Don’t Worry. Everything’s Gonna Be Okay
First and Last
Mmm..mm…
I look over the book I was reading.I thought I heard something.Nevermind.Back to my book.
Mmm..mm…
What the...? I set my book on the bed I was lying.I look for my slippers,which were under the bed, and put them on.I reach at my bedroom door and open it.
I didn’t mis-hear.There really could be heard some noises.
But I don’t know from where.
I close the door after me and walk down the hall to see where the noises come from.But they don’t come from where I expected.I reach to mom and dad’s bedroom and I can’t hear the noises anymore.
I remember that they’re not home this weekend.They’re off to a wedding.Out of Jersey.
I go back to my bedroom,realizing that the noises become louder and louder.Sitting in front of my bedroom door, I turn around on my heels,just to see the stairs.I think the noises come from downstairs.
So I go down,just to look for the source of noises.I go by the living room,kitchen,when I face my big brother’s bedroom door.
He lives in the basement,cause he’s almost 16 and mom said that if he still wants to live with us,he has to live there.I’ve always wanted to live with him,down there,but mom never alouded me and she didn’t even tell me why.
Mom says I shouldn’t stay around him too much.I don’t get it.
He’s her son too.He’s her blood.I’m her blood.
He’s my blood.And I love him.
We used to do lots of things together when we were younger.
Till one day,last year,when mom started to argue with him about a friend of his.She said that she find out he loves his best friend.
I don’t understand.Friends should love each other,right?
Then why was he punished and wasn’t aloud to see me?He couldn’t hug me either.He couldn’t come with me to ride the bike.
Mom is mean.I hate her for not letting me play with Gerard.
She should allow me play with my big brother.
So I push the door knob down and pull the door.The noises are louder now,but I can’t hear what they say.
I go down the stairs and the noise is getting louder than I expected.
I’m looking for my brother and I see him lying on the back in his bed,with both his hand under the sheets.
I can’t think of what he could do under there,but I hear him moan.
You may think I’m a stupid kid,but I’m not.I just don’t have friends to teach me ‘cool’ things.In fact,I don’t have friends at all.
The noise distracts me from my thoughts
Mmm..mm…
So Gerard’s throat was producing this weird noises!Now I get it. I shrug and turn around,to climb up the stairs when I hear him moan again.I want to continue on going,but he says:
Mmm..mm…mmmikey
My breath is cut and I stop with my foot in air.I breath again,but hard.My eyes get wider and wider while my mind tries to analyse the situation.
I slowly turn around and go down again to his room.
I see him sitting in the bed,both his eyes closed.He’s breathing hard and he’s sweaty.
I wonder how he can’t hear me walking in his room.I’m now in front of his bed when he moans again.
Mmm..mm…mikey
Without thinking,I yell at him.
“Stop it!”
He jumps from the bed,and he’s turning red as he’s looking at me.His eyes are staring at me,while his hands are looking for a shirt.
I look at him so innocent,but still curious.
“Mikey..it’s not what you think” he’s starting to say,but I cutt him off.
“What do I think?I don’t even know what you’re doing.And I don’t care.But why were you saying my name?”
“You can say we don’t spend time anymore.You’re an idiot.” He says,laughing.
“Why am I an idiot?What did I do?”
“You really don’t know what I was doing?”
“No..but I think it’s something that takes effort,cause you’re sweaty.So?..Are you telling me?”
“You don’t know and you don’t wanna know!...Mikey,please go back to your room and do..whatever you want to do,just leave.”
“But please tell me what you were doing..”
“I was fuckin jerking off and moaning your name! Satisfied?”
“What ‘to jerk off’ means?”
He slapped his forehead,rolled his eyes and sighed,saying:
“Damn.You really are stupid”
I looked at him with begging eyes,when he finnaly couldn’t resist:
“Urgh..come on..you must have heard of jerking off?”
“No”
“Then masturbation?”
“No”
“Do you at least know what pleasure is?”
“Like the pleasure of winning?”
“Yeah..but that’s a mind-pleasure.It’s different.This is …physical pleasure”
“Like when you haven’t eaten for a whole day and then,when you eat,your stomach has a good feeling?..So…everytime I don’t eat and then I finally eat and have that feeling I ..how did you say..masturbate?”
“Nonono- that pleasure is not from the… stomach”
“Then from where?”
“From your…penis”
“What?!” I yell,indignated by the bad word he has just said.
“Mikey,you’re really idiot.Urgh..so..” he takes a big breath and continues “masturbation is the act when you hold your penis and pump it”
I look at him,scared.My mind tries again to gather the information and to analyse it.
So he was masturbating,moaning my name…
“But why would you say my name?”
Gerard looks down at his feet,embarrassed, and sighs.
“Mikey…mom had a good reason when she forbid me from seeing you.”
“Continue” I say, curious.
“She knew that I fell in love with my best friend,Matt.She was afraid that…that could happen with you,too…Mikey..mom knows I’m gay”
“But when I asked her,she said ‘gay’ means happy”
“It means that too..but I’m gay in another way…I’m gay because I like....men” he says, hesitating to look into my eyes.
“So? What happened with Matt?”
“Well,mom forbid me from seeing him,too.She isolated me here.Like I was a virus.But…she still couldn’t stop me from…from…”
“From what?” I ask, looking with pity at him.
“From falling in love with you” he says,short.He sighs and looks,for the first time,into my eyes. “I love you Mikey.I just can’t forget it,because mom tells me so.Love cannot be handled”
I look at my fingers,which were playing with the fingers from my other hand.I sighs and say
“I love you,too,Gerard.”
I hear him gasp, but I take his hand in mine. He hesitantly gets closer to me and kisses my cheek.I rest my head on his shoulder.Then he says
“Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be okay.. ”
I look over the book I was reading.I thought I heard something.Nevermind.Back to my book.
Mmm..mm…
What the...? I set my book on the bed I was lying.I look for my slippers,which were under the bed, and put them on.I reach at my bedroom door and open it.
I didn’t mis-hear.There really could be heard some noises.
But I don’t know from where.
I close the door after me and walk down the hall to see where the noises come from.But they don’t come from where I expected.I reach to mom and dad’s bedroom and I can’t hear the noises anymore.
I remember that they’re not home this weekend.They’re off to a wedding.Out of Jersey.
I go back to my bedroom,realizing that the noises become louder and louder.Sitting in front of my bedroom door, I turn around on my heels,just to see the stairs.I think the noises come from downstairs.
So I go down,just to look for the source of noises.I go by the living room,kitchen,when I face my big brother’s bedroom door.
He lives in the basement,cause he’s almost 16 and mom said that if he still wants to live with us,he has to live there.I’ve always wanted to live with him,down there,but mom never alouded me and she didn’t even tell me why.
Mom says I shouldn’t stay around him too much.I don’t get it.
He’s her son too.He’s her blood.I’m her blood.
He’s my blood.And I love him.
We used to do lots of things together when we were younger.
Till one day,last year,when mom started to argue with him about a friend of his.She said that she find out he loves his best friend.
I don’t understand.Friends should love each other,right?
Then why was he punished and wasn’t aloud to see me?He couldn’t hug me either.He couldn’t come with me to ride the bike.
Mom is mean.I hate her for not letting me play with Gerard.
She should allow me play with my big brother.
So I push the door knob down and pull the door.The noises are louder now,but I can’t hear what they say.
I go down the stairs and the noise is getting louder than I expected.
I’m looking for my brother and I see him lying on the back in his bed,with both his hand under the sheets.
I can’t think of what he could do under there,but I hear him moan.
You may think I’m a stupid kid,but I’m not.I just don’t have friends to teach me ‘cool’ things.In fact,I don’t have friends at all.
The noise distracts me from my thoughts
Mmm..mm…
So Gerard’s throat was producing this weird noises!Now I get it. I shrug and turn around,to climb up the stairs when I hear him moan again.I want to continue on going,but he says:
Mmm..mm…mmmikey
My breath is cut and I stop with my foot in air.I breath again,but hard.My eyes get wider and wider while my mind tries to analyse the situation.
I slowly turn around and go down again to his room.
I see him sitting in the bed,both his eyes closed.He’s breathing hard and he’s sweaty.
I wonder how he can’t hear me walking in his room.I’m now in front of his bed when he moans again.
Mmm..mm…mikey
Without thinking,I yell at him.
“Stop it!”
He jumps from the bed,and he’s turning red as he’s looking at me.His eyes are staring at me,while his hands are looking for a shirt.
I look at him so innocent,but still curious.
“Mikey..it’s not what you think” he’s starting to say,but I cutt him off.
“What do I think?I don’t even know what you’re doing.And I don’t care.But why were you saying my name?”
“You can say we don’t spend time anymore.You’re an idiot.” He says,laughing.
“Why am I an idiot?What did I do?”
“You really don’t know what I was doing?”
“No..but I think it’s something that takes effort,cause you’re sweaty.So?..Are you telling me?”
“You don’t know and you don’t wanna know!...Mikey,please go back to your room and do..whatever you want to do,just leave.”
“But please tell me what you were doing..”
“I was fuckin jerking off and moaning your name! Satisfied?”
“What ‘to jerk off’ means?”
He slapped his forehead,rolled his eyes and sighed,saying:
“Damn.You really are stupid”
I looked at him with begging eyes,when he finnaly couldn’t resist:
“Urgh..come on..you must have heard of jerking off?”
“No”
“Then masturbation?”
“No”
“Do you at least know what pleasure is?”
“Like the pleasure of winning?”
“Yeah..but that’s a mind-pleasure.It’s different.This is …physical pleasure”
“Like when you haven’t eaten for a whole day and then,when you eat,your stomach has a good feeling?..So…everytime I don’t eat and then I finally eat and have that feeling I ..how did you say..masturbate?”
“Nonono- that pleasure is not from the… stomach”
“Then from where?”
“From your…penis”
“What?!” I yell,indignated by the bad word he has just said.
“Mikey,you’re really idiot.Urgh..so..” he takes a big breath and continues “masturbation is the act when you hold your penis and pump it”
I look at him,scared.My mind tries again to gather the information and to analyse it.
So he was masturbating,moaning my name…
“But why would you say my name?”
Gerard looks down at his feet,embarrassed, and sighs.
“Mikey…mom had a good reason when she forbid me from seeing you.”
“Continue” I say, curious.
“She knew that I fell in love with my best friend,Matt.She was afraid that…that could happen with you,too…Mikey..mom knows I’m gay”
“But when I asked her,she said ‘gay’ means happy”
“It means that too..but I’m gay in another way…I’m gay because I like....men” he says, hesitating to look into my eyes.
“So? What happened with Matt?”
“Well,mom forbid me from seeing him,too.She isolated me here.Like I was a virus.But…she still couldn’t stop me from…from…”
“From what?” I ask, looking with pity at him.
“From falling in love with you” he says,short.He sighs and looks,for the first time,into my eyes. “I love you Mikey.I just can’t forget it,because mom tells me so.Love cannot be handled”
I look at my fingers,which were playing with the fingers from my other hand.I sighs and say
“I love you,too,Gerard.”
I hear him gasp, but I take his hand in mine. He hesitantly gets closer to me and kisses my cheek.I rest my head on his shoulder.Then he says
“Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be okay.. ”