On My Own

It's hard to say that I was wrong. It's hard to say 'I miss you.' Since you've been gone, it's not the same.
Those were the words I held in front of me. Scribbled down by the love of my life and handed to me along with a goodbye note all those months ago. Since then he had turned it into a song, one which was currently blasting into my ears as I laid in bed. Staring at those simple words. On that scrap of paper, with the midday sun creeping through the curtains.
So, I guess it's time to explain, huh? He was the best friend I loved with all my heart. The one who led me on and made me think I was wanted. Like I meant something to him. Really it all started the day we first spoke, the day our friendship blossomed. I fell for him hard and fast. He was the sweetest and funniest guy I knew, in the beginning. Near the end of our friendship he became distant. Like he wasn't bothered anymore. I would text him, but he wouldn't reply. I would talk to him on MSN, but he would say as little as possible in return. Taking him forever to reply to begin with. I would smile at him and say hi when I saw him about, but he just looked right through me most of the time. Like I wasn't even there. he never even blinked. Quinn had always been his true best friend, the day he told me. I died inside.
He tried to talk to me on MSN for the first time in almost a month that night. I told him he was a worthless scumbag and blocked him. Well, what did he expect? He'd been saying for ages that I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. Was I supposed to welcome him with open arms after that? Prove him right? Thought not. He text me five minutes later, for the first time in over two months. I ignored him and deleted his number from my phonebook. I would see him out and about a lot more after that, he would try to say something and I would look past him, each time I would have tears in my eyes. It was so hard not talking to him. Each time I would notice the smirk on Quinn's face. I'm still wondering why. Maybe I just don't wanna admit that he'd made those things up. Admit I'd been fooled. Who knows?
He left about a year later, to record the album then tour. The day he did leave, he showed up at my door. He stayed, talking through the letterbox. Catching me up on the past year of his life. I was stood in the kitchen listening to every word he said. He'd been talking for about half an hour before he even mentioned leaving. He only did mention it because Jeph showed up. I remember running to the door, pulling it open and standing there. Just looking at him so I had some memory of him fresh in my mind. He'd pulled me into a silent hug, and I'd hugged back. It was the soft and gentle hug of his that I'd missed so much. I'd always loved it. He didn't say a word after I'd opened the door. Not even to finish saying the word he'd currently been in the middle of. Shock kind of made him stop, I guess.
We both pulled away from the hug, sad smiles on our faces. Badly covering up the fact we were going to miss each other so much. Even though the both of us knew we were happy to be talking to one another again. Even if it hadn't been made official by a single word. I remember him pulling out a scrumpled piece of piece from his pocket, along with a pen. He leant against the wall, scribbles down some words and handed it to me along with a goodbye note. Placing them in my hands, he turned around and left. I watched the car start up, him looking out the window sadly, as it made it's way down the street, around the corner and out of my view.
I put down the lyrics he'd written and opened up the goodbye note for the first time since I'd read it to begin with.
My dear, sweet little Nellie-Bear. I don't want this to be something you cry over just because it's my leaving note, or something you cry over at all. I want you to make a promise to yourself that you'll only think of our good memories and not the past year or so, ok? I've tried calling but I seem to remember you changing your number to avoid me.
I smiled a little. I knew he meant it in the strange little joking way we'd developed. Took us what, a day?
Anyway, the band's just been signed, can you believe it? You always said we'd make it some day. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you hate me. I'm sorry for avoiding you. I'm sorry for not texting you back. I'm sorry for not talking to you on MSN. Remember, I told you that you'd always have a little fragment of my heart. Keep the promise that you'll never let it go. Cos I always want you to be there. That piece is reserved for you and only you. No one else. And don't go giving away that piece you reserved for me! God, I hope you haven't already. Cos technically I'd be in possesion of stolen goods, cos I still haven't let it go. And I don't intend to. Not until I'm old, grey and on my death bed. Even then you'll have to prise it from my cold dead hands. God, I'm getting off track. This is all to say, remember the good times. I'll always love you. You're the greatest friend I could ask for. Never gonna forget you, Nellie-Bear. All my love, Bertums xoxo
That was the note I read when my world crashed around me. When he turned to leave I wanted to cry out so badly, but I never did. I attempted to move on after that, I needed to. I needed someone to get my mind off him, to replace him. I only found one guy that ever could, it was the second guy I got together with after he left. Thing is, he left me while we were on holiday together. I've tried again since then, but only Bert springs to mind everytime I say "I love you."
Bert Macracken, you've left my life but you'll never leave my heart.