You Promised

“Gerard?” I repeated. It’s not that I wasn’t waiting for it; I was just trying to convince myself there was no reason for me to. I really should stop listening to myself.

“You knew I would eventually talk about it.”

“I know.”

We shared a minute of silence where I’m sure we also shared a feeling of awkwardness when we both didn’t know what to say.

“Do you still love him?” He asked. I wanted to shout that I did, fuck god, did I love him. But I decided to keep quiet.

“Why are you asking?”

“I’m curious… Do you?”

Should I tell the truth or should I lie and say I don’t? If at least he told me the reason he wanted to know, and I’m sure he’s not just curious, he just does not want to tell. I guess one more truth won’t hurt. He already knows the worst part.

“Yes. I do love him.” I admitted not sure if I should feel ashamed and embarrassed or something else. I’d bet my money on ashamed…

He nodded looking like he wasn’t listening but I know he is because he had a reason to ask so he had a reason to listen. He’s just thinking about my answer to his question. I wish I could hear his thoughts.

“Now tell me why did you really ask?”

“Gerard misses you, you know? I just had to be sure I didn’t just come here for no reason.”

“What do you mean?”

“I came here not only because I wanted to say I’m sorry but also because I couldn’t go one more day knowing how Gerard is… He’s been really sad in the last couple months. I decided it was time for you to go back and show him you never forgot about him.”

“So you came here to take me back to Jersey?”

“Pretty much.” He said showing me a smile.

“I don’t know… What if he doesn’t want to see me?”

“I’m sure he does. He might be a little mad when you go back but he’ll eventually melt. You know how he is, don’t you? Please. It’s depressing even to the people around him. If you don’t go I’ll just drag you.” He said showing a smile in the last sentence even though the worry was still visible on his eyes. Was Gerard really missing me? I thought he would just forget about me eventually. Maybe he won’t, or maybe he just needs more time. Either way I can’t deny I’m dying to see him. Maybe I should just go and live it as it comes. It sounds really good right this moment because I’ve got a lot to think about. All of them are things that I don’t want to think about and decisions I don’t want to make.

“You wanna help for packing?” He asked.

“I need to talk to Vincent first, but some help sounds good.” He nodded but seemed absent-minded. I got up and walked to the kitchen. I found Vincent sitting at the kitchen table in an awkward position.

“You were listening, weren’t you?”

“No.” He said, but as I already said, Vincent was a bad liar.

“I know you were.”

“Sorry, you know I can’t help it but what were you talking about? What is it that you haven’t told me?”

“It’s… just something… I’ll tell you later… I came here to tell you I’m going back, I’m probably gonna be back soon, but… yeah… you already knew because you were listening. I’m gonna go pack” I used the last sentence as an easy escape from this conversation. I didn’t feel comfortable knowing he could ask something about my past at any time, and I probably wouldn’t have a good excuse for not telling him. I was deadly scared of him finding out and I still knew I had to tell him.

I walked into my room to find Ray there rummaging through my closet.

“I already took some clothes out I guessed you’d like to take.” He said smiling. I looked at the pile carelessly lying in my bed. All my favourites were there.

“Yeah… I think those will do, don’t you?” He nodded.

***

“Don’t forget to call.” Vincent remembered me once again. I’m sure he was dying to know what I wasn’t telling him. I’m still trying to decide if I’m gonna forget or not…

“Yes… don’t worry.” I assured him. As I’m not sure if I’m lying it’s not really a lie.

“Humm… Frank?” He called quietly, a little unsure.

“Yes?”

“What if Quinn passes by?”

“Just…” I stopped not really sure what did I want him to do in that case. “Tell him I’ve gone home and… tell him to call me.”

“Do you still want him to?”

“What do you mean?”

“Let me ask you in another way: Do you still want him?” I stopped to think about it before answering.

“Of course I do.” I said. I was still deciding if I still wanted him or not, so it wasn’t really a lie.