Now & Forever

It scares me sometimes, the way that we are.

I told her from the beginning that “a lack of fighting is a lack of honesty on my part”

We didn’t fight for the first seven months, not once.

I wasn’t very honest with her, well no I wouldn’t say that. I was honest with her, I told her the truth about myself and my friends and my memories, only I held onto all my emotions. If something she did or said pissed me off, I would just hold it in and tell her I was fine. If she went out when I begged her not to, I held in my sadness. If she got a bad grade on a test or her report card, I held back my disappointment. I never told her my outlook on the situation, how I really react to it and why I smile no matter what.

She’ll snap my neck for it one day, I swear it to you.

She hates me for it, she’d never admit it but I can tell. She hates that about me, she hates that she can’t work her way into my brain and knock down walls.

Sorry honey, but I’m a lot stronger then that and a hell of a lot more stubborn.

We’ve been fighting a lot recently, and I really hate it. I’m sure that it seems like I barely mind since I don’t ever react to what she says with any kind of emotion, like a hurt expression or an angry one. The most she gets is a fed up-tired or harsh-but-quiet tone.
Anytime she is upset with me, I have to ask her ‘what’s wrong?’ or ‘why the face?’. Because she won’t tell me. She never lets me in either, never lets me know how she feels. She did for a little while, I mean for like a month, but she stopped again. She blocked me out of her mind. And after all the things we put each other through, that hurts the most.

Again with the quoting!

The fighting scares me, I hate arguing with her. Honestly, I don’t even remember how it starts half the time. I just know we’re fighting and say things, things we probably don’t mean or just won’t admit to each other.

She’s asking me to change. Again, she would never admit that but she is. She wants me to tell her things, to be open and to be less hardheaded, more trusting, less private. But isn’t that asking me to change something about me?

I’m stubborn and private. Plain and simple. My business is my business. My emotions are my emotions. I don’t give a flying fuck if we’re in a relationship, just because she’s my girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m going to confined myself in her and tell her every detail of my day. I still need some privacy. I don’t depend on people to help me stay stable and to make every bad thing in my day to go away. Its pointless to talk about, what’s done is done. Why bother?

But she does, she cares and it hurts her oh so much that I won’t tell her why I’m a bit disappointed in my day. I feel bad, it hurts that I hurt her

But I am who I am. I’m stubborn and private because that’s just me. Its not because of her, because I don’t trust her, that I don’t love her enough, because she might tell someone else about it. Its because that’s how I am. Who I am.

I’m not changing for anyone, not for you, not for her and not for another day on this fucked earth.

So we fight, what couple doesn’t?

It always seem more dramatic with her though, like she makes it a bigger deal then it had to be.

“hey honey how was your day?”
“fine?”
“what did you do?”
“I don’t know. Just shit”
“oh…
And she walks around upset for the rest of the day. Is it really just me or is that a bit dramatic?

I don’t want to fight with her, really I don’t. I hate it. It still scares me.

I’m so, completely terrified that we won’t be together by the end of the argument that I will do anything to prevent one from happening. And when we do fight - I’m paranoid the whole way though.

Of course its never lasted for more then like a day but really, I can’t be apart from her for four hours before I start getting pissed and irritated since she isn’t with me & because I miss her - so a day of fighting really really fucks me over.

I’m some kind of schizophrenic, did I tell you that? I’m never really alone. I have people in my mind, evil little messed up fucks that only want what’s the worst for me.

So fighting with her makes them happy, and when they are happy, they break shit. All the shit in my mind. They drive me insane, they make me snap, make me break down.

Fights are the worse. She could completely backhand me across the face and break my nose and I wouldn’t be hurt, I’d really probably just laugh. As long as she’s not yelling at me, I don’t care.

I just don’t want to fight with her.

Why do we even fight half the time?

I don’t want to fight with you baby.

I can’t stand seeing her sad, it makes me sad. And knowing I caused it only makes it worse. And then we’re both sad, her for a reason she wont fucking tell me and then me just because she is.

And then we make up. That’s my favorite. We apologize, usual her first since I’m the more stubborn one of us two [ or me when she takes the sadness to the next level]. And then we cuddle, wrap up in each other with our legs entwined, heads rest on chest and arms hold a little to tightly.

Its warmth, its amazing, its love. Its us.

And I wouldn’t have it any other