Seasons.

I rolled around in my bed, not even remembering how I got here in the first place. The last thing that I remembered was almost being passed out in the van. The van came to a quick stop and I heard some groaning in the back of the van. Taylor hopped out of the van and began to unload things out of the trailer, but I was too tired to care. But, that was all I could remember. Now, I’m here. It was silent. And I was alone in my bed.

I could feel the heat coming from the window that was open a little bit. Even though my eyes were shut, I could feel the sun shining on my back, making me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why, but today felt different. It didn’t feel like any other morning I’ve had here so far. I think it’s because there’s not abrupt yelling coming from outside of the door. Josh and Carson falling on the ground and fighting over the dumbest things. It was silent. Awkward. And I was all alone.

Words could not explain about the dream I had last night. It was about John. John was mine, and he was all I had. We had no one else - it was just us. It felt so perfect, but then the nightmare kicked in and I was alone. John drifted away and he never came back. In my dream I sat there in the dark, and I was alone. A lot like I am right now, but the Arizona sun is making me believe in the hope that could be.

Then I thought about how the night mare could possibly become true. I could loose him at any second, and then I’ll go back to who I was. I know I have the best friends of a life time here, I’d still have to leave. Looking at him wouldn’t help me become better. If I were to loose John, I’d still have to see his angel like face. It would tare me to pieces, probably more then if I were to go home and get tortured in my senior year.

I had a feeling that the sun wasn’t on my back anymore. It was gone, possibly because the clouds were hiding it away from the world, and now it felt like my night mare. I didn’t feel safe, or comfortable. I felt alone and scared; nothing happened to me. I get worried for the dumbest reasons, and I need to stop. I’m scared of life and the good things around me. I’m scared of love. I’m scared. I’m so scared.

I breathed in deeply, opening my eyes to look at the pillow below me. I turned around slowly, looking at the white ceiling above me. Then I wondered, why am I doing this? Why can’t I be happy for once? I have John in my palm, and I can’t let him slip through. Don’t let this get to your head Jordan, I thought to myself. You’re allowed to be happy.

I could feel my hands getting clammy, as I thought on. I needed someone here to get my mind off things and it couldn’t be John. It just couldn’t. That would make my thoughts deeper and I knew I’d do something horribly wrong that I’d regret my whole life. I reached over to my side table, getting my phone that sat there alone. Sort of like I was.

I went down the contacts, looking for someone that I knew could take my mind off things. I noticed Stephen’s name near the bottom, so I clicked it. I pressed talk and put the phone beside my ear. I needed to be calm. If I wasn’t calm, I know Stephen would think something was wrong with me, when nothing is. I’m just overreacting and I really need to stop doing that. It’ll get me no where in life.

“Hello?” Stephen said on the other side of the phone. I could tell that he had just woke up. I’m pretty sure Josh and Carson might be doing the same. They’re probably still tired from last night. I hardly did anything last night though, so it’s not that big of a deal.

“Stephen. . .” I said quietly. “What are you doing?”

It was like I could hear Stephen grinning on the other side of the phone. “Well, I just woke up not too long ago, and I’m making breakfast Jordan. What are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I mean, I just woke up. I was wondering if you wanted to do something today if you’re not busy. I need someone to talk to, and I don’t feel like talking to Jess. I don’t know. I just think it’d be awkward with her.”

“Why aren’t you hanging out with John?” He asked. “Aren’t you guys a thing now?”

“Um. . .” I sighed. “Well, he didn’t ask me to do anything. I don’t know. Just, can you come over sometime today? Please?”

“Alright.” Stephen replied. “I have to go and see Hannah for a bit, but then I’ll come over and see you. Are you sure it’s nothing urgent? You sound a little off.”

“Stephen, I’m not going to say anything right now.” I shook my head to myself. “It’s nothing that’s going to kill me or anything. I just thought it’d be better to tell you then to keep it bottled up inside me, y’know?”

“Alright,” He said. “I’m going to get dressed and stuff. I shall be there within the hour.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you then.” I replied.

“Bye Jord.” Stephen said.

“Bye. . .” I said, ending the phone call.

That was exactly what I predicted. Stephen thought that I was off, and I truly wasn’t. I needed to tell him about the chaos going on my mind that shouldn’t be. It was a lame excuse for a problem, but I love how Stephen doesn’t care. Even when you rant about something that in the end, it’s going to be okay, Stephen is there to listen and he usually has something to reply with. He should have his own talk show when the band things slowing down a little bit.

I set my phone back on the table, trying to lift myself up from the bed. I turned to sit up and hang my legs over the side of the bed. I pushed my blankets to the end of the bed. I noticed all the dirty clothes that were already on the ground. I sighed, pushing my bangs out of my face. I could only picture how messy my hair was right now.

I put my feet on the surprisingly cold floors, trying to stand up. I began to become light headed as I stood there beside my bed. I still couldn’t hear any sort of fighting or yelling, so I’m guessing the boys are still sleeping. I walked over the dirty clothes, trying to get to the door. I knew today was going to be a lazy day, and I think I needed one. I used to have them all the time, but for the past week I haven’t had one, and it was weird. I looked down at my sweat pants and tank top.

Before I walked out of my room, I noticed John’s sweater at the end of my bed. I smiled, picking it up and pulling it over my head. The heat from my room escaped and the sun was not shining back in the window again yet. I wrapped my arms around myself, smelling the smell of John still on the sweater. It was becoming my favourite smell; I could smell this for hours.

I walked over to my dresser and looked around. I grabbed an elastic and pulled my hair back. I tied it loosely. I grabbed a headband off the dresser that was not mine. I was guessing it was Jess’s. I don’t usually wear headbands, but I just didn’t want my bangs in my face today. I put the headband on, my face feeling a lot more bare then most days.

I tucked my hands into the warm pockets of John’s sweater, and walked to the door of my room. It was shut tightly. I opened the door, walking into the cold, silent basement. I couldn’t hear anything coming from Josh and Carson’s room at first, and then I heard a weird bang noise. I raised my eyebrow in confusion. I slowly put my hand on the door, wondering if it was even safe to open it.

I opened the door slowly, looking around the room. Carson was still sound asleep on his bed, tied around in the many blankets on it. I could see the drool escaping from his mouth, violating his pillow. I looked over at Josh’s bed, noticing that he was not on it, but I could hear some groaning coming from the other side of it. I walked across the room, slowly putting my knees on Josh’s bed.

I looked over seeing him on the ground in his boxer’s. I couldn’t help but to laugh a little bit at this sight. He sighed, trying to pulling himself up from the ground. Josh grabbed onto the bed, pulling self up. He stood up on this two feet awkwardly looking at me like he wanted to kill me. “It wasn’t funny. I’ve never done that before.”

“Well,” I laughed. “I’m glad I was the one to witness it first. Too bad we couldn’t have got that on youtube or something like that.”

“Why are you even up?” He asked. “What time is it?”

“It’s one in the afternoon bud, who isn’t up at this time?” I asked.

“Um, people who played a show last night.” He sighed. I could tell he wanted to get back up in the bed and sleep there all day long, but there was no way I was going to go and hang out up stairs by myself until Stephen got here.

“You’re not going back to bed.” I shook my head. “You have to come upstairs with me for a bit until Stephen comes over here.”

“Why is Stephen coming over?” Josh asked.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “We’re going to hang out or something like that.”

“Wait.” Josh looked at me. “Are you trying to pick up both Gomez brothers. You fucking whore. I don’t even think you can be my cousin anymore.”

I looked at him weird. “No. . .I’m not doing that. I’m just good friends with Stephen.”

“I thought Carson was your best guy friend?” Josh asked.

“He is,” I nodded.

“You guys haven’t been really seeming like it.” Josh pointed out. And I know he was true, I just didn’t know why. I don’t know why Carson and I weren’t like we were a week ago. It’s weird how things could change so quick.

“I don’t know.” I said. “I guess having guy friends is getting to him or something.”

“Well, I say we go get something to eat.” Josh smirked trying to change the subject. “I’m fucking craving some toast right now and I don’t even know why.”

I smiled. I hopped off of Josh’s bed, walking back across the room. I looked at Carson who was still asleep. I think he likes sleeping in, because when I sleep at his house, I always wake up earlier then him. Therefore I wake him up early, which makes him mad at first but then he gets over it. I don’t think Carson could ever be mad at me, even if we’re not talking that much right now.

I opened the half closed door all the way, and began to walk down the hallway. I knew that Josh was not walking behind me. I’m pretty sure he was back in his room putting some pants on. I just walked down the hallway alone, wondering what time my dad went to work this morning. I also wondered when my aunt was coming home. I’m pretty sure she’ll be home in a couple of days. She does this ever summer on her work vacation.

I turned a left, holding onto the banister of the stairs. I walked up the dark stairs quickly, coming to the white door that I’ve seen more of then the rest of this whole house since I’ve been here. I opened the door, but I didn’t shut it behind me. The whole upstairs was quiet. I’ve listened to silence my whole life, and I’m beginning not to like it one bit.

I walked into the livingroom slowly, noticing an empty beer bottle on the table from my dad last night. I could just picture him drinking beer and watching sports by himself since the house was silent and bare of kids for once. I looked out the big window, noticing that it was a grey colour outside, the colour it gets before it rains outside. I smiled to myself because I love the rain.

“I fucking hate rain.” Josh said from behind me.

“How could you hate rain?” I asked him turning around.

“I don’t know,” He shrugged. “The only thing I like about rain here is that it actually get’s a little bit colder. It’s supposed to rain for the next couple of days apparently.”

“Well, I’m glad it’s going to get colder.” I nodded. “I was getting sort of tired of the heat. But I’m happy that it’s going to be raining too because I love the rain.”

“I don’t.” He said. “You know what I do love though? Toast.”

With that, Josh turned around and walked out of the livingroom. I smirked to myself, walking over to the couch near the window. I sat down on the couch looking outside. Then I noticed Stephen’s car pulling up to the curb. He had to go and see Hannah first. Hannah is a lucky girl to have Stephen. And he’s lucky to have her. Let’s hope she’s not a paranoid freak like me though. Since we’re both in the situation when no guys that were half decent actually liked us before.

I watched as Stephen got out of his car with something in his hand. There was pink and yellow flowers wrapped in his hands, and a smirk on his face. Stephen had just met Hannah and he was already pulling the romantic stuff. I hoped that Stephen’s romance rubbed on John because romance is all I wanted. Watching movies all the time makes me want it more then the world. And not cheesy romance, even though John’s cheesy romance is cute no matter what Jess says about it.

Stephen looked at me and shook his head. He gave a little wave, and I gave one back. He walked around his car with the flowers still in hand. I watched as he walked across the street and onto the sidewalk. He walked across Hannah’s lawn and up the two stairs of their porch to their door. Stephen stood there and knocked.

I turned around, looking at the television in front of me that was turned off. I got up from the couch and walked into the hallway. I could see Josh moving around in the kitchen from here. I walked quickly, entering the kitchen. Josh was spreading some peanut butter when I walked in. It smelled good, and toast usually doesn’t have a smell. Well, that’s what I find.

I walked over to the table and pulled out one of the chairs. The phone began to ring, which made me practically jump out of my chair. I put my hand on my chest. Josh laughed at me, putting the butter knife down. He walked over to the phone and picked it up. He put it against his ear. “Hello?”

I watched as he talked on the phone. “Yeah, one minute.”

Josh looked at me awkwardly. “It’s your mom.”

My looked at him weird, wondering if he was being serious. He held the phone in his hand, putting it in my direction. I took the phone from Josh’s hand and just held it in mine. I wasn’t sure if I should pick it up, because I was not sure what she was going to say to me.

I put the phone against my ear. “Hello?”

“Hey Jordan.” She said on the other side of the phone. “How’s it there?”

“It’s fine.” I said.

“What do you mean fine?” My mom asked. “You can tell me more then that. I’m your mother. How’s it? Did you make friends or anything?”

“Yes, I have.” I said.

“Is your dad being an asshole yet?” She asked.

“He’s not an asshole.” I shot back. “Don’t say that. Plus, I haven’t spent much time with him or anything like that. I’m busy with friends, and he’s at work most of the time.”

“You seriously have friends you’re with all the time?” She asked. “Or are they just Josh’s friends that you tag along with all the time?”

“No, I don’t tag along with them.” I said. “They’re my friends too.”

“And how are you sure about that?” She asked. “You know what the kids did at school, and you thought they were your friends.”

“Well, I know these guys care about me.” I sighed.

“She’s dating one of them!” Josh screamed in the background.

“You’re what. . .?” My mom asked.

“I’m not dating him,” I said. “Well, I guess we are. I don’t know.”

My mom giggled a little bit on the other side. “You know something’s going to happen just like that boy who stood you up this year. No one is going to want to date you Jordan, just face it. You’re a miserable girl who doesn’t care about anyone. And they don’t care about you.”

I didn’t say anything, I just held the phone and sat in silence. This wasn’t the first time she said this about me, but it felt worse this time. It felt worse because I knew I had people here that I love and they love me. I could feel a tear dripping down my face, and Josh looked at me with concern. He grabbed the phone from me and said, “Bitch.” Harshly before hanging up the phone and setting it on the table.

“What did she say?” Josh asked me.

I just shook my head because I didn’t feel like talking about with Josh. He’d tell my dad and I knew something would go wrong. I heard the front door opening and something in my mind triggered off to go and run to Stephen. I got up from my chair and ran out of the kitchen. I walked quickly down the hallway and Stephen stood there at the hallway. He looked confused.

I just jumped into his arms, feeling more tears burst from my eyes. I dug my head into his shoulder and held onto him tightly. He rubbed my back. “Jordan what’s wrong?”

“I can’t leave you guys. . .” I said to him. “I can’t go home.”