and waved, absolutely no grace about the gesture. “Bye.”

Watching him prepare to leave was surreal. It was like turning off a movie twenty minutes before the end. Before you knew what happened.

“Oli!” I called after him. I couldn’t let him walk away without knowing. I needed to know why he kept his love a secret, why he couldn’t tell.

He turned, watching as I approached where he stood stopped by his car. His hand was on the door handle, waiting for me to speak. “Eh?”

“Why didn’t yeh tell me, Oliver?” I stopped several feet away from him. I couldn’t get close to him. The nearer I stood to him, the more I wanted to reach out and touch him.

“Tell yeh what?”

“Back then… Why didn’t yeh tell me what yeh told Tom?”

“I dunno what yeh talkin’ about, Savanna.”

I let out a frustrated sigh. I knew that I was being vague but it was impossible to just say. But knowing was so much more important than my dignity, not that I had much left. “Yeh told ‘im that yeh loved me.”

His mouth dropped open and he stared at me, blinking a disproportionate amount of times. It was the quintessential deer in the headlights moment and I was absolutely certain that he thought I’d never find out what had transpired the day that Tom punched him. He’d almost been in the clear. If we hadn’t rekindled our affair, I would have never had any idea. “Tom told yeh I said that?”

“Yeah, ‘e did.” I nodded.

“When’d ‘e tell yeh?” Oli’s eyebrows dipped low, furrowed, showing his disquiet.

“On Saturday.” I looked at him and for the first time in a long time, I felt absolutely no bitterness him. I think that the dispersion of my resentment had been caused by the look on his face. He looked terrified. “Is that true? Did yeh really say that?”

“I don’t really remember what I said. It were a long time ago and—“

“Oliver,” I said in a pleading way. “Please, just tell me the truth.” I held my breath.

Slowly, he nodded. “I said that, yeah.”

Letting out the air I’d caught in my lungs, I said “Okay… Okay.” It wasn’t that I hadn’t believed Tom when he told me of Oli’s confession. It was that I needed a confirmation, needed to be sure. “So, I guess my next question should be did yeh mean it when yeh said it? I know it’s been forever and things change and bein’ young yeh don’t really know ef it’s real and ef yeh mean it but I jus’ need to know… For my own bloody piece o’ mind or somethin’.”

To my rambling, he responded “I meant it.”

I was pretty sure that I already knew that. That I had known it all along. “Then why didn’t yeh tell me?”

His chin jutted out, causing his bottom lip to rest over the top, the signature pout. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Christ, Sav, I don’t know because I were nineteen? Because I were young and stupid?” These were not his real reasons. But the next thing was. “Because Tom got it right.”

“What?”

“’E knew it. I knew it. Yeh knew it too…” He was following my example by being so vague. He was having just as much trouble saying these things as I had. “We couldn’t’ve worked then. I weren’t exactly good for yeh. Yeh was in trouble every other day when yeh was with me.”

I looked at him and shook my head. “But I was happy when I was with yeh.” I sunk my teeth into my lip, holding a choke in the back of my throat. I could feel a warm prickle behind my eyes and I held that back as well. He would see no more of my tears. I didn’t want to cause anymore chaos for us. We needed solace instead.

He did something strange then. He gave a very warm smile, like he was remembering something nice. “I was happy too,” he said. “An’ I’m sorry it weren’t like that for us this time.”

“Me too.” I couldn’t help what I did next. I pushed myself forward, closer to him and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He responded without faltering, hugging me as tight as his arms would allow. I buried my face into the inked skin of his neck, flooding myself with his new t-shirt and smoke smell. I didn’t really want anything but this. I wanted to hold onto him and him onto me. Indefinitely if possible. I kept my arms twisted around him much longer than I had originally intended to. I was caught up in this hug, grounded by it. All the pieces of our puzzle had been pulled together finally. The holes in our history were filled. I knew everything and was still confused. I released my hold on him and stepped back. “So, I guess, uh, I’ll see yeh?”

“Aye, see yeh soon…”

And he let me walk away, straight to Katie’s car. I gave him one last wave before I climbed into the passenger seat, pressing my fingernails into my palms. I found myself wishing that he had stopped me, that he’d begged me not to go, that he’d told me to stay. But Oli Sykes didn’t beg and he sure as hell didn’t want me to stay.

Katie looked at me with sympathetic eyes. “Not go how you expected it to?”

I shrugged. “I’m not sure what I expected…”

“What’s in that envelope?” She asked.

I’d completely forgotten about the tattered envelope curled up in my hand. “Oh, uh, I dunno…”

“Open it?” Katie suggested with her pencil brows raised.

“What d’yeh think it is?”

“We won’t know until you open it.”

I looked down at the 5x7 envelope, apprehensive or scared. Or something. There were no words written on the envelope but there were several dirt smudges from being handled. I flipped it over in my hands and ran my finger under the sealed edge to tear it open. Two things slipped to my lap, a twice folded piece of paper and a yellowing Polaroid picture. I didn’t have to look at the photo to know what was on it.

Sixteen year old me, in the prime of my black t-shirt phase. Nineteen year old Oliver, in the midst of his love affair with the flat iron. The two of us, not such a strange looking pair together after all. This picture was the match to a photo I still had hidden away. The writing on the white frame read “Oli&Sav’05” in a familiar script.

This in itself tore at my stomach. But it was the note in his scribbled handwriting that left my brain numb. It was hard to read for all the crossed out words there were. It wasn’t a long drawn out letter; it was fairly simple, scribed on only the front of the page.

Sav (Not Anna or Annie)
Tom told me that you were messed up from what happened at Reading and thought maybe you wanted to see me. He told me to go talk to you but I don’t know what to say. If I did we wouldn’t have the problems we do.
So here’s the only photo in existence of us from the good time we spent together. I’m sure the picture you had is long gone.
Oli
PS. We did it all wrong, both times. I’m greedy and I take whatever I want. But you let me. You never said no. Because you know that there’s something there. Fucking chemistry or something. And we’re not kids anymore. When you’re young you think that everyone else’s opinion of you matters. You think it’s important. It’s not.
Sorry about whatever. It’s over and done with now.