Chasing Chaos

2009

“So, I need yer opinion on something,” I started as we stood in the kitchen of their flat. I was verging on being drunk, my skin flushing and mind wandering. We were drinking Red Stripe from cans wet with condensation and a party was now raging in the living room. Many people occupied the space of their living room, laughing loudly and playing drinking games. When they were home, this was a typical night.

“On what?” Tom asked.

“Yeh remember that guy I work with now, Peter? We saw him at the park that day…”

“Yeah,” he nodded and sipped his beer.

“Well, ‘e’s asked me out.”

“On a date?”

“I think it’s a date. ‘E asked ef I were busy tomorrow night and I said no, because yeh’re off to fucking Norway or whatever. An’ he laughed and I asked why, did he want me to close the store or somethin’ an’ ‘e said no, ‘e was wondering ef I wanted to go to the cinema… We’d been talkin’ about ‘ow I’d not seen a film on the big screen in a while… I said sure, I’d go.” I tended to blather anxiously on frequent occasion. “’E flirts with me like mad.”

“Then it’s a date.”

“E’s fit as fuck and ‘as got fabulous arms with these amazing detailed sleeves...”

Tom gave me an eyeroll. “Doesn’t ‘e’ve a kid?”

“Hmm… yeah, Em.”

“Tha’s not a problem for yeh?”

“Should it be?”

“No, not necessarily.”

“I still don’t know ‘im well… Like I know ‘e was friends with Sam for ages.”

“Wha’d yeh think Sam’ll say about it?”

I hadn’t really considered that. “I dunno… Peter’s nice enough; can’t say much bad about him, Sam can’t.”

“Fair enough.”

“So yeh think ‘s okay?”

“Ef yeh like him, it is.”

“I do.”

“Then it’s settled.”

I smiled at him. “I’m glad one of us is rational.” I pushed a kiss onto his cheek before saying “I’ve to pee; I’ll be back.” With some satisfaction crawling through me, I pushed through people to the bathroom. I was glad to have Tom’s tentative approval on the Peter matter. It was reassuring to me even if the tentative part of this approval was pivotal. His thumbs up could be revoked at any instant.

I made to enter the bathroom but an unfamiliar girl languidly said “Someone’s in there” as she passed by me coming from one of the bedrooms.

I groaned and knocked on the door rapidly. “Oy! Hurry up! I’m about to pee all over myself.” There was no response to my calls. I knocked again with no reply. I jiggled the door knob; it was unlocked. Maybe no one had gone in there after all. I opened the door, stepped into the bathroom and shook my head at the sight before me.

Oli was slumped near the toilet, his arm and head laid on the edge of the bath basin. His eyes were closed and there was vomit in the toilet. “Nice,” I mumbled. I would never be stunned by this sort of behavior from Oliver Sykes. Not after the things I’d seen him do and the things we’d experienced. But especially at this moment, I was unsurprised. From what I could tell, he’d spent the better part of the summer so far actively trying to rot his liver. And even though earlier in the night, he’d claimed to his brother that he wasn’t going to get drunk, that he was tired of it, I was hardly taken back. “Thought yeh didn’ want to get wasted tonight,” I said with flavors of amusement and annoyance.

The first response he gave was a low miserable groan. But then he slowly looked up at me with red eyes and said “Special circumstances.”

I refrained from scoffing and asked “Can yeh keep yer eyes down, mate? I’ve gotta pee and I’m a bit too drunk to care ‘bout gettin’ yeh up and outta ‘ere.” I was already unbuttoning my jeans, waiting for him to agree.

He buried his face make into his arms and I heard what sounded very much like “Nothing I ‘aven’t seen.”

I was somewhat confused by this statement as I took a seat. In the four years since our situation, we’d acquired a sort of unspoken rule. No talking about what may or may not have happened between us.

I believed that this was why it was okay for us to be around each other. Because we’d cooled off from our epic fight and pretended nothing had happened. Everything faded away, like it had never existed. No further discussion or argument. Just over.

I understood that Oli was wasted but there was something seriously troubling about his statement. I knew that I was overreacting, completely and totally. Freaking out for no good reason. But it was another thing that didn’t surprise me. Isn’t that how it had been all along for us? Me mentally melting down over him. No rhyme. No reason. Just neurotic Anna. Or Savanna. Or something.

Before I left the room, I stared down at him. Memories permeated my brain. I’d seen him look so much worse than this. The recollection made my stomach churn. It was one of the things about our time together that I’d tried to forget, that I’d done so well dissolving. Why was my mind unfogging now?

Attempting to be considerate, I asked “Are yeh gonna be o’reight?”

He groaned once more.

“Well, okay, then…” I went to the door and was almost out when he spoke again.

“Savanna?” He was trying to sit up as I turned back to him to hear the rest of his sentence “Glad yer around this summer.”

“Um, thanks,” I’d barely said this before his head fell once more.

I left the bathroom considerably more sober than when I’d entered. Sobering. That was him. Or maybe it was all the terrible thoughts going through my head that negated the effects of alcohol. Either way, my skin itched from it. Anxious as ever Anna.

I’d hardly stepped back into the living room when someone pounced on me with great force. “Annnnnna!” The girl with her arms around my neck shrieked.

I didn’t have to inspect the girl to know who it was. But blonde hair confirmed what I already knew. “Gracie!” I smiled big, forgetting all about drunk boys and their pasts with me.

“Oh, Annie, where’ve yeh been all my life?” She nuzzled my cheek like a kitten before pulling back. She was prettier than ever. Tan skin and thick eyelashes, bold blue eyes and a devilish demeanor. She and Matt N hadn’t been a couple in quite some time but she still remained my only Sheffield girlfriend. Her eccentric attitude and wild streak livened up my life at just the right moments. We were nowhere near as close as Tom and I but I held a great affection for the older girl. She’d proven her worth in my life a very long time before and there was nothing that could disband my trust in her.

“In Birmingham?” I offered with an apologetic grin.

“Ain’t yeh done with Uni yet? Feels like yeh been at it for about a million fucking years.”

“Well it’s gonna be a million an’ one… I finish next spring.”

“Then yeh’ll be back in Sheff for good, yeah?”

“We’ll see,” I said coyly.

“Yeh better come back.” Gracie grabbed a hold of my hand and began pulling me back towards the kitchen. “I’ve brought yeh somethin, dolly…”

“Oh god.” With Gracie, her somethings were always bad news. Always resulting with me in a state very similar to the older Sykes brother’s.

“It’s jus’ a bottle,” she stated dismissively.

“Tha’s what I’m afraid of.” We stepped into the kitchen. Tom was still standing there, now talking with a guy that I didn’t really know. After not being around much for two years, there were so many unfamiliar faces.

“Uh oh,” Tom said when he saw us enter, with our arms linked. “The two o’ yeh together. This can’t end well. Spells trouble.”

“You bet,” Gracie beamed. He smiled at both of us and shook his head.

“Oh,” I added with a quick frown. “Yer brother is passed out in the loo.”

Tom’s face fell. “Is ‘e?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Fuckin’ sod,” Tom muttered. “I’m leavin’ ‘is sorry arse in there. Fuck this goddamn bender ‘e’s been on.”

Tom had grown to have a lot of patience with Oliver. It was only necessary. Like with me, Tom was very frequently the one to pick up Oli’s pieces when he was cracking and shattering. They were a good team at times. With only one chunk of time as an exception, they were as near to best friends as brothers could get. It was a shame that I’d been the reason for the exception. It still filled me with guilt.

But it was nothing a little firewater couldn’t dispel.

--

2005

My Mum had been thoroughly unhappy when I’d disobeyed her command to stay in the house. She’d given me a speech about disrespect and disappointment. She had mauled over the idea of grounding me longer than the two weeks she’d already issued. But she eventually decided that if I didn’t have any more slip-ups, i.e. leaving the house, I’d be free in no time.

The problem with this decree was that after we had hung out, Oli had insisted I give him my number. I’d been too flattered to even think straight but after my excitement wore away, I doubted he would call. I mean, we had a good time hanging out; they had even taught me the tricky business of smoking from a bong. But when it came down to it, I was still just me, no frills or excitement. I couldn’t even grasp the idea of talking with him on the phone, having a little chat. I was pretty sure that we had nothing to talk about.

Needless to say, I was quite confused when he rang the very next afternoon.

“Savanna!” he greeted exuberantly.

“Oli?” I knew it was him. What other person even knew my real first name let alone called me by it?

“Wha’re yeh doin’?”

“Drawing.”

“Yeh any good?”

“I’m o’reight.”

“Yeh busy tonight?”

“Ha, no… I’m grounded, remember?”

“Didn’ stop yeh yesterday.”

“Yeh was very persuasive.”

“Could I persuade yeh to go to a party tonight?”

“Yeh aren’t that persuasive.”

“Aw, come on. It’ll be fun. My mate’s parents’ left him the house. ‘S gonna be major.”

“I’m sure it will be.”

“I want yeh to come.”

This was hard to ignore. I was still so obviously hung up on his interest in me. And hanging out with him had been so different, so engaging. It was fresh and new. Exciting. “Oli… I can’t. My mom wouldn’t let me out of the door.”

“So go out yer window?”

I loved the way he simplified things. In his world, everything was a breeze. There wasn’t a problem he’d encounter that didn’t have a swift and easy solution. Every rule had a loop hole to go with it. There were no second thoughts on such matters as violating your mother’s orders. Just go with it, his attitude begged. Let it happen.
How easy would it be to just fall into that sort of mentality. I wanted to fall like that. He made me want to let go of everything that made me fretful and strangled.

-

My bedroom was on the first floor of our house and the window was about four feet from the ground. I nearly broke my ankle going out because it was dark in my backyard and I couldn’t see the soft flower bed dirt below. I left the window open so I could return the same way. For good measure, I locked my bedroom door so that neither of my parents checked in on me.

Oli was sitting in his car alone. I’d expected his friends to be with him and part of me hoped his brother would be there. But no, it was just us. “’Lo,” I huffed, out of breath from the climb.

“Yeh look nice,” he said once I had shut the door.

I tried my hardest not to blush. I’d attempted something different with my makeup, something I had seen in the teen girl magazine I secretly subscribed to. Of course, my hair was still hopelessly falling into my eyes in all kinds of disarray. But my outfit made up for it. I’d opted to stay away from my uniform of a loose fitting black band t-shirt and ragged jeans. “Um, thanks.”

“’Ow was the sneakin’ out?”

“Sneaky.”

He chuckled. “’S good. Can’t believe yeh never snuck out before… I was sneakin’ out at thirteen.”

“We can’t all be as rebellious as yeh can.”

“Eventually Mum jus’ gave me a house key an’ told me to be sure I locked up ef I was gonna be leavin’ out the back door.”

“I think I remember that; I’m pretty sure I was sitting there with, uh, yer brother.”

“Aye, yeh might’ve been. Yeh practically live at the house.”

“Wish I did live there. Yer Mum likes me better than my own does.”

“’S not true.”

“It is. My mum is a total bitch.”

“I’m sure she means well… Means to keep yeh away from fellas like me.” He smirked.

“Yeah, exactly,” I agreed with a feigned seriousness. “An’ she don’t want me actin’ out like Sam…”

“Sam’s yer brother, yeah?”

“Yeah…”

“Is it jus’ the two o’ yeh? Yer brother an’ yeh?”

“Oh, um, my Dad’s got a daughter from ‘is first marriage, my sister Sarah. But I don’t see ‘er much. She lives in London with ‘er husband. She and my Mum don’t get along exactly, so she doesn’t visit.” I rubbed my hands together anxiously. Sarah wasn’t my favorite subject usually; but there I was spilling all the details. I left out the part where she’d lived with us until we moved to Sheffield and the part about how she was twelve years older and had always given me exactly what I wanted, treating me like her own child.

“Yeh miss her?” He asked.

“Hmm, yeah. I do.” It surprised me how intuitive he could be. He put on such a thick persona, you would never expect serious thought from him.

“Yeh should go see ‘er yerself.”

“’S not so easy as that.”

“Nothin’ ever is.”

-

Going to a party with Oli was vastly unlike going with Tom. It was the same sort of party Tom and I always frequented. But it looked so different with Oli pulling me around. The music wasn’t so obnoxiously loud. The people weren’t so absolutely frightening to me. The beer didn’t taste as bitter and warm. Looking at it all was like black and white versus Technicolor.

When I was out with Tom, he indulged my shyness, allowing me to hang in silent corners away from any excitement. Because Tom thought that’s what I wanted. He thought I preferred to be a shadow and he would permit me to be if I liked it that way. Nine times out of ten, Tom would do what was right for me, what kept me happy.

But Oliver pushed my limits, forcing me to socialize and keeping me entertained with numerous drinks and games. He knew that I was uncomfortable but kept pushing, another introduction to another guy or girl, another beer or another shot, ‘just another hour more and we’ll go, Savanna’. And I accepted it, was glad for it. Because it felt like living. It felt like having a real life. One with chaos and clutter, one worth having.

Surprising to me, Oli wasn’t the only one I spent time with that night. Gracie, the boisterous blonde from the BMTH show, found me early in the night and clung to me protectively whenever Oli was otherwise occupied. For someone so small, she was startlingly tough, drinking straight whiskey from the bottle and swearing as if she were on the docks. She was the sort of person that I would have watched from my corner under normal circumstances. She was so effortlessly bold and I wanted to be that way. Beautiful and brash.

I was sad when the party started to disband. I’d never stayed until the end of one; I was usually eager to leave early. Everyone was drunk and tired, leaning on one another and stumbling over their feet. It was a transcendent sort of feeling, like sad slow motion. People I barely knew hugged me and said goodbye, begged me to be around more frequently. I knew most of their friendliness stemmed from accompanied drunkenness but it was still encouraging.

“Are yeh ready to leave?” Oli asked me after Gracie had detached herself from me.

“Aye yeh sober enough to drive?” I asked in response, my words sliding together into a slur.

“Guess so,” he shrugged.

This was not reassuring. “I don’t like the odds in ‘guess so’.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not gonna wreck or nothin’… ‘S been a good hour since I’ve ‘ad a drink.”

“Hmm.”

“No worries, Sav, yer in good hands.” He placed his palm on the small of my back and began leading me out the front door.

“Sav?” I questioned.

“Short for Savanna.” He waved at a friend on our way out.

“I got that… But yeh know, I o’ready ‘ave nicknames. Anna… Annie…”

“Do yeh really not like me callin’ yeh Savanna?” He inquired as we crossed the grass to his car. “Ef it bothers yeh, I can stop.”

Truthfully, I didn’t mind. Savanna felt like my glamorous alter-ego or something. “It don’t bother me,” I concluded.

“Good, ‘cause I didn’ feel like stoppin’ anyhow.” He sent me a glowing grin.

I walked around to the passenger side of his car and climbed in. I was buckling my seatbelt when he leaned over the center console towards me, his hands reaching towards my neck. Nervousness danced through me. I didn’t know what he meant to do. Was he going to kiss me? I knew I had a major crush on him but my fantasy had never made it much past him liking me, never strayed into thoughts of actually kissing him. I had been fairly certain that such events were unlikely but him inching closer gave me other ideas. My eyes felt like they should be closing instead of widening. I felt like I should be preparing but his words stopped any romantic reactions.

“The clasp o’ yer necklace,” he said, taking a light hold of the chain at my neck. “’S at the front. Jus’ fixin’ it…” He twisted my necklace so the fastener was at the nape of my neck.

This was gravely disappointing. I’d been ready for him to kiss me right there in the car and I’d been way off. I was a silly little girl to hope for this. I sat as near to the door as I physically could, feeling mortified and trying my hardest to hide it. But I was pretty sure he knew he’d rattled me because each time I looked over at him, he had a large grin on his face. This irritated me slightly. Though my embarrassing crush raged, I didn’t like that he could affect me so easily or that he knew exactly what he was doing.

He turned off his headlights when we got to my neighborhood and pulled up near my house, avoiding the lighted driveway. “Yeh gonna be as sneaky goin’ in as yeh were out?”

“Prob’ly not,” I admitted. “My window’s a bit high off the ground. Gonna ‘ave to pull my drunk arse up through.”

Oli turned off the car. “Then I’ll help yeh.”

“Oh, tha’s not—“

“Yeh’ll prob’ly wake the whole bloody neighborhood ef yeh go alone.”

I couldn’t argue with that. I did after all have a propensity for uncontrollable laughter after drinking. “Okay.”

We climbed out of the car, careful to shut the doors as quietly as possible. My previous embarrassment had faded slightly because he’d offered to help me into my house. It was a sweet sort of gesture, one that made me curious and slightly confident. I wondered if that’s how it would be like each time I was with him, if there were more nights like this to come. Constantly high or low. Excited and eager. Or uneasy and embarrassed.

We inched into my backyard, squishing the wet grass as we went. Every sound seemed so much louder than it was and each staggering step made a tickle of a giggle creep into the back of my throat. I thought I would die from trying to keep the laughter at bay as I hoisted myself up on my window sill. My arms were unsteady and could barely hold my weight. But I felt his hands on my hips, giving me a final push, helping me through into my room.

“Unf,” I fell in with a thud. Oli was hiding a snicker as I stood up straighter. I leaned against the window sill and whispered “Thanks.”

“Yer welcome, love.” He too was leaning, mirroring me on the opposite side of the window with a smirk across his lips. In the dim night light, shadows were thrown across his face and he looked so damn cute. Like this was straight out of a movie scene. I was such a sucker for storybook moments and this seemed like it had the potential to be one. Maybe I was stupid or naïve but I was also changing. Reserved and demure Anna into daring Savanna.

I rested my elbows on the ledge, allowing myself closer to him with a half smile. Oli’s eyes were narrow, almost surprised by the forwardness I was exuding. “Yer off then?” I questioned.

“Should be…”

“D’yeh wanna come in for a bit?” I asked boldly. I’m not sure what this kind of invitation implied but whatever it was, I think my beer fogged brain was okay with it.

“In yer room?” He swallowed loudly.

“Yeah, watch a film or summat… I’ve got a great DVD collection.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “’S almost half three.”

“So? Like stayin’ out an extra couple hours is a big deal to yeh.”

“Wha’ ef yer parents came in?”

“My doors locked…” But I could tell what his answer would be. For a second time in half an hour, I felt like a total twat. First when I thought he was going to kiss me and now when he was rejecting my offer. I sighed. “Nevermind… It were dumb; it’s late.”

“’S not dumb. ‘S jus’ I—“ He shuffled for an apologetic response.

“No worries. ‘M sure yeh want to get to sleep.” I reached up to shut the window. “G’night Oli.”

“Wait—“ He grabbed my wrist quickly.

“Hmm?”

He pulled my hand towards him. “I’ll ring yeh tomorrow?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “Sleep tight, Savanna.”

And then I was really confused.