On My Own
Earthquake
Cos baby I'm not alright when you go, I'm not fine. Please be all mine. I never want you to go because I am all yours, so please be all mine.
I had left her that day, after not talking to her for what seemed like an age. She was the world to me. I had no clue why she called me a "worthless scumbag", never have done probably never will do. Those weeks leading up to that day, I had been distant with her. I don't know why anymore. I guess I had to be, to think, you know? I had so much going on at the time, so many feels buzzing around in my head. Getting caught up and muddled together. Each and every one of them was how I felt for her. I had words I wanted to say to her, too. I had them all written down. I had sat down to write her a letter 6 months after she stopped talking to me. It kind of turned into the lyrics you see at the top. And so many more. They all formed a song for her. A song called Earthquake. A song I never finished until the day we left. I hadn't let it go yet, it was my secret song for her. Even though it was yet another to add to the pile I had for her already.
I really wasn't alright when she dumped our friendship on the floor and left it behind to die while I scrambled around. Picking up the pieces. I'd been trying to tell her for so long how I felt. Leaving her hints. Flirting with her constantly. Always tickling her. Everything! She never paid it any mind. She didn't love me as much as I had hoped. Just as far as friends go. Well, just as far as best friends go. I swear, in those last few weeks I had slaughtered our love. And everyone could see it. Since the day I left, I had become known to stay in my room for days on end. Or go out and not come back for a week, even then I'd be totally wasted. It was one extreme to another.
The day I left I could see in her face, as I pulled away from her sweet embrace, that her whole world was crashing down around her. The barriers she had put up for only me tumbled when I hugged her. When I tried to say goodbye. Then, as soon as she let me back in, I left her and took the support beam to her world with me. Or maybe I was the support beam. I remember wanting her to only have eyes for me, since the day I had said that one simple word to her. I remember the way she had smiled even though she was alone. Like someone she loved deeply had just told her he loved her too. The smile I wanted her to give me then day I got enough courage to admit it. I didn't even tell her I really loved her in that goodbye note. I'd said it like we'd always said it. And everytime I said it to her, it had more meaning than she ever knew.
Quinn and Jeph came into my room while I was reminiscing and pulled me up, making me grab my bag. We were about to go back on tour, where I could drink and play away all thoughts of her with Gerard. I always came back to the same "wallow in self pity" routine in the end, though.
I missed her so much it hurt. Gee was the one person who could get my mind off her. But all the time I was with him we'd end up getting stoned or drunk. Sometimes both. He never knew about her, she was the bands best kept secret. And my biggest mistake. Just the fact I left her. I hadn't gone back home for ages after we left, a year, maybe more. When I got back, it was just a simple two week break, so I went around hers. Desperate to tell her. Her neighbour came out and said she was on holiday, with her boyfriend. I knew I shouldn't have expected her to wait for me; she didn't like me in that way and even if she did, she didn't know when I was coming back. Oh, and the fact I never told her. She always asked to me; "is there any point waiting for someone who won't tell you they love you back?" Each and everytime I would say; "just wait, when you're gone, they'll realise how much you mean to them."
People had taken her for granted, even I had at one point. She went on holiday for a week, abroad, and I just missed her so much as soon as she was gone. That's the point I realised I really did love her. She was the world to me, and she didn't even know. I always thought she was gonna be there for our late night or midday chats on MSN, or by text. Our relationship wasn't really a person to person one in the beginning. More of an online one. We only really saw each other by webcam. I never realised how deep I got into her heart with those random conversations, not until we started talking more in person. The look in her eyes said it all. I was her best guy friend, the guy she could say anything to. I knew she didn't tell me everything though. I got that feeling she was hiding something from me a fair bit of the time, like she wanted to say something but never did.
I remember the times we spent at my house, everytime she got dumped, she would come and cry to me. I was the only one that would listen. Every time it was the same reason. They always dumped her cos she wasn't ready to move as fast as they were. She was a slow mover, any decent guy would understand that. Clearly the guys she fell for were not decent. She had a thing for the bad guy attitude, really. I also knew she had a thing for singers, which made me smile. It also refreshed all the energy I used to have for singing. It made me work harder at it, get better.
Nellie Williams, you're the greatest girl a guy could ask for. And you'll always keep that part of my heart.
I had left her that day, after not talking to her for what seemed like an age. She was the world to me. I had no clue why she called me a "worthless scumbag", never have done probably never will do. Those weeks leading up to that day, I had been distant with her. I don't know why anymore. I guess I had to be, to think, you know? I had so much going on at the time, so many feels buzzing around in my head. Getting caught up and muddled together. Each and every one of them was how I felt for her. I had words I wanted to say to her, too. I had them all written down. I had sat down to write her a letter 6 months after she stopped talking to me. It kind of turned into the lyrics you see at the top. And so many more. They all formed a song for her. A song called Earthquake. A song I never finished until the day we left. I hadn't let it go yet, it was my secret song for her. Even though it was yet another to add to the pile I had for her already.
I really wasn't alright when she dumped our friendship on the floor and left it behind to die while I scrambled around. Picking up the pieces. I'd been trying to tell her for so long how I felt. Leaving her hints. Flirting with her constantly. Always tickling her. Everything! She never paid it any mind. She didn't love me as much as I had hoped. Just as far as friends go. Well, just as far as best friends go. I swear, in those last few weeks I had slaughtered our love. And everyone could see it. Since the day I left, I had become known to stay in my room for days on end. Or go out and not come back for a week, even then I'd be totally wasted. It was one extreme to another.
The day I left I could see in her face, as I pulled away from her sweet embrace, that her whole world was crashing down around her. The barriers she had put up for only me tumbled when I hugged her. When I tried to say goodbye. Then, as soon as she let me back in, I left her and took the support beam to her world with me. Or maybe I was the support beam. I remember wanting her to only have eyes for me, since the day I had said that one simple word to her. I remember the way she had smiled even though she was alone. Like someone she loved deeply had just told her he loved her too. The smile I wanted her to give me then day I got enough courage to admit it. I didn't even tell her I really loved her in that goodbye note. I'd said it like we'd always said it. And everytime I said it to her, it had more meaning than she ever knew.
Quinn and Jeph came into my room while I was reminiscing and pulled me up, making me grab my bag. We were about to go back on tour, where I could drink and play away all thoughts of her with Gerard. I always came back to the same "wallow in self pity" routine in the end, though.
I missed her so much it hurt. Gee was the one person who could get my mind off her. But all the time I was with him we'd end up getting stoned or drunk. Sometimes both. He never knew about her, she was the bands best kept secret. And my biggest mistake. Just the fact I left her. I hadn't gone back home for ages after we left, a year, maybe more. When I got back, it was just a simple two week break, so I went around hers. Desperate to tell her. Her neighbour came out and said she was on holiday, with her boyfriend. I knew I shouldn't have expected her to wait for me; she didn't like me in that way and even if she did, she didn't know when I was coming back. Oh, and the fact I never told her. She always asked to me; "is there any point waiting for someone who won't tell you they love you back?" Each and everytime I would say; "just wait, when you're gone, they'll realise how much you mean to them."
People had taken her for granted, even I had at one point. She went on holiday for a week, abroad, and I just missed her so much as soon as she was gone. That's the point I realised I really did love her. She was the world to me, and she didn't even know. I always thought she was gonna be there for our late night or midday chats on MSN, or by text. Our relationship wasn't really a person to person one in the beginning. More of an online one. We only really saw each other by webcam. I never realised how deep I got into her heart with those random conversations, not until we started talking more in person. The look in her eyes said it all. I was her best guy friend, the guy she could say anything to. I knew she didn't tell me everything though. I got that feeling she was hiding something from me a fair bit of the time, like she wanted to say something but never did.
I remember the times we spent at my house, everytime she got dumped, she would come and cry to me. I was the only one that would listen. Every time it was the same reason. They always dumped her cos she wasn't ready to move as fast as they were. She was a slow mover, any decent guy would understand that. Clearly the guys she fell for were not decent. She had a thing for the bad guy attitude, really. I also knew she had a thing for singers, which made me smile. It also refreshed all the energy I used to have for singing. It made me work harder at it, get better.
Nellie Williams, you're the greatest girl a guy could ask for. And you'll always keep that part of my heart.